i have exponentially more to worry about than you when you talk of me with the same words you drench her in.
I don’t know what I’ve done lately or how I’m even feeling
You speak of how gorgeous and beautiful I am but you turn around and speak just as highly as her
I don’t know if I’m blowing it out of proportion or what
But I do know if I told some of the same things to him I tell to you, you would be pretty hurt too.
My eyes were closed and all I could see was black
Emptiness one would say but far from it was what I felt
Your soft lips fit together into mine as almost as if they were made to interlock and all I felt in that moment was love
Nothing clouding my mind
Physically we pulled away but my feeling never did
I can’t even take a ******* shower without feeling insecure and thinking I’m disgusting.
If I depress you so much why do you stay with me?
I love you
I’m sorry I depress you
I’m sorry for everytime I squeeze your hand while you’re holding mine and smile at you just to get you to crack a smile
I’m sorry for staying up with you multiple nights talking to you on the phone while you cry to me about your burdens
I’m sorry for telling you things will get better and that it won’t always be as bad as it seems
I’m sorry for staying by your side telling you it’s okay every time you manage to **** me over
I’m sorry I always try my best to soak your negativity up with my optimism
I’m sorry I depress you
I’ve tried really I’ve tried to do the opposite
You accuse me of doing something and then turn around and do the exact same thing
i sat in class ignoring the lecture and the boy next to me asking me to sing for him
and i realized i have been letting sadness win lately
letting anger consume me and darkness block the sun
and im sick of it
the devil has found its way to me and has been controlling the weather
but from now on ill be more cautious on how easily i let the storm clouds wash over me
you come to me to find the happiness that has been hiding from you for so long and i wont be able to show you unless i can uncover it myself
so instead why dont we seek it again together?
ill put one foot forward and jump into your arms and we can dance to the beat of the thunder and lay under the light of the sun
its not good, i just didnt wanna do my class work this period
He tells me to live more care-free
But I thought I was the one doing so all along
I wish writings wrote themselves
Sometimes I don’t want to write how I feel
I get too hurt and angry
Sometimes I’d just rather read how I feel
I guess that’s why I like your writings so much
Fun is what we pride ourselves in
From silly string fights to dance parties
It’s never a dull moment
We may have silly fights and sometimes have fears and doubts but my love
There is no other person I’d rather waste time and money with by drawing with chalk and molding silly puddy
You dress yourself in black as I pour the rainbow on myself
You speak words of realism as I sit in a daydream
But honestly I’d say no one could ever fit me better than you do
You're my forever dance partner and my favorite comedian
And I’m your little ball of sunshine
Never stop writing me sweet songs and I’ll never stop making you little dumb ceramic pieces
You looked so handsome with the summer sun shining down on us
And you’ll look even better with the autumn leaves falling down behind us
We’ll stand together through all,
We’ll dance together through all and try our best to make it through
I love you i
I look up to see you smiling at me and I feel a sense of comfort i haven’t found with anyone else
A smile shines from my face as I catch myself staring at your perfect one
You have this bright smile that makes your eyes squint up
and to see you look so happy is all I could ever ask for
I guess you could say thats what teenagers do
They can’t keep their hands off each other
And when they aren’t touching they’re longing for it
Well my love id be lying if I said I didn’t want it, if I said I didn’t want you
Because really I do
Just for some reason I seem to beat myself up for it later
I call myself a **** and feel shamed for doing things everyone else does
And the cherry on top is that I feel us moving towards being like them more and more everyday
We argue these petty little fights every time we’re not with each other and then when we are we only focus on each other’s bodies
Don’t take any of this the wrong way. I love everything we do just sometimes these thoughts start to cloud my mind
You’ve come to know my love for anything
Anything that reminds me of summer, something that sparks me
Well you, my dear are just a like a flower to me
A rose to be exact, you’re classically beautiful, never going out of style
You bring an instant smile to my face when I see you and you fill me with this feeling of excitement
You’re soft and fragile even if people don’t really know it
Sometimes you’ll start to wilt and it hurts me to see
So I try my best to water you to bring your spirits back to life
I love you
I’m tired of these irrelevant arguments alongside with the unspoken hostility
And the torturous part is that I know it’s killing you too
I want to prevent your knuckles caving in walls to only make them ******
I want to destroy the idea of doubt you think I have for you in your head
Please don’t push me away when I ask what’s wrong
Please remember I’m not against you,
That we’re on each other’s team.
I don’t know what I did
Or how it happened
I just wish it could stop
These things seem to have been happening a lot more lately
I want so bad to write of my insecurities, to write about how I felt but the truth is, it’s too hard to think about any of that right now because I’m too focused on the last memory you left me with and how ******* lucky I am to call you mine
I will never be able to put into words how **** perfect you are
Please tell me I wasn’t your second choice
The one girl who caught your eye just because the one you fancied most didn’t commit to you for a reason unknown
Please tell me you don’t like my style so much because it reminds you of hers in a way
Please tell me that the first cold month of the year if you had the choice between the both of us you would’ve chosen me
Honestly it’s okay if you’d have chosen her
I get it I’d just like to know if we started on me being runner up
I found this in my drafts from months ago
But I know it’s not true and I’m content with everything so I thought why not post
I’m terrified for things to start up again even though it’s been a cycle I’ve been a part of for 13 years prior
I feel like it’s coming all too fast and I try not to think about it because maybe then it’ll never come
I’m scared to be there
To see them
In our same environment with the same faces and a few new added
I’m scared they won’t like me
That I won’t see them except for an hour in the morning and they’ll all start to forget about me
That they’ll decide I’m not worth it
Or that they like her more
It’s going to be awful and I’m going to apologize in advance for all the crying I’ll do
Two nights ago I came home and looked in the mirror and truly liked what I saw
You make me feel beautiful
I just want to scream
I just want to yell
What can I do to get you to understand the words I say
Or make you lose all the doubt you have In my feelings for you
If I was tired of you I wouldn’t agree to hang out
If I didn’t like you I wouldn’t pretend like I did
If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be with you
But no matter what I say and no matter what I do you’ll always have a seed of doubt in you
Continuing to grow and not stopping
And all I can do is try to prevent it from growing because the roots are too big into the ground
There’s no pulling it up and taking it away
And apparently instead of trying to **** it I’m watering it
Feeding into your doubt with actions I didn’t even realize
Do not for one ******* second say you’re bland.
You’re the least bland person I know
I know I’m awful at complementing you enough and I truly am sorry but I really didn’t want you thinking I just liked you for your looks because two of my close friends stated before that your charming looks were the only thing drawing me to you and I really didn’t want you to think that because it’s not true at all
I also had the fear of you thinking I’m too clingy, and that it’d annoy you and you’d leave me
And that’s the last thing I ever want to happen
So please let me tell you what I’ve been thinking this entire time
And don’t think for a second I’m doing all this because “I feel like I have to” because I know I don’t, you even asked me not to change anything but you’re too ******* perfect not to.
Let me start off by saying you truly are a handsome boy, you have a perfect ****** structure and body to gift you with the most classic elegant beauty
And there’s no one else on this earth that I am more attracted to than you
And I will never waste my breath comparing you to a celebrity that I find can’t even compare to your sheer perfection
Now can I tell you that you are the most talented person I’ve ever met in my life.
You have a natural skill when it comes to music and I envy it so much
I could listen to you play for hours on end and never get bored of your little tune
And I could sit and ponder the meaning behind your beautifully written lyrics for days
A little secret of mine is that your my biggest role model for writting, I think you’re a hell of a writer and reading your poetry brings a whole different feel to life itself
Something I’ve come to notice is that your talent doesn’t just stop there
You’re talented with people
You can have this way of talking to people and making them feel wanted and important and the world needs more people like you
You can meet someone new and you charm your way into their hearts making them instantly fall in love with your sweet, pure, hard working character.
You’re the type of person people want to be around it’s always a breeze with you and a fun time with your endless jokes and fantastic humor
There’s no way in hell I’d ever call you bland
There’s is never a minute I’m ashamed of you and I’ll be proud to call you my boyfriend any day because I know I already have the most attractive, kind, talented, funny boyfriend on earth and there is no changing my mind.
I love you.
You’re all I think of day and night and I can’t help it
I fear you grow sick of me day by day so I try not to let it show as much
When I heard the tone in your voice it crushed me inside making me feel as if i did something terrible
I hung the phone up to fix my own mistakes
So you wouldn’t be upset with me
So you wouldn’t start to miss me less.
I did it to try to fix things but I only made them worse, my heart was in the right place I promise
Its been 3 1/2 years since the time I went home and told my mom I made a friend who is the funniest person alive
Its been 2 1/2 years since I’ve possessed an overwhelming joy inside of me every time I saw you
Its been 2 years since we sat in a Taco Bell and I looked at your big brown eyes and thought to myself that you were my best friend
Its been a year and a 1/2 since we stopped talking as much and grew apart
Its been a little over 1 year since I went home and cried about how I thought you truly didn’t care about me anymore
Its been 11 months since you reached out to me in hopes of fixing things and made me so happy I cried
Its been 8 months since I finally felt like we were okay again
It’s been 6 months since I started to look at you with a certain light in my eyes and gained a new found nervousness when I spoke with you
Its been 5 months from the day I thought I could never have you in a way I dreamt of
Its been 4 1/2 months since I realized there was no way in hell I couldn’t be with you
Its been almost 4 months from the day we stopped ‘playin’
Its been 3 months since you shed you perfect light on my dark grieving self and made me feel like everything was going to be okay
Its been 2 1/2 months from the day I realized I was falling in love with you and the risky phrase flew from my mouth that you never heard
Its been almost 2 months since the time you showed me the drum roll isn’t always better and you laid the best kiss of my entire life on my lips
Its been 1 month since you swept me off my feet and told me that you loved me and to this day I still can’t think of a better moment
Its been all this time and I still get butterflies in my tummy as I text you late at night about how much I miss you
You’ll never know the full extent of how in love with you I am
I’m starting to see you every time I pick up my phone
It doesn’t matter what app I go to youre there
And you’d think it make me content, happy just to see you
But really it’s only making me miss you more
******* for thinking I’m only worried about myself
All I’m asking is for you to trust me for once in your life and let me handle my own ******* family issues
You’ll help us both by staying out of it even though it doesn’t feel like it
Light shined through the thin paper shades illuminating the room with a soft glow
As I rest on my fitted bed not being able to fall asleep I hear the echo of voices from up the stairs gossiping
instead of straining to hear what they speak of I lay tense and upset
I long to be around him and it’s making me angry because I feel like I miss the boy too much
It also upsets me that even though I know I’m wrong I feel like he doesn’t miss me in the same way
So I continue to lie in my bed wishing for this half hour to be up
you’re the sunshine to my summer days
The thing that brightens my whole life up
Everything about you from the silly voices you make to the way you’ll sporadically pick me up brings a smile to my face
The songs you write sound perfect to me even though you call them **** I’ll still play it on repeat
You’re my perfect daydream my endless summer, my adorable singer songwriter
I really just want a hug from you
my little sister is hurting herself to feel better
and my mom never stops crying anymore.
my older sister tells me she doesn’t like me.
and my best friends have decided they’re content with not seeing me.
the grace has died in my life with my grandmother not around anymore.
and i’m stuck watching my grandfather lose his mind day by day.
But I guess with a fake smile I can fool people into truly believing I’m happy.
you’re the only one keeping me sane, thank you
All I have to do is think of you and a smile grows across my face
You’re such a kind brave soul and I couldn’t be any prouder than I am of you
You’ve come so far my love and I can’t wait for the things in store for you
No matter what happens you’ll be able to do it
Especially with your witty personality and talented characteristics
I’ve been praying you’ll have a good time
I’m cold and all I want to do is cry
But I can’t lose it infront of anyone around me because truth is
They all want to cry too.
If I go down it will act as a domino affect
One after the other
Wallowing in our own grief
mourning the one we miss most
So instead I’ll lay on your bed that hasn’t been touched in so long and shed a few tears as I’m here alone
I often find myself admiring other girls Instagram pages
Not longing for their usual sought after characteristics like their perfect clothes and long straight hair
But instead, their skinny frames
I admire how they can pose in the tiniest of swimsuits with no ounce of fat anywhere on their body
How they can wear a tube top and the shortest of shorts and others only see tan smooth legs and a tight tummy paired with a long vertical bellybutton.
I then look at myself in disgust.
I frown at the fact that my stomach will never be as flat as theirs,
I’ll always have fat gathering towards the bottom of it and I’ll always wince when somebody pokes me
Because the embarrassment of someone feeling my plushy stomach will always haunt me
Not to mention, I’ll never be able to walk outside with shorts on without the sunlight drawing attention to the little cellulite around my knees and on my thighs
Or even wear a strapless top without feeling my upper arms are too big.
I wish I saw myself how others see me
I hate my bellybutton most
Sitting on the floor of your room I sat and admired you looking through your records.
I leaned resting my back against your bookshelf while I realized how much I’ve truly fallen in love with you
A smile washed over my face as I felt the book in my hand you told me to take home and I looked back at your striking face and felt myself fall in love all over again
I need the book before you leave:(
No, we can’t be friends
So please stop trying.
You’re incapable of being friends with a girl without trying to get in their pants sooner or later.
And to tell you the truth, you creep me out too much to become friends with you again.
Please stop trying to meet me because really if what you have to say is so important then you’d tell me over the phone
I don’t want to see you so please stop asking me.
Things won’t ever go back to how they used to be
I just wish I ended things sooner because maybe then you wouldn’t be calling asking for a second chance
If I had the power to show you anything it wouldn’t be a famous band nor a pretty piece of land
Instead I’d show you what you’ve decided to not see
How much you mean to everyone not only me
People do love you and enjoy your company, even if you don’t see it
I’m sorry I’m such a tease
It’s getting late and I’m not sure what side each of us is defending anymore
I’m not going to lie, i am annoyed
And no matter how much I wish you were here so I could get my point across to you easier
I wish more that you were here so I could just hug you and tell you everything will be ok
I’m sorry for being a *****
it's not that you mean any less to me just because I did it for him and not for you
Its not that you're scary
its just that I care what you think
and I know once I do it you won't forget it
what if I'm bad?
I don't want that memory sticking with you forever
ill do it eventually, its just awkward when you push because I freeze up and get embarrassed because I have all of your attention
I know I can't make it up to you
and sorry will never be a strong enough word to use to show my remorse
I broke the number one rule and it was breaking a pinky promise
and I wish I didn't because now I feel like you have lost some trust in me
Play me a song you wrote and it’ll be in my head all day
Tell me a joke I’m all too familiar with and I’ll laugh like I’ve never heard it
Give me a kiss you’ve layed upon my lips a hundred times before and I promise I’ll still want more
I dreamt last night that you came back
You were with us but you weren’t all there
You talked of heaven and hell
That you had visited both
You told us how hell wasn’t as bad as everyone made out to be
That it wasn’t a pit of burning fire for eternity, how it was somewhat bareable
And you didn’t talk of heaven to be complete happiness with streets of gold
You brushed it off when I asked with excitement and described it only as a decent day at work
Every thing about the whole situation was strange
How you talked, how you looked, and where we found you.
it was a bad dream that left me with a bad feeling
I care about what happened,
How you are
I wanna hear about the small little stories you find insignificant to others that you think I might not care enough to hear.
I want to know what crossed your path today to make you smile your beautiful smile or make you frown a face I hate to see you wear.
I want to know how your day was because most of mine was thinking about how you were.
i hope your day was wonderful
Some kids worry that they do too much,
That they’ll soon get caught and get stuck in their webs of consequences.
Well I’m afraid I don’t do enough
That I’m slowly missing out on so much.
I hear of all the things my friends are doing and I start wondering if somethings wrong with me.
Sometimes it’s the only thing in my head
Polluting what some may call pure.
Should I be doing drugs?
Should I be having ***?
my friends talk of it as things that make good memories, and that’s all I really want.
is how I’m feeling recently.
I know the words
And I know what I want to say.
I just can’t get them out.
— The End —