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Lost 1d
There’s a band in the center of my chest
There’s a wailing guitar solo wavering in wheezing lungs
The bass pedal kicks to start a stagnant heart
Chords of keys claim keening insides
There’s a song playing in my organs that keeps me up at night
Come hold me tight and pacify me of the perpetual plague
This persistent expression of pain playing in my chest
Vivisect my veins and see volumes of viscous music spill into the air
And then you’ll hear the howls I hear in the empty night
When I cry alone
Lost 2d
this moment suspended in time
observed closely
through the lens
of my perspective
becomes a thoughtful synopsis
an autobiographical excerpt
that encapsulates a bigger whole
This is an old poem from my notes that I just found and lightly reworked. Enjoy
Lost 2d
i type distantly
like the hands
that hold my phone
are alien appendages
attached to a body
from a different space
and a different time

but it is 1:13am now
and i am rooted here
in the physical world
my atoms buzzing and humming
dancing through the atmosphere
confined to this vessel
of meat and bones
that i have no choice
but to animate

i am here
condemning this physical form
to the four corners of my room
i switch between
writing to an operator
for a crisis text line
and spilling my insides
onto the lines i write here

this is how i spend my nights

it is 1:39am now
i canceled the text service
because i am tired
and i don’t find solace
in condescending
impersonal advice

believe it or not
i am a self-aware human being
and after six years
of making myself bleed
it actually has occurred to me
that i could find a hobby
or snap a rubber band
on my shaking wrists
and i have tried whatever unfulfilling
underwhelming trick
you have to offer

your intentions are always good
dear operators
but *******
your ignorance
is astoundingly
counterproductive

it is 1:56am
and i feel just as alone as before
but just a little more frustrated
and closer to sleep
than when I started
I found this while looking through my notes. It was written in May.
Lost 2d
I’ve got worries
Shaped like big blocks

I try to keep inventory
But when I stack them up

They grow so tall
Towering over me

I try to climb them
But the tower starts shaking
Before I even see the top

They come crashing down
On top of me

And I am buried alive
In anxiety

I dig my way out
And catch my breath

I feel so empty
So little energy left

Laying on the ground
I don’t want to try

I can’t even find
The will to cry

After a while
I have a new plan

Even if I don’t want to
I need to try again

I look at the worries
Scattered around

And I line them up
Along the ground

Making a list
Counting each out loud

It’s still so much
But at least now

I don’t have that dread
Hanging over my head

All spread out
In front of me

Instead of a stack
Towering

Sorting through
One at a time

I have much more control
Than during that climb

Each block
A manageable chunk

Each worry acknowledged
Lifting the funk

I’m still there
Sorting it out

But I think I’m starting
To figure things out
Found this while looking through my notes. It was written in September.
Lost 2d
You are new
You make me new
All of your smiles
Melt into mine
Happiness shared
Blurring the lines
Between you and me

Bridging the gap
The space between us
That static air
Shocking life
Back into my
Stagnant veins

Electric eel
In my ocean body
Make me shiver
Put sparks inside
My bloodstream

You are new
A light illuminating
This cave where
I dwell

I’ve been enlightened
I see reflected
In your blue eyes
What I’ve missing
All this time

Something different
A  shifting view
A perspective
I never thought
I’d be lucky enough
To live from

All because of you
You are new
I found this while looking through my notes. I wrote it in September and I honestly forget who it was about. I guess new love doesn’t last.
Lost 7d
Twinkling in and out of sight
The stars hanging in silent air
Holding my breath and waiting
For what I don’t know
Something impending
Something that binds my chest
Flat into my lungs
Crushing the breath out
And siphoning small gasps in

Twinkling in and out of sight
Lights dance around the corners eyes
And tear ducts water inklings of
Something impending
Lost 7d
Gaseous cavity
Filled with fog
My head feels light as air
But heavier than rocks
Like I have a boulder for a brain
In the weightless atmosphere
Of the endless cosmos
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