Sometimes I can't put these thoughts in my head
Into words so I can describe the feelings that I've felt
Because it is easier to argue with yourself
Rather than to explain it to someone else who you just know cannot help
But still I'm thankful that they are there
Because I know that somehow they care

Who says depression
Must be gray?

It's not

I see red
In the blood
From my cuts

I see,
Blues, greens, purples
In the bruises
From the
"Accidents"

I see white clearness
In the tears
From the sadness

I see orange and yellow
From the hot
Bursts of pain

So take it from me,
Depression
Is not simply
*Gray

have you ever thought that maybe i lied when i said i was okay?
have you ever thought that maybe i lied when i said i was getting better?
have you ever thought that maybe i lied when i said i haven't cut for months?
have you ever thought twice about something i said?
*have you ever ******* cared?

From Marlboros, and thinkin horribles,
Each time I think of you is another cigarette gone from my pack.

I start my pack full, I test the weight, loving the feel of a full pack in my hand,
But with every thought, they start to slip through my fingers like sand, and find their way home on my lips, where my tears just fall off and drip.

I started with 20, doing so far so good.
Wait whats that? you called?? there goes my mood.

A thought of you, a image plus two and then Im done with a few.
(17)

I choke on my fears, while I clench my hair
I called you my dear, and now im done with a pair.
(15)

Anxiety is something which I so not lack,
Giving my breath to this dwindling pack.
(13)

You feed my addiction being the flame,
my heart burns black, while it bears your name.
(10)

I sit and ponder on these thoughts I wish to behave,
Two more ignites, to feed the darkness in which I crave.
(8)

My pack is now dwindling low,
As I struggle to maintain a steady air flow.
How else can you sleep, when you've been hit with such a harsh blow.
(6)

I have clipped my wings,
after i have fallen oh so low,
in search of my name in your voice, but it is another mans love in which you sing.
This cigerette is now the only thing that glows.
(3)

(Braxton) I remember from where I came and god its a shame,
I just wish the addiction never screamed your name

Empty. Like my heart, the hollow pack crumples in my hands, wishing to be filled.
But the self destructive cycle repeats again, and again. .
And I begin my pack full, yet again testing the weight..

I'm not sad.

It's just that I wake up in the morning and I wish I didn't.
Every time I see a car zooming past, I also see myself in front of it.
I stopped crying because I feel like my tears are apologies for living.
They say it is only a vice but they will never understand how my blackened lungs serves as the only thing that reminds me I am alive just for the very reason that I am still struggling to breathe.
The clock is working but my time is frozen. I took its hands and put them in shackles.
My body feels a little heavy than usual as it fails to lift me out of my troubles.
I read a hundred different worlds from books and wish that I'm in one of them.

I'm all of these things...
                   but I'm not ******* "sad".