I hope your stomach hurts when someone mentions my name.

Just like mine did

I hope you can't sleep at night; having the thoughts of losing me consume you.

Just like it did for me

I hope you choose not to go out some nights in the fear of running into me and end up missing out on fun nights with friends.

Just like I did

I hope you wake up in the middle of the night crying because you dreamt of me.

Just like I did

Maybe it's selfish, even petty, of me to wish these things upon you. But knowing that you will hurt even an ounce as much as I did gives me some sort of weird comfort. Comfort in the fact that I know I wasn't the only one broken from this relationship.

But my true comfort comes in the form of acceptance. Acceptance of what happened; realizing that I am now stronger and finally over you. Acceptance that you were simply a road block in my life; a road block that took me a year to get over.

After a toxic relationship everyone tells you that you deserve better. You agree but you don't usually feel that way. You can't understand how someone you loved, someone you thought at one point was perfect, turned out to be so wrong for you. You start to think that you deserve what happened to you; that you were stupid enough to not see the warning signs. You start to think that you can't do better than him, or that someone better doesn't even exist.

You're wrong.

Someone better is out there waiting for the chance to meet someone like you. You may not believe it, hell, I didn't believe it until it happened to me.

I thought I was never going to meet someone who could make me as happy as my ex did. Someone that I could share my passion with. Someone that I could click with instantaneously.

But I did.

It happens at different times for people so don't rush it. Some it can take a week; others months, maybe, even years.

Be patient.

My dad warns me telling me that alcoholism runs in the family.
I laugh and tell him not to worry because I hate the taste of alcohol.

It's true, I do.

The smell.
The burning.
The warmth.

But then again,

the numb feeling it gives you is undeniable.

Sometimes it feels like alcohol is the only way to not hurt.

But remember to make sure you drink a lot. Drinking only a little wont do you any good. The last thing you want is to be MORE emotional. As if you thought that was even possible.

Drink until you feel nothing.

Your hangover might be awful in the morning, but then again it can't be worse than how you felt before drinking, right?

I'm starting to think my dad is right in worrying.

Never have you ever felt the way I do.

Never have you ever felt the weight of your heart break underneath your chest.

Never have you ever heard the sound of your rib crack while your heart is being yanked out.

Never have you ever stayed up all night crying so much you wish you could drown in the pool of tears your body created.

Never have you ever wished you were dead because you thought it couldn't be worse than how you felt in that moment. Could it?

Never have you ever looked into the eyes of another boy wishing you could feel something, anything close to how he made you feel.

Never have you ever starved yourself thinking, maybe if I was skinnier, prettier.

Never have you ever asked God "Why me?"

Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one who has ever felt this way. But, I know I'm wrong. For anyone feeling this way, I will pray for you; I know how bad it hurts. And for anyone who has gotten past this feeling, tell me how.

It's time I let love in.

It's time I stop turning down guys who show interest in me because they aren't you.

It's time I stop letting the past control my future.

It's time I stop waiting for something that won't happen.

It's time I stop being upset over the same thing, every single day.

It's time I learn that some things belong in the past, even if you don't want them to.

It's time to love myself, even if you don't.

It's time to be happy.

If you asked me to do it all over again, I would. Even if it ended with you telling me the same thing, I would. Even if it were to keep me up all night like it is now, I would. Even if in that moment after, I still feel crushed, I would. Because all of that is worth it to me.

I just want to feel again.

I've forgiven you for a lot, but I'm not sure I can for this. You're selfish. You're selfish for initiating it knowing how I felt but more importantly knowing how you felt.

But of course it takes two right? The only difference is I knew what I wanted and that was you. You knew what you wanted and that wasn't me. You knew you wanted nothing but in that moment made it seem like you wanted everything.

For a few minutes I was happy. After I was crushed.

But that doesn't matter to you does it? You can't even see your faults.