I'm afraid you'll start to irritate me like he did
or that we'll lose our spark and become boring
or that we rushed into this and will realize it's a mistake
I'm afraid that I'll start to change who I am
that I'll start relying on you too much and become less independent
or that you'll consume too much of my brain space and I won't be able to think of anything else
I'm afraid I'll get winter depressed and tired and you won't want to be around me or I won't want to be around you
I'm afraid I won't be able to really open up to you
or that I'll really open up to you and there won't be anything special inside
I'm afraid that you are way too good of a person for me
I'm afraid of getting so attached to you
I'm afraid of really going all-in on this because that's where I feel we're headed
I'm afraid you are perfect for me and I'm going to do something stupid to push you away.
Don't let me push you away, okay?

the walls close in on me and
     I push against them until they turn to dust.
     The world opens up in front of me:
        a vast field of dust-covered pavement,
        with rolling hills of landfills every few miles.
           no cars to be found, but markers where they should go.
              I feel free.
My body does cartwheels but my eyes stay sharp
     searching in the distance at the lights as they dance in my spinning head.
         "they mean something," I said, not knowing the weight of my words.
     The dancing lights outline all my thoughts now--forever changed because of the words you spoke
         each thought different and building on the one before it,
            "go, go, go"
I jump between the hills and the hills smile back,
     filling me with lightness as I float away, up into the seafoam-colored sky that carries me back to where we began,
           "go, go, go,"
So I start to run--
   faster than I am able to run--
and that's when I realize none of this is real,
       but the dancing lights around my thoughts don't disappear,
       and I'm still left with your words ringing in my ears
            as I roll and roll down the kind hills.
my hands become claws
    so I begin to climb back up but my feet have become sticky,
    and I'm struck by the irony of having hands that can climb and feet that can't move,
         so I fall back and let the irony carry me away,
             far, far, away from the hills that smile and the pavement that seems endless,
             and once I know the end is near your words stop ringing and the lights start to fade, and I notice I'm no longer floating but falling
It's only then I understand the meaning of the lights,
     and now that it's dark I long for that dusty, seafoam-colored world once more.
     so I whisper, "go, go, go."
     And the walls start to close in once more.

They saw a pattern in the darkness
darker & darker, still,
still
they see the light
they know the light
or knew it, anyway
as the patterns in the darkness unfold themselves
we know the light too
and the light leads the way
through the darkness

I take your hand in mine and lead you down the hall
I turn on my toes and you catch me as I fall
Your eyes lock into mine, and I feel my soul lift from my body and time
It hangs there, suspended in the air until you break your gaze.
You lift me up swiftly and hold me in a tight embrace.
You look at me again with your hazel eyes, and I'm filled with sadness, joy, fear, and excitement--perpetually paralyzed.
You slowly lower your lips to reach mine as I allow,
First a light electrifying touch, then more as your bottom lip caresses my mouth.
I feel a warming sensation starting at my neck and ending at my fingertips
As you knowingly take my hand in your grip.
The heat intensifies from your touch and I feel electrified again, I lean my body closer into yours so this moment extends.
my soul dances above with yours to the most beautiful sound,
the unique rhythm we make as together our hearts pound.

I see you in the ocean below me
Your face in each crashing wave
Your smile as the mist floats out gently to the open air.

I imagine us in a boat
gliding atop the water
In nothing but swim suits and sunscreen
You teaching me how to turn the sail
Me tossing fruit into your mouth.
We cheer at the ones you catch,
greet the eager sea creatures who appear when we miss.
I lay my head on your lap at sunset as you brush my hair back from the evening breeze
We kiss and make love at nightfall
Then count the stars until dawn.
Your embrace keeps me warm through the night air
And my lips send chills through you when the sun is at its peak.
We play music at times
And dance until our feet are sore
We make friends with the passing dolphins,
Sometimes share the meals we catch.
I see it in our faces that we could never be happier
And we live long peaceful lives in each other's arms.

I look around this vast empty ocean
And see your face in each wave,
Your eyes in the glistening foam.

You started digging outside one day,
Within a few hours you had quite a large hole
then you smack the ground and it starts raining,
filling up the hole with muddy rain water.
Quickly weeds grow up around it, running wild.
Suddenly you jump into this muddy lagoon,
I run to the bank and scream your name
you tell me you're fine, but you're clearly stuck.
your head bobs up and down in this lagoon you made for yourself
you gasp for air with each bob.
I hand you a tree branch,
     a flimsy one, but still,
and you just won't take it
you shake your head vigorously and insist you can get out yourself
but you just keep sinking farther and farther out of sight
and I can't call for help because my lips are sewn tight
     I sewed them myself
I take a breath in through my nose and dive into the muddy lagoon
reaching for your body
I find your hand and pull you to the surface
you appreciate the air but you won't get out
you say you're just going to stay here for a while,
try to learn to swim,
I think you're crazy but I can't leave
          a part of me wants to
but I won't.
Especially now that I dived in--
I'm just as covered in mud as you are--
with no tree branch to pull me out.
I'll stay and try to teach you to swim
then we can get out together, shake the mud off, and walk away.

He told me he loved me yesterday
blurted it out while we walked through the trees
the love came with a but, though, of course,
  can you expect anything less?
  Does love ever come without stipulations?
He said he'll love me only if I'd tattoo his name on my arm for all to see
that makes sense, doesn't it?
Why wouldn't I show the world that this amazing man loves me...
       but it bothers me a little bit
               a lot
       I wish he'd just believe me, forget the rest and concentrate on what  
       I'm telling him
            showing him--
       because my words and actions should be enough to know I love you,
       a tattoo would do none of that,
            except cause me pain and scar my skin,
he's so beautiful and pure-hearted
                 it makes me sick--
it makes me want to be a better person,
       I wish I was a better person,
       he's been through such little heart-break so few challenges
         only those that he's presented himself for sport
he's such a good person
       I feel *****, tainted--
            full of wisdom and thoughtfulness--
       wishing less has happened in my life
            knowing that this is how I'm meant to be
       but also wishing he'd understand that I am beyond our years
       I see the future so clearly
        and I see him in it. But he doesn't seem to realize what an honor that is
           and the only reason why I know doubtlessly that it's an honor
           is because of all my wisdom.
           It's a double-edged sword that I'm proud to wear,
                                       not like a tattoo.

I like the way your hair sparkles, she said,
it looks like little diamonds are flying off of it.
I looked her in the eyes and thanked her for her unnecessary kindness,
but I know that you know that each of those sparkles is a reflection of a tear,

The feelings hang off my head for all to see.

I'm too busy falling down the well to hear you yell to me
all I hear is the rushing sound of wind by my ears and the sloshing water only inches below me
it continues to be only inches away even though I've been falling for hours
or days
is there really a difference between those two times?
I think about the amount of hours in a day as the wind finally carries the sound of your voice to me
it cuts through the air waves, shattering them into pieces that cut my skin like shards of glass
My body reaches the bottom of the well and falls through the water and lands softly on the pavement
My vision spins and I stand up carefully in this dark alley
the sound of anger and the smell of death and the taste of fear all rush to me at once,
I watch as cars and people zoom by, unaware of this alley's existence.
I think about staying here, free from life's interactions until you break from the crowd and run down the alley towards me
I look up and jump out over the buildings
and fly over the dark city.
The people are actually robots, floating above the ground, zipping through each other in and out of buildings and buses
This city is dark because they don't need to see. It smells because they can't, and it's fearful because they don't feel for each other
I watch from above as no words are said and no laughter is heard, some lose battery and break down in the street and cleaning machines sweep up their parts.
You fly up next to me and I grab your hand this time and we go away from here and I promise you that I won't jump down the rabbit hole again.
You don't believe me. I don't believe me either.

Sometimes I feel the need to write to get all the words in my head out.
But today when I started writing,
I found out that I can't stop.
There is more in my head than I previously thought and every word I write instead of just getting out of my head and staying out multiplies like a virus and creates 3 new words. 3 new words in my head that weren't there before. So I write out those 3 words and those 3 words each produce 3 more words and before I know it my brain is a place I don't even recognize. Sleep is impossible and standing still is even less so.
I spin for a few minutes or maybe hours but god it feels like days, and finally I start to slow down and words start producing slower and I start to hear my keyboard again.
I hear cars go by and realize I am holding my breath and biting down on my tongue
hard.
I slap myself to loosen my jaw and start to breathe again.
My hands feel surprisingly loose instead of cramped.
I stretch out my neck and roll out my shoulders and get up from my chair.

I haven't worked out that hard in months.

Do you remember when life was about something bigger?
about making meaning out of our existence?
Our ancestors risked their lives for this meaning,
and yet we've forgotten what it is.

We move through the motions of every day and cling to what we know for any sense of comfort and understanding
but this understanding is what is killing us
to not understand is to be vulnerable
to be afraid and alone
to be lost and confused
to be questioning and skeptical
to be unattached and free
to not understand is to be alive--
the urge to ask is the meaning of life.

So when you find yourself falling back into old routines and you feel the warmth of comfort and familiarity, you will laugh, and find yourself asking why?
And you'll smile. And feel alive.

He looked at me like he was looking into my brain
and as he slowly laughed I felt my heart beating in my ears and my vision going black. Then I caught my breath and he finished his laugh and I walked away to do other things. Those other things weren't nearly as good as his pre-laugh. He's the only one I know with a pre-laugh. It's a look
and then a pause
and then a smile
and then a chuckle as he looks down
he's never been able to laugh while looking at me
I think it's too hard for him to bear
because then he has to admit to himself that I'm the reason why he laughs
which is why I must hold his head up
so when now when he's laughing and sees my face
he can't deny that I'm the one who makes him that happy.

"The snow is gentle and beautiful,"
he said as he lightly brushed my hand,
the wind rushed through the collar of my coat
and my nose was red and numb,
but he was right.
I felt the stillness as we looked out onto the frozen lake,
out of breath simply from the lack of oxygen in the air.
The stillness felt both thick and weightless at the same time,
as if the non-existence of anything imposed so greatly you could reach out and touch it
The silence hung on the bent tree branches, slowing falling in drops,
and immediately evaporating to fill the air
resonating so loudly they hit us in the face,
stunting us with this existence of nothing.
Yet the imposing Nothing was beautiful and gentle, a calm experienced by few,
unwittingly desired by all.

Birds singing from beyond my walls
always heard but never seen.

As I begin to wonder if the sound's just playing in my head,
my mind's desperate plea to be released from
the windowless box I keep it in,
the knocking starts--
pounding really--
slightly above my right temple.
I put my hand to my head as my body collapses to the floor,
I only know it because I am standing over it, peering as I watch my own eyeballs roll back.
I feel no pain
I feel nothing, actually, because I don't think I am I--
I am just my mind now
floating through the walls and joining the birds' songs--
I forget what I was thinking about before

I love you* I thought,
as you sat across the table,
wishing I could say it out loud
and grab your hand and cry.
but I laugh at my thoughts
because their validity is questionable:
wishing to say something
and wanting to say it
are completely different concepts.

when you wish for something
it’s out of your control,
a silent hail-mary pass
to a blind wide receiver.
but wanting something
is more than just an action or a feeling
it’s a state of being
that will overcome body and mind,
and achieving that want
is all that matters.

So I might wish
that I could say that I love you,
but what I really mean
it that I want to love you.
and that’s why I don’t say it.
because I know I don’t.

as if falling down the earth
with you wasn't enough,
you take my hand and
hold me close and
whisper real loud
all the words i love until
the breath leaves my lips
and leaves them cold and dry
and dizzying up my head
so the world spins faster
than my thoughts which is
so impossible that the possibility of
the impossible makes me
cry with excitement and makes you
hold me closer- so close that
for a moment you can hear my thoughts
and the moment after that you gasp
with amazement because you knew
my mind was different jumbled crazy
like i know too but it just happened so fast
to you all at once and you didn't expect it
so your mind suddenly went into
overload and fried the hard drive
of your brain
and your unconscious mind screamed in agony
and your superego was impressed by my id
and your ego just shook a finger and
mildly scolded my brain
for mildly scalding yours
and as you cooled down and
your eyeballs rolled back
you were suddenly a different person
that i didn't like
which made me wonder how anybody
liked me at all or ever but you did,
but now you're not you and
the old you is gone and
the new you is me and i am
nothing.

Standing three feet away from me
   on a crowded Barcelona street
   you studied the map,
         oblivious to me studying your face.
     Your pink cheeks, the straight bridge of your nose, the corners of your mouth, your  
     perfect left ear that brings my eyes to the ***** of your soft neck.
I longed for you on that street—missed you, urged for you
I missed you as if you were 3,000 miles away,
           a face on a screen, a voice through the phone, words on a page,
the urge is the same as you stand merely inches from my body,
close enough to smell
your scent wafting towards me mixed with the crisp Spanish breeze.
   I lean in closer as your gaze catches mine
   you smile slightly and reach for my hand
   I clutch it and squeeze tightly as your scent and the breeze tickle my arms and my chest.
my mind gets cloudy as we run past hundreds of different people
                 or maybe the street was empty,
         I don’t remember that day
         but I know that I missed you as you stood three feet away.

I am finally free from the ******* of my rib cage
the shallowness of breathing is no longer a hindrance
Life is no longer my keeper
and Death no longer the enforcer
I am the air
and I am the vacuum of space.

I wonder about the wind,
the one that
flows through the trees
moves the clouds through the sky
carries the birds off the ground
plays a song out my door
makes leaves spin in fall
taps on my window at night.
I wonder if it’s you,
surrounding me tight
pushing me to keep walking
brushing my hair from my face
whispering ever so quietly
that every thing will be all right.

"sí, sí, claro", digo,
cansada y agotada.
el sol se hunde en los arboles,
y mi cabeza quiere caer en la almohada,
pero no me permites,
"solo son las ocho y tres", te quejas,
"despierta, hablame."
ya he estado despierta durante casi 22 horas,
pero no te importas,
solo quieres mirarme marchitar despacio,
mira el dolor en mis ojos
y el temblor en mi voz.
pareces más viva como esto ,
casi puedo oir en tus pensamientos.
Entonces, quedo despierta, solo para tu placer.
Nunca me agradeces.

it's your look that gets me.
your eyes are spot lights,
concentrating only on the important people and things--
when they're on me i'm frozen.
I'm frozen and everything around me is changing
the actors still acting, the props being moved, the scene transitioning, the audience applauding,
but i'm still standing there
mouth open with nothing coming out,
stuck in your spotlight.

with all his strength and power he calls to me,
as enticing as ever.
his skinny frame taunting me,
filling my head with thoughts
magical and dangerous.
I reach out to grab him-pull him closer-
but my fingers pass through like a ghost.
and even though I know
we can never be together
I allow myself to dream of
the promises he makes,
the ever-unknown world he lives in.

mientras caí me dejaste.
me dejaste solo y de miedo.
pero conocí un otro.
él queda conmigo por todos los problemas y miedos y mierdas.
y tú regresas cuando es conveniente,
pero no es conveniente para mi.
entonces te dejo.
y a diferencia de ti, no voy a regresar.
quedo con el otro que queda conmigo.

Time drags itself, then
stands still, and hopes for Hope.

We measure time with a clock
and distance with a ruler
but nothing would be better
than being an hour closer to you.

I turn the hands back and ignore the ticking
tugging harder each past second
my hands bleeding as my grip tightens
and the ticking slows to a halt

I grow weary and climb through the clock instead
running through the gears and pushing them to turn faster
like a hamster on its wheel, I'm running,
not moving any distance but passing so much time

The sweat fills my mouth and stings my eyes
I know I'm closer because a ringing fills my ears
the faint sound of your voice seeps through the clock--
it's closer now as the gears are vibrating,
I'm shaking at the thought of being close to you,

And tired from the journey--
very tired,
more tired than I should be.

Your voice gets fainter and I start to think I past you,
I ran too far into the past away from you
and my body can't make it any more
The clock over-heats and I collapse,
my body spinning through the gears, crushed
with every passing tick-tick-tick-ti

it started with me alone in a field
it was somewhere in long island, I think
yeah, I know they don’t have fields
I was spinning real slow
well, more like normal speed but in slow motion
and my hands were ****** to the sky all dramatically
and I was wearing that white sun dress
  and then there was thunder that was really quiet and lightning that was blue
       and then I fell down to the ground
    and the tall prickly grass felt soft and warm and I was going to stay there forever
I remember that part because I screamed it real loud
           but then you come out of nowhere and just picked me up
and I was real mad cause I screamed I want to stay here forever and
don’t you know what forever means?
but apparently you didn’t cause you picked me up and carried me like Superman—
actually no, you dragged me by my left arm,
                                 I don’t think it hurt that much;
  at some point I looked up at you expecting caring & sympathetic eyes
but was startled by your ugly indifference—
           yes, indifference can be ugly, you know that—
      you dragged me for about an hour,
until finally we reached a lake and you let me look:
     it was a ***** lake,
        matching perfectly to the dark sky and unimpressive trees,
     and it went on for infinity which I thought was weird for a lake;
you helped me stand up,
your touch delicate but so firm,
and as we held hands and looked together at this majestic lake,
         the reflection of the cloud filled sky disappears,
         and I bend to get a closer look and I see that this isn’t a lake at all—
it’s a cliff.
  a cliff that stretches down for miles, no, light years,
   and I look at you in astonishment,
and instead of seeing your non-caring & sympathetic eyes,
you have no face
and your expressionless faceless head ***** to the side a bit,
kind of pensive-looking,
and at the same time I feel your delicate but firm hand in the middle of my back,
   and I feel myself falling forward in slow motion,
my feet slowly tearing away from ground,
  and I take one last look back at you
    and your face is back and looks caring & sympathetic at my body lifelessly freefalling
so I blow it a kiss and say I’ll see you soon
because I know when this is over you’ll be waiting at the other end
and I know it’ll be worth it to see your face one more time.

it was a pathetic dream.

My thoughts are empty
and my mouth is dry
my chest is heavy
and my eyes can’t cry.
you’re staring at me
waiting for me to speak,
so I shrug my shoulders
and shake my head,
would you understand that
the words I’m searching for
do not exist?
I take your hand and squeeze it tight
hoping you have learned
to read my mind.
I wish I could hold you
hug you and kiss you
run my fingers through your hair
and study your eyes.
*all I can give you now
is a promise:
that I loved you yesterday,
and I will love you tomorrow;
today my mind flows wildly
like dust from a supernova,
exploding into infinite space,
destined to form a new star.
a New love, a new spark of light,
but not today.
I promise I love you tomorrow.

We said we’d get around to it
always get around to
it Never stayed the same
and never made a sound of
appeal To me please
just this one time make me feel
alive or even just awake because
my bones are now eroding  
but yesterday they were young
rock My world just for the moment
and i’ll never come back it’s what
you want trust me i don’t break
promises Are meant to be kept
which i know and also that you
don’t You remember me? i’m the
one you wanted to be with  
yesterday I Ran from you
ran as far as tomorrow but
wish i ran back to yesterday
because in yesterday you
loved me or maybe it was
just pretend For the rest of
this poem that you love
me, ok? if you say yes this will go on
for days and those days
will be all we have because what
we had wasn’t anything worth
holding on to You is all i day-dream
about even though i can do it
if i want but it isn’t what you want
and knowing or thinking or both that fact
makes it empty, or, emptier than
it should feel Like i’m flying
and crying and smiling and
falling
             Down from the sky i catch
a glimpse of your face and
i blow it a kiss and say see you
later yesterday or tomorrow
or both or maybe it is Goodbye

you were curling my hair around your fingers and laughing at the shape of them
  or maybe you were just laughing at me,
         I’m not sure.
and then I told you I loved you and you smiled—
                  ok that didn’t happen—
what happened was you pulled at the curls you just made in your own hands
until they weren’t attached to my head anymore.
     it didn’t hurt, I think.
    and then you put them in your pocket and ran away
                                  and then you fell and she picked you up and put you in her pocket and ran away too.
then you came back and said whoops, sorry but you still didn’t give me them back
         I don’t know if I even want them back.
on the way to the place with the people and the things in the car you winked at me
or maybe you had something in your eye,
but I smiled and you said that’s fine so I cried for a little and then it was just us
but I was still scared she was going to put you in her pocket and run away again
     but you told me not to worry.
and then we were swimming in the pool
but then I looked down and it wasn’t a chlorine-colored blue
  it was red like the sun at sunset but it wasn’t sunset and there was no sun;
      I felt ok but you didn’t and you pulled a knife out from under the pillow—
               the one in your room—
and that’s when I finally realized you were going to be the one to **** me
and I also realized I was ok with it
because better you to **** me than some other shmuck,
you know?
      the only problem was I wasn’t the first one you killed,
or it should have been a problem,
or rather they all said it was a problem;
but it wasn’t.
and then we were rolling around in the grass,
and I lost an earring and you said whoops, sorry and I kissed you anyway
               but you didn’t kiss me back
but you pretended to and that was alright so I went with it
      but then you didn’t want to go all the way and I was ****** but pretended I wasn’t
and then you said shhhhhh and then you grew wings and flew away
and left me there for the birds to eat
while she grew wings to be with you so you weren’t alone.
and then we were sitting on your porch swing and it was swinging slowly
and you looked straight into my eyes for hours while I talked about nothing
but then you started to talk about something
and then I got really happy
and then we started swinging so fast that we were in the sky,
         but we weren’t, really.
and then she stopped the swing and picked you up and put you in her pocket and ran away again.
     this time you didn’t come back.
then I turned into ***** and told you I was ok with it.
                   and then I cried.
               and then I woke up.

the wind blows strongly and my tree branch shakes
but I hold tight anyway.
watching you for just one more minute
before I’m knocked to the ground.
I may have a concussion
but it’s worth it once I see you look down at me
concern strewn across your face.
you pull me up but I still feel like I’m on the ground
because the concern is gone and you’re walking away,
mumbling something angry with your fists clenched.
I try to run after you but my legs have disappeared
and screaming your name is impossible,
because somehow my mouth is sewn shut.
tears stream down my face and I silently ask you
why? why are you walking away leaving me like this?
you turn around and answer as if you read my mind
“it’s just too late for this. you missed your chance,
and now I’m taking mine.”
you shoot me and I die.