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20h · 25
CROP
Lost 20h
Am I really so empty?
Dried corn husk
Brittle leaves curved
Around negative space

The fruits of the earth
Long plucked away
Leaving nothing
But open air

But where did it all go?
Rows of pearly yellow
Crowded parts
Bursting and vibrant life

Gone is not the right word
Consumed is not either
Departed comes to mind
But it doesn’t fit right

Maybe the change is not a death
Maybe it is a birth instead

A husk is not the same
Without it’s core
But it is
It is

Born again I am new
This skin walks hollow
This skin walks full
I am not empty
I am the sum of my parts
Wholeness is perceived
And pieced together
Intentionally

I am the sum of my parts
Past and present
Intertwined so tight
The seams meld into one

Clay raked from wet ground
With my clawed hands
The weight feels the same
Balanced in my palms

Interlocking fingers
Press one heap of clay
To the other
Ooze leaks from gaps

Husk or whole
Both are parts
When clay palms collide
It’s impossible to just see
One or the other

A story is not the same
When you remove history
I cannot be a husk
Unless there was
Life
May 15 · 43
VACANT
Lost May 15
The same Bright Eyes album
With the same feeling
In the same bed
Looking at a different ceiling

Some things stay the same
And some things will change
But it all feels old
Musty, dusty,
Stained with mold

Water damage on the walls of my room in the double wide
Are like the new stretch marks on my stomach
My plaster skin, my sheetrock hide

If I pick
The paint
Comes off
Rubbery in slippery fingers
Little round fingertip
Jagged cuticle I bit

I can’t remember much
But nothing feels new
My optic nerves receive stimuli
With no brain to register to

I am not blind
I think I might just choose
To leave my mind places
I won’t go back to
I already have a poem titled “VACANT” but tbh after writing over 100 poems it’s getting quite difficult to come up with new titles each time lol.

I hope you’re all doing alright during these uncertain times. Much love to all of you wonderful members of this community :)
Mar 9 · 88
INSURMOUNTABLE
Lost Mar 9
****
****
****
When will I ever feel
Like I am enough?

Leave
Leave
Leave
I don’t want you to
To look at me

Go
Go
Go
I don’t want you
To know
Who I am
Because it’s rotten
It’s spoiled
It’s festering
I’m a person
Who’s just gone bad
Long ago
And will never have
A resurrection
A chance to
Reorient
This downhill direction
I’ve been diving in
Some days
I tread water
But my arms
They get tired
And time and time again
I drown
I don’t want
To take you down
To the depths
Of my despair
I don’t want
You to care
It would be better if
I could disappear
Mar 2 · 191
WE ARE PERPENDICULAR
Lost Mar 2
Crossing paths
Is just that
A blip in my timeline
Aligns with yours

A year or two or three
You’ll spend with me
But we’re just crossing paths
Nothing more than that

My heart aches for the day
One of us walks away
Inevitably
Gone, but with a trace
With memories
Of your face
In my head
In my mind
What lies ahead
I dread
That I’ll find
All these paths
Are crossing at times
But always split
Sooner or later
Feb 7 · 178
17
Lost Feb 7
17
Cigarette
Picked up
Off the ground

Teenage hands
Meet this paper tube
Teenage hands
Smell of lighter fluid

This tobacco cylinder
Plucked from the concrete
Once kissed by fire
Again meets
Flame

Inhaled deep
Then exhaled soft
Teenager sees
Pluming smoke

Cigarette ****
Smoked down
Tobacco flakes
Snow onto the ground

Bottom of boot
Smears it away
Ash blends into
Wet tar and grey
Feb 7 · 117
PASSENGER SEAT
Lost Feb 7
My car is
A home
I trash it
Because
I think it
Reflects
The person that
I am
***** messy
****** terrible
I trash my car
As I trash myself
Cramming garbage
Into every corner
Never thinking
To stop and wonder
What my life
Would be like
If I were cleaner
Not having to worry
Every time
Someone new
Sees the trash I hide
In my car
It smells of cigarettes
In my car
Is a sea of garbage
In my car
I drown in debris
Knowing I’m the only one
Who has done this to me
The last line of my senior quote was, “I bet my car is still a mess” or something along those lines. I was right. I am habitually and perpetually the owner of the dirtiest car I know.
Jan 30 · 152
A LETTER
Lost Jan 30
Hey,

It’s been a while, friend.
Since I’ve seen your face,
Heard your voice,
The sound of your laugh
Seen you play with your messy hair.

I think of you a lot.
I think of you when I hear
The songs we listened to
Together.
I can’t listen to
A lot of songs
I used to love
Because of you,
But that’s okay.

I find new songs,
And I think of you too.
I think of you first,
Because you’re
The only person
I would have showed them to.
It’s mostly sad songs
That remind me of you
Because you
Are sadness
To me.

Sadness personified.

I miss you so much
My throat feels tight
Writing this.
I miss you so much
That it’s been
Over a year
And hearing your name
Still makes my stomach
Drop.

And the worst part is
I know,
God do I know,
That I could have
Made things different.

But no.
I didn’t.

But I also know
You could have too.

The blame isn’t mine
To totally own.
Though I think I
Feel it so heavy
On my shoulders
Some days
That I think
I might
Break under
The weight.

I wonder
Do you feel the same?

Does your stomach drop
When you hear my name?
Do you cry sometimes
Just thinking
About how
It could
Be different?

I thought I saw
Your car today.
My heart leapt
And then immediately
Sank.
Not because
It wasn’t you—
Because if it were
I don’t know what I’d do.
I thought about it
And realized
The right thing
Would be to do
Nothing.
To pretend
I saw
Nothing.

I think I might
Be the only one
Left to still
Miss our friendship.

I think you’ve
Moved on better
Than I have.

And I’m glad.

But, *******,
Do I wish
Someday
You might
Text me back.
This poem is not a good poem, but I’m not posting it for anybody on here anyway. I’m posting it for me. Like all of my poems, this is not for any audience. This is for my sanity.

Thank you for reading regardless. I feel less alone when you guys relate.
Jan 28 · 137
THESE DAYS
Lost Jan 28
I can’t do much these days
When I wanted to fill quiet space
I used to listen to sad songs
Because I loved them
And related to them
But I don’t do that much anymore
To save my heart
The suffering

I can’t do much these days
When I didn’t want to go to bed
I used to smoke cigarettes at night
Because I loved nicotine
And they calmed me
But I don’t do that much anymore
To save my lungs
From blackening

I can’t do much these days
When I was small
I used to steal food from the kitchen
Because I loved eating until I felt sick
And I liked the taste
But I don’t to that much anymore
To save my heart
From disease

I can’t do much these days
When I was in high school
I used to try to starve myself until I would faint
Because I loved being skinny
And I hated my body
But I don’t do that much anymore
To save my stomach
From aching

I can’t do much these days
When I was eleven or twelve
I used to open and hurt my skin
Because I loved pain
And I felt like I was bursting anyway
But I don’t do that much anymore
To save my tissue
From scarring

I can’t do much these days
When I was a teenager
I used to pop 100mg Adderall during the day
Because I loved medicating
And my doctor told me it was okay
But I don’t do that much anymore
To save mind
From tweaking

I can’t do much these days
When I wanted to die
I used to destroy myself
Because I loved to hurt
And I felt I deserved it
But I don’t do that much anymore
To save my mom
The grief

To save myself
Jan 27 · 286
MAKE MEANING
Lost Jan 27
I want
To make
Memories

When I go to sleep at night
I remember
And I don’t like it

I want
To make
Memories

Of good days that I can say I really liked
That I didn’t just exist in
But was a part of
Jan 25 · 147
CATHARSIS
Lost Jan 25
I have so much pain
Stuffed away inside me
I don’t feel it all that often anymore
But I know it’s still there

I’d like to purge it
To flush it out
This emotional abscess
Rotting me

I’d like to cut it out
And walk around
With a big hole
Straight through me

I’d like to hook a finger
Down my throat
And scoop and dig it
Out of me

I’d like to find it
Peeking out of a pore
And I’d like to
Squeeze it away

But instead I cry
Because crying is
The closest thing
I’ve got
Jan 23 · 203
RECOLLECTION
Lost Jan 23
Firework flash
Behind my eyes
A memory erupted
Lighting my conscious sky

Intrusive image
Bursting bright
A memory of you
Comes into my mind
Constantly redirecting my thoughts. I feel like everything reminds me of things better left in the past.
Jan 13 · 272
LIVING
Lost Jan 13
It’s naive to think
This will all be
Effortless

With time
With practice
This will all be
Bearable

But that’s all:
Bearable
Manageable
Maybe even
A little easier
But that’s all

It will take
Effort
It will take
More than
Complacency
And that
Doesn’t always
Jive with me

Sedentary being
Habits comfort me
Breaking away
Creates incongruity
Something doesn’t
Line up for me
When I think of
Pushing my limits
And challenging
Myself

I want to commit
To being alive
But I’m not sure
That I’ve tried
As hard as I
Always should

But it’s naive to think
This won’t take time
And naive to think
I won’t **** up
Somewhere
Along the line

Forgiveness
Within myself
For the times
I’ve done less
Than my best
Will help me
Pick back up
And try again
Jan 7 · 530
MUTE
Lost Jan 7
My voice is gone
I had a way with words
But found that
Pain taught me to speak

It’s not that I don’t hurt anymore
I pinched my arm today
And I wanted to do it
Until I bled

It still hurt
I still want to hurt
I just can’t do it anymore
I can’t torture my mind
My body
The same way
That I used to
Skin crowded with scars
But no more scabs
Just traumatized tissue

Pain taught me to write
Pain taught me to draw
But pain also taught me
That life can be more
I guess
Still in the midst an identity crisis, but honestly whatever. I figure it out because I have to.
Jan 7 · 939
GAINING
Lost Jan 7
I miss being skinnier
But I don’t miss:

• The stomach pain
• Playing Adderall dosage games
• Hurting myself when I fall from fainting
• Dizziness
• Sleepiness
• Achiness

And I have to tell myself
Those things were bad
Or else I remember wrong
I have to tell myself
That lightheadedness
Isn’t euphoria
Is anemia
That skipping meals
Isn’t the best way
It’s anorexia
That throwing up
Isn’t deserved
It’s bulimia
It’s been years since I starved myself and probably about a year since I last purged. I abused Adderall to suppress my appetite, and the total milligrams I would take throughout the day at one point was nearly 100. I’ve gained a lot of weight rapidly recently and am now overweight. I will learn to find balance and a healthy weight in a healthy way. I will stop being ashamed that I need food to survive, and that my body needs to be nourished to thrive, but I will also stop abusing food and bingeing when nobody is around to see me. I will give myself the gift of a happy body.
Dec 2019 · 254
BLAME GAME
Lost Dec 2019
Maybe it’s my fault
That they’re not enough
Maybe I’m selfish
For wanting specific love

Maybe it’s my fault
That I always break things off
Maybe I’m too picky
For knowing what I want

Maybe it’s my fault
That nobody’s around
Maybe they’re not busy
They just don’t want to hang out

Maybe it’s my fault
For being too much
Maybe I’m too intense
And I’m not dialing it down enough

Maybe it’s my fault
No matter what
Maybe it doesn’t matter
It’ll just always be wrong
Yet another first date tomorrow. Dreading it deeply. Can’t seem to figure out how to navigate meeting new people platonically or otherwise with such immense emotional baggage. It’s so exhausting.
Dec 2019 · 352
LAST DECEMBER
Lost Dec 2019
I haunt me
The ghost of my actions
Taunts me
These shadows
In my periphery
Remind me
You weren’t the one
Who left me
Parting gifts
Parting words
From parting lips
Parting hurts
It’s funny how
With time
Pain dulls
Yet still reminds
An anniversary
This December
Will test me
And I will remember
You
And I bet you
Will remember too
And I suppose
That’s on me
The ghost of my actions
Is haunting handfuls of hosts
And I thought I felt it the most
But in my heart I know
My actions don’t effect me alone
And for what I’ve done I have atoned
But it doesn’t matter to you
And I understand
When I hurt me it hurt you too
I haunt me
But I haunt you as well
I can forgive me
For the pain I’ve caused myself
But for the hurt I put you through
I don’t really blame you
For never wishing me well
Dec 2019 · 209
BROKE
Lost Dec 2019
My heart broke different this time
The strings attaching my world
To my heart
Snipped
Severed
Separated

This twine tying me down
Unwound and unbound
My world was my art
And now my heart
Beats flat
No longer with
The rambunctious
Rampant creativity
That resonated through
My veins

I look in the mirror
Holding stiller and stiller
Trying to catch the stranger
Looking back at me
In the act
Of stealing my skin
Or the passion I had
Fueling from within

I look at old pictures
And into my own eyes
I miss her
I would cry
But I think my heart
Broke different this time
Feeling weird nostalgia for the toxic, erratic, unhealthy person I was. The healthier I get, the less I feel like myself.
Dec 2019 · 199
THEY TELL ME
Lost Dec 2019
Hope they tell me
Will turn it around
Routine they tell me
Will make it right
Resilience they tell me
Is what I’ll learn from this
Clean they tell me
Will clear my cluttered head
Gratitude they tell me
Will put things in perspective

Hope they tell me
Is something I can learn
To undo the helplessness
That I wear branded and burned
My skin is a story
Read my scars
Each line will tell
That things have been hard

But hope they tell me
Will be a light
At the end of a tunnel
On these snowy nights

I haven’t felt it yet
But I have heard
That hope can lift away
That it can purge
Some of the darkness
Deep and dark
Instead of letting it
Make more marks
On my body
On my skin
I’ll bundle up layers
Of hope instead
Happy to be back after this site was down for me for a long time :) I am so grateful for this space, and not having it was genuinely upsetting.
Nov 2019 · 294
CABIN FEVER
Lost Nov 2019
Every where I go
I see blunt objects
Feel the urge
To rush forward
And crack
Smack
Bash
Smash
My eggshell head
Wide open
Right on my forehead
Displaying the dirt
The mud
The *****
Black sludge
In my cranium
In my core
I want to blast it out
Into the floor
My license is suspended right now. I can’t see my therapist. I can’t change my meds like I was planning to. I can clean my room and change things at home, but I know that I won’t.
Oct 2019 · 306
IGNITED
Lost Oct 2019
Ripping at the seams
Quietly though
Like a mouth parting
The rip of lips opening
In a silent room
Impending doom
Seals them back shut
The combustion is sequestered
To a smaller quarantine
Exploding inside a container
Of memories
Flashes of shame
Burn up in flames
Inside my brain
And I find myself lost
In a maze of moss
Trees so tall
I can’t see the tops
Moonlight shines
On matte rocks
In a forest
In my head
Wandering around
Yet laying in bed
Duality so striking
Complacent activity
Stagnant movement
Stationed electricity
The fireworks bursting
Behind my eyes
Are blinding yet
They shine no light
Oct 2019 · 158
STALK
Lost Oct 2019
Hot with shame
I search your name
And find the same
Exact pain

You did me wrong
You hurt me
But I still long
For a different reality

Your pictures lie
They don’t explain why
You’ve been so cruel
You’ve made me cry

I know what my
Therapist would say
That we’ve said our goodbyes
Today is a new day

But I still can’t stop
Making my stomach drop
The sight of your face
Puts me in my place

On the ground
Under your shoe
Face down
Pinned by you
Oct 2019 · 195
DOWN
Lost Oct 2019
Down and
Down and
Down down down

Where am I falling
That goes so ******* far
Down?

Am I even falling?
Is this open air?
Or am I sinking—
Drowning in despair?

All I know is gravity
Weighing down inside of me
Squashing my guts
Riding me
Gravity is on top
I am bottoming

Submissive in nature
I perceive myself as helpless
My environment dictates all
She is my strict mistress
No control over my fall
I sink further into distress

I stopped wondering where I’m going
All I know is it’s down
Spinning, twirling in my descent
The world around me whirling about
I stopped wondering where I’m going
And started to look around
At the sky drifting farther away
And the impending ground
Sep 2019 · 385
GREENHOUSE BLUES
Lost Sep 2019
I FEEL SO HELPLESS
Swept away in the riptide
The waves wash over me
Shaping me
Into something
Unrecognizable
I look almost the same
There’s just less of me
Eroded, soft, smooth
Stationary
Yet moved
There’s less of me
But what remains is still solid
River rock stolid
I stay in the same place
Because it doesn’t matter where I go
This oppressive water
It drowns everything
Underwater
It stings
But it’s the closest I can get
To seeing clearly
Garbled
     Alphabet soup
Scribbling
     Every word
Nothing expressing
The weight of fate
How heavy
How thick
Swimming in
Cough syrup
Distressed about climate change tonight. Writing about it and hoping/trying to inform myself.
Sep 2019 · 224
ALRIGHT ALONE
Lost Sep 2019
I am an abandoned ship floating at sea
Like a message in a bottle, I bob aimlessly
I drift along waiting to find my respective shore
But I find open waters and row my tired oars

I am fawn lost without a guiding mother
Wandering the wilderness and searching for another
My spindly legs fail me and the buckle under my weight
I collapse in the grass and decide all I can do is wait

I am balloon that was let go to sail into the endless blue
Gradually drifting higher and higher with nowhere to go to
I know sometime I’ll pop and that it may be soon
But for now I fly not trying to predict my doom

I am a pair of shoes tied together and thrown around an electric line
I have all the time in the world to dangle as the days wash by
My fabric has worn and lost its color but my shape holds true
Laces suspend me in this purgatory of treetop views

I am an abandoned ship floating at sea
Like all the other things I am, I’m living quite lonely
Feeling lost occupies the majority of my time
So I spend my days whiling away and working my mind
Writing now and then just to remind myself that I’m alive
That my thoughts and words are as tangible as relentless time
Ticking away the clock stays as consistent as my rhyme
Structure and hope are all I have to cope and keep me alright
I wax and wane with my commitment, it’s a shame,
But I think I’m doing pretty fine
Sep 2019 · 129
SLOW
Lost Sep 2019
I walk slowly
I’m pretty out of shape
But I think
I walk slowly
I talk slowly
Because I have other weight
Dragging me down
I have regret around my ankles
Guilt shackling my wrists
Impending doom
Like a barbed wire corset
Holding me back
******* me in
I’m afraid to move too much
I calculate my actions carefully
In order to control the damage
Reduce the harm
I walk pretty slowly
I stroll wherever I go
But it’s not leisurely
It’s achingly
Steps shaded with shame
Strides laced with dread
I
Walk
Slowly
Sep 2019 · 208
VAGRANT
Lost Sep 2019
I always feel like a compass spinning
Directionless, I can hardly see
The paths I could take
To the places I need to be
But I trudge on, aimlessly
“My compass spins, the wilderness remains” - Bright Eyes
Sep 2019 · 169
REGRET
Lost Sep 2019
I can’t remember the last time
A day went by where
I didn’t think of you

I can’t believe how many months
Have gone by without
You still being
Just a phone call away

I can’t say how sorry
How deeply I apologize
For every single thing

I can’t cry over you
But I still get sad
I think only so many
Tears can be shed
Before you have to put
The thought to rest
Missing an old friend lately. Really, for the last eight months. That’s okay though. This too shall pass.
Sep 2019 · 354
UNINSPIRED
Lost Sep 2019
Under the blankets
Never shaking them off
In the depths of my mattress
Needing more than this
Stuck in my bed
Perpetually in a fog
Interested in nothing in particular
Remembering that there’s no point in trying
Every day when eventually I’ll just be
Dead
The name of these type of poems is totally escaping me right now, but the first letter of each line spells out “uninspired” when you put them together. Not really a good poem honestly, but it’s all I can offer right now. I feel so drained of creativity.
Aug 2019 · 254
“ARTIST”
Lost Aug 2019
I forget how to write
Sitting in my skin
Festering spoiled meat
Falls off the bone
When I move my hands
To pick up a pen
Before I reach it
My fingers are dust
Along with my thoughts
Floating in the air
Body and mind
Decomposing in time

I forget how to draw
Like repelling magnets
Ink jumps from the page
And into my eyes
Blinded I fumble
Stumbling I mumble
Something about art
About how it’s saved me
****** and confused
It avoids and evades me
This is a poem I wrote on 8/7 that I came back to and titled tonight. Still feeling this way about my art.
Aug 2019 · 343
SKIPPING MEDS
Lost Aug 2019
I threw up in the sink this morning
When brushing my teeth
I stayed in bed too late again
So I hope nobody sees
The chronic messy bedhead
And the stringy, flakey grease

Putting on old wrinkled clothes
With that ***** laundry stink
Sleeping on a bare mattress
Too lazy to put on sheets
Saying I’ll pick up later
But I’m always napping

Laying on a naked bed
Swaddled in familiar dread
Making no plans to change it
Because I’m sick of trying

I’ve never felt as committed to life
As I have to dying
I haven’t bothered to write lately
Because I’m tired of whining
Jul 2019 · 503
SHIT STINKS
Lost Jul 2019
I’m drowning in ****
Spewing from my own ***
I’m in a fountain of it
I’m the figurehead vomiting
Liquid feces

I’m not rude
I’m not crass
I’m telling the truth

And sometimes
Honesty ******* stinks
Especially when the reality is
That it’s your own ******* fault
Self-sabotage
Bleeding from the walls

I’m drowning in ****
Spewing from my own ***
How long?
How long until you catch
The stifling odor
The aroma of ****
Would you stick around
Would it be worth it?

Big ******* doubt
You’ll do a 180
And turn right the **** around
Running in the opposite direction
Because you found out
That I’m full
Of
****

Come
And
Sit
Next to me
I’m laying here
Festering
Soiled and soaked
Questioning
When somebody will come along
Without leaving
When my **** stinks
Too much
Sorry if the gross imagery is a little overkill lol. Just had to get this one out. Off all my meds right now and my mind is a messy place to be.
Jul 2019 · 630
PARAKEET POEMS
Lost Jul 2019
Words in a gilded cage
Scrawled in a page
My misery rings true
In the hearts of all
For we’ve all been blue

Every one of you
Had hear a siren song call
From within the depths
Of your chest
Each ballad bringing
The same sadness
As the rest

You can try your best
But words in a gilded cage
Sparkle with relatable appeal
Because the pain of heartbreak
Is achingly real

We all feel
In our hearts
Each throbbing bruise
Every black and blue mark
Smarting incessantly
Yet dulling with age

Let poetry guide you
To a less lonely place
To a wonderland of words
In a gilded cage
Found half of this poem over the weekend scribbled on a piece of scrap paper from work, and decided to finish it this evening. Hope it makes sense.
Jun 2019 · 204
HOPE(LESS)
Lost Jun 2019
Too numb to cry
Too afraid to die
Too lazy to live
Too poor to give
Too young to know
Too old grow
It may sound jaded
These words I write
But hope is overrated
And I can’t seem to fake it
Deep down you know I’m right
Listening to Chameleon World by Jerry Paper and writing. Trying to shake the bad vibes a movie I watched before bed gave me. I hope everybody is well, feeling loved, in good health, and taking time to indulge in creativity.

Always remember that this too shall pass.

Goodnight :)
Jun 2019 · 382
BLACK CURTAINS
Lost Jun 2019
My depression likes
Black curtains
So when I go to bed
Before the sun goes down
The light doesn’t
Make me think twice
About closing my eyes
And shutting out the day
Before it has a chance
To end on time
Jun 2019 · 282
THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY
Lost Jun 2019
Every time
I sit down to write
Lately what comes out
Doesn’t sound right

I write of love
The kind I strive
To have some day
In this life

But there is
Nothing romantic
And being lonely
Alone and frantic

Empty bed
Heart too full
I want to share
My aching soul

So ready to tell
Each part of my story
Rehearsed and scripted
In my poetry

I need a partner
To be with me
Spending my days
Accompanied

I need a body
To hold near
To call my own
And hold dear

I want to listen
About your day
And notice each
Lovable idiosyncrasy

Love me hard
And I’ll love you harder
My love is dynamic
Flowing like water

Feel it rushing
Into you
If I’m lucky
I’ll feel it too
Jun 2019 · 367
LOVER
Lost Jun 2019
Can you be my answer?
I’ve been asking in all the wrong places,
But you seem like somebody
I can make a home in.

I make my bed
In the center of your chest
And crawl under the sheets
With you surrounding me.

I look through the windows
Of your eyes.
I want to see from inside your head
The world and the light.
Jun 2019 · 173
BURIED
Lost Jun 2019
I look ahead
And try to see
The path laid out
In front of me

I don’t like what I find
I find the thought overwhelming
So I focus on the present
Hoping to find some relief

I know what needs to change
But I can’t put it in motion
I find myself exhausted
Contemplating the notion

I don’t want my hand held
I don’t need to be carried
I want to do it in my own
But that’s hard to do when you’re already buried
Jun 2019 · 1.0k
SKINNY
Lost Jun 2019
All hip bones and ribcage
Flat stomach wasn’t enough
It had to be concave

Mirrors and lights
Lined up just right
******* in
As hard as I can
Why can’t I
Just be thin?
Another poem from my sketchbook I didn’t initially post.
Jun 2019 · 848
SNAKES
Lost Jun 2019
Snakes blooming
From my open mouth
I try to bite down
But they force their way out

Coiled in my stomach
Slumbering in my core
I house reptilian parasites
And faint to the floor
Another poem found in my sketchbook that I didn’t initially post.
Jun 2019 · 423
TAKING IT SLOW
Lost Jun 2019
I want to skip ahead
Instead of letting time pass
To when I’m laying in your bed
In your arms at last

I can’t stand this waiting
To know each other better
Lay next to me breathing
And listen to each word, syllable, and letter

Absorb my life intently
Absolve me of my memory
And then I’ll take my turn patiently
To hear your story
This is a poem I wrote in my sketchbook that I didn’t initially post because I’m not a huge fan of it.
May 2019 · 250
NICOTINE
Lost May 2019
Slurping up a cigarette
Paper straw
******* in toxins
Carcinogens caressing
My esophagus
Gentle fingers of smoke
Tracing my throat

Sitting in my car
The smell of cigarettes
Clinging to my sweater
Nestling into my hair
Seeping into my skin
I sleep in blankets
That soak up that scent
And wake up breathing in bliss

Kiss me and taste
Smoke on my lips
Touch my tongue to yours
And your mouth will fill with ash
Yellowed cigarette filters
Take the place of my teeth
Spongy cylinders soaked
In sweet syrupy tobacco tar

If you are what you eat
Then I am what I breathe
Instead of oxygen purity
I am cigarette certainty
The sureness of toxicity
Sinks deep into my being
Soiled and stained
I am a cigarette burning
A fuse fizzling out
Watch me as I
Put myself out

Bottoms of my shoes
Blackened with ash
I step on the flame
And drag it across concrete
Flakes of tobacco
Tailing a streak of charcoal grey
Shooting stars on asphalt
In a pile of cigarette butts
I sleep and I lay
May 2019 · 339
LOVE?
Lost May 2019
******* strangers
Asking them to make it rough
To drown out the pain
Of never finding love
Convincing myself
That this is close enough
May 2019 · 151
LOST
Lost May 2019
Been blue for as far back
As my memory goes
Been looking for someplace better
From the beginning
From the start

Wandering in the fog

Just wanting
Just wishing
Just wondering
When I’ll finally
Be heading
Home
May 2019 · 186
GUESSING GAME
Lost May 2019
You call me baby
And hold my hand
Are you going through the motions
Or do you want this relationship to land?

Use your words
Tell me what you want
Don’t make me guess
Don’t make me wrong
May 2019 · 99
GREY
Lost May 2019
The feeling of charcoal
Plucked from a fire pit
Crumbling beneath fingers
I am stained

Forefinger and thumb
***** dark and grey
Anything I touch
Is smeared
Imprinted
Fingerprinted
Stamped, soiled,
And stuck
With soot

Faucet running
Hands breaking
A steady stream
I keep scrubbing
But the water
Won’t stop running
Black

Midas of soot
Maker of mar
Tired of seeing grey
I lay in a bed of ash
I’m sitting at a barbecue silently writing on my phone. I don’t anybody would talk to me anyway.
Lost May 2019
Nocturnal awakening
At 2am
Crawling
Down
The stairs

Slipping out the door
A whisper of a person
A shadow of a woman
Car keys clenched tight
In a bony fist

Racing
Racing
Racing thoughts
Each one too fast
To see it out
To the end
Incomplete sentence
Interrupted by my own
Brain

Down the front steps
Light scuffing of slippers
On concrete
Opening the driver door
And dropping into the seat
Half expecting
To fall straight through
Half hoping
To hit the floor
Colliding with the ground
A welcome impact
I need to be shaken
I need to be stirred
I need to reset
A cognitive correction

Keys in the ignition
Thinking of my neighbors
As I turn
Wondering if they’re awake
Listening to the sounds
Of me giving up
Giving in
To insomnia
Bitterly

Cigarette paper
Sticking to dry lips
Lighter under my thumb
Fire’s gentle kiss
Smoke plumes
Out the window
Into the cloudy
Night
Sky
May 2019 · 171
UNREQUITED
Lost May 2019
I know you’re not real
Because I can’t hold you

You have atoms and matter
That mean nothing to me

I’ve touched you before
And felt something tangible

But I know you’re not real
Because I can’t hold you

When I need you at night
Empty space fills my bed

I think of you often
Of my concrete recollections

Of skin colliding with skin
Of a firm hand around my willing throat

But I know you’re not real
Because I can’t hold you

And I know you don’t remember it
All the same

I see it in the messages
You never reply to

I feel it in your lies
That never really stopped hurting

So I know you’re not real
But I can’t stop making you out to be
Why do I let him hurt me?
May 2019 · 155
CYCLICAL
Lost May 2019
Lessons learned lessen with time
Time takes its toll on memories
And failures are forgotten until repeated

I feel like my mistakes mold my existence
Into rolling regret that snowballs it’s way
Down a steep and steady path

Watch me plummet perpetually
Falling forever
Down to my ****** destiny
May 2019 · 139
TO BE HEARD
Lost May 2019
I just want to be be heard
To show you all of the things
That I write
That I draw
That I listen to
When I’m alone

I have so many words inside me
With nowhere to go
Pressing hard up against
The walls of my body
Tiny flat palms
Pawing at my guts
Sifting through soggy meat
I feel it as a perpetual squirm
Wriggling deep inside me

If only you could climb inside me
And feel the vacancy I feel
Feel the chronic nothing of
L o n l i n e s s
Maybe then you’d understand
How much more I need from you

I don’t ask for much
But I’m starting to think I should
At least ask for a little more time
To talk
To sing
To read to you
All the words I write down
So they aren’t trapped on the page
Caged in between the lines
Condemned to never be
Acknowledged
May 2019 · 428
SPARK
Lost May 2019
Light me
And tend to me
My flames are weary coals
Stir my insides
Until something catches

Just a spark will do
Just a glimmer of energy
To light me up

Watch as I glow in the heat
Watch and stare
Right through me

I am a jack-o’-lantern
A smile carved into ripe skin
Tealight attempting to illuminate
My cavernous body
Scraped clean
Of guts and worth
Empty entity
Godless gourd

Gaslight dwindling in darkness
My path is unclear
Gasoline glow
Faintly wavering
In whipping wind

Lighter gears grinding
Under the pressure of
A still hand
I can’t seem to stop shaking
Long enough
To work mine

Light me please
Give my eyes
Something to reflect
Give my freezing fingers
The warmth of relief
Light me and see
If flames will animate
My dormant being
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