by definition,
lust is
extreme ****** desire for someone

by nature,
lust is
uncontrollable...
I'm attracted to my thirty-seven year old male teacher
and my eighteen year old male coworker
and the quirky girl who sits behind me in history,
what?

by religion,
lust is
a sin, punishable by Hell,
whatever that is.

lust is unavoidable,
but socially unacceptable to act upon.

calculate the derivative
of meaningless numbers and variables strewn together
somehow making up easier or harder variations of the same thing.
why do I give a **** about the derivative of the square root of sinx+1?
nonetheless it's easy, it's the chain rule twice.
at least calculus has laws and patterns to follow;
you weren't that simple.
I stayed up countless nights trying to extract some formula to count the stars I saw in your eyes,
at least until I learned that the stars in our sky died billions of light years ago.
your kisses began tasting like stardust you coughed up from the dying universe in your lungs but now you're coughing up cigarette smoke and binge drinking until you're on the wait-list for a new liver.
I guess it's kind of ironic that I only call you when I'm wasted off of cheap ***** or high as ******* some random's **** probably laced with god knows what.
fun new drinking game: take a shot every time you call me a hypocrite;
I guess I just care a little more about you than I do about myself.

sext: "want me to come over? I have blunts!"
why not, why not have over a guy who I met 4 days ago?
beautiful eyes, expensive car, ****

just the thought of my heart fluttering a thousand miles a minute,
the effects of the drug indistinguishable from my reaction to physical contact,
was enough for me to open my door (and my legs) to this boy

he was an okay kisser.
he (attempted) to pleasure me before himself.
he was confused as to why I didn't **** him.
he left right after he finished.
he hasn't texted me since.

we didn't even get high.

blasting A Day to Remember loud enough for the neighbors to hear,
she closes her eyes which burn like hell solely from a lack of sleep
(4 caffeine pills cannot replace 6 hours lying awake).
replaying in her mind is every ****** up conversation about her "problems",
her mom says "talk to me" but she doesn't know how to respond...
how can she confess to the woman who gave her life her longing for an end?
she doesn't say anything but her mind is a ******* mess,
thoughts of cutting,
thoughts of him,
thoughts of nothing.
she is going insane but at the same time she is numb.

she kisses her wrists with fresh razor blades,
leaving behind crimson valleys flooding with the universe.

he whips his shins with I'm not sure what,
leaving dark bruises that are much easier to explain than her cuts.

she cannot explain her reasoning,
the chills in her spine won't stop until she finds release.

he tries to make his father proud,
the voices in his head remind him of every time he's ****** up.

she cannot bear to be with someone as ****** up as herself,
but she is the only thing keeping him alive.

step 1: de·ni·al
noun
the action of declaring something to be untrue.
i thought about sending you an email today.
i got through four drafts before i quit.
i haven't talked to you in three months. i haven't deleted your messages in three months. i haven't stopped thinking about you in three months. my heart is still synced with yours. it stopped beating 131,487 minutes ago. please leave a message after the beep.

step 2: an·ger
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
i'm glad you're gone. you were a house but you were never a home for me. i've moved three times since i left.
you shoved your fingers down my throat and left me retching in the snow, excuses tripping on their way out of your cherry bitten lips.
you made me your slaughterhouse, blood on my hands and heart.
i am made of too many things, a conglomeration the size of a galaxy, thirty people sewn into my skin. there is a hole in my chest the size of your fist. please leave a message after the beep.

step 3: bar·gain
verb
negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction.
(maybe if i had loved you a little less you would have learned to love me back)

step 4: de·pres·sion
noun
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
i spent more time thinking about you than i ever did about myself. i'm not sure if this is selfish or selfless and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i hung up on you once and you didn't speak to me for a week and i'm not sure if this is love or hatred and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i haven't spoken to you in seven months. please leave a message after the beep.

step 5: ac·cept·ance
noun
agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.**
you told me that acceptance was the same as tolerance.
i don't think i believe you.
i haven't spoken to you in twelve months.
please leave a message after the beep.

intimacy,
his sweat sprinkling salt on my skin
so that I will never want
to open it.