I still remember how your hands felt around my wrists. I felt every single settle squeeze as you kissed my neck. I hated it. I hated every single disgusting second of it. You didn't do anything wrong, you were just the unfortunate boy that couldn't have my heart or purity.
I still remember the music. I only knew you for two weeks. You were much older. You looked at me like I was the meat beneath your teeth and absolutely everything about that made me cringe. I know it was all malice. Nothing but malice. As soon as you took off your shirt I lost my breath. As soon as you bit my collarbones I cried out. No. I don't want it. No I didn't want it. You whispered sweet I love you's in my ear. I don't know how you could love me without knowing my last name or the way my eyes looked sober. I have never gotten dressed so fast. I have never ran so fast. I have never screamed so loud.
I heard him in you two. I boiled off my skin like that would make it go away. Like that disgust would go away.
I saw her in your eyes. I heard "let's play a game" in my head.
Echoes. So many ******* echoes. Now all that remains are the voices in my head.

She had skeletons tucked away in her closet so maybe that's why she grabbed onto the nearest spine. Maybe her step father made her shake until she fell and that's why she held my hand. Maybe he said "let's play a game", so she passed it down to me.
The way the sheets fluttered around my throat has left rings around my neck that I still stroke when I see my reflection. The way her laughter echoes in my ear has only made mine louder just to mellow it out.
I hear them in everyone. It's a set of ghosts that just won't leave my walls. They claw at my spine. They rip at my veins.
People wonder why I don't sleep, I don't sleep because they each scream in a different ear. One screams "you're worthless" and one screams "I'm almost done"
But they're never done. They never leave. They scratch and they bite and they moan and they cry.
So when will I stop crying? When will I stop blaming myself? When will I stop cutting my wrists to make them go away? Right now I'm thinking they are forever with me. The ghost in my walls. The reasons I rattle.

I WASN'T THE ONE WHO CHANGED
I WASN'T THE ONE WHO BECAME AN ADDICT
I WASN'T THE ONE WHO TALKED DIFFERENT, WALKED DIFFERENT, LOOKED DIFFERENT, FELT DIFFERENT
I WASN'T THE ONE WHO ****** THIS RELATIONSHIP SO HARD THAT IT BROKE INTO A THOUSAND PIECES
BUT I HOPE WHEN YOU'RE WALKING ALL OVER IT YOUR FEET GET TORN TO SHREDS
I WASN'T THE ONE WHO ****** WITH MY MIND SO BADLY IT MELTED INTO A COLD BLACK MESS
BUT I HOPE WHEN YOU TALK **** ABOUT HOW MENTALLY ****** UP I WAS THAT YOU BREATHE IN COLD AIR WITH EVERY WORD
I WASN'T THE ONE ****** UP MY EMOTIONS SO THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS
BUT I HOPE WHEN YOU SEE JUST THAT EMITTING FROM MY BODY, EVERY PART OF YOU DIES INSIDE
I KNOW I'M A MESS RIGHT NOW AND YOU THINK I'LL COME BEGGING ON MY HANDS AND KNEES FOR YOUR LOVE AGAIN
BUT I HOPE WHEN YOU SEE THAT I CAN SMILE
WHEN YOU SEE THAT I CAN LAUGH
WHEN YOU SEE THAT I NOW SPARKLE BECAUSE I AM HAPPY
WHEN YOU SEE THAT I AM OKAY
I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ******* LEFT AND I AM GOING RIGHT

I used to think when you kissed me, you were healing me. I now realize that you were just filling my throat with poison. I now realize that with every touch from your ever so soft finger tips, you were tearing my skin away from me. You were bruising my body like it was nothing but the head of a nail and you were the hammer. You were making my brain melt inside my mind because your words were so harsh, yet so gentle how could I not love you. How did I not see that your eyes, your beautiful, radiant, green eyes, were nothing but black holes that ****** every part of reality from my mind. I was manipulated. I was hurt. I was dying because when you left, you took every ounce of hope and happiness that I had left. You are a thief. You are a liar. I am alive. I don't know how I did it, but I pulled through, and I am so much stronger now. I see the beauty in everyone that I thought you took away from me. I can smile and laugh now, the qualities I have that I thought you stole in my sleep. I am happy. The one thing I never thought I'd be and you are suffering. I wish you good luck through this mess you've put yourself in, because I cleaned mine up, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I will forever have the marks of your finger tips from when you held me that night I cried so hard my eyes burned, just like how I will forever have the marks on my wrists and thighs from when I tried to make myself feel something that night you left.
I will forever have the taste of your lips from when you kissed me so hard that night I told you I needed you, just like how I will forever have the taste of ***** in my mouth from when I panicked so badly that night you told me we were over.
I will forever have the imprint of your eyes from when you looked at me for so long that night I couldn't sleep, just like how I will forever have the imprint of my mother crying from when she found me half dead that night you told me you didn't love me.
I will never feel happiness. I will never see beauty. I will never get rid of these memories. You will forever be branded into my dreams, and I will have nothing but nightmares.
I will always feel nothing. I will always see the ugly in everything. I will never get rid of the thoughts at night of death and how easy he is.
I am broken. I am bruised. I am empty, and I am cold. I will never feel warmth. I will never feel or see anything I did when I was with you. You are gone, and you took every part of me when you left. I no longer feel my heart beat. I often find myself holding my breath, and I never realize until I'm choking on the words I can never say to you because you won't let me. I am dead. I am nothing but a lifeless skeleton covered in the skin you held ever so gently. I will never forget the way your hands felt when you would rub my back on stressful days. I will never forget the way your voice would crack when you tried to sing to me on nights I wouldn't sleep. I will never forget the way you undressed me when you wanted to feel me. All I ever wanted was to feel you. How soft and kind your skin felt against mine. But I can never feel that again, and now all I want is to feel the comfort of death carrying me away to a world I've only ever seen in my dreams. All I want is to forget everything you burned into me. You are the blood that rushes in my veins and I think that's why I cut myself. To release you. But it never seems to work because you are always there. You will always be there.

To finally be intertwined with the one on your mind is so bliss. Your hands fit oh so well on my curves but I bet they feel even better just a tad lower. My mind has never raced so fast at such a settle heartbeat. Every settle pulse vibrates through my body and I just can't bring myself any closer to you. Baby fill me past my line because I can't do it for myself. I can't do much for myself in the first place. Tuck my hair away. Leave those chills down my spine with every blow, kiss, and bite. Tell me you love me even if you don't know if I can return that. Keep the smoke filling in my lungs so you aren't the only one making me this numb. Hand me a drink so I can fall into you with every piece of me I have left. Grace me with your touch because I've been craving nothing less than that for months. I just want to feel you. Put your hands in my hair before we fall asleep because in the morning I need a tug so I can stay there because I've been so used to running I just need to hold on.

Stuck in the past like every single person who enters will be just like him. I wonder why I'm so forgiving but I swear I don't wonder about my trust issues. I have every right to not believe an "I love you" when it approches me. I laugh at apologies. I swear at the world. Because. Why. The. ****. Not. I'm broken but you aren't allowed to call me that. I'm drowning but you aren't allowed to save me. Tie bricks to my ankles baby I like it. Scream in my ear baby I ******* like it. Hold me down I like it.
Let me scream.
Let me drown.
Let me break.
Let me fall.
I'm stuck in the past by everyone who has come in my life but all I see is you.

I always used to wonder why you were so cold. I wondered why you never left your room and why you could never be seen. I remember the night I listened into your room and you spoke so lightly. It had been months since I heard your voice so clear. You said "take me I'm ready"
I asked God why he made you so sad. I asked God why he let this man do this to me. I asked God why you held that rope so tightly.
I remember the first time I ever cut my wrists, it was crimson and bliss. I asked God why he let me do it. I asked God why he let you do it.
I remember watching you pop them like tic tacs. I watched how fast you could clean the house. How fast you moved, talked, and how loud you screamed.
I asked God why you didn't want me. A man answered back with a hand. I asked God why I deserved that. I asked him to not let you go.
I remember when I sat outside your door asking for a hair dryer.  I knocked for 10 minutes. When you finally came out I saw the look on your face. I asked God why you wanted to die. I asked God why I did too.
I remember when you got taken away and I eventually stopped asking God such things.

It wasn't always like this. I wasn't always like this. I was happy. But it's been so long since I felt the warmth of that feeling, I no longer allow it for myself. I'm so use to the cold empty feeling of sadness that I don't need jackets. I don't need scarfs or sweaters or blankets or the touch of another human being because I've made peace with this monster. This disease. This virus that stomps around in my head and flows through my veins and fills my lungs. This thing is now a friend and I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's never leaving. It has built a home inside me and refuses to leave. It grows every time I try to smile or laugh. It pushes the happiness out of me like that is the real disease. I don't know how to stop it from talking to me. During the day it whispers to me. During the night it screams. It screams so loud it's voice echoes and multiplies. It tells me stories of death and how beautiful he is. How soft and caring he is. How painless he is. How gentle he is. It tells me how death enters quietly so not to wake you in your sleep. How death slowly approaches you and softly caresses your hair out of your face. How death, with every touch, slowly strips every piece of life out of you. How death takes your hand and pulls the soul out of your dying, decaying, lifeless body. How death lovingly and carefully kisses your now ghostly lips and tells you everything is going to be okay. But I've always wondered, if death were to visit me, would he shiver when he touched me because I've been so cold for so long. Wouldn't that be something. If I could make death, the iciest thing you can imagine, feel cold for the first time. I wonder if he would weep when he saw everything in my mind. Wouldn't that be something. If I could make death cry. Would he feel remorse. Would he try and fix me rather than **** me. I dream of life after death. I think of how warm I'd feel. How soft the grass would be under my feet. How my jaw would ache from finally being able to smile. How my eyes would be blinded from finally seeing beauty. Wouldn't it be something if this sadness introduced me to death and finally gave me a life I have never lived.