I can't get the words right. I'm starting to get lost.
You're bubbling emotions that don't make sense.
You can't understand me, we're both at a loss.
Why must you be unhappy? All I have, I give.
It's a word not yet discovered. I am, but I'm not.
I've done as I should, these faults are not my own
You cant understand me, I'm trying to hold on.

To the place where I was, the place where I cried.
The place where they sat & watched me die.
The place where I raised them, the place that I left.
The place where Distraught I Lived & I Left.

It's nothing you do, it's nothing you say. There's nothing more that you could, that you don't already do. You're perfect to love me. Just promise to stay. Stay when I'm happy and stay when I'm sad. Stay cause you love me. As will I. Forever and always, you're my guy.

I can't understand my breathing, it's starting fast and ending slow.
I need my demons to leave me, let me return to never being alone.
Cause I'm pushing away the only one, who holds me while I scream inside.
I'm trying to persevere and throw away insecure lies.
Blood pumps fast when I daydream that I'm not enough for you.
Images in my head that I don't want to remember their taking my life.
I was an assassin, took what I needed and left on a cue.
When I looked in their eyes and saw they needed mine.
I can't do that to you, I never would, but the urges to run, they've got me in a corner.
The feeling that you'll leave when you see the dark sides of mine.
I'd steal their hearts before they ever saw it coming, but you stole mine first
Now I'm over my head, I'm not in control. I need you in my life.
I need your love more than my own.
I crave to hear your heartbeat. It soothes me while I sleep.
I need to feel you needing me. It's my own kind of lust.


You're handsome and I'm sick, I crave you.
I fear I'll never add up to exactly what you deserve.
I need you baby, I need your strength.
I've done so much wrong, it's haunting me in ways I never imagined.
Why do I need you inside me to make me feel wanted?
When your eyes truly show how much I mean to your heart.
But you are my well-being, you are my firm earth.

When the damage was done and your soul was won. Did you feel a sting? Did you know you were done?
Did the lights dim down in your common sense, did you ever think once that your sins would win.
Did it hit you hard when I ran away, or was it a sweet release from inflicting pain.
On the ones who loved you, on the ones who cared. Or was it the answer to your silent prayers.
When you begged me back, what did you think I'd say?
I was never raised to enjoy the pain.
The nights you told me of demons and angels, I thought you were a savior. Not to be taken by the devil.
I used to be appalled by the crazy ones, never realizing that I lived with some.
Until it broke lose and the war begun. I was fighting alone against the chosen ones.
The ones he preyed on to take my family, I tried to be the glue at barely fourteen.
I should have never believed you all the times you apologized and now you're here again, same look there in your eyes.
Maybe you'd understand if you could only see through mine.

The nightmares won't stop, as I'm crying and pulling at my hair.
I'm ******* dying from the inside out. And nobody knows, that's my worst fear.
I roll over and he wakes me up, "you had a bad dream" and I curl up again.
If only they knew, they aren't dreams but memories.
My wings were clipped at a young age and now I'm struggling to fly with nothing.
They took everything sacred and all I hear are screams.
They never cease, they keep me up all night.
To just fall asleep is always a fight.
I was never sober for a reason, now I'm paying the toll.
I'm fighting this war, I need to take back control.
Sin like cigarettes, fuming in the room. The smoke rolls in and eyes roll back.
It's always the same tune. Lie to me, lie to me.
Say you're coming back to us! I'm so easy to believe in the love you lack.
Cry to me, cry to me. Those tears of betrayal, no you never run out.
Play circus with our hearts, oh where's your ring of fire?
Is it the one you wear on your finger even though you know you don't deserve it.
Bleed for me, cry for yourself,  break your promises to little ones who never doubt.
Ruin our home, you've been doing it from the start.
Haunt my nights with your terrifying screams.
I'll hold back the gun and you can prey on our hearts.
Promise you're changing and take away your own dignity.
I've masked you for too long, I won't cover up your sins.
Let the whole world know, I won't worry, your favorite sins will do you in.


Taste that cigarette, I hope it gets you high.
Cause you when you wake up, you'll be alone drowning in a fight you created.

Fear.
It haunts me in my most private moments.
To wonder and fight the thoughts of my un-honest parents.
The thoughts creep in and I ponder my brothers.
Will they know the things I've done for them? Or all the nights I've cried?
The fights I fought and lies I told, mommy is just fine.
The questions asked by young helpless hearts, as I soothed them through the night.
Daddy does love mommy and mommy is just fine.
They don't mean the things they yell, I stutter out of my mouth.
Hiding in their bedroom, with the TV turned to loud.
I run to stop the fighting, for the sake of helpless hearts.
Daddy won't end his life and mommy is just fine.
I ponder all the days where it was just me and them, I longed to leave that fortess, that god-forsaken hell.
I lay in bed at night, young helpless hearts sleeping sound.
They do not know the evil that lives in their lives.
It flows through their veins just like it does mine.
I swear daddy loves us and mommy is just fine.
I never tell them the stories that keep me up all night.
That daddy is not the same and mommy commits the crimes.

I prayed, dear Lord help us, but silence is all there was.
I sang in the choir and hoped some good would come.
I found nothing but hypocrisy, with a smile painted on my face.
The second we left the church corridor, they had everything but grace.
The torment and the lies, the woman I despised. The man I used to praise, now crying at his knees.
But when his eyes left the ground, a blackness filled his soul.
There's nothing left of daddy when his anger takes control.
I'm screaming in my head as I sit in the closet.
They send the children looking, thinking surely I've lost it.
How could I not? I've spent so many years protecting the young ones you turn against me.
Convincing them I'm the enemy.
I rocked them to sleep, I sang their lullabies, I took care of your sheep as our shepherd stood by.
You left us in the darkness, you didn't even care. Many days I just got by, with only enough for them to eat.
We had little to nothing as you walked on priviledge feet.

Won't put my clothes in the drawers.. Leave em in the suitcase on the floor.
I'm not settling down anywhere, that you ain't here.
Lie awake at night in this hotel, wishing I had you next to me.
Think of all the things we did and say. Now I'm gone for work a thousand miles away
And we call and talk but I just don't say, how much I really think about you.
I'm going crazy here without you.
You just can't see how much I care about you.

But we call and talk everyday and you make real promises to stay.
And I trust you more everyday..
But I'm scared of what we might become someday, you'll have the power to break my heart so please don't stray.
But I'm willing to risk it when I see your face, there's no doubt in my heart that you're worth it.

So I'll fall asleep another night without ya but wait for the day that I'm back in your arms and I'll wake to a message from your name saying my favorite thing..
Good morning babe.

Build a castle and tear it down.
Announce the king but break the crown.
Tame the horse, but set it free.
Save a butterfly but take it's wings.
Cure the disease but pull the plug.
Promise not to leave then stick the key under the rug.
Sweep the girl off her feet but leave her heart on the ground.
You can't stop the contradictions now.

It's crippling habit, you cant quite quit.
It all started when you took your first hit.
Your heart was broken to create a fool.
Who truly believes his tongue is a tool.
To twist and demean words, to trick them into lust.
To tear apart the hope that every one entrusts.
Into a hole you've fallen now, you can't escape, you can't get out.
No one is there to lend a hand, they don't care now but you'd understand.


This is a letter to the ones like me, like how I used to be.
You must stop running, let love take control and if you think you'll regret it, remember no one wants to die alone.