My heart got excited
Then got let down
Decided not again
Until you came around.

My heart got excited
Then got let down
Never again, not this time around.

The sun rose and peeked through my window forcing my eyes open for the day
The dream interrupted, another of you, replays like a movie scene
I force myself up and feel the carpet under my toes, reminding me it was just a dream
Some days, you are all I think about
Other days, you don't even cross my mind
Almost two years have flown by; years I thought would take an eternity
Who are you now?
What do you do with your days you swore would be nothing without me?
I don't miss you

She took another sip of her fine feathered drink
I don't think this is a learned behavior
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Blank stares following her body sways
Making mountains out of molehills
I take an attempt to persuade her to address the issue
Only leaves a temporary result to get us off her back
The weight on her back transfers to mine
All eyes on me to intervene again
Though my shell is hard, my inside is not

Is looking outside from your inside just as skewed
as when we look from our outside to your inside?
Please, inform my right side brain
That the left side was correct once again
Even a slight whisper will do.
Please? Don't make me beg.
Are you content with what you've made of me?
The world you created so simply with your bare unfaithful hands has become my cruel reality that I can't seem to escape
I wonder how you sleep at night. With her on your left or your right?
The same sheets that hugged my naked skin after exchanging goodnight kisses from your lips
Is now where she makes her dreams appear.
Is this fair? I didn't ask for this.

A green aura of envy
Apparent yet hidden simultaneously

Melodies flow and the music plays a delightful tune
Every stitch sewn by her maker was made with better wool than mine

Beyond the desired looks, their love is secure
Just one more thing to add to the list

In my arsenal you ask?
Broken poetry and unused words

Majority says nay
Minority says yay

Love around here has been suffocated
Plenty to share, none to myself

Loves taken a hiatus status
I’ve folded my hand.
Consistently dealt a 7/2

My cue to return to real life
Is when the water turns cold

The saddest of feelings are pent up with nowhere to escape
I'm almost sure they feel the pain in my voice
My eyes are drowning in tears that refuse to fall
I let myself get too excited
It's all my fault
I knew it all along
I tried to outplay the system that I am all too familiar with
Orchestrating love is impossible
Please, my friends,
listen to me and take my words for what they are worth
This is an all too common mistake that hopeless romantics make
When your gut speaks to you, do no quiet it

I still lay on my side of the bed
I’ve tried to lay on yours
But I end up over here instead
Can’t believe I would get mad
All those nights I wanted you gone
Recalling those memories makes me sad
Lessons learned
Never make mistakes again
I’ve found the new leaf that I’ve turned
It’s 3AM and here I lay
Writing to myself
Wondering what you would say

I can still feel your heartbeat
Faster than I've ever felt
Loudest sound against my ear
With my head against your chest, I know you're nervous
You reassure what I already know as you whisper your thoughts
I can still smell your scent filling up my nose as we exchange our first kiss
Ushering me to the bedroom, I feel your heartbeat once again
I can still feel your skin grazing mine as we touch for the first time
I'd swear you were a magician pulling rabbits out of hats
You had my full attention
Seeing you in a new light now is something I don't mind
I can still feel my tears rolling down my cheek as we said our last goodbye
I knew it would be our last.
I cling on to every moment.
The air, the cold December air.
No longer December, but I can still feel e v e r y t h i n g

please don't go
I was just getting used to you
simplicity and organic just isn't what I'm used to
it was so perfect not to worry about
when, where, or why
we just let it happen, no need to check time
I know you have to do this
and no looking back
I won't hold you captive, there's no sense in that
Just promise me this:
you'll never forget me
because you were the one who taught me to be me

Lately,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind
My vivid dreams wake me up in a sweat
My day dreams flash my un-lived life
I’m making up scenarios that further my debt

I just need to sleep it off, sleep it off
Tomorrow is a better day
The sun will rise once I sleep it off

I just want to be happy
But happiness comes from within
not from outside sources
How can I be happy when my happiness comes from making others happy?

It started at a party. You just wanted to try.
I didn’t want you to. I didn’t want you to die.
“Don’t overreact, I’ll be just fine.”
But it just took that once, now you are that kind.
Recreational is the word I use to describe
The person you’ve become, a daily subscribe
How can I sit back and watch you lose grip
You’re a ticking time bomb, a pre wrecked ship
I only want to help you but you don’t see that
This is your life at stake, something you’ll have to bat.
Please put this to bed and come back to you
But I know it’s easier to say than do

"I'm sure you heard the news"
my hearts now beating a mile a minute
brain firing off all the possibilities.
an accident, a death, a breakup, or worse
"he's engaged"
- s i l e n c e-
my brain relaxes, my heart slows down
a breath of air pumps through my lungs
"Good, I'm happy! He deserves the one"
"Do you really mean that? I mean he really messed you up"
"Hey, I'm okay. It's no longer my burden to bear
I am a new person, that chapter has closed."

Deep down I feel the angst churning
I never got my closure
How could he have moved on so fast
I want to scream "INFIDELITY!"
just loud enough so she can hear
Would she believe me?
Does it even matter?
I hope she doesn't know. I hope their love is genuine
if she knew the monster she was marrying, I don't think she could live.
I was her, waiting for the ring.

I want it to end
The pain surfaces every now and then
but thank goodness for this bottle
it's become my only friend

I didn't want it to be this way
So I played safe and hid away

Those feelings deep down that I ignored
are now guests at my front door

Guess you could say that this is my fault
I just thought that this is how I'd adult

Doing what I please, saying "***** it, why not"
lead me to this day; it was a lesson to be taught.

One bottle of wine all to myself
Didnt even need a glass
Just drank straight out of the bottle
Not one person aware
Just as I prefer it
Im sure it will come to a head
As soon as my tongue touches that one drop
that will push my limit
Everyone will hear it time and time again
Cant keep it bottled up
But for now, I'll keep the bottle up

Please, leave my mind
Please, leave me alone
Please, let me be
Trying to return to my life without you
So please, let me let you go

Saying hello with a bright smile and welcoming eyes
How did I get so good at pretending
My insides are on fire
I could burn this whole place down
For the sake of everyone on their highs,
I won't
put holes in these walls with my angry fists
yell at the undeserving
I will
keep pretending
until it becomes my reality

Heres a little diddy
'bout my hopes and dreams
Take a little pity
on me please oh please
Tell me that I'll be fine
and you're the one
And that this is the last time
and I'll be done

Do you think of me when you can’t sleep
All alone, or so I think

Do you hear a peep
Are you listening
Are your eyes closed tight  
Losing winks of sleep

Can you see the lights peeking in
Outside of your window it’s time again
I feel depression setting in
Oh no here we go again

The same routine
Everyday
Im losing me
Lost inside these ruins
There’s not much that I’m doin
Now you know why I pushed you away

I think about my future children
And how they will come about.
Will I adopt, have a surrogate, or have them myself
Who will be my mate?
My partner through it all
Oh how I wanted it to be you.
But now that fantasy is over
I hold it together for those sweet future babies.
Grab another whiskey drink and dream of tomorrow

I hate this feeling.
The feeling of the unknown.
I just want to scream and let it all out
But I hold it in and feel my chest tighten with every breath
You reassure me nothing is wrong,
So why do I feel like you are lying?
I gave you an out, a chance to ante up
I want to call your bluff but I'll risk it all
This was once so easy
Where did our words go?
Lost in between what was and now what is?
Let's get back to that

Who I was
When my heart was broken
Has sent backup
I have gone through hell
But now I'm back
Only with scars to show

I will NOT cry over you anymore
These tears are sacred
For loved ones passed or severely stubbed toes
I will NOT cry over you anymore
I deserve the best and you cannot give it
My pillowcases, oh if they could talk
would slap me upside the head
and tell me you're not worth it
I will NOT cry over you anymore

I hope you’re happy
You’ve made a mess out of me
As I lie here empty
Cursing my memories for flooding in
This smile isn’t forced but it’s overstayed it’s welcome
Happiness is something I’ve made up in my own way
Real happiness won’t be found here.
I’m far too damaged.
I’m beyond repair
Why do I even try?  
There’s nothing left to me.

Depression is saying “tomorrow I’ll do that” every tomorrow
Depression is laying in bed starving but not caring enough to get up
Depression is pushing away the people who are trying to show their love
Depression is your room looking like a tornado went through it
Depression is

missing each other is only expressed after
one too many drinks
When our blood turns to alcohol
The words flow easier from our mouths
when the world spins
out from under our feet
the ground falls away
and there is sits; how we truly feel
sober thoughts scare me.
Just say it. Say what you mean
Tell me, please. You go first

The sun came up, then did the moon. And I'm still here.

An “accidental” download
accompanied with fast words and pictures
Frantic, but for what?
The truth or a black lie?
It is no business of mine what you do in your spare time
It’s only the whole family you will break
My father will slip away
Family events will decay
Along with the love that we all once adored.
Oh mother dear,
Why is it that what you fear
Is what you befriend to escape what is non existent
Now this secret I must keep
That will stew inside me deep
Not willing to ruin everyone else’s day

What if I was gone forever?
No re-does
Discontinue my laughs at you being clever

The last talk we had
You never dreamt was our last
Now do you regret ever making me sad?

You said the season wasn't ours
It just wasn't meant to be
But now do your words taste sour?

The sad fact is that I'm here to stay
Wasting away
Wishing I had you by my way to sway

Maybe one day we will meet again
The stars will align
And we will be certain

And here we are
The first time that the words spouted out of your mouth caused a drift
some said it would happen
She's a believer, he isn't
"It just can't be done", The people in the church say
but my mind believes different- until now.
"How can lovers be lovers without the foundation of Jesus?!
It's just preposterous"
More words out of more mouths
they cause a drift between me and them this time
I know only one person can decide
but He seems to be absent right now
Maybe this was the answer to my prayer

red flags dancing in the storm you caused
mentioning  high tide or  danger

"take cover, find  safety"
is what they were screaming
I decided to  stick  around to fight off Mother Nature
but there's no fighting Mother Nature

your  idea  was made up
lies already formed behind the curtains of your shower
when I was dreaming of better things

why.
those three letters come to mind, every time.
why?
the question I seem to ask too much.
although, other questions are valid too.
is there really a divine reason?
when will I ever know?
can't they see?
don't they feel what I feel?
til death do us part, but what kind of death?
death of the spirit, the heart, trust...?
does departing with my body grant that the pain is all gone?
why?

Familiar feeling.
Once so keen. Lost it over time.
Rebuilt myself. Allowed you in.
5 years passed and I could be me.
3 years passed with you.I was me.
Promises of not repeating orbiting me to the familiar feeling.
Built that trust so far, only to be shattered.
A ring and a baby change this circumstance. Not what it was before.
This time I have to be strong. For me. My body. My baby.
I still love you. But why would you do this?
Me, it's me. You, it's you. Why?
Total of 9 years now, with this familiar feeling.
Will I ever say goodbye?