it's magical, really, how you can meet someone new
and, without expecting it, they become so important.
i wasn't even aware of how much more love i had to give until i met you.
but that's what you do to me.
you are constantly opening my eyes to all that is new and beautiful.
with your gentle, yet energetic heart, you fire electricity through my veins
and you paint my world with such stunning colors.
life is better, music is richer, chocolate is sweeter, my soul is at ease.

You exude such a brilliant light.
I want to bask in your glow because
you've illuminated my soul and made me so beautiful.
Flowers grow from my skin
where you kiss me;
my name becomes poetry
when you whisper it into my mouth.
On those days that leave me feeling deflated,
I know that my lungs will soon swell
when I inhale all that is your intoxicating magic.
I'm running to the edge of what I know
and I am exhilarated because
I can feel my feet hit the ground
with every beat of your heart.

We sang the same words to each other,
but I knew they meant different things.
As you tried to make me understand,
I just wanted you to fall back in love.
Just fall back in love with me.

you fought for me as if tomorrow had already been promised

Maybe I feel hollow
because I left so much of me
in the things I thought I loved,
in you.
And I don't know how to fill these empty spaces
because where light and warmth once occupied
the parts of me that needed you,
now feel dark and lonely
and incomplete.

Whatever song it is that you need
reflects what you hide and you feel and you keep.
I hear it and I feel it when I hum along
to that melody, that tune, that tantalizing song.
I hold it close and keep it hidden away
because his lyrics are the words I am too afraid to say.
No matter what I say or do,
I will always be some kind of in love with you.

This idea of a twisted, passionate, black and blue love story
is not romantic.
You were a broken toy and I thought I would know how to handle it.
Like if I could be the one to patch you back up again,
everything would fall into place.
But I lost the instructions
and there were pieces missing that I couldn't find
and too many jagged edges.
I couldn't let myself be torn apart anymore in an attempt to keep you whole.

I thought I could trust in you enough to reach for you as I was drowning.
I was foolish to think you were my life raft
when you were the undercurrent that kept pulling me down.
Farther and farther out I went
into this open sea of vulnerability and naivety.
I was hopelessly engulfed in this idea of who I wanted you to be.
I romanticized you and every word that spilled from your mouth.
So much that your lies were salt water in my open wounds
and I let myself believe they were the stitches.

"I've finally found that life goes on without you
and my world still turns when you're not around."*
It has been 7 days without your presence.
In these
168 hours,
10,080 minutes,
604,800 seconds,
I have learned how to define myself without you around.
I have come to find that I can enjoy my days
without needing you to fill my skies with sunshine  
and
I can be proud of myself
without feeling that I need your permission.
I use to believe that no one could hold a candle to you,
but I have realized that your flame was just too big.
You shined so bright, my dear,
and you took up my whole entire world.
I was so blinded before,
but the wind has come
and that candle is no longer lit
and I have found myself in the darkness.

"Funny how it's hard to take a love with no sting."*
I have accepted that I am in this for the long run.
You are in the songs I hear,
in the morning coffee that I drink,
in the words on the pages that I read,
in the faces of those I have come to know and love,
and you will always hold a special place in my heart.
I could write until my fingers bleed
if I wrote down all the things that you mean to me.
But, for now, I must forget these things.
I am human
and for now I want to cry
and scream
and let myself be broken
and hurt.
The tears will run down my cheeks for however long they need to,
but do not be sad for me
because they will water the flowers in my heart.
These flowers will sprout in my spine
and throughout all of my limbs
and I will, once again, smile
and be whole again.
And through all of this, I will still love you.

This one is for you, Katie.
I do not care, my dear, where you are or if it is 2 am,
if you ever need me, I am but a phone call away.
If you ache and hurt, I will bring the Bandaids
to heal your wounded heart.
I will soak up your tears with optimism and encouragement.
If, for some reason, you cannot see your beauty,
I will be there to hold the mirror and remind you.
If you feel you are losing your spark,
I will be there holding a match to light it again.
When darkness seems to take over your mind,
I will come running with a flashlight.
You will never have to walk alone.
I will always stand with you,
hold your hand,
hug you on your worst days,
jump around with you on your best,
and always be the little voice in your head,
reminding you that you are like the sun.
Even when the world below you looks dark
and scary,
you possess a certain light that will always be there to lift you up.

*32 days

I fear that while you are the ocean to me,
to you,
I am merely a wave.

With my pen firmly pressed
against the blank sheet of paper,
I bleed out my words.
I paint the sheet with
honest tears,
optimistic love,
and unquestionable affection.
Eventually this letter,
filled with words 3 years deep,
will reach you.
And I will look at you, and,
with my embarrassing bravery,
and shakey hands,
I will place the letter in your hands,
and take a deep,
deep,
breath.

I long to be the taste in your mouth
as you drink your morning coffee.
I want to be in the lyrics of your favorite song.
When you want to be alone,
I want to be your getaway.
And when you're lying on your back at 2 am,
I want to be the secrets that
fill your walls.

No combination
of those 26 letters
can accurately describe how I feel when I look at you.
This feeling is
the tingling in my knees,
the warmth in my cheeks,
the sweat on my palms,
and the pounding in my chest.
Trying to describe my feelings towards your beauty
is like saying the ocean is blue.
I see so much when I look out onto those waters
and I see so much when I look at you.

Do I love you
or the idea of you?
Do I need you
or am I just lonely?

From the time I was a little girl,
they warned me about
drugs and addiction,
but they forgot to warn me about one specific drug.
The drug that courses through my veins,
***** with my mentality,
seizes my life,
and leaves me feeling momentarily
fulfilled,
and undeniably
empty.
The drug that is your smile,
your touch,
you as a whole,
as a human being that is transformed into this chemical
that I inject into my bloodstream.
They should have warned me about that drug.
That addiction.

There are some loves
that are so powerful and
they support each other
by being apart.
Like the sun and the moon,
they will never collide
because they are too busy
letting the other one shine.

Within my heart
you planted a garden.
Each compliment left a daisy.
Each kiss, a rose.
But then you forgot
to water the garden.
You left
and left it all to die.