I see clearly what you hide from.
give me danger give me comfort
give me something to hold onto when your words lose meaning
                                                   and when you don't want to call
or when the ground glows yellow in the late evening sun.
"stop kissing your cousin"
"stop pretending like you know how to exist"
                                                          ­            I'm smiling.
you're probably watching television.

barely a hand dipped into conversation and you're already questioning our friendship.
I know you like I know beauty, and smoke, entering your mouth from mine, reaching out like arms:
we held each other in older ways than we knew how.
                                                                ­                    (it came naturally).

I've passed good morning good afternoon and good evening
to meet you in the space between midnight
to meet you inside light                                to meet you for the first time as jesus
to try and forgive you for things I don't know about.

(I'd cut off your fingers if you asked me to, I'd cut out the jokes,
and I'd cut off my eyelashes,  I'd cut off  all my hair and
glue it to your face, your face) bursting out:
                                                            ­            Your Face.
it's the same as when we held hands in your fathers car
and when you pressed your lips on mine while you thought I was asleep
whispering: "I love you" as you backed away.
move closer. move away. move down the street. move out of state.

the coffee stand made me say "let's be friends"
and we were.
we were. we were. we were.


let's just say
(that)
                     I still owe people money.

I would love to find someone with the same stack of books on their bed-side table,
the ones they should be reading, but never do,
they're just too busy,
and they keep buying more,
adding to the stack.

I wouldn't mind drinking tea from a jar everyday,
the kind that you'd set in the sun to soak the day away.
I'd watch you from the window,
you'd smile and wave,
******* kisses,
the kisses that made me feel ***** when I woke up.

I would watch you fold the laundry
with your delicate hands,
all the time wishing you were folding me,
not caring about the neighbors,
or that the blinds were open.

I wouldn't dare give away those books,
the ones that we read together,
but I'd sell the ones you let me borrow that I never read,
I'll stuff them in my backpack and sell them for a buck a piece,
I bet you'll be sorry you left,
when you're missing those books,
those quotes,
I'll bet you'll be sorry,
when you're missing me.

i positioned my hair so that it wouldn't part in the wind or when I kissed you.
it made sense at the time to be enamored of something imaginary, i caught fish between my teeth and used toothpaste to get it out, used your fingernail to spread the minty flavor.
I told you lies so that you wouldn't touch me, but it was sad and unnecessary in the end
cold, without skin, i am only something you remember
and I parted my hair so that you could touch it.

the feeling of having you back in my arms,
the feeling of having you back inside of me,
I touched your scent with kisses until you fell numb,
having a seizure of joy in your mind.
i couldn't taste any remorse, but you were always good at hiding those sorts of things, and socks.

you can't hide feelings between the sheets
so we slept in separate beds and had separate dreams.
I wasn't sure why you cried at night,
and you weren't sure why I slept with earplugs
touching, but never feeling
used books on repair
second-hand gifts
back up plans
love

stretch out my arms
look back at my life:
mistake "I'm sorry"
scared "I don't love you"
death "yes please"
life "**** me now"

it's just a
phase. phase. phase. phase.

always:     the same.
                  changing.
a                   mess.

best friends become enemies when they know too much about you.

you're making me crazy without doing anything.
I wish you weren't. I wish we learnt
                                                         "how to learn?"
how to love how to breathe how to think
"it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter"

it should come naturally.
                                        it does come naturally.
stopthinkingyou'renotthinkingnowI'mthinking
but it's all about you. it's not about you.

forget the past like you'd commit suicide
                                                         ­       like you really meant it.
forgive the past like you'd be here tomorrow
                                                        ­        like you really meant it.
my face in front of your face
screaming everything I want to scream
without saying a thing.
my face looking forward
my voice shaking toward
                                           you.
I'mnotokayI'mnotokayI'mnotokay
"I forgive you" I'mnotokay
slam my head into the wall
"I forgive you" I'm not okay
rip my hair out
"I forgive you!" I'm not okay
                "you need therapy" I'm not okay
"you're not okay"

the room got heavy when I told you exactly how I felt about you.
I'm so glad I was alone. I'm so glad I'm alone.
"I feel so lonely"
                           "I can't take this"
the next morning: "[things you said that I won't repeat]"
"Are we friends?" TRUTH: ATTACKATTACKATTACKATTACK.

attack me again: it's my fault because I asked for it.
                           I still do.
too much fun. toomuchfun. STOP.
I'm bored.

boredom. consumption of boredom. consumption.

a fresh cigarette sleeps on my lips
my eyes are full of onyx and ink
my lips drip with rubies and ember apples
as i wait
i can still taste your fire on my teeth
and feel the bruises your eyes left on my back
every bite mark on my skin glows in the dark
stars the decorate my snowy universe
my hair glitters with the dust from Saturn that you sprinkled over me and my skin is iridescent from the plasma you injected into my pores
i felt your universe inside mine
and every star exploded
every planet crumble at our feet
galaxies shattered
the sky fell
and the sun lost its mind
when we were done you stole the night and wrapped us up in silky indigo
and whispered i love you into every surface of my skin

(it's impossible to make anything from words
it's impossible to **** without *******
moan without a mouth.
I'm not happy with your body or the way
you treat mine. I've had it I'm not me anymore-
I'm an alien, an name, a slowly disappearing breath in cold winter air

gentle, slow, inconsistent
kneecaps that hold every limb suspended by a tendon
tendon: it hurts, it's new, it's an excuse
excuse the coldness of my mind
minds molded from clay, hardened, and smashed into tiny pieces that look like dead children
children holding hands to face a man with a rake and two hammers
hammers to pound the right answer into our minds and out of our teeth
teeth gripping onto fingernails
fingernails gripping onto teeth
bitten rotten, bitten ******* short, smelling of cheese, and falsities
and
****)

**I put on my shirt and go to school.

I don't want to: see my reflection,
talk in riddles: see your reflection.
feel your eyes on me like tired boys
look at hot water and coffee grounds,
wishing they'd connect on their own.


I hate myself : I love myself.
All parallel and in between.

"let me get a good look at those lips,"
hands compete with tongues for beauty,
and feeling.

Like oil in water I'll pull you apart:
Together.

religion is dead
but the taste of butterscotch still lingers in my mouth.

I know it's freezing outside.
that's why I want you to hold me so bad,
it doesn't matter if it's you, it could be anyone,
but I know you need it just as much as I do.

I want to read you something
a little more meaningful than
a grocery list, and I want you to
smile more, but I want nothing to do with it.

I'm more situational than you seem to notice,
and I like how we can sit quiet and listen to nothing,
but I'd much rather hear your voice through the
haze of tension that seems to follow us, rather than
watch you sit alone on a welcome mat for depression.

I love you is a funny way of saying I love you,
but none of us really know what it means until
we know what it means, and I know how bad it
hurts when we lose what it means, but I'm sure
we'll find it again. Even if we have to be patient,
and scream a little, and **** someone worthless.

For what it's worth or how much you care,
I want you to know that I care, even if it's
only enough to dodge questions and push
boundaries and cross some t's or some lines.

You give me cold feet and hot cheeks,
but in the friendliest of ways.

there are too many pockets of air in between the fabric
of all my ***** clothes and
we can't leave our thoughts in
open spaces

like this

anymore.

it's like looking at his smile and seeing what he's trying to hide,
those things are much too personal to be slurred from one bathroom stall
to another,
you always forget about all the people who don't wash their hands until it happens right in front of you.

I keep comparing you to:
all the people from my past.
She keeps comparing you to:
all the people from your past.
I don't want to miss you:
like all of those people from her past.

She looks at you like a vacuum would
but she feels like blue skies and tastes
like creamer or hot chocolate, thick
as she is you notice how thin she is
and point it out, try and make her eat
some of what you have to say although
you really don't know what it is she
needs to hear.

"that's why they call it confusion, honey,"
I had never seen you turn to stone before,
topaz and diamonds, "but crystals have souls."
and you have no idea what I'm talking about.

when he touches you is it like gold?
eyes like prying words
scalpel,
tweezers.

******* look at me when we're talking,
like the soft skin of my back
and the orange marks you drew with a gun
back when we thought it was safe.
everything was safe.
cigarettes were safe.
it doesn't make sense.

they take longer drags than they should,
but their fingers are longer.
it makes sense.

you play this instrument
so that you can tell me the things you can't express with words.
you cannot make a sound yet
you have no feelings.
it's mixy
it's a     w    or
d.

you'll just have to trust me on this one.
no matter how tired you are.