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6.5k · Sep 2018
UNTITLED
Lost Sep 2018
I held the flame
of a cigarette
to my arm

I closed my eyes
when I did it
But I still heard:
I sizzle when I burn

squeezed shut
my eyelids saved me
from having to stare
into the fire
as it ate up the skin
of my forearm

I melt

my flesh falls away
but mostly

I burn

deep

     deep

          down

further than
any cigarette
has managed
to reach
so far
CONTENT WARNING: Description of self harm
2.3k · Oct 2018
PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
Lost Oct 2018
I DON’T WANT ANYTHING
I JUST WANT
TO BE LEFT ALONE

I RESENT THAT YOU CARE

LET ME GO AND
TURN YOUR BACK ON ME
SO I CAN FIND MY PEACE

I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU

BUT IT’S AWFUL HARD
NOT TO GET YOU CAUGHT
IN MY CROSSFIRE OF PAIN

SO LEAVE ME ALONE

YOU’LL BE BETTER OFF
NOT WORRYING ABOUT ME

AND I’LL BE BETTER OFF
NOT HAVING TO RESTRAIN MY URGES
FOR YOUR SAKE

I COULD FINALLY MELT INTO MY ILLNESS
DRIPPING INTO ONE ANOTHER
UNTIL I’M UNRECOGNIZABLE

LET

ME

GO

PLEASE

YOU’D BEST BE ON YOUR WAY
OFF IN A SEPARATE DIRECTION
TOWARD BETTER THINGS AND PEOPLE

BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF FIGHTING
SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW
AND I’D LIKE TO REST SOON
1.1k · Aug 2018
SHOWERS
Lost Aug 2018
The edge of the bathtub
Wrapped in cotton security

Shivering
but not from the cold

The feeling of my pulse
in my throat
Closing in
On my trachea
My own body
Aiming for the jugular

Perched on the edge of the bathtub
Cotton coverings now damp and chilled
Water droplets no longer dripping
But dried into my skin
****** up by my pores

That hungry desert in my core
Drinking in as much as possible
Until my bloated body turns blue
I’m rotting from the inside out
943 · Dec 2018
SAD SONGS
Lost Dec 2018
Curled up
As small as
I can

Listening to
The same song
over and over

I close
My eyes
And imagine
Sound waves

I am
Surrounded by
Black black black

And the waves
Mold to my body
Like a blanket
Of noise
And lift
Me up

I’m floating
In the black
The blanket
Heavy and
Draped around
My being

It’s smothering me
but I’m not scared

I let go
And light spirals
Out of my mouth
And eyes
And chest

It pours colors
Streaming like
A light show
In a waterfall

And my lungs
compress into two
Deflated balloons
Their color
****** away
And drifting
Into the
Black
Emptiness doesn’t feel like nothing. It feels like somebody put a vacuum sealer to your mouth and shrank your lungs into tiny wrinkled meat raisins.
926 · Aug 2018
COPING
Lost Aug 2018
sometimes i cut paper
instead of my skin

other times i punch walls
just to feel something
in my balled up fists

my knuckles look different now
but i feel the same

so i keep cutting paper
until the next time i break
Trigger Warning: Description of self harm
887 · Nov 2018
SIX YEARS
Lost Nov 2018
Months ago
A razor blade
Danced

It sashayed
It shimmied
Through my meat

I opened my skin
Ripped like
A broken zipper

I melted it away
With cigarettes
And matches

I crushed it
Into a brick wall
With my fist

And slept like
A baby
Each night
I did it

Now I lie restless
Eyes wide open
Skin sewn shut

Six years later
Resisting is still
Never enough
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm.

I haven’t hurt myself in months, but it’s always on my mind. I won’t give up. I’m going to push through this struggle.
832 · Dec 2018
SCARRED
Lost Dec 2018
my body is scarred
thick pink and white
bumpy raised tissue
tiptoes in lines
along my hip
and through my thigh

I am marked
my patchwork skin
has cigarette hickeys
where I pressed the cherry in
I’ve been kissed by fire
long, slow, and passionate

these marks of residual pain
are proof that I’ve lived
I wear my heart on my sleeve
and my hurt on my skin
820 · Sep 2018
ADDERALL
Lost Sep 2018
I miss you
Over 100mg a day
You made
my heart race

I miss you
The way you
Made me scratch
at my skin
and my scalp
Until there was blood
Under my fingernails

I miss you
Dropping 35lbs with you
Made me feel
So pretty
That I stopped eating
For days
And started purging
The food from my empty
Shrunken stomach
In public restrooms
With plastic spoons

I miss you
I didn’t sleep alone
When I had you
You sat on my chest
And wrapped my hands
Into white-knuckled
Clenched fists
You held me tighter
With each shallow
Painful breath

I miss you
My now steadied limbs
Don’t feel complete
In the absence of
Your gentle rattle
I want you to make
My bones dance again

I miss you
Joints shuddering
In aching pain
From you
Winding them up
So tight
I wish you could
Be here again
To contract
Every muscle
In my starved
Depleted body

I miss you
We would sit
On the bathroom
Counter together
And scrutinize
My yellowed skin
Picking and prodding
At every imperfection
For hours
Leaving scabs
And scales
Littering my
New thin face

I miss you
I remember fondly
The time we spent
Together laying
Face-down on
My kitchen floor
The tingly buzz
You filled me with
Every time I fainted
Pleasantly twinkling
Across my body

I miss you
At 4am
The time we
Used to stay
Up until
Every night
Staring at a wall
In my dimly lit room
Hours passing
Without me
Even noticing

I miss you
I know you hurt me
But I want you back
Every day
I miss how you made
Every moment hurt
And now I spend
All my time
Craving that pain

I miss you
I want you
To wreak havoc
All over again
Through my
Willing body
Swallowing doses
Of prescribed self harm
Each morning
I’m so horribly
Painless without you
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of disordered eating and bulimia
576 · Sep 2018
UNDERTOW
Lost Sep 2018
I am a steady tide
Crashing waves
Rolling in predictable
Constant patterns

I lap the shore
Each year
The same way
I did the last

Carving the same paths
Into the sand
Following the same route
Unchanging

I am the Earth’s orbit
Making a persistent circle
Pulling towards the gravity
Of a stationed sun

Unable to break away
From such a driving force
My habits stick in this
Perpetual cycle

As long as the stars in the sky
Faithfully line up the same
Twinkling constellations
Concrete indications of
Persisting motifs

I will spin around the sky
Spiraling consistently
Satellite certainty
A scheduled recurrence
No matter how hard I try
570 · Sep 2018
GONER
Lost Sep 2018
Pills
Rattle
Down
My
Throat

I am a tuneless maraca
Shake me up and listen
To the sound of medication
Rapping up against my
Intestinal lining

Dance to the song
My stomach is writing
Hear the notes smeared
Together and move your
Body in rhythm with my
Convulsing

Foaming at the mouth
White bubbles of poison
Dripping down blue cheeks
My eyes roll back in my
Head and see stars erupting
A firework show just for me
Frying up my burning brain

When I die I don’t
Want to be asleep
I want to feel every last
Bit of oxygen
Squeezed out of me
I want to watch my life
slip away in a hazy fever dream

Pills rattle down my throat
And you’re not here to see it
But I’m laying on the ground
Choking on my *****
I didn’t say goodbye
Because it would just
Make everybody sad
But know that this is
The happiest moment
I’ve had
CONTENT WARNING: Strong suicidal ideation

I promise I’m okay, I’m just struggling while I’m off my meds for now. I’m in between psychiatrists and I’ll get them soon enough. I am safe.
569 · Jan 9
BEDPAN BLUES
Lost Jan 9
Cigarette lungs
And poisoned guts
I have a rotten brain
Riddled with curdled spots

I ****** down fistfuls
Of pills from six separate bottles
I can’t nurture any self love
But I find loathing inside to cradle and coddle

Scarred skin
And rampant decay
I am an animated corpse
A macabre, dancing display

In the ICU for three days
Tachycardia and shakes
Jellied my legs into
Disobedient writhing snakes

Cobweb chest
And festering heart
I pucker and ooze
Sickly sour and ****

Hospital hallucinations
On the sink sat a friendly bird
It shifted from form to form
Singing beautiful songs no one else heard
I tried to **** myself by overdosing on various medications December 28th. I haven’t been able to write anything worthwhile since, but I still wanted to share something anyway since I’ve been away at the hospital for so long. It feels good to be out and to be making progress. I will keep writing until I can create something of value again. Thank you all for your unconditional support and patience. I appreciate this outlet endlessly.
528 · Sep 2018
STAR GAZING
Lost Sep 2018
Sometimes
I can’t breathe
When I kiss

Like the colliding
Of lips and noses
Creates a vacuum seal
Around my mouth

The air drains
Out of my lungs
And into theirs
I deflate pleasantly

I breathe
My being
Away

I give
My lungs
A break

I let
Them sit
Empty

Until
I see
Stars

A dizzying galaxy
Under my eyelids
Twinkles in tandem
With each spiral
Drawn onto my skin
With the tips
Of gentle fingers

Breathless
My vision fades
To black
Constellations
Becoming fuzzy

I slip deeper
Into the night
Hoping when
I open my eyes
Nothing but
Darkness
And sensation
Remains
436 · Dec 2018
BLUR
Lost Dec 2018
I forget which songs
I opened my skin to
Which sounds my body
offered its insides to
Staining my sheets
The color of roses
Red and sticky sweet

I can’t remember
Which songs my thighs
Burst open to
Like an overripe
Clementine
Juices welling under
The thinly veiled surface
Eager to spurt from fragile flesh

I forget which songs
I listened to when I
Separated skin with steel
Because I’ve done it so many times
They all blend together
Like the colors in a sunset
Soft and warm
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm.
416 · Aug 2018
RELAPSE
Lost Aug 2018
left all alone
to be strangled

tonight
I am Kitty Genovese

but my assailant
does not smother me
with the same hands
as hers

the fist of five curled fingers
punishing my throat

is connected with mine
we are one and the same

I kneel in the bathroom
left all alone

in sputtering prayer
over the toilet bowl

one hand untying the knots in my stomach
reaching down my throat to pluck them out
one hand holding back my hair

so tonight I am strangled
victim of my own hand
and tonight I am Kitty Genovese
as neighbors press their ears to the walls
to better hear my struggle
but don't dare knock on the door
Trigger Warning: References to bulimia
395 · Nov 2018
A TANGENTIAL REFLECTION
Lost Nov 2018
I can’t remember the last time
I felt like I had a home

I hide in my room
And that is my house

I stow myself away
Like stashed contraband

I am not meant
To see the light of day

I am a ***** secret
I am the black sheep

Even my own mother
Doesn’t have faith in me

I’ve heard it directly
Straight from her mouth

I see it intangibly
In her furrowed brow

I don’t have a place
Where I feel familiar

I stand on the outside
Of every circle

I used to wonder
What I was doing wrong

But I think that I know
That it’s just who I am

I am not meant
To have a place

I own nothing of worth
I have no land

I sabotage my life
I throw away my efforts

For the chance to lay in bed
For a couple more hours

I am an observer
Watching the race

I see people running
Fast and hard

Toward the life they want
And the happiness they deserve

But I’m on the bleachers
Sitting and wasting

All of my energy
All of my time

I don’t do much work
But I still whine

“I have no money”
“I have no job”

But there’s nobody to blame
Except myself
Everything
Boils down
To being
My fault

But I don’t want pity
Especially not from myself

So I trade it in for self-loathing
And devalue my health

I don’t eat some days
But some days I binge

Some days I puke
But others I hold it in

“Do you want to change?”
Even my therapist knows

That I’ve settled for misery
That I’m destined for woe

I shut my eyes
And live in the dark

Because when I open them
All I see

Is the mess I made
That binds and traps me

I give up
It’s just what I do

It’s the only thing I’m good at
Causing this distress
I put myself through

I hold myself responsible
I don’t point the finger of blame

Except in the mirror
This is a personal shame
Definitely not a good poem. Very whiny. I refuse to settle for a ****** existence, but I do feel like this a lot. It’s just negative thoughts and self-doubt. I’m learning to ignore it, but they’re very persistent. I know it will get better with time and practice.
368 · Dec 2018
FRIED
Lost Dec 2018
Where did all
the light go?

Sizzled out
of sight—
the sunshine
left me alone tonight.
342 · Sep 2018
FATE
Lost Sep 2018
Running it through my head
Like a train without brakes
I know I’ll run this off the tracks
And burn it all to the ground
If I don’t stop chugging through
The same paths in my head

I just can’t imagine why
Somebody like you
Would bother trying
To make things work
With somebody like me

I’m a broken machine
Pieces missing and
Parts rusted through
Will you fill in my holes
And make things run
Or will I just keep driving
Until I get towed into
The same junkyard
Where all the other
Lost causes go?

Don’t get your hopes up
I know I don’t anymore
I doubt I can keep this
Up long enough to
Get comfortable

We’ll float suspended
Together in this purgatory
Of maybe’s and what if’s
Until we drift apart
You to something better
Me to something lonelier
And then we’ll both be
Where we belong

My fate lies somewhere
Destitute and alone
But for now let’s pretend
That I’m not an eroded
Abandoned house
Too far gone and left
Out to rot and let’s
Paint my peeling walls
And hang pictures in my
Empty halls until I
Inevitably collapse
318 · Oct 2018
BLEEDING HEART
Lost Oct 2018
I ripped my
Heart out
So I could
Stop feeling
But it never
Stopped beating

Now I have
A heart in
My hands
And a hole
In my chest
And a great
Deal of hurt
All throughout
264 · Jan 16
DIARY
Lost Jan 16
I wrote a poem one day
That made my blood feel hot in my veins
So I tore at my skin like a scratch ticket
Until I won my liquid red prize
I smeared it on the page
And looked at what I did with tears in my eyes
I hid it for months but couldn’t stop being afraid
So I biked over to the neighborhood lake
And I threw the diary I bled in
As far as a could into the water
But my blood never stopped growing hotter

I clawed and gouged all of my limbs
Trying to bleed my way out of my skin
I didn’t know what I was doing
But I knew it must be hid
Because before the diary was thrown
I remembered that poem
I took the tip of the sharpest pencil
And tried to carve it
one letter a day
Into my arm
I started to keep my sleeves down
And fear set in
So I took that same pencil
And scratched it out of my skin

People started to notice then
And ask what happened to my arm
So I learned to make excuses
And better hide my self harm

Back then I was twelve
I read two to three books a day
But nothing and nobody I knew about
Made what I did make sense
I didn’t know why I did it
I just knew I had to
And now I hate to look back
It just makes me sad to

Innocent baby girl
Marring sweet young skin
It took seconds to do it
But years until the gravity set in
I still wouldn’t take it back
Despite all the countless scars
Because it all leads to the fact
That I am who I am now
Because of what I did then
Lost Dec 2018
This is a LIGHT ORANGE,
ROUND-shaped TABLET
Imprinted with U30 on the front

This is a HEADACHE
When the LIGHTS are too BRIGHT
For your dilated PUPILS

This is an EMPTY STOMACH
Growling and ignored
Shrinking and shriveling
Under the pressure of a medicated FIST
Squeezing it TIGHT

This is a clenched JAW
Crushing TEETH into jagged SHARDS
TENSION worming its way
Through every FIBER and SINEW

This is a METICULOUS AGENDA
Planning every PRECIOUS MINUTE
Waiting anxiously to fix
Everything that hasn’t gone WRONG yet
But possibly will
It is a RELENTLESS VIGIL
Standing in FRONT of a CLOCK
Counting down the seconds
Until it all comes crashing DOWN

This is AMPHETAMINE SALTS
Common brand(s): Adderall
256 · Nov 2018
BLIND
Lost Nov 2018
Looking around me trying to see
What I can do to succeed
But all I find is a dark void
And all I hear are the sounds of flies
A buzzing, irritating white noise
I guess it all looks the same beneath shut eyes
246 · Oct 2018
I AM CURDLED
Lost Oct 2018
It feels like
There’s a throbbing
Mass leaking like
A bruised rotten
Tomato in my
Cranium

If you tilt me
To the side
The mushy
Rank guts in
My head
Trickle out
My ears

All green with
Yellow chunks
It slides and
Squeezes its
Way out and
Stains my
Pillowcase

Crush me until
It all comes out
Until I am empty
And maybe then
Everything won’t
Feel so heavy
246 · Nov 2018
FRACTURED
Lost Nov 2018
I am a broken bone
Sitting in an old cast

It’s been years
But it never healed up

Jagged edges
Grind together
Underneath
This plaster wrap

I wonder when
Things will line up
237 · Dec 2018
BODY COUNT
Lost Dec 2018
1.
He asked me,
“Are you ashamed of your body?”
And I said yes.

He told me,
“Well, you shouldn’t be.”
And I absently nodded my head.

2.
I’ve written about you before
But it won’t stop me from doing it again

Because when I think you at night
I think of your eyelashes
Thick and long
I feel them fluttering
On my cheeks

3.
You were a thrill,
But you weren’t cheap.

4.
Poetry
We both liked poetry
And I felt hope
Twinkling in my chest

But that spark
Was soon extinguished

The more I knew him
I wanted him less

5.
It was the first time
Somebody wrapped their hands
Around my throat
And I found
That I couldn’t stop smiling

I didn’t stay the night
But I woke up to bite marks
Inside my thighs
The next morning

6.
Thirty-two years old
Fourteen years my senior

In his mother’s basement
I laid awake all night
Waiting for morning’s light
To leave him

7.
I miss you
And I’m sorry things went down
The way they did

Let’s just be friends again
And make each other laugh
Doing goofy improv bits

8.
Minty gum
Tucked in your cheek
Tickling my tastebuds
When our tongues meet

9.
I drove over an hour
It didn’t matter to me

Twice my age exactly
But I didn’t mind

Because I got to send
The best text I’ve ever sent
In recent memory

“Hey ladies,
I just got fingerblasted
Into the next century
By a thirty-six year old
With cerebral palsy”

10.
We went to school together
And your sister was in my grade
I always thought you were cute
But I had never known your name

11.
I love you
You’re my best friend
What we did was wrong
And as much as I want you
I knew it had to end
This is a record of everybody I’ve ever had *** with accompanied by a short poem about each experience.

Enjoy
211 · Sep 2018
LOST
Lost Sep 2018
I don’t know how
To stop hurting

I’ve grown so used
To the aches and stings
In my chest and my
Hip and my arm
That I start to miss
It when it’s gone

How do I move on
Without this pain?

I’ve never lived
Without it and
I miss it like an
Estranged lover
When it starts
To finally leave
Me alone

Soaring through
Dirt and soil skies

I want to die
But mostly I
Just want to
Disappear

Falling asleep
Without waking up

Do you know
How much it
Hurts to want
Something
You can never
Have?

I feel fated
To live in
The ground
190 · Aug 2018
RED BLOOD CELLS
Lost Aug 2018
instead of a muscle
pumping blood
pulsing on
I think that my heart
is a blood clot

a gooey mass
in my congested chest
bleeding in trickles
growing in size
leaking out
into my sides

flooding my lungs
and pooling under my ribs
I cough at night
and taste it
184 · Feb 5
RESILIENT
Lost Feb 5
Old habits
Die hard
But killing me
Is harder
178 · Aug 2018
WARM
Lost Aug 2018
hiding in my blanketed sanctuary
I make myself small
balled up in the fetal position
clinging onto a pillow
that I hug close to me
sandwiched between my knees
my arms wrapped around it

I imagine the pillow animate
the weight and resistance of a torso
a person to put their arms around me too
when I need it

but my pillow does not obey my wishful thinking
and it is never replaced by a chest that rises and falls
it is only ever a padded rectangle
folded and scrunched and squeezed
in my desolate embrace

I scramble through my memories
sifting through the sensory details
grabbing ahold of the most recent recollection
of a night where I wasn’t alone
and wringing it out again and again
trying to squeeze out the final drops
of tactile sensation
the remaining morsels of comfort
derived from physical affections

I pick out the smallest details
and focus on reconstructing them
as vividly as possible—

the feeling of his soft, hot breath
kissing my neck and shoulder
whispers color back into my cheeks

I feel the steady rise and fall
of his slowed, sleepy breathing
and the rhythm of life
throbbing in his chest

his arm wrapped around me
draped across my waist and over my chest
the pressure and weight of his legs
tangled with mine
it feels like safety
and I know I need to cherish it
because I won’t have him for long

I turn around in his arms
to open my eyes and study him
I don’t want to forget his lips
or his long eyelashes
when he leaves

I ****** his cheek lightly
running my fingers through his beard
I want to cry
because I needed this so bad
and it will never last

but I put my sadness away
and save it for a lonelier night
when I won’t hear his quiet snore next to me

for when I am alone again
in my arctic tundra bed
frozen to my sheets
and stuck in the cold—

I want to exist suspended in this moment
these few hours our bodies melted together
and drown in the combined volume
of our collective contentment

I want to always remember you
so when I feel the ice in my core
chilling my bones at night
I have a time to remember
when I finally felt warm
167 · Dec 2018
ACHE
Lost Dec 2018
Cherry pit
That I bit
I am a cracked
And achy tooth
165 · Sep 2018
BURN
Lost Sep 2018
the cigarette burn
on my arm
stares at me
with its white
and pink
puffy eye

its yawning maw
silently crying out
a speechless yelp
an angry
amorphous exclamation

like a hungry
baby bird
its **** mouth
splayed open
across my
forearm
CONTENT WARNING: Reference to self harm
160 · Aug 2018
BIRD BONES
Lost Aug 2018
Moving slower today
But feeling lighter
Because last night
I was drained

My energy and will
The marrow of my bones
Seeped out
Through my pores
While I was sleeping
And I woke up
Feeling lighter

Like if my shoes
Weren’t heavy enough
To hold me down
I’d float away
And disappear

The altitude
Would drink up
All my oxygen
And make my head
Feel the familiar
Fuzzy pressure
Of fainting

Making me feel
Lighter and lighter
And I would drift away
Higher and higher
Until I faded away
Into nothing
At all
157 · Apr 2
THE SOUND OF SILENCE
Lost Apr 2
“Better off dead”
Floating around aimless
In the empty halls
Echoing off the raised ceiling
And bouncing off
Whitewashed walls

That’s what I hear
Late at night
When I wish I could disappear
152 · Aug 2018
FOG
Lost Aug 2018
FOG
My days blend together
Like a smudge of graphite
On paper
Grayness shading
My range of vision
******* the pigment away

I feel like a ghost
Like I must be paler now
Something inside
Is missing
Swallowed by
The haze
145 · Dec 2018
REGRESSION
Lost Dec 2018
I left the blood on my hands
And it dried from crimson to brown

I left the razor in a drawer
And it burned a hole to the ground

I left the same song on repeat
And it held my hand as I bled

I left the lessons I learned
Stuffed away in my cluttered head
And I made the same mistakes instead
142 · Aug 2018
BLEED IT OUT
Lost Aug 2018
they used to use leeches
to **** all the bad
from your veins
but now we put things inside
to staunch
the pain
but I still think
I can bleed it out
on my bad days
Trigger Warning: Reference to self harm
141 · Aug 2018
UNDER MY SKIN
Lost Aug 2018
i can’t place the feeling
i just feel it
again
and again

time passes
i forget how it feels
how it really feels
in my chest

pumping through my blood
like a virus that lies dormant
that my white blood cells
can never fight off all the way

but again
and again
it never fails
now i feel it

pressed against my ribs
from the inside out
taking up the room
my lungs are supposed to occupy

compressing that small respiratory cavity
into a tiny cage
that traps my air

i can still breathe
but it hurts now

it will stop eventually
but always again
and again
it will leech my oxygen
until my lips turn blue
and my hands feel cold

i mimic a corpse
like a hostage
trying to convince their captor
there’s no use beating them
anymore

i walk among the living
but when i feel this way
i am not alive

i am a prisoner
to my thoughts

they are diligent guards
keeping a schedule
coming and going
isolating the inmate
when they act out of line

i don’t dare fight them
they tell me what to do
and i do it
or else they punish me

i make myself bleed for them
but i think i do it for me too

it feels so good
to give in to desire

i want to hurt
and when i allow myself pain
i bask in it

i am a snake
bathing in springtime sun

i hide from the cold
i reject the winter weather
but i melt

i warm my scales
under the heat of

white

hot

pain

and then i know
with certainty
that i am
a l i v e

when the long gone sun returns
it ignites the fire
under my skin
that burns
until i let it out

i bleed fire
i bleed fire
i bleed out

the fire inside
that nobody sees
smoldering softly
in my fire pit heart

tiny embers glow
and shoot sparks
through my veins
stinging
singeing
my nerve endings
making my fingers buzz

the flame burns forever
burning low at times
but always burning

i see razors when i close my eyes
i swallow whole bottles of pills in my dreams

i once dreamed a cliff
i kept throwing myself off of
each time i got up
broken and bruised
to drag myself back
and jump again

that’s how i know
the fire never leaves

it burns bright somewhere deep
where i can’t reach

i try to put it out
but smothering it only burns me

it keeps me warm at night
but i stay shivering
because it is not a warmth that cares

it does not comfort me
in my cold
lonely
bed

it tears me apart
from the inside out

i feel my core blistering
and bubbling
under the nocturnal blaze

i can sleep it off most nights
i can fence it in
secure it safely
in a controlled area

but it eventually breaks out
it is a wildfire ravaging me
coming back
now and then
to finish the job

again
and again
until one day
it finally ends me
Trigger Warning: References to self harm
126 · Aug 2018
SNOW GLOBES
Lost Aug 2018
Shaken up
I am a snow globe
Sparkles and debris
Still floating and spiraling
In my core

Some of it still dances
To the tune of a song
Long gone from my life
But I am still reeling

I've been shaken
So hard
And for so long
I don't know if I'll ever settle
Or if this is how I am now

All of my thoughts
Up in the air
Sluggishly meandering
Through thick syrupy insides
I can see them clear as day
But I can't seem to grab ahold
And follow each one

Shaken up
I am a shimmering
shivering display
How pretty I am
Until you're stuck inside
124 · Aug 2018
ANCHORED
Lost Aug 2018
all I want to do is sleep
but I keep dreaming
of being awake
and I don’t see a point
in trying to drift away
bobbing in a sea
of unconscious pleasantness
if I’ll always be tightly tethered
and unwillingly bound
to the shore

instead
I crave something
more permanent

being awake feels
like a recurring nightmare
that I keep trying to distance myself from
so it doesn’t sink its claws in too deep
the next time it grabs ahold of me
and I can continue to shrug life
off my indifferent shoulders
123 · Oct 2018
10/12/18
Lost Oct 2018
I don’t see
My mom very much
Anymore
Because when I do
She hurts me

Today I saw my mom
And she told me
That she was so certain
I was going to **** myself
That she already
Has said goodbye
And let me go

That’s why
I don’t live
With my family
This isn’t figurative or hyperbolic whatsoever. My mom literally just screamed at me for about thirty minutes after not seeing her for weeks, and told me that I was going to die young and **** myself because she can’t see me heading in any other direction.

I’m in my first year of community college this year, and I haven’t lived with my family since my junior year of high school. I work so hard to make progress and feel better, and every time I see my mom she just tears me the **** down. I love her so much and it hurts me so bad. I’m done trying to make her happy.

I know this is far from a quality piece of writing, but I’m just very upset and I’m ready to shut down. I stop talking when things like this happen, and whatever little communication I muster usually happens through writing. Thanks for reading and taking the time to consider and value my thoughts. I really appreciate it more than you know.
118 · Aug 2018
DOUBT
Lost Aug 2018
Oh reconstructed image
Of the life I’m able to have
Please stay a little longer
I don’t want to go back

To the way I used to see
Used to be
Helpless me
Drowning seas
Of murky dread

These are the thoughts
Swimming in my head

Awake and distraught
Suspended and caught
In a web of tendrils
Reaching
And wrapping
Me tight

I am not alone
I am not alone

No matter how barren
The halls of this house
I am never alone
But I always have doubt

I always have doubt
I always have doubt

I am never alone
But I always have doubt
115 · Mar 23
W.T.
Lost Mar 23
I miss you so much

A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about you

I love you

I’m sorry

Sometimes it feels like you’re dead

Because there’s so much emptiness where you used to be

I lost a love when I said goodbye to you
I miss my best friend. I told him we needed to spend some time apart after we slept together (he cheated on his girlfriend with me) and I haven’t seen or really spoken to him for months. I’m beyond heartbroken. Every time I think I’m over it it just creeps up and pins me down as soon as I turn my back on it. I feel so much guilt on top of that and I feel like I deserve it. What we did was wrong and I can’t take it back, but I can’t take back how I feel either. I will always love him, but I know it’s not fair for me to see him. It hurts so bad to stay away. I’m so ashamed of this I don’t even tell my therapist of five years about it.

This is what I was listening to when I wrote this tonight: https://soundcloud.com/international-delight/radiator-hospital-your
112 · Aug 2018
BEDROOM HOSPICE
Lost Aug 2018
blankets and sheets
a straight jacket of comfort
tying my body down
to the two mattresses
stacked on top of each other
that I sleep on at night

bound to my bed
by nothing tangible
but bound nonetheless
trapped inside a prison
of my own design

I know that somewhere
the keys to escape
dwell within
but I can’t seem
to muster the energy
to search for them
and rummage through
the blackness inside

sifting through rank piles
of ugliness stacked high
and crammed deep
in my heart
and lungs
and stomach
and brain
and all the parts
in between

so I stay here
and waste away
stomach growling
body aching
condemned
to this purgatory

I am alive
but suspended
hanging over a chasm of death
staring into the depths
enchanted by its vastness
longing for the permanence
of eternal rest
but settling for this instead

rolling around in bed
day after day
chasing a sense
of relief
or replenished energy
hoping I will feel less drained
if I give myself the chance
to relax

I am restless
but I am listless
and empty

I want more than this
but this is all I can achieve
I don’t want this life
that isn’t worth living

I am growing more tired
and find myself trapped
in a tangle of blankets
unable to free myself
more each week

eventually I think
I may finally fall asleep
and never wake up
just like I’ve been dreaming of
all this time

one of these days
I will stop hanging
over the chasm
and take a leap of faith
at last
109 · Dec 2018
SELF PORTRAIT
Lost Dec 2018
I am a gum wrapper
Stepped on in the mall

I am a piece of taxidermy
Mimicking signs of life

I am a popped balloon
In a hot car

I am a lost and found box
Filled with all the things
People won’t bother
To come back for

I am a used bandaid in a public restroom

I am an incomplete deck of cards

I am a wax figure

I am a cigarette ****

I am roadkill
106 · Aug 2018
SESSIONS
Lost Aug 2018
my therapist told me today
that she never realized
how much I thought about dying
and I felt surprised
that after four years
she never saw death in my eyes
because when I look in the mirror
all I find is an image of mortality
reflected back at me

I stared at the dilapidated life
the ruins and relics of myself
sagging under the weight
of everyday life
trying to remember a time
where it wasn’t all so heavy

I found myself unable to recall
living without this pressure
compacting my existence
into densely packed emptiness
that somehow fills everything
despite being nothing but a void

I respond to my therapist,
“well, it’s not anything new”

she said she was worried about me
and I apologized to her
because if I could
I would fade away into nothing
and never be a problem
for anybody ever again

I would flee this living nightmare
and find a dream somewhere far away
that offers something lighter
than the crushing weight of my life

I don’t want to be pinned
under this painful boulder of existence
any longer
but I have to
so I will
one day
at a time
104 · Jan 16
SUSAN STREET
Lost Jan 16
I used to bike in circles
On long summer days
Waiting for someone
Or something to be my escape
From the walls of my double wide
Where every night I would hide

I punched a hole in my wall
That my mom covered with an inspiring quote
I took a pin it was hung with
And stabbed and ripped it all
To plaster over someone’s pain
Is a ******* ******* shame
102 · Jan 20
I AM A VORTEX
Lost Jan 20
i am a vortex
a black hole
collapsing in

i am a balloon
filled with air
stretched thin
and stuffed full

i want to be nothing
to return all of the space and time
i have taken up

i want to be recycled
and scattered back into the cosmos
every particle and memory
100 · Sep 2018
SELF CARE
Lost Sep 2018
I slice open
My skin
With the tenderness
And care I crave
Every night
In my empty bed

I punch walls
With careful precision
Caressing the drywall
With bleeding knuckles
And shaking wrists

I burn myself
With a firm hand
The kind that
Tucks you in snugly
And kisses you goodnight

I guess no one ever taught me
How to love myself
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm
100 · Aug 2018
SOLVENT
Lost Aug 2018
he smells like cigarettes and beer
and he tastes like a reflection

I think we have the same kind of hurt
ripping through our chests

bits of shrapnel trauma
ricochet off the walls of his insides

I hear it rattling in his breath
when he bites my ears

broken and sharp edges
his hands on me
cutting deep

they slice through my skin
he melts through my muscles
and he trickles into my bones

I want to feel him
cutting deeper
than I would ever dare

he can hurt me in a way I can’t hurt myself
and it frightens me back to life

it cures me of the sickness in my veins
it ***** the hurt from my pores

he reaches his hands into my stomach
and stirs handfuls of nameless viscera
like sugar in water
and he makes
it all
dissolve
98 · Aug 2018
HOMEOSTATIC
Lost Aug 2018
Keeping on
Keeping cool
Keeping up
When will anything
Ever be enough?

I’ve been keeping on
And staying strong
From day one
With nothing to show for it

No battles won
Or worries gone
Just one thing after the other;
A massive storm of ****

My fuse gets shorter
Burning closer and hotter
And I only keep my cool
Behind clenched fists

Punching brick walls
Making late night phone calls
The pain of fighting it off
Is no longer worth the risks

Falling behind
I try to remind
Myself that I need to breathe

But balance and me
Will never be
More than a casual
On and off thing

Because I can’t commit
To not losing it
Without the bad days
Always overwhelming

Keep on
Keeping on
Until keeping
Is all you do

Coping skills
And cheap thrills
I collect more each night
Though I benefit from few

Because short-term distraction
Takes no long-term action
And I spend my time
Aimless without direction

I drift along
Nights short and my days long
Eyelids heavier than my heart
The desire to sleep robbing all motivation

I am tired
But I am wired
I am contradictory

I am surviving
Though I feel like I’m dying
And that is my sole victory
97 · Mar 20
HELPLESS
Lost Mar 20
Beating white-knuckled fists
Into the ground
A rising frustration in my throat
Makes tears fall down

“Helplessness is learned”
That’s what they tell me
But I feel like I am
Perpetually a baby

Nineteen years and counting
I’ve been stuck in this skin
And no more control over
The cacophony within

Sitting in front of textbooks
Staring at the same words
I’m on a long road to nowhere
“Helplessness is learned”

Bound like *******
Hanging in the air
Hands behind my back for so long
I forget they’re there

“Helplessness is learned”
It’s a lesson drilled in my brain
Growing up more each day
But an angry toddler all the same

Time ticking relentless
As years fly by
While I sit in a corner
Thinking about why

Eyes stinging red
An incessant burn
It all boils down to
“Helplessness is learned”
Committing to my recovery has been difficult. I have the same feelings and negative core beliefs, but I’m trying to act oppositely until they change. Maybe then I’ll feel like I have control.
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