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13.6k · Sep 2018
UNTITLED
Lost Sep 2018
I held the flame
of a cigarette
to my arm

I closed my eyes
when I did it
But I still heard:
I sizzle when I burn

squeezed shut
my eyelids saved me
from having to stare
into the fire
as it ate up the skin
of my forearm

I melt

my flesh falls away
but mostly

I burn

deep

     deep

          down

further than
any cigarette
has managed
to reach
so far
CONTENT WARNING: Description of self harm
12.2k · Oct 2018
PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
Lost Oct 2018
I DON’T WANT ANYTHING
I JUST WANT
TO BE LEFT ALONE

I RESENT THAT YOU CARE

LET ME GO AND
TURN YOUR BACK ON ME
SO I CAN FIND MY PEACE

I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU

BUT IT’S AWFUL HARD
NOT TO GET YOU CAUGHT
IN MY CROSSFIRE OF PAIN

SO LEAVE ME ALONE

YOU’LL BE BETTER OFF
NOT WORRYING ABOUT ME

AND I’LL BE BETTER OFF
NOT HAVING TO RESTRAIN MY URGES
FOR YOUR SAKE

I COULD FINALLY MELT INTO MY ILLNESS
DRIPPING INTO ONE ANOTHER
UNTIL I’M UNRECOGNIZABLE

LET

ME

GO

PLEASE

YOU’D BEST BE ON YOUR WAY
OFF IN A SEPARATE DIRECTION
TOWARD BETTER THINGS AND PEOPLE

BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF FIGHTING
SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW
AND I’D LIKE TO REST SOON
2.4k · Aug 2018
SHOWERS
Lost Aug 2018
The edge of the bathtub
Wrapped in cotton security

Shivering
but not from the cold

The feeling of my pulse
in my throat
Closing in
On my trachea
My own body
Aiming for the jugular

Perched on the edge of the bathtub
Cotton coverings now damp and chilled
Water droplets no longer dripping
But dried into my skin
****** up by my pores

That hungry desert in my core
Drinking in as much as possible
Until my bloated body turns blue
I’m rotting from the inside out
2.1k · Dec 2018
SAD SONGS
Lost Dec 2018
Curled up
As small as
I can

Listening to
The same song
over and over

I close
My eyes
And imagine
Sound waves

I am
Surrounded by
Black black black

And the waves
Mold to my body
Like a blanket
Of noise
And lift
Me up

I’m floating
In the black
The blanket
Heavy and
Draped around
My being

It’s smothering me
but I’m not scared

I let go
And light spirals
Out of my mouth
And eyes
And chest

It pours colors
Streaming like
A light show
In a waterfall

And my lungs
compress into two
Deflated balloons
Their color
****** away
And drifting
Into the
Black
Emptiness doesn’t feel like nothing. It feels like somebody put a vacuum sealer to your mouth and shrank your lungs into tiny wrinkled meat raisins.
1.7k · Dec 2018
SCARRED
Lost Dec 2018
my body is scarred
thick pink and white
bumpy raised tissue
tiptoes in lines
along my hip
and through my thigh

I am marked
my patchwork skin
has cigarette hickeys
where I pressed the cherry in
I’ve been kissed by fire
long, slow, and passionate

these marks of residual pain
are proof that I’ve lived
I wear my heart on my sleeve
and my hurt on my skin
1.6k · Aug 2018
COPING
Lost Aug 2018
sometimes i cut paper
instead of my skin

other times i punch walls
just to feel something
in my balled up fists

my knuckles look different now
but i feel the same

so i keep cutting paper
until the next time i break
Trigger Warning: Description of self harm
1.1k · Sep 2018
ADDERALL
Lost Sep 2018
I miss you
Over 100mg a day
You made
my heart race

I miss you
The way you
Made me scratch
at my skin
and my scalp
Until there was blood
Under my fingernails

I miss you
Dropping 35lbs with you
Made me feel
So pretty
That I stopped eating
For days
And started purging
The food from my empty
Shrunken stomach
In public restrooms
With plastic spoons

I miss you
I didn’t sleep alone
When I had you
You sat on my chest
And wrapped my hands
Into white-knuckled
Clenched fists
You held me tighter
With each shallow
Painful breath

I miss you
My now steadied limbs
Don’t feel complete
In the absence of
Your gentle rattle
I want you to make
My bones dance again

I miss you
Joints shuddering
In aching pain
From you
Winding them up
So tight
I wish you could
Be here again
To contract
Every muscle
In my starved
Depleted body

I miss you
We would sit
On the bathroom
Counter together
And scrutinize
My yellowed skin
Picking and prodding
At every imperfection
For hours
Leaving scabs
And scales
Littering my
New thin face

I miss you
I remember fondly
The time we spent
Together laying
Face-down on
My kitchen floor
The tingly buzz
You filled me with
Every time I fainted
Pleasantly twinkling
Across my body

I miss you
At 4am
The time we
Used to stay
Up until
Every night
Staring at a wall
In my dimly lit room
Hours passing
Without me
Even noticing

I miss you
I know you hurt me
But I want you back
Every day
I miss how you made
Every moment hurt
And now I spend
All my time
Craving that pain

I miss you
I want you
To wreak havoc
All over again
Through my
Willing body
Swallowing doses
Of prescribed self harm
Each morning
I’m so horribly
Painless without you
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of disordered eating and bulimia
1.1k · Nov 2018
SIX YEARS
Lost Nov 2018
Months ago
A razor blade
Danced

It sashayed
It shimmied
Through my meat

I opened my skin
Ripped like
A broken zipper

I melted it away
With cigarettes
And matches

I crushed it
Into a brick wall
With my fist

And slept like
A baby
Each night
I did it

Now I lie restless
Eyes wide open
Skin sewn shut

Six years later
Resisting is still
Never enough
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm.

I haven’t hurt myself in months, but it’s always on my mind. I won’t give up. I’m going to push through this struggle.
1.0k · Jan 2019
DIARY
Lost Jan 2019
I wrote a poem one day
That made my blood feel hot in my veins
So I tore at my skin like a scratch ticket
Until I won my liquid red prize
I smeared it on the page
And looked at what I did with tears in my eyes
I hid it for months but couldn’t stop being afraid
So I biked over to the neighborhood lake
And I threw the diary I bled in
As far as a could into the water
But my blood never stopped growing hotter

I clawed and gouged all of my limbs
Trying to bleed my way out of my skin
I didn’t know what I was doing
But I knew it must be hid
Because before the diary was thrown
I remembered that poem
I took the tip of the sharpest pencil
And tried to carve it
one letter a day
Into my arm
I started to keep my sleeves down
And fear set in
So I took that same pencil
And scratched it out of my skin

People started to notice then
And ask what happened to my arm
So I learned to make excuses
And better hide my self harm

Back then I was twelve
I read two to three books a day
But nothing and nobody I knew about
Made what I did make sense
I didn’t know why I did it
I just knew I had to
And now I hate to look back
It just makes me sad to

Innocent baby girl
Marring sweet young skin
It took seconds to do it
But years until the gravity set in
I still wouldn’t take it back
Despite all the countless scars
Because it all leads to the fact
That I am who I am now
Because of what I did then
1.0k · Jun 2019
SKINNY
Lost Jun 2019
All hip bones and ribcage
Flat stomach wasn’t enough
It had to be concave

Mirrors and lights
Lined up just right
******* in
As hard as I can
Why can’t I
Just be thin?
Another poem from my sketchbook I didn’t initially post.
970 · Sep 2018
GONER
Lost Sep 2018
Pills
Rattle
Down
My
Throat

I am a tuneless maraca
Shake me up and listen
To the sound of medication
Rapping up against my
Intestinal lining

Dance to the song
My stomach is writing
Hear the notes smeared
Together and move your
Body in rhythm with my
Convulsing

Foaming at the mouth
White bubbles of poison
Dripping down blue cheeks
My eyes roll back in my
Head and see stars erupting
A firework show just for me
Frying up my burning brain

When I die I don’t
Want to be asleep
I want to feel every last
Bit of oxygen
Squeezed out of me
I want to watch my life
slip away in a hazy fever dream

Pills rattle down my throat
And you’re not here to see it
But I’m laying on the ground
Choking on my *****
I didn’t say goodbye
Because it would just
Make everybody sad
But know that this is
The happiest moment
I’ve had
CONTENT WARNING: Strong suicidal ideation

I promise I’m okay, I’m just struggling while I’m off my meds for now. I’m in between psychiatrists and I’ll get them soon enough. I am safe.
943 · Sep 2018
FATE
Lost Sep 2018
Running it through my head
Like a train without brakes
I know I’ll run this off the tracks
And burn it all to the ground
If I don’t stop chugging through
The same paths in my head

I just can’t imagine why
Somebody like you
Would bother trying
To make things work
With somebody like me

I’m a broken machine
Pieces missing and
Parts rusted through
Will you fill in my holes
And make things run
Or will I just keep driving
Until I get towed into
The same junkyard
Where all the other
Lost causes go?

Don’t get your hopes up
I know I don’t anymore
I doubt I can keep this
Up long enough to
Get comfortable

We’ll float suspended
Together in this purgatory
Of maybe’s and what if’s
Until we drift apart
You to something better
Me to something lonelier
And then we’ll both be
Where we belong

My fate lies somewhere
Destitute and alone
But for now let’s pretend
That I’m not an eroded
Abandoned house
Too far gone and left
Out to rot and let’s
Paint my peeling walls
And hang pictures in my
Empty halls until I
Inevitably collapse
933 · Jan 7
GAINING
Lost Jan 7
I miss being skinnier
But I don’t miss:

• The stomach pain
• Playing Adderall dosage games
• Hurting myself when I fall from fainting
• Dizziness
• Sleepiness
• Achiness

And I have to tell myself
Those things were bad
Or else I remember wrong
I have to tell myself
That lightheadedness
Isn’t euphoria
Is anemia
That skipping meals
Isn’t the best way
It’s anorexia
That throwing up
Isn’t deserved
It’s bulimia
It’s been years since I starved myself and probably about a year since I last purged. I abused Adderall to suppress my appetite, and the total milligrams I would take throughout the day at one point was nearly 100. I’ve gained a lot of weight rapidly recently and am now overweight. I will learn to find balance and a healthy weight in a healthy way. I will stop being ashamed that I need food to survive, and that my body needs to be nourished to thrive, but I will also stop abusing food and bingeing when nobody is around to see me. I will give myself the gift of a happy body.
885 · Sep 2018
UNDERTOW
Lost Sep 2018
I am a steady tide
Crashing waves
Rolling in predictable
Constant patterns

I lap the shore
Each year
The same way
I did the last

Carving the same paths
Into the sand
Following the same route
Unchanging

I am the Earth’s orbit
Making a persistent circle
Pulling towards the gravity
Of a stationed sun

Unable to break away
From such a driving force
My habits stick in this
Perpetual cycle

As long as the stars in the sky
Faithfully line up the same
Twinkling constellations
Concrete indications of
Persisting motifs

I will spin around the sky
Spiraling consistently
Satellite certainty
A scheduled recurrence
No matter how hard I try
848 · Jun 2019
SNAKES
Lost Jun 2019
Snakes blooming
From my open mouth
I try to bite down
But they force their way out

Coiled in my stomach
Slumbering in my core
I house reptilian parasites
And faint to the floor
Another poem found in my sketchbook that I didn’t initially post.
790 · Dec 2018
BLUR
Lost Dec 2018
I forget which songs
I opened my skin to
Which sounds my body
offered its insides to
Staining my sheets
The color of roses
Red and sticky sweet

I can’t remember
Which songs my thighs
Burst open to
Like an overripe
Clementine
Juices welling under
The thinly veiled surface
Eager to spurt from fragile flesh

I forget which songs
I listened to when I
Separated skin with steel
Because I’ve done it so many times
They all blend together
Like the colors in a sunset
Soft and warm
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm.
728 · Nov 2018
A TANGENTIAL REFLECTION
Lost Nov 2018
I can’t remember the last time
I felt like I had a home

I hide in my room
And that is my house

I stow myself away
Like stashed contraband

I am not meant
To see the light of day

I am a ***** secret
I am the black sheep

Even my own mother
Doesn’t have faith in me

I’ve heard it directly
Straight from her mouth

I see it intangibly
In her furrowed brow

I don’t have a place
Where I feel familiar

I stand on the outside
Of every circle

I used to wonder
What I was doing wrong

But I think that I know
That it’s just who I am

I am not meant
To have a place

I own nothing of worth
I have no land

I sabotage my life
I throw away my efforts

For the chance to lay in bed
For a couple more hours

I am an observer
Watching the race

I see people running
Fast and hard

Toward the life they want
And the happiness they deserve

But I’m on the bleachers
Sitting and wasting

All of my energy
All of my time

I don’t do much work
But I still whine

“I have no money”
“I have no job”

But there’s nobody to blame
Except myself
Everything
Boils down
To being
My fault

But I don’t want pity
Especially not from myself

So I trade it in for self-loathing
And devalue my health

I don’t eat some days
But some days I binge

Some days I puke
But others I hold it in

“Do you want to change?”
Even my therapist knows

That I’ve settled for misery
That I’m destined for woe

I shut my eyes
And live in the dark

Because when I open them
All I see

Is the mess I made
That binds and traps me

I give up
It’s just what I do

It’s the only thing I’m good at
Causing this distress
I put myself through

I hold myself responsible
I don’t point the finger of blame

Except in the mirror
This is a personal shame
Definitely not a good poem. Very whiny. I refuse to settle for a ****** existence, but I do feel like this a lot. It’s just negative thoughts and self-doubt. I’m learning to ignore it, but they’re very persistent. I know it will get better with time and practice.
653 · Jan 2019
BEDPAN BLUES
Lost Jan 2019
Cigarette lungs
And poisoned guts
I have a rotten brain
Riddled with curdled spots

I ****** down fistfuls
Of pills from six separate bottles
I can’t nurture any self love
But I find loathing inside to cradle and coddle

Scarred skin
And rampant decay
I am an animated corpse
A macabre, dancing display

In the ICU for three days
Tachycardia and shakes
Jellied my legs into
Disobedient writhing snakes

Cobweb chest
And festering heart
I pucker and ooze
Sickly sour and ****

Hospital hallucinations
On the sink sat a friendly bird
It shifted from form to form
Singing beautiful songs no one else heard
I tried to **** myself by overdosing on various medications December 28th. I haven’t been able to write anything worthwhile since, but I still wanted to share something anyway since I’ve been away at the hospital for so long. It feels good to be out and to be making progress. I will keep writing until I can create something of value again. Thank you all for your unconditional support and patience. I appreciate this outlet endlessly.
631 · Sep 2018
STAR GAZING
Lost Sep 2018
Sometimes
I can’t breathe
When I kiss

Like the colliding
Of lips and noses
Creates a vacuum seal
Around my mouth

The air drains
Out of my lungs
And into theirs
I deflate pleasantly

I breathe
My being
Away

I give
My lungs
A break

I let
Them sit
Empty

Until
I see
Stars

A dizzying galaxy
Under my eyelids
Twinkles in tandem
With each spiral
Drawn onto my skin
With the tips
Of gentle fingers

Breathless
My vision fades
To black
Constellations
Becoming fuzzy

I slip deeper
Into the night
Hoping when
I open my eyes
Nothing but
Darkness
And sensation
Remains
627 · Jul 2019
PARAKEET POEMS
Lost Jul 2019
Words in a gilded cage
Scrawled in a page
My misery rings true
In the hearts of all
For we’ve all been blue

Every one of you
Had hear a siren song call
From within the depths
Of your chest
Each ballad bringing
The same sadness
As the rest

You can try your best
But words in a gilded cage
Sparkle with relatable appeal
Because the pain of heartbreak
Is achingly real

We all feel
In our hearts
Each throbbing bruise
Every black and blue mark
Smarting incessantly
Yet dulling with age

Let poetry guide you
To a less lonely place
To a wonderland of words
In a gilded cage
Found half of this poem over the weekend scribbled on a piece of scrap paper from work, and decided to finish it this evening. Hope it makes sense.
Lost Dec 2018
This is a LIGHT ORANGE,
ROUND-shaped TABLET
Imprinted with U30 on the front

This is a HEADACHE
When the LIGHTS are too BRIGHT
For your dilated PUPILS

This is an EMPTY STOMACH
Growling and ignored
Shrinking and shriveling
Under the pressure of a medicated FIST
Squeezing it TIGHT

This is a clenched JAW
Crushing TEETH into jagged SHARDS
TENSION worming its way
Through every FIBER and SINEW

This is a METICULOUS AGENDA
Planning every PRECIOUS MINUTE
Waiting anxiously to fix
Everything that hasn’t gone WRONG yet
But possibly will
It is a RELENTLESS VIGIL
Standing in FRONT of a CLOCK
Counting down the seconds
Until it all comes crashing DOWN

This is AMPHETAMINE SALTS
Common brand(s): Adderall
554 · Aug 2018
RELAPSE
Lost Aug 2018
left all alone
to be strangled

tonight
I am Kitty Genovese

but my assailant
does not smother me
with the same hands
as hers

the fist of five curled fingers
punishing my throat

is connected with mine
we are one and the same

I kneel in the bathroom
left all alone

in sputtering prayer
over the toilet bowl

one hand untying the knots in my stomach
reaching down my throat to pluck them out
one hand holding back my hair

so tonight I am strangled
victim of my own hand
and tonight I am Kitty Genovese
as neighbors press their ears to the walls
to better hear my struggle
but don't dare knock on the door
Trigger Warning: References to bulimia
529 · Jan 7
MUTE
Lost Jan 7
My voice is gone
I had a way with words
But found that
Pain taught me to speak

It’s not that I don’t hurt anymore
I pinched my arm today
And I wanted to do it
Until I bled

It still hurt
I still want to hurt
I just can’t do it anymore
I can’t torture my mind
My body
The same way
That I used to
Skin crowded with scars
But no more scabs
Just traumatized tissue

Pain taught me to write
Pain taught me to draw
But pain also taught me
That life can be more
I guess
Still in the midst an identity crisis, but honestly whatever. I figure it out because I have to.
500 · Jul 2019
SHIT STINKS
Lost Jul 2019
I’m drowning in ****
Spewing from my own ***
I’m in a fountain of it
I’m the figurehead vomiting
Liquid feces

I’m not rude
I’m not crass
I’m telling the truth

And sometimes
Honesty ******* stinks
Especially when the reality is
That it’s your own ******* fault
Self-sabotage
Bleeding from the walls

I’m drowning in ****
Spewing from my own ***
How long?
How long until you catch
The stifling odor
The aroma of ****
Would you stick around
Would it be worth it?

Big ******* doubt
You’ll do a 180
And turn right the **** around
Running in the opposite direction
Because you found out
That I’m full
Of
****

Come
And
Sit
Next to me
I’m laying here
Festering
Soiled and soaked
Questioning
When somebody will come along
Without leaving
When my **** stinks
Too much
Sorry if the gross imagery is a little overkill lol. Just had to get this one out. Off all my meds right now and my mind is a messy place to be.
471 · Nov 2018
FRACTURED
Lost Nov 2018
I am a broken bone
Sitting in an old cast

It’s been years
But it never healed up

Jagged edges
Grind together
Underneath
This plaster wrap

I wonder when
Things will line up
428 · May 2019
SPARK
Lost May 2019
Light me
And tend to me
My flames are weary coals
Stir my insides
Until something catches

Just a spark will do
Just a glimmer of energy
To light me up

Watch as I glow in the heat
Watch and stare
Right through me

I am a jack-o’-lantern
A smile carved into ripe skin
Tealight attempting to illuminate
My cavernous body
Scraped clean
Of guts and worth
Empty entity
Godless gourd

Gaslight dwindling in darkness
My path is unclear
Gasoline glow
Faintly wavering
In whipping wind

Lighter gears grinding
Under the pressure of
A still hand
I can’t seem to stop shaking
Long enough
To work mine

Light me please
Give my eyes
Something to reflect
Give my freezing fingers
The warmth of relief
Light me and see
If flames will animate
My dormant being
427 · Dec 2018
FRIED
Lost Dec 2018
Where did all
the light go?

Sizzled out
of sight—
the sunshine
left me alone tonight.
423 · Jun 2019
TAKING IT SLOW
Lost Jun 2019
I want to skip ahead
Instead of letting time pass
To when I’m laying in your bed
In your arms at last

I can’t stand this waiting
To know each other better
Lay next to me breathing
And listen to each word, syllable, and letter

Absorb my life intently
Absolve me of my memory
And then I’ll take my turn patiently
To hear your story
This is a poem I wrote in my sketchbook that I didn’t initially post because I’m not a huge fan of it.
408 · Oct 2018
BLEEDING HEART
Lost Oct 2018
I ripped my
Heart out
So I could
Stop feeling
But it never
Stopped beating

Now I have
A heart in
My hands
And a hole
In my chest
And a great
Deal of hurt
All throughout
384 · Sep 2019
GREENHOUSE BLUES
Lost Sep 2019
I FEEL SO HELPLESS
Swept away in the riptide
The waves wash over me
Shaping me
Into something
Unrecognizable
I look almost the same
There’s just less of me
Eroded, soft, smooth
Stationary
Yet moved
There’s less of me
But what remains is still solid
River rock stolid
I stay in the same place
Because it doesn’t matter where I go
This oppressive water
It drowns everything
Underwater
It stings
But it’s the closest I can get
To seeing clearly
Garbled
     Alphabet soup
Scribbling
     Every word
Nothing expressing
The weight of fate
How heavy
How thick
Swimming in
Cough syrup
Distressed about climate change tonight. Writing about it and hoping/trying to inform myself.
379 · Jun 2019
BLACK CURTAINS
Lost Jun 2019
My depression likes
Black curtains
So when I go to bed
Before the sun goes down
The light doesn’t
Make me think twice
About closing my eyes
And shutting out the day
Before it has a chance
To end on time
362 · Jun 2019
LOVER
Lost Jun 2019
Can you be my answer?
I’ve been asking in all the wrong places,
But you seem like somebody
I can make a home in.

I make my bed
In the center of your chest
And crawl under the sheets
With you surrounding me.

I look through the windows
Of your eyes.
I want to see from inside your head
The world and the light.
355 · Oct 2018
I AM CURDLED
Lost Oct 2018
It feels like
There’s a throbbing
Mass leaking like
A bruised rotten
Tomato in my
Cranium

If you tilt me
To the side
The mushy
Rank guts in
My head
Trickle out
My ears

All green with
Yellow chunks
It slides and
Squeezes its
Way out and
Stains my
Pillowcase

Crush me until
It all comes out
Until I am empty
And maybe then
Everything won’t
Feel so heavy
350 · Sep 2019
UNINSPIRED
Lost Sep 2019
Under the blankets
Never shaking them off
In the depths of my mattress
Needing more than this
Stuck in my bed
Perpetually in a fog
Interested in nothing in particular
Remembering that there’s no point in trying
Every day when eventually I’ll just be
Dead
The name of these type of poems is totally escaping me right now, but the first letter of each line spells out “uninspired” when you put them together. Not really a good poem honestly, but it’s all I can offer right now. I feel so drained of creativity.
349 · Dec 2019
LAST DECEMBER
Lost Dec 2019
I haunt me
The ghost of my actions
Taunts me
These shadows
In my periphery
Remind me
You weren’t the one
Who left me
Parting gifts
Parting words
From parting lips
Parting hurts
It’s funny how
With time
Pain dulls
Yet still reminds
An anniversary
This December
Will test me
And I will remember
You
And I bet you
Will remember too
And I suppose
That’s on me
The ghost of my actions
Is haunting handfuls of hosts
And I thought I felt it the most
But in my heart I know
My actions don’t effect me alone
And for what I’ve done I have atoned
But it doesn’t matter to you
And I understand
When I hurt me it hurt you too
I haunt me
But I haunt you as well
I can forgive me
For the pain I’ve caused myself
But for the hurt I put you through
I don’t really blame you
For never wishing me well
340 · Aug 2019
SKIPPING MEDS
Lost Aug 2019
I threw up in the sink this morning
When brushing my teeth
I stayed in bed too late again
So I hope nobody sees
The chronic messy bedhead
And the stringy, flakey grease

Putting on old wrinkled clothes
With that ***** laundry stink
Sleeping on a bare mattress
Too lazy to put on sheets
Saying I’ll pick up later
But I’m always napping

Laying on a naked bed
Swaddled in familiar dread
Making no plans to change it
Because I’m sick of trying

I’ve never felt as committed to life
As I have to dying
I haven’t bothered to write lately
Because I’m tired of whining
339 · May 2019
LOVE?
Lost May 2019
******* strangers
Asking them to make it rough
To drown out the pain
Of never finding love
Convincing myself
That this is close enough
313 · Apr 2019
GRAVE
Lost Apr 2019
Stop me
Dirt under my nails
Clawing at the earth
Prying apart
The ground
Sweating
Thinking:
Six feet
Is a long
Way
Down
309 · Nov 2018
BLIND
Lost Nov 2018
Looking around me trying to see
What I can do to succeed
But all I find is a dark void
And all I hear are the sounds of flies
A buzzing, irritating white noise
I guess it all looks the same beneath shut eyes
303 · Oct 2019
IGNITED
Lost Oct 2019
Ripping at the seams
Quietly though
Like a mouth parting
The rip of lips opening
In a silent room
Impending doom
Seals them back shut
The combustion is sequestered
To a smaller quarantine
Exploding inside a container
Of memories
Flashes of shame
Burn up in flames
Inside my brain
And I find myself lost
In a maze of moss
Trees so tall
I can’t see the tops
Moonlight shines
On matte rocks
In a forest
In my head
Wandering around
Yet laying in bed
Duality so striking
Complacent activity
Stagnant movement
Stationed electricity
The fireworks bursting
Behind my eyes
Are blinding yet
They shine no light
296 · Aug 2018
RED BLOOD CELLS
Lost Aug 2018
instead of a muscle
pumping blood
pulsing on
I think that my heart
is a blood clot

a gooey mass
in my congested chest
bleeding in trickles
growing in size
leaking out
into my sides

flooding my lungs
and pooling under my ribs
I cough at night
and taste it
291 · Nov 2019
CABIN FEVER
Lost Nov 2019
Every where I go
I see blunt objects
Feel the urge
To rush forward
And crack
Smack
Bash
Smash
My eggshell head
Wide open
Right on my forehead
Displaying the dirt
The mud
The *****
Black sludge
In my cranium
In my core
I want to blast it out
Into the floor
My license is suspended right now. I can’t see my therapist. I can’t change my meds like I was planning to. I can clean my room and change things at home, but I know that I won’t.
289 · Aug 2018
WARM
Lost Aug 2018
hiding in my blanketed sanctuary
I make myself small
balled up in the fetal position
clinging onto a pillow
that I hug close to me
sandwiched between my knees
my arms wrapped around it

I imagine the pillow animate
the weight and resistance of a torso
a person to put their arms around me too
when I need it

but my pillow does not obey my wishful thinking
and it is never replaced by a chest that rises and falls
it is only ever a padded rectangle
folded and scrunched and squeezed
in my desolate embrace

I scramble through my memories
sifting through the sensory details
grabbing ahold of the most recent recollection
of a night where I wasn’t alone
and wringing it out again and again
trying to squeeze out the final drops
of tactile sensation
the remaining morsels of comfort
derived from physical affections

I pick out the smallest details
and focus on reconstructing them
as vividly as possible—

the feeling of his soft, hot breath
kissing my neck and shoulder
whispers color back into my cheeks

I feel the steady rise and fall
of his slowed, sleepy breathing
and the rhythm of life
throbbing in his chest

his arm wrapped around me
draped across my waist and over my chest
the pressure and weight of his legs
tangled with mine
it feels like safety
and I know I need to cherish it
because I won’t have him for long

I turn around in his arms
to open my eyes and study him
I don’t want to forget his lips
or his long eyelashes
when he leaves

I stroke his cheek lightly
running my fingers through his beard
I want to cry
because I needed this so bad
and it will never last

but I put my sadness away
and save it for a lonelier night
when I won’t hear his quiet snore next to me

for when I am alone again
in my arctic tundra bed
frozen to my sheets
and stuck in the cold—

I want to exist suspended in this moment
these few hours our bodies melted together
and drown in the combined volume
of our collective contentment

I want to always remember you
so when I feel the ice in my core
chilling my bones at night
I have a time to remember
when I finally felt warm
285 · Jan 27
MAKE MEANING
Lost Jan 27
I want
To make
Memories

When I go to sleep at night
I remember
And I don’t like it

I want
To make
Memories

Of good days that I can say I really liked
That I didn’t just exist in
But was a part of
284 · Mar 2019
HELPLESS
Lost Mar 2019
Beating white-knuckled fists
Into the ground
A rising frustration in my throat
Makes tears fall down

“Helplessness is learned”
That’s what they tell me
But I feel like I am
Perpetually a baby

Nineteen years and counting
I’ve been stuck in this skin
And no more control over
The cacophony within

Sitting in front of textbooks
Staring at the same words
I’m on a long road to nowhere
“Helplessness is learned”

Bound like *******
Hanging in the air
Hands behind my back for so long
I forget they’re there

“Helplessness is learned”
It’s a lesson drilled in my brain
Growing up more each day
But an angry toddler all the same

Time ticking relentless
As years fly by
While I sit in a corner
Thinking about why

Eyes stinging red
An incessant burn
It all boils down to
“Helplessness is learned”
Committing to my recovery has been difficult. I have the same feelings and negative core beliefs, but I’m trying to act oppositely until they change. Maybe then I’ll feel like I have control.
278 · Jun 2019
THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY
Lost Jun 2019
Every time
I sit down to write
Lately what comes out
Doesn’t sound right

I write of love
The kind I strive
To have some day
In this life

But there is
Nothing romantic
And being lonely
Alone and frantic

Empty bed
Heart too full
I want to share
My aching soul

So ready to tell
Each part of my story
Rehearsed and scripted
In my poetry

I need a partner
To be with me
Spending my days
Accompanied

I need a body
To hold near
To call my own
And hold dear

I want to listen
About your day
And notice each
Lovable idiosyncrasy

Love me hard
And I’ll love you harder
My love is dynamic
Flowing like water

Feel it rushing
Into you
If I’m lucky
I’ll feel it too
275 · Sep 2018
LOST
Lost Sep 2018
I don’t know how
To stop hurting

I’ve grown so used
To the aches and stings
In my chest and my
Hip and my arm
That I start to miss
It when it’s gone

How do I move on
Without this pain?

I’ve never lived
Without it and
I miss it like an
Estranged lover
When it starts
To finally leave
Me alone

Soaring through
Dirt and soil skies

I want to die
But mostly I
Just want to
Disappear

Falling asleep
Without waking up

Do you know
How much it
Hurts to want
Something
You can never
Have?

I feel fated
To live in
The ground
271 · Jan 13
LIVING
Lost Jan 13
It’s naive to think
This will all be
Effortless

With time
With practice
This will all be
Bearable

But that’s all:
Bearable
Manageable
Maybe even
A little easier
But that’s all

It will take
Effort
It will take
More than
Complacency
And that
Doesn’t always
Jive with me

Sedentary being
Habits comfort me
Breaking away
Creates incongruity
Something doesn’t
Line up for me
When I think of
Pushing my limits
And challenging
Myself

I want to commit
To being alive
But I’m not sure
That I’ve tried
As hard as I
Always should

But it’s naive to think
This won’t take time
And naive to think
I won’t **** up
Somewhere
Along the line

Forgiveness
Within myself
For the times
I’ve done less
Than my best
Will help me
Pick back up
And try again
262 · Apr 2019
THE SOUND OF SILENCE
Lost Apr 2019
“Better off dead”
Floating around aimless
In the empty halls
Echoing off the raised ceiling
And bouncing off
Whitewashed walls

That’s what I hear
Late at night
When I wish I could disappear
252 · Dec 2019
BLAME GAME
Lost Dec 2019
Maybe it’s my fault
That they’re not enough
Maybe I’m selfish
For wanting specific love

Maybe it’s my fault
That I always break things off
Maybe I’m too picky
For knowing what I want

Maybe it’s my fault
That nobody’s around
Maybe they’re not busy
They just don’t want to hang out

Maybe it’s my fault
For being too much
Maybe I’m too intense
And I’m not dialing it down enough

Maybe it’s my fault
No matter what
Maybe it doesn’t matter
It’ll just always be wrong
Yet another first date tomorrow. Dreading it deeply. Can’t seem to figure out how to navigate meeting new people platonically or otherwise with such immense emotional baggage. It’s so exhausting.
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