Wanderer

Wanderer Mar 2013

Stay
You always seem so far
Away
Even the bleached roads between us
Cannot keep these lies from drowning
Piece by piece
I don't want this to hurt you
I don't write this to hurt you
My hands fall down by broken sides
Bruised love handles telling their own
Version of what always happens
Stay
You don't have to rip away
Tearing what little fabric we still hold
Deafening, the aching numbness that follows
Silence
A sword wielded by an expert marksman
On your own time, sweet heaven hurry
Tensed like a bow string, ready
Stay
Never fade

Wanderer Mar 2013

Widowed at Twenty-Seven

I've got your ashes sitting quietly on my night stand
They whisper me to sleep at night
So do the lazy legged spiders lounging in cobwebbed corners
I am sad today. Lost.
"they" say that time heals all wounds
Tell that to the hemorraging cavity of my war torn chest
Looking down to take in the carnage the absence of my heart doesn't startle
Only numbs
I knew with you that my every beat, gush of blood
Had found its home
In the unkempt rhythm of yours
The silence that followed is deafening now that stillness has over come

You never gave up.
You just gave in.
Spirit pulling to interrupt
I will never be the same again

For you Jeremiah. You've left me in pieces but at peace. I know you are no longer suffering. Y.H.M.W.H.F.M.W.L.

Wanderer Feb 2013

Transplant Journey

He is suffering
The tell tale signs of decay setting in
It's all I can do to not break down

Five hours later

Gentle hum and gurgle of breathing treatment
Wakes me from dreams of good-bye
Sweet and gentle but suffocating
Do you even know I am here anymore?

Two days later

I can hear them whispering outside
He's too fragile, not much else we can do
My voice catches in my throat yearning to rail at them
HOW DARE YOU GIVE UP!
His breath still draws and my hands are fighting

The failings of a weak condition paired with bacterial war are too much to bare. Go home babe. Sleep with the angels for I cannot be selfish and keep you here so tortured.

*I never let go.

Wanderer Jan 2013

The Strange and Strangled

You pull
I push
The break is never easy, like taffy cooked too long
Shattering when stretched thin
That's how my inner monologue copes with anorexia
Eating holes straight through
But you could never stand the smell
Driftwood wet-rot thoughts boiling down
Catarizing the wound that always worries
My sluggish heart
Take a deep breath
Swollen and stolen it beats heavy in the starving cavity of my wintery chest
Longing  for summer
For the cosmic revolution that will bring it back around to the aching  center
The sun.
You.
Life.
Wake me up when night falls
Wake me up with stars burning behind my eyes

Wanderer Dec 2012

When the Morning Comes

Im in the process of forgetting
Everything I used to know
Looking up into the vast expanse of the past
I remember that we used to be part of that wandering star dust
One day soon we will be again

A breath of silver coats my lungs
Tasting a luminous horizon
Reaching out to suspend the fabric of my thoughts
Shining
Blinding the shadows into hiding

You only ever yearned to fly
Never to fall
There is such sweet sadness in letting go
That space between I'm sorry and Good-bye
It waits for us all
*
Even broken down I'm always worth something to you

Wanderer Dec 2012

Gone Away:Twilight Song

Your hand, it falls away
I am left in twilight
Always in the growing shadow of your ink stained heart
Crescent moon marks the purple deep of failing strength
To fight
I whisper on the easing wind to come find me
Following the soft edged sorrow you laid bellow
Where are those falling stars now?
Burning straight through
Leaving me blind and broken
The rushing tide of blood drums through my ears
A silky, salt water love song humming me to sleep
In that space between gripping and letting go I can still taste you on the ghostly wisps of nicotine smoke
All that remains is twilight

I'm always left wondering where you've gone

Wanderer Dec 2012

Context

I will do it when I **** well please

And don't look at me like that
Like I'll never touch you again or grace you with my presence
I just cannot breathe in here

Your lines remind me of slipping
Further and further off the edge

On a post-it to my notebook.