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1d · 24
THIS IS IT
Lost 1d
This is it
I am alive and
This is it

Nothing more
Than feeling tired
Nothing more

Getting out of bed
Is an endless chore
Getting out of bed
And nothing more

The world spins
Not caring about you
The world spins
Nothing is ever new

One more cigarette
Then I’ll do what I’m told
One more cigarette
Is getting old

All there is
Is the same **** ****
All there is
Is really worthless

This is it
Aimlessly drifting
Through each day
The world will spin without you
When you’re rotting in your grave
Same **** different day.
5d · 43
UNTITLED II
Lost 5d
Words won’t rhyme for me anymore
I’m stuck in perpetual prose
A world of flat intonation

My lines have no rhythm anymore
Jagged syllables collide, crash
Awkward edges jutting out

I used to feel art inside me
So much sometimes
I felt like bursting

Now I feel drained and empty
So dried up and worn out
I’m afraid if I get out of bed
I’ll crumble into ashes and dust
5d · 37
DEPRESSIVE
Lost 5d
Blank walls
A room empty with
Blank walls

No matter where I look
Nothing, nothing, nothing

White noise
Atmosphere buzzing with
White noise

No matter what I hear
Nothing, nothing, nothing
Unless I listen to music
It stirs something dormant inside
And it hurts my chest

So I have a choice
Live imprisoned
By oppressive boredom
Monotony
Tedium

Or seek pain

Which would you choose?
Apr 3 · 57
AT A PARTY
Lost Apr 3
I sit there
Not believing that each person
Can possibly be so shallow
Can have so little layers

That what they’re showing the room
Isn’t just a shoddy facade
So incompetently shielding the world
From the turbulence
Bubbling underneath

Each of them is at a simmer

Sizzling and crackling
Hissing out little bits
Of their true interiors
In small foggy clouds
That dissipate and are forgotten
Sometimes before they are even acknowledged
This is an old poem initially drafted while having a panic attack at a party. Enjoy.
Apr 2 · 159
THE SOUND OF SILENCE
Lost Apr 2
“Better off dead”
Floating around aimless
In the empty halls
Echoing off the raised ceiling
And bouncing off
Whitewashed walls

That’s what I hear
Late at night
When I wish I could disappear
Mar 23 · 65
USED
Lost Mar 23
I feel like a *******.
I feel like a *******.
I feel like I don’t deserve anything more
Than meaningless ***.

I feel starved:
- Of love
- Of touch
- Of nights sleeping next to a warm body

I’m
Just
Alone

Hugging
My
Pillow.

Goodnight,
Sorrow.
This is the song I was listening to when I wrote this: https://soundcloud.com/missmiscreant/adult-mom-i-make-boys-cry
Mar 23 · 118
W.T.
Lost Mar 23
I miss you so much

A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about you

I love you

I’m sorry

Sometimes it feels like you’re dead

Because there’s so much emptiness where you used to be

I lost a love when I said goodbye to you
I miss my best friend. I told him we needed to spend some time apart after we slept together (he cheated on his girlfriend with me) and I haven’t seen or really spoken to him for months. I’m beyond heartbroken. Every time I think I’m over it it just creeps up and pins me down as soon as I turn my back on it. I feel so much guilt on top of that and I feel like I deserve it. What we did was wrong and I can’t take it back, but I can’t take back how I feel either. I will always love him, but I know it’s not fair for me to see him. It hurts so bad to stay away. I’m so ashamed of this I don’t even tell my therapist of five years about it.

This is what I was listening to when I wrote this tonight: https://soundcloud.com/international-delight/radiator-hospital-your
Mar 20 · 102
HELPLESS
Lost Mar 20
Beating white-knuckled fists
Into the ground
A rising frustration in my throat
Makes tears fall down

“Helplessness is learned”
That’s what they tell me
But I feel like I am
Perpetually a baby

Nineteen years and counting
I’ve been stuck in this skin
And no more control over
The cacophony within

Sitting in front of textbooks
Staring at the same words
I’m on a long road to nowhere
“Helplessness is learned”

Bound like *******
Hanging in the air
Hands behind my back for so long
I forget they’re there

“Helplessness is learned”
It’s a lesson drilled in my brain
Growing up more each day
But an angry toddler all the same

Time ticking relentless
As years fly by
While I sit in a corner
Thinking about why

Eyes stinging red
An incessant burn
It all boils down to
“Helplessness is learned”
Committing to my recovery has been difficult. I have the same feelings and negative core beliefs, but I’m trying to act oppositely until they change. Maybe then I’ll feel like I have control.
Feb 19 · 65
LYRIC
Lost Feb 19
There’s a band in the center of my chest
There’s a wailing guitar solo wavering in wheezing lungs
The bass pedal kicks to start a stagnant heart
Chords of keys claim keening insides
There’s a song playing in my organs that keeps me up at night
Come hold me tight and pacify me of the perpetual plague
This persistent expression of pain playing in my chest
Vivisect my veins and see volumes of viscous music spill into the air
And then you’ll hear the howls I hear in the empty night
When I cry alone
Feb 17 · 81
PANIC ATTACK
Lost Feb 17
this moment suspended in time
observed closely
through the lens
of my perspective
becomes a thoughtful synopsis
an autobiographical excerpt
that encapsulates a bigger whole
This is an old poem from my notes that I just found and lightly reworked. Enjoy
Lost Feb 17
i type distantly
like the hands
that hold my phone
are alien appendages
attached to a body
from a different space
and a different time

but it is 1:13am now
and i am rooted here
in the physical world
my atoms buzzing and humming
dancing through the atmosphere
confined to this vessel
of meat and bones
that i have no choice
but to animate

i am here
condemning this physical form
to the four corners of my room
i switch between
writing to an operator
for a crisis text line
and spilling my insides
onto the lines i write here

this is how i spend my nights

it is 1:39am now
i canceled the text service
because i am tired
and i don’t find solace
in condescending
impersonal advice

believe it or not
i am a self-aware human being
and after six years
of making myself bleed
it actually has occurred to me
that i could find a hobby
or snap a rubber band
on my shaking wrists
and i have tried whatever unfulfilling
underwhelming trick
you have to offer

your intentions are always good
dear operators
but *******
your ignorance
is astoundingly
counterproductive

it is 1:56am
and i feel just as alone as before
but just a little more frustrated
and closer to sleep
than when I started
I found this while looking through my notes. It was written in May.
Feb 17 · 64
BUILDING BLOCKS
Lost Feb 17
I’ve got worries
Shaped like big blocks

I try to keep inventory
But when I stack them up

They grow so tall
Towering over me

I try to climb them
But the tower starts shaking
Before I even see the top

They come crashing down
On top of me

And I am buried alive
In anxiety

I dig my way out
And catch my breath

I feel so empty
So little energy left

Laying on the ground
I don’t want to try

I can’t even find
The will to cry

After a while
I have a new plan

Even if I don’t want to
I need to try again

I look at the worries
Scattered around

And I line them up
Along the ground

Making a list
Counting each out loud

It’s still so much
But at least now

I don’t have that dread
Hanging over my head

All spread out
In front of me

Instead of a stack
Towering

Sorting through
One at a time

I have much more control
Than during that climb

Each block
A manageable chunk

Each worry acknowledged
Lifting the funk

I’m still there
Sorting it out

But I think I’m starting
To figure things out
Found this while looking through my notes. It was written in September.
Feb 17 · 63
BEGINNING
Lost Feb 17
You are new
You make me new
All of your smiles
Melt into mine
Happiness shared
Blurring the lines
Between you and me

Bridging the gap
The space between us
That static air
Shocking life
Back into my
Stagnant veins

Electric eel
In my ocean body
Make me shiver
Put sparks inside
My bloodstream

You are new
A light illuminating
This cave where
I dwell

I’ve been enlightened
I see reflected
In your blue eyes
What I’ve missing
All this time

Something different
A  shifting view
A perspective
I never thought
I’d be lucky enough
To live from

All because of you
You are new
I found this while looking through my notes. I wrote it in September and I honestly forget who it was about. I guess new love doesn’t last.
Feb 13 · 57
INKLING
Lost Feb 13
Twinkling in and out of sight
The stars hanging in silent air
Holding my breath and waiting
For what I don’t know
Something impending
Something that binds my chest
Flat into my lungs
Crushing the breath out
And siphoning small gasps in

Twinkling in and out of sight
Lights dance around the corners of eyes
And tear ducts water inklings of
Something impending
Feb 13 · 72
BOULDER BRAIN
Lost Feb 13
Gaseous cavity
Filled with fog
My head feels light as air
But heavier than rocks
Like I have a boulder for a brain
In the weightless atmosphere
Of the endless cosmos
Feb 8 · 82
PERSISTENT
Lost Feb 8
I’ve checked in
For the first time
In my life

I expected that
Having a plan
Would make me feel
Like I’ve figured
Things out

But I’ll be ******
If I didn’t end up
Feeling the exact
Same way

I guess that when
You go to bed alone
The way you feel
Doesn’t really change
Feb 5 · 185
RESILIENT
Lost Feb 5
Old habits
Die hard
But killing me
Is harder
Jan 31 · 83
JUSTIN
Lost Jan 31
I’m not your fallback
I’m not your *******
I’m not your girl
And I never was

*******
**** your face
**** your soft gentle lips
**** everything we ever did

You hurt me
You hurt my heart
You hurt my self-worth
You should be ashamed

I’m not your *****
I’m nobody’s *****
Never again
Will I give my body so freely
To toxic people like you
You nasty ******* ****
Done with toxic *******. Done with being used. He can say he’s sorry all he wants, but sorrys won’t cut it this time, ******.
Jan 21 · 90
LETTER TO MY PAIN
Lost Jan 21
You have always been there
Right at my side
My only constant
My only rock
Was that you were there
You never stopped

You hurt me
But you’re familiar
I come back to you
Nightly

You bind my chest
You ignite the air
In my heaving lungs
Each evening I fall to rest
Sleep saps my being sweetly
And I meet you in my dreams

You hurt me
But I love you
You teach me
And I seek you

Without you
I am not a poet
Without you I cannot learn
My pain is suffocating
But it is worth the hurt
Jan 20 · 73
MESSY
Lost Jan 20
I like being wrapped in blankets
And hiding in small spaces
I think it makes me feel more secure

I trash my living spaces and fill them up
It’s like the presence of empty space
Represents the uncertainty in my life
So I eliminate any openness
To ensure that anxiety can’t hide
Behind furniture or under the bed

I occupy my space with a protective layer
Of garbage and disorganization

It’s not on purpose

I don’t like it

The clutter of my room or my car
Often reflects the clutter in my mind

I think I do it
So I can feel
Hidden and safe
Jan 20 · 103
I AM A VORTEX
Lost Jan 20
i am a vortex
a black hole
collapsing in

i am a balloon
filled with air
stretched thin
and stuffed full

i want to be nothing
to return all of the space and time
i have taken up

i want to be recycled
and scattered back into the cosmos
every particle and memory
Jan 16 · 105
SUSAN STREET
Lost Jan 16
I used to bike in circles
On long summer days
Waiting for someone
Or something to be my escape
From the walls of my double wide
Where every night I would hide

I punched a hole in my wall
That my mom covered with an inspiring quote
I took a pin it was hung with
And stabbed and ripped it all
To plaster over someone’s pain
Is a ******* ******* shame
Jan 16 · 286
DIARY
Lost Jan 16
I wrote a poem one day
That made my blood feel hot in my veins
So I tore at my skin like a scratch ticket
Until I won my liquid red prize
I smeared it on the page
And looked at what I did with tears in my eyes
I hid it for months but couldn’t stop being afraid
So I biked over to the neighborhood lake
And I threw the diary I bled in
As far as a could into the water
But my blood never stopped growing hotter

I clawed and gouged all of my limbs
Trying to bleed my way out of my skin
I didn’t know what I was doing
But I knew it must be hid
Because before the diary was thrown
I remembered that poem
I took the tip of the sharpest pencil
And tried to carve it
one letter a day
Into my arm
I started to keep my sleeves down
And fear set in
So I took that same pencil
And scratched it out of my skin

People started to notice then
And ask what happened to my arm
So I learned to make excuses
And better hide my self harm

Back then I was twelve
I read two to three books a day
But nothing and nobody I knew about
Made what I did make sense
I didn’t know why I did it
I just knew I had to
And now I hate to look back
It just makes me sad to

Innocent baby girl
Marring sweet young skin
It took seconds to do it
But years until the gravity set in
I still wouldn’t take it back
Despite all the countless scars
Because it all leads to the fact
That I am who I am now
Because of what I did then
Jan 9 · 571
BEDPAN BLUES
Lost Jan 9
Cigarette lungs
And poisoned guts
I have a rotten brain
Riddled with curdled spots

I ****** down fistfuls
Of pills from six separate bottles
I can’t nurture any self love
But I find loathing inside to cradle and coddle

Scarred skin
And rampant decay
I am an animated corpse
A macabre, dancing display

In the ICU for three days
Tachycardia and shakes
Jellied my legs into
Disobedient writhing snakes

Cobweb chest
And festering heart
I pucker and ooze
Sickly sour and ****

Hospital hallucinations
On the sink sat a friendly bird
It shifted from form to form
Singing beautiful songs no one else heard
I tried to **** myself by overdosing on various medications December 28th. I haven’t been able to write anything worthwhile since, but I still wanted to share something anyway since I’ve been away at the hospital for so long. It feels good to be out and to be making progress. I will keep writing until I can create something of value again. Thank you all for your unconditional support and patience. I appreciate this outlet endlessly.
Dec 2018 · 145
REGRESSION
Lost Dec 2018
I left the blood on my hands
And it dried from crimson to brown

I left the razor in a drawer
And it burned a hole to the ground

I left the same song on repeat
And it held my hand as I bled

I left the lessons I learned
Stuffed away in my cluttered head
And I made the same mistakes instead
Dec 2018 · 110
SELF PORTRAIT
Lost Dec 2018
I am a gum wrapper
Stepped on in the mall

I am a piece of taxidermy
Mimicking signs of life

I am a popped balloon
In a hot car

I am a lost and found box
Filled with all the things
People won’t bother
To come back for

I am a used bandaid in a public restroom

I am an incomplete deck of cards

I am a wax figure

I am a cigarette ****

I am roadkill
Dec 2018 · 445
BLUR
Lost Dec 2018
I forget which songs
I opened my skin to
Which sounds my body
offered its insides to
Staining my sheets
The color of roses
Red and sticky sweet

I can’t remember
Which songs my thighs
Burst open to
Like an overripe
Clementine
Juices welling under
The thinly veiled surface
Eager to spurt from fragile flesh

I forget which songs
I listened to when I
Separated skin with steel
Because I’ve done it so many times
They all blend together
Like the colors in a sunset
Soft and warm
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm.
Dec 2018 · 368
FRIED
Lost Dec 2018
Where did all
the light go?

Sizzled out
of sight—
the sunshine
left me alone tonight.
Dec 2018 · 67
RECURRING DREAM
Lost Dec 2018
I want to die

Every day
The thought
Haunts my mind

I let it sit there
And mull about
In my dusty brains
Carving the number of days
Into the walls of my cranium

Rocking me gently
The idea of suicide
Swaddles me in fresh
Warm blankets
Lulling me
Soothing my cries

I’m under a spell
I’m hypnotized
By death
Swinging a pocket watch
Back and forth
Past my glazed eyes
I wrote this a couple weeks ago while I was in the middle of some medication changes that ended up making me really suicidal. I just needed time to adjust, and I’m feeling much better now.
Dec 2018 · 245
BODY COUNT
Lost Dec 2018
1.
He asked me,
“Are you ashamed of your body?”
And I said yes.

He told me,
“Well, you shouldn’t be.”
And I absently nodded my head.

2.
I’ve written about you before
But it won’t stop me from doing it again

Because when I think you at night
I think of your eyelashes
Thick and long
I feel them fluttering
On my cheeks

3.
You were a thrill,
But you weren’t cheap.

4.
Poetry
We both liked poetry
And I felt hope
Twinkling in my chest

But that spark
Was soon extinguished

The more I knew him
I wanted him less

5.
It was the first time
Somebody wrapped their hands
Around my throat
And I found
That I couldn’t stop smiling

I didn’t stay the night
But I woke up to bite marks
Inside my thighs
The next morning

6.
Thirty-two years old
Fourteen years my senior

In his mother’s basement
I laid awake all night
Waiting for morning’s light
To leave him

7.
I miss you
And I’m sorry things went down
The way they did

Let’s just be friends again
And make each other laugh
Doing goofy improv bits

8.
Minty gum
Tucked in your cheek
Tickling my tastebuds
When our tongues meet

9.
I drove over an hour
It didn’t matter to me

Twice my age exactly
But I didn’t mind

Because I got to send
The best text I’ve ever sent
In recent memory

“Hey ladies,
I just got fingerblasted
Into the next century
By a thirty-six year old
With cerebral palsy”

10.
We went to school together
And your sister was in my grade
I always thought you were cute
But I had never known your name

11.
I love you
You’re my best friend
What we did was wrong
And as much as I want you
I knew it had to end
This is a record of everybody I’ve ever had *** with accompanied by a short poem about each experience.

Enjoy
Dec 2018 · 967
SAD SONGS
Lost Dec 2018
Curled up
As small as
I can

Listening to
The same song
over and over

I close
My eyes
And imagine
Sound waves

I am
Surrounded by
Black black black

And the waves
Mold to my body
Like a blanket
Of noise
And lift
Me up

I’m floating
In the black
The blanket
Heavy and
Draped around
My being

It’s smothering me
but I’m not scared

I let go
And light spirals
Out of my mouth
And eyes
And chest

It pours colors
Streaming like
A light show
In a waterfall

And my lungs
compress into two
Deflated balloons
Their color
****** away
And drifting
Into the
Black
Emptiness doesn’t feel like nothing. It feels like somebody put a vacuum sealer to your mouth and shrank your lungs into tiny wrinkled meat raisins.
Dec 2018 · 65
WILL
Lost Dec 2018
“Do you wanna mess around?”
He asked me three times
I said no the first two
We collided on the third

So bittersweet
I’ve wanted you
For so long
But not like this

Not drunk
On a Friday night
Not while you
We’re still dating her

I am selfish
I took what wasn’t mine

I know you don’t feel
How I feel
Because I love you
And you don’t love me
The same

Fruitless ****
Nothing to come
Of us
Other than hurt
And pain

I should’ve said no
Well. I just ****** my best friend in the whole world. I’m a ****** person.
Dec 2018 · 87
ORANGE BOTTLES
Lost Dec 2018
Popping prescriptions
Every morning I open my eyes
And see that I’m still here
Hoping something will change
With each tablet and capsule
Swallowed down into my guts
Swimming around in stomach acid
Dissolving into my bloodstream
Trying to slap a bandaid
On my broken biology
Dec 2018 · 90
A MEMORY
Lost Dec 2018
Five years old
Laying in the grass
In my backyard
Observing the blueness of the sky
Feeling like things would be okay
If somehow I died
Dec 2018 · 97
MUTINY
Lost Dec 2018
I thought I’d be dead by now,
But my organs are rebellious—
They thrive and throb and thrash around.
Even if I hold my breath until I pass out,
My lungs will eventually force air in
Through my gasping mouth.
Dec 2018 · 100
TRAPPED
Lost Dec 2018
Inside my head
Is my cluttered childhood bedroom
Clothes swallowing the bubbled, water damaged floor
Mold creeping down the walls
Dripping from the ceiling

If I try to open the door
The moment I touch the ****
The lights turn off
And the door vanishes
There’s no way out
I cannot leave

Inside my head
I’m sitting on my childhood bed
My knees tucked up to my chest
Hoping if I can curl up small enough
I might be able to shrink into nothing
And just ******* disappear

If my eyes look vacant
It’s because I’m not there
I’m stuck in that tiny room
Rocking back and forth
Banging my fists against the walls
Until I’m resigned and sore
The first stanza when I describe my room isn’t an exaggeration. I spent my formative childhood years living in a mobile home. When it rained water would leak into my room and stain my walls with water damage and soak my bed. The floors really did bubble up with mold.

That was when I first started to feel trapped and it still hasn’t gone away. I might as well still be stuck there.
Dec 2018 · 52
HOURGLASS
Lost Dec 2018
I feel like if I’m going to **** myself
I’m running out of time to

If I don’t do it now I’ll be stuck
Stuck working
Stuck caring
Stuck fighting

I won’t have the option
If I’m committed to life

But right now I have the choice
I can make it stop
Stop hurting
Stop hurting


Stop

*******

Hurting


But I know I won’t

I never finish anything I start
Can’t remember the last time I had the drive to see something through to the end. I guess it’s no different with this matter.
Dec 2018 · 45
18
Lost Dec 2018
18
I want to die
Every day
Of my life
But every time
I get close
Every time
I starve myself
Until I drop
To the ground
Buzzing tingles
In my fingers and toes
Every time
I stay up
All night
For days
On end
Every time
I drive somewhere
Private enough
To die alone
And still be found
Before my body
Gets gross
Every time
I take enough Adderall
To make my heart
Beat so hard
Against my chest
That it hurts
To breathe
I get too scared
To pull the trigger
And down the pills
And tie the noose
And slash my wrists
I’m so afraid to die
But I’ve wished for it
My whole life
I don’t have a place
Where I belong alive
But I think for sure
That there’s no afterlife
Where I’ll belong either
I’ll just be a number
In a study
If I ever work up the guts
To just ******* end it all
Maybe that’s
My place
Dec 2018 · 167
ACHE
Lost Dec 2018
Cherry pit
That I bit
I am a cracked
And achy tooth
Lost Dec 2018
This is a LIGHT ORANGE,
ROUND-shaped TABLET
Imprinted with U30 on the front

This is a HEADACHE
When the LIGHTS are too BRIGHT
For your dilated PUPILS

This is an EMPTY STOMACH
Growling and ignored
Shrinking and shriveling
Under the pressure of a medicated FIST
Squeezing it TIGHT

This is a clenched JAW
Crushing TEETH into jagged SHARDS
TENSION worming its way
Through every FIBER and SINEW

This is a METICULOUS AGENDA
Planning every PRECIOUS MINUTE
Waiting anxiously to fix
Everything that hasn’t gone WRONG yet
But possibly will
It is a RELENTLESS VIGIL
Standing in FRONT of a CLOCK
Counting down the seconds
Until it all comes crashing DOWN

This is AMPHETAMINE SALTS
Common brand(s): Adderall
Lost Dec 2018
This is a WHITE, GREEN
OBLONG-shaped CAPSULE
Imprinted with FL on one
Side and 3 on the other

This is a CHAIN LINK fence
Built around the BLACK HOLE
In the CENTER of my CHEST
topped with BARBED WIRE
Keeping it contained
In my CORE

This is an ORANGE jumpsuit
Dressing up my insides
Keeping everything in LINE
Holding back the VIOLENT ones
From acting out and making
Me bleed

This is a STRAIGHT JACKET
Wrapped snugly around
My DISOBEDIENT HEART
Hugging it tightly enough
To prevent it from lashing out
But still allowing it pump
My BLOOD on beat

This is VRAYLAR (cariprazine) CAPSULES
This is the first of a collection of poems I’m working on. I’m going to do one for each medication I take.
Dec 2018 · 854
SCARRED
Lost Dec 2018
my body is scarred
thick pink and white
bumpy raised tissue
tiptoes in lines
along my hip
and through my thigh

I am marked
my patchwork skin
has cigarette hickeys
where I pressed the cherry in
I’ve been kissed by fire
long, slow, and passionate

these marks of residual pain
are proof that I’ve lived
I wear my heart on my sleeve
and my hurt on my skin
Nov 2018 · 258
BLIND
Lost Nov 2018
Looking around me trying to see
What I can do to succeed
But all I find is a dark void
And all I hear are the sounds of flies
A buzzing, irritating white noise
I guess it all looks the same beneath shut eyes
Nov 2018 · 893
SIX YEARS
Lost Nov 2018
Months ago
A razor blade
Danced

It sashayed
It shimmied
Through my meat

I opened my skin
Ripped like
A broken zipper

I melted it away
With cigarettes
And matches

I crushed it
Into a brick wall
With my fist

And slept like
A baby
Each night
I did it

Now I lie restless
Eyes wide open
Skin sewn shut

Six years later
Resisting is still
Never enough
CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of self harm.

I haven’t hurt myself in months, but it’s always on my mind. I won’t give up. I’m going to push through this struggle.
Nov 2018 · 37
BREAKUP
Lost Nov 2018
I fell out of love with living.
I can’t remember what loving her felt like.
“We have good times,” I tell myself,
“times I’m grateful for her
and times I hold her tight.”
But mostly we’re distant.
We disagree on a lot.
She wants me to eat
and to keep my blood in my veins.
I love you dear,
but this body is mine to ruin
not yours to save.
I feel this way strongly some days, but won’t ever give in to it. I will try my best to be thankful for each day I am lucky enough to live and learn to love life at my own pace.
Nov 2018 · 252
FRACTURED
Lost Nov 2018
I am a broken bone
Sitting in an old cast

It’s been years
But it never healed up

Jagged edges
Grind together
Underneath
This plaster wrap

I wonder when
Things will line up
Nov 2018 · 405
A TANGENTIAL REFLECTION
Lost Nov 2018
I can’t remember the last time
I felt like I had a home

I hide in my room
And that is my house

I stow myself away
Like stashed contraband

I am not meant
To see the light of day

I am a ***** secret
I am the black sheep

Even my own mother
Doesn’t have faith in me

I’ve heard it directly
Straight from her mouth

I see it intangibly
In her furrowed brow

I don’t have a place
Where I feel familiar

I stand on the outside
Of every circle

I used to wonder
What I was doing wrong

But I think that I know
That it’s just who I am

I am not meant
To have a place

I own nothing of worth
I have no land

I sabotage my life
I throw away my efforts

For the chance to lay in bed
For a couple more hours

I am an observer
Watching the race

I see people running
Fast and hard

Toward the life they want
And the happiness they deserve

But I’m on the bleachers
Sitting and wasting

All of my energy
All of my time

I don’t do much work
But I still whine

“I have no money”
“I have no job”

But there’s nobody to blame
Except myself
Everything
Boils down
To being
My fault

But I don’t want pity
Especially not from myself

So I trade it in for self-loathing
And devalue my health

I don’t eat some days
But some days I binge

Some days I puke
But others I hold it in

“Do you want to change?”
Even my therapist knows

That I’ve settled for misery
That I’m destined for woe

I shut my eyes
And live in the dark

Because when I open them
All I see

Is the mess I made
That binds and traps me

I give up
It’s just what I do

It’s the only thing I’m good at
Causing this distress
I put myself through

I hold myself responsible
I don’t point the finger of blame

Except in the mirror
This is a personal shame
Definitely not a good poem. Very whiny. I refuse to settle for a ****** existence, but I do feel like this a lot. It’s just negative thoughts and self-doubt. I’m learning to ignore it, but they’re very persistent. I know it will get better with time and practice.
Nov 2018 · 52
CAVERNOUS
Lost Nov 2018
Empty stomach
Eating away
Head full of rocks
Weighted but floating

I want to dissipate
I want to be dust
Twinkling and hanging
Collecting in the corners

So all I eat
Is air and light
I fill my insides
With enough emptiness
To bloat all my guts
Until they swell and grow
And burst wide open
Displaying the musty cavern
Incubating in my intestines

Stalactite sorrow
Dripping from the ceiling
Stalagmite sadness
Rising and piercing
Growing through my feet
Rooting me to the ground
I am so lost
And I’ll never be found
Oct 2018 · 320
BLEEDING HEART
Lost Oct 2018
I ripped my
Heart out
So I could
Stop feeling
But it never
Stopped beating

Now I have
A heart in
My hands
And a hole
In my chest
And a great
Deal of hurt
All throughout
Oct 2018 · 84
TIME BOMB
Lost Oct 2018
Do me a favor
And either forget
About me and let
Me go so I don’t
Suffer anymore
Or punch me in
The ******* mouth
And help me
Actualize the
Intangible pain
Inside. Either
Let me hurt
Or let me die
Because I’ve
Given up on
Anything in
Between.
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