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Jun 2018 · 862
Schizophrenia
Delusional conclusions
Fulfilled by hallucinations.
Chasing the shadows
Of your internal conflicts
Tricked by your own brain
That everyone is playing the game
Called your life,
Feeling as if you were going insane,
Not wanting to blame- no, believe-
Your own family
Has turned against you,
But the voice in your head
Keeps shouting,
Telling you your own kids want you dead
And you fed into your own demons
Because it's hard no to drown when
You're in a large body of shark infested water,
No matter how hard you fight to survive.
Im sorry, this is just very personal to me. idk if it's good, bad, okay, or whatever.
Jun 2018 · 235
why do you like me
I like you,
but why do you like me?
I'm not pretty
Nor do I have an amazing personality.
I wanted it to be true that you liked me back
But I so badly don't want you to like
Someone who lacks
Any good qualities.
I mean, maybe it's the my insecurity,
But you could do much better than me
I hate myself
May 2018 · 736
Purge
There are no words that I can describe my pain,
Besides fear, sheer helplessness
And bottled up pain and guilt
That was eating away at my soul
Until I couldn't bear it anymore.
1/2 a muffin and 1/4 cup of cereal
Settled in my stomach,
Only worth 1/2 my daily calories
But I still managed to feel guilty
Because of my lack of control.
Voices were screaming inside my head
I tried to fight,
I really tried
Lying to myself that it was fine,
I couldn't let myself believe I was worth anything
So I ran to the bathroom scratching my throat
Regurgitating the pride I had once swallowed.
And a lump of coal I tried to hide
Trigger warning
May 2018 · 655
These voices
I just want these voices to stop.
I dont want to never be good enough
I don't want to starve
I dont want to carve "FAT" on my thigh
I dont want to exercise.
I just want to be normal.
I would rather stay fat rather than unhappy,
But these voices make it hard for me to do that.
Sometimes I want to scream for help,
I want my friends to know that I am drowning
But it's so hard to find the courage to tell the truth.
These voices tell me
That they will think I'm not sick enough
That im not worth the effort
That I'm not enough for them to care
So instead, I give out subtle hints,
"I'm really sore"
I spent all night exercising
"I slept for 12 hours"
I wanted to avoid food last night so I slept and slept a lot due to the fact that I stayed up til 2 am doing squats all week
"Im hungry"
I've been fasting for 18 hours
No one could possibly understand unless they ask
And if they asked, they cared.
So why tell them if they wouldn't care enough?
Mi vida loca
May 2018 · 910
Pretty Girls
The pretty girls who spend hours in their room,
Counting calorie after calorie
As if each one was their last.
Shattering themselves into tiny peices
Until no one could pick up the glass
Of their broken ribcages
And crushed dreams
Wasting themselves away in order perfect
This might be a little triggering
Apr 2018 · 418
A Cry For Help
I am drowning.
Can't you see?
Why are you not looking for me?
I've been screaming loudly.
Ive shown you how I dug my nails into my skin
Each time I went quiet
I even let a few of my scars show,
Yet you still do not know.
You do not know im drowning.
I dont know weather your blind
Or if im not loud enough
Apr 2018 · 476
Orthorexia
Many may say that Anorexia is worse than orthorexia
The truth is that there is no worse.
It's like deciding whether anxiety or depression is better.
But there is no compaction, nor any winner.
Orthorexia is not healthy eating.
It's about battling the inner deomons that control your ever move,
Deciding weather you should go a week of fasting
Or go without fats or sugar altogether.
It's spending hours planning out meals that are "safe" to eat
And spending an hour in the bathroom having a panic attack
For eating one bite of ice cream.
It's obsessing over every gram of fat you consume,
Until the numbers consume you
It's compulsively looking at food labels
To find anything artificail
Or else your not allowed to eat
Its exercising until you can even feel your legs
Because exercise takes commitment
Its not being able to fall asleep for weeks
becomeing so delusional that you believe the people trying to help you
Want to make you fat and unhealthy.
It's not looking in the mirror for weeks
Because your scared of what you might see
It hating your own body so much
That even a "diet" wont help you
It's crying in the bathroom
Because of how much dressing your friend put on her salad
It's chugging so much water
That you throw up
Its worrying your parents because you've gotten so thin
But it's okay because you still eat
It's hating yourself so much that
You forgot how to love yourself
Its lying to everyone,
Telling them your fine,
Even though you spent all night crying
It's not wanting to leave the house
Fearing that people will see you how you see yourself
It's not being able to go to the store
Without having a mental breaking
It's like living in a constant nightmare
But you can never awake
So orthoxia is a not commonly known eating disorder. Its, in a way, like anorexia. Obsessions and control over food. In most ways, it is nothing like anorexia. People obsess over foods they deem "bad" and only allow themselves safe foods they deem healthy. A lot of people with this disorder are also diagnosed with anorexia
Apr 2018 · 1.1k
Hello thigh gap
Hello thigh gap
As soon as you just about 2 weeks and 4 months away,
I was left astray,
Betrayed by my own delusion of beauty
And illusion happiness

Hello thigh gap
They say the apple doesnt fall far from the tree,
But I learned that didnt aply to me when I was three
Because I will never be like my mother

Hello thigh gap
I can't eat without beating myself up
I am such a mess
That I still can't fit in my old dress

Hello thigh gap
I want to be like those girls on tumbr
But im not even remotely skinny
Nor am I pretty

Hello thigh gap
I cant stand this self hate
Its my one fatal flaw
That might just be the end of it all
This may be triggering for some, so if you are easily triggered, then ignore this poem
Apr 2018 · 439
1-800
1-800 Help me I'm dying
And I don't want to keep lying to my family and friends
1-800 my depression never ends
I spend hours alone in bed,
Wishing that I was dead
1-800 I can't do this anymore
The door to happiness has can't open
And I'm left with a broken mind
1-800 My pain won't go away
I can't stand to last another day with my mind
Its like I'm blind to happiness
1-800 My tears turned to blood
And my mind became flooded with joy
Of the numbness I caused
1-800 I'm done with life
I took a gun against my head,
Pulled the trigger and now I'm dead
Apr 2018 · 814
"Just eat"
"Just eat."
The words that sunk into my brain like an anchor
It's easy to breezily dismiss my problems,
But they are much harder to fix.
My illness may inflict me with pain,
But I gain control.
Control over what I eat,
Control over the number on the scale,
Control over my life.
I just strived for perfection
I strived so much that it became an addiction
An addiction that I couldnt control anymore
No food after 10.
No sweets.
No fats.
No meat.
Every time I ate anything above 300 calories,
I would spend hours sitting on the bathroom floor, hovering over the toilet with a spoon in my throat
Until everything is gone,
No more food or pride left in my system
The only thing left was my self-hate, self-pitty, and eating disorder
Apr 2018 · 631
Collarbones and Ribcages
Callarbones & ribcages
The only love of my life.
They made me want to strive
They were the drive that kept me alive
As I cried in desperation for their inspiration,
They were my justification for isolation

Collarbones & ribcages
No more dreams,
No more love.
My motives came from a non-existent light above
A light filled with hates and lies.
The lies that struck me like knives

Collarbones & ribcages
Exercise drills and diet pills,
The image that kills.
Because beauty is pain,
Ana will make sure you die in vain
Apr 2018 · 293
Deprsssion
It's funny how society shows us how to opress

The depressed teens and adults of this generation.

“It’s just a phase”

“I had it worse when i was a child”

“Attention seeking liar”

“Get over it”

But maybe i can’t get over it.

Depression turned my once happy stream of joyful thoughts

Into a rainy, dark pit of sadness.

A pit only to be filled with

Helplessness, insomnia, self-destruction, and a little madness.

This illness has broken me

I feel like I have to carry the burden of darkness on my shoulder

And each time I try to get better, I regress.

The only way to repress my feelings is to let

Niagara Falls drip from wrists, to my stomach, to my hips, & to my thighs

And hide it with a mouthful of lies

My inner demons gained control over my brain,

Bringing me so much pain that it became hard to do anything.

Even eating became a chore

Because it was hard to eat when I can’t even look in the mirror without fear

Of the Image standing in front of me.

****, worthless, stupid

You don’t even have the drive to stay alive,

So why care about yourself or your health?

You’re better off dead.

But of course, it was all in my head, so no one understood.

No one understood that i stayed up til 4 in the morning

Having a mental breakdown, with death on my mind.

I just wish someone could reach behind my mask and find the real me

The sad me

The broken me

The mentally drained me

The me that has been drowning in my own darkness for years now
sorry if its not the best.

— The End —