It is war
A kitchen full of hungry guest
An audience of folks ready for experience in the physical sense
You sweat, bleed, love, and hate

It is sharing
In the most obvious state
Of emotion garnished on the plate
A lit cigarette on your break

It is satisfaction
Knowing you gave it all
Or at least pretending when the orders fall
Letting your instincts flow when you stall

It is passion and peer review
A drink with "The Family" after all is through
And each pint brings you closer to
A recollection of a memory

What do cigarettes smell like now
They don't smell like the burnt shallows of my heart anymore
They smell like a burning lung breathing in a poets mind

A soul uncrushed that once was
The moon rolled down our backs
I was so far from home and yet it felt comforting
To know you were the one to have what I lacked

A study of "Blue in Green"
A cigarette I hid from you when I left
The smoke trails flow with the piano
And settled when you took effect

I saw the blue in your green eyes when you said you must go
College only seemed to hold all my woes
I swore it off with the rising rage of a crescendo
But then again "Blue in Green" reminded me of home

Once again, I put paper to pen
I think of all the times I've wanted to quit
But there was still a rhyme scheme in my head
And oppritunity in bright seductive red

Off in the distance, but I can see it
Its only interested in poets with cranial diseases
It knows of self doubts and coyly plays
Among the pink labyrinth of our brains

She is beautiful and rare
She is destructive and snares
But she is momentum and change
A swinging gate of every phase

There is a man who has a large beautiful home
And a grand yard behind it
His sheets are made of Egyptian cotton
And he imposes his fit body onto them every night

On his bed he dreamt
The sky was quickly changing from pink, to blue, to grey, and so on
The ground was made of mirrors so he felt sorrounded by the clouds
He wasn't afraid even if it seemed strange
So he starting walking the set path in front of him

He came upon his house and went inside
And in it he saw nothing
And the nothingness hit him
He swore it off with anger
And went out to the large yard with shrubbery sculptures

The grass in the yard breathed
Ominously so
The ground had cracks but wasn't dry
And there was a spiral labyrinth

There were no trials in this maze
Only one task
To follow it all the way down

The entrance, stone with etched words he couldn't understand
Grew as he approached
And he felt the weight of the world like a roach
The hedges inside the labyrinth stared down on him

He felt the hedges stare all the way down
They dispised him for reasons unknown
And whispered
"What would you do in our shoes?"

At the center of the maze was a blood filled, oozing, heart
Every beat was slower than the last
And he understood it as his own
The sky turned a strict, brooding grey

Frantically, he searched his mind for answers
He blamed the people around him
"They're poison!" He shouted
But that couldn't be true

He wept, for he didn't know what to do to make the beating regular
And the hedges stared
And the sky closed in
And the whispers turned to shouts

Then it all stopped
The heart, beating
The hedges, staring
The sky, moving
While he was glad, he felt alone

But then it seemed the world spoke all at once
"Give us your all, we shall return the favor, and we will be one."
And he awoke in his beautiful home
And he wept in repentance

The cranberry dries my mouth
The *****, both demeaning and lifting
I am the rock and the hard place
I use nicotine to calm my storm

I feel the radiating heat falling off my engine
As I sit by and partake in a ritual passed on from men before me
The smoke hits my fingers and I know this is a religion that should be forgotten

In my mind im trying to prepare for a service to a community I betrayed
By getting behind a wheel while I was emotionally unvailable for those around me

A sense of accomplishment inside me for fixing this now radiating engine that sits besides me just a few hours ago
There's something to be said for hard work

I'm doing okay
I have a past, but it doesn't define me
It let's me know that I'm just as human as anyone around
And humbles me when that sense of accomplishment trys to turn into a beast of triumph that is above the world

The rain makes me ache with memories
Black coffee, your books, and my singing
You were something borrowed
I was something blue
Honestly, the rain reminds me of you

In spring I drank mostly wine
Listened to Buckley all the time
Constantly pestered you with the knowledge I held
Of a poet that was six feet under and very pale

But you'd listen

And in a sweeping moment I knew
There may never be a love like you
Your art spoke of this type of entanglement
And it seemed by the pictures it strangles quick

Yet, the world felt softer now I think it through
Because I'd rather go back than sit here and brew
This coffee taste black, cold, and shrew
This isn't what reminds me of you

According to me
Falling in love is a mid-tempo jazz swing
Where the air is chilly
But she is not

All I can see
I only have eyes for you and me
And I smile when the lights look bigger than they are

I could get along without you very well
But why would I squander such a grand tale
When you are here and very near
I can feel the swing ring in my ears

As we get older our mentality starts to shake
It's hard to not feel dazed
It's tiring to go the extra mile

When we were young the days felt great
We were thrilled by a gust of wind on a beautiful day

When did you last acknowledge the wind?
Fate is dead, but maybe that's ok
If you want to feel like a kid again
Take control of your fate

"Would you like to know my story?"
I sit across from a man far from boring
Like a noir film, the man was painted by his black silhouette
And tattooed on his arm was "Never Forget"

"I'm a bounty hunter, you see."
He said as the double bass bellowed
"There's not really a destination set out for me."
I could see that the nicotine had turned his nails yellow
And his face distorted as he remembered a past
A far off land where the moments would last

He told me about his life as a cop
And that sometimes he came to this jazz club to make the thoughts stop
He'd let the drums beat out his anger of a partner that left him for dead
And the piano would lift him back up instead

When all was said and done I told him "Good night."
Something felt different about my life
As I walked out the rain would start
It seems everybody can be a piece of art

Just wanted to know if I could go home
You've kept me here far too long
I've stood in the drunken downpour
While you berate me with your stubborn core

I miss all my friends and the ones that let me in
There's ink missing from my timid pen
Yet here you are to offer it back up
Right when the chaos erupts

And here we go again
With our sparks and our ends
Are we dancing for ourselves when the lights cave in
Or can we even distinguish the love we began with
Its just for us and all that we extinguish

You and I
You and I
You and I
All for you

White vignette dream
Someone came to me
They asked if they could have my child
And I said yes

We talked for a while a smoked a few cigarettes
It all felt so real, and different still yet

I couldn't understand what was going on
Why I was giving up my child
Why I thought she would be better off
But the deal was struck

We went to the hallway where she was waiting to leave
With her blue owl backpack, and I couldn't believe
What was going on
She started walking towards me crying
And it all moved so fast
She said "Bye" in the sweet, shy, shaky, and child like way she does
And I broke down
I wept on the floor
And I wish I could rember what that sounded like
Because that would be the most captured performance of pain

I want to meet somebody while on tour
A fellow musician that can see the whole
An open mind and a muse
A broken hand that lit a fuse

Love, love carries us
Not for more than an idea
A simple brush stroke away
From a smile that isn't out of fear

We wrap ourselves in kerosene
burn for those who care to see
What we really shine for
A lit fuse leading to what's in store

I still saw the hope in humanity
Even after my father went to jail
I still saw the hope in humanity
Even after we were broken into and were violated by those young men
I still saw the hope in humanity
Even after the twin towers
And I still see the hope in humanity
As I clean the broken glass up from my car
And I hope they needed that music equipment more than I

It saved my life and I hope it saves theirs

I need to tap into a root and find my own brew of amber tree sap
So I can examine it in a lab
The scientific method of my being and consciousness
Because you can't fix something until you understand it

The first step is locating the issue
Taking all the memories and flipping through them
To stop at the ones that incite my curiosity
And explains many atrocities

The second step is accepting what was
This is difficult because our culture doesn't like the past
"The past is the past, move on"
I reject the notion and say embrace it

The third step is constructing a mutual agreement between my body and mind
That my actions will not harm any part of mankind
And this includes myself

This marks the change

The fourth step is enacting the new self
Taking old books off the shelf
Spending time with all the new matter I've created
Cultivating a consciousness that will harvest good things

I'm starting to believe loves a terrible thing
Something you may never wish upon an enemy
I'm thinner in a metaphorical sense
And I wish you weren't on the fence

I can be too sometimes
Its only natural when you watch flies
Going one place to the next with no destination

All things must come to an end;
The day, the week, the minute.
Man counts the hour alone,
He stands upon his great throne.

I have counted all these things.
I have stood as all men stood.
Everything has lost its sheen;
I have done all that I could.

I think I like how it feels;
To lose each and every thrill.
To hold on by a small thread.
I walk with death as a friend.

Ill save you for when I get back
Monsterous potential for now I lack
But maybe just a little scratch
Of this bug bite so I can relax

No, it only makes it worse
A hot spoon on my skin could take the curse
Or maybe if I rid the flesh as well as sin
Give it up for the mess I'm in

Like God, I give and take
To myself, this creative stake
But block these things that must align
So I can stay within the lines

As it turns out, juxtaposition is the most powerful word
The sound of the word holds it all
The meaning of the word does the same
And in itself can describe our ways

When I say "our" I mean us. Humans.
Human emotion is profound
It's loud
It's soft
Juxtaposition
It's harsh
It's calming
Juxtaposition
It's all at once

The reason I bring up the word we've discussed
I hear it in music the most
An oxymoron in every note
But some songs are just opposed
And songs hit harder when they're juxtaposed

Life hits harder
When it's juxtaposed

We'd dream of Paris
In possibly, all the ways it has been already
But this one is ours

You sit in the grass reading on Delacroix
Speaking up every now and again to spike my mind with your alcoholic knowledge
And you would succeed in intoxicating me with your passion
As you always have

We take our time and get lost in the city
Spill our glass hearts full of wine at night and get lost in each other
Not in the dream, but the truth
After all, who's to say there would be any time

And if there isn't, I'm content in knowing that cheap wine is enough
And that books can be read on any grassy knolls
And as long as I'm in your fast, talkative presence
I could get drunk on your passion whenever you flow

I started smoking again
Tell me if you can relate
To the feel of a cigarette enveloping your brain
There's a chill that rolls down your body
Then a moment of slight pain
In the back of your throat, then your lungs inflate

A vice that's Juliet where I'm Romeo
We **** ourselves just so we feel grown

Or is it like a lover you've grown tired of?
But you can't quite quit when push comes to shove

No

It's more like a therapist when I need advice
That is the relation between me and my vice

Smile in the mirror to show yourself you're happy
Faking self esteem only gets you so far
But I can tell you what its like when you are laughing
You'll never see how beautiful you truly are

A year starts as a whole life
It moves to a ninth
Then, an eighteenth and you're scared for that life
A twenty-fifth wondering "Was I right?"
Before long a year draws on

They change and morph until you're only the same at the core
They go from fiftieths or more
And even though you've worried and mourned
Don't let a year stop you from walking through a door

There's a theory
     That when we die in one plane of life
We are brought into a plane where we are
                               Alive

                     It occurred to me
                       When you left
      I felt new and it felt wrong even yet

                        So just maybe
           I'm not used to this new body
      It explains why my steps feel sloppy

There's a theory
     That when we die in one plane of life
We are brought into a plane where we are
                               Alive

These fingers quickly till the dirt for words buried in my mind
I can write free verse or I could rhyme
I can make haiku
Though its not necessary
To portray my heart

Struggle, I have become; I'd like to find my voice.
Amongst many a great poet, I am the furthest ripple from the rock thrown in water.
The lowest branch on the red wood.

Don't believe in such tactics as motivation; a devilish dependency lies there.
No, it must be discipline that is fair.
To write strictly; to write deliberately; to write however I want in those ways.

"Yes, but did you see the way she looked?"
Motivation from the deepest nook;
Inspiration that sings rhymes.
Free verse couldn't emphasize.

Simply put, maybe there's a time and place.
For different styles, and different tastes.
Iambic signature, saving grace.
Freely spoken, unknown fate.

We met in 7th grade
You were as silly then as you are now
You were as sweet then as you are now
It seems my love wouldn't fade

You're hair was long and everyone told you how beautiful it looked
The thing that caught my attention though was your TMNT t shirt

It's weird how even then it felt like we were meant to be in each other's lives
It's odd how now I still feel that way
But it's stronger than friendship

I'm in love
And I don't think we will ever be together

Isn't it strange when someone smiles genuinely
And you'll feel your lips move involuntarily
There's this connection made
When happiness invades

Hello, cool air that carries news
From northern breathing trade winds
I've gone all night not sleeping
My stinging eyes make bad friends

My attention span is waning soon
My work will be so **** thin
I cannot stop obsessing
O'er my present next of kin

"Once I was-" and "Once I had-"
Don't pay me any mind
For I am just a sleepless boy
But with a man I'm intertwined

I need a confessional
So won't you listen to me
Cause I've had one too many to drink
And I'm not so sure
If this is what you would think
But its time I fell on my knees

And gave it all to someone
Who may not even care
And tonight you'll be that someone
Whose patience I dare

Yes I'm aware
That this is so selfish
But now was when it all came out
And I'm aware
That you don't really know who I am
But I'm ready for us to begin

Have I forgotten Autumn in a name?
Did I forget the warm blood in these icy veins?
Last year had I sung my last song on a floating memory?

Red leaves, red leaves
Falling trees, soon likened to me
Cool air on the breeze
Soothe voices that smoothly ease

Downed by the crack in the concrete
"I know its over" Morrissey sings
Oh mother,  I can hear my happiness coming back to me

The wind whistles
Here I am, me and my consciousness
Watching an old movie outside of common sense
I love you and I always have

I want to see if we can connect the old wiring
Let the electricity flow through the vein
It seems when I drink my words are more fluid
But here I am stuttering again

When I was a kid,
And I still am in many senses,
I sat in my room

I stared into the dark and conjured up monsters
I was afraid of them, but they were welcome
If the could play nice

I read books while they watched and threatened me
I played guitar when they'd stop yelling
They would hop on my shoulders
And I'd feel their weight
So, I worked out to make my body stronger

These creatures would get bigger and stronger just like me
At one point they were so strong that I wanted to **** myself at 18
That thought had always lingered though

They dug me a hole and called it a grave
They said they were going to throw me in
And I was terrified by that
And I wanted that feeling to go away

I asked them if they wanted to go for a walk before that happened
Perplexed, they agreed
And we went along

I got to know them and why they wanted these horrible things
They were just as confused about themselves as I was about me

We stood there trying to make sense of us as a group
I realized that we were, in fact, a group
We always have been
We always will be

I'd forgotten that they were just as lonely as I was when I was in my room
I'd forgotten that they forced me to become stronger
I forgave them in that moment
A moment suspended in my reality

I chewed my fingernails down to the bone
And when you moved your lips I listened
With intent to understand your tone
And see your smile glisten

I won't do this any more
You can't make me want it
You can't make me need it
And the shakes got worse

I might do this some more
If you can make me want it
If you can make me need it
And I'm so terrified

Of what's to come
And how it was
Before you left
And all the voices collapse inside my head

They scream out
"This is your escape"
"This was something you made"
Its tragically beautiful, and clinically insane

But so are you
And you can stop wanting
And you can stop needing
And you can finally be free

Your anger pushes me away
I don't think you see all the little things it does to me
I know it's hard to understand
Why my anxiety keeps me at bay

But can't I breathe?

Can't I take a lung full of fresh air and turn it into the world?

Your anger pushes me away
And I don't think you see that it makes it hard for me to stay

I mourned my childhood; that daydreamin' boy of the past walking in the woods with friends.
Sweet child that knew no bounds.
This laughing kid with his head in the clouds.
**** the dreams that flew away; given my chance, in that past I would stay.
A eulogy for the electric being I once was; no current was ever strong enough to hold forever.

Down a winding trail I stood;
Looking back on the way I came.
A blue bird sang in suburbia.
A younger me walked in the rain.

What a free day that must have been,
Or is it simply my imagination?
We walked down the path together;
The road of our summer vacation.

The rain has dried; the dirt now cracked.
Easier to move on than look back.
Our path now gone, and terribly overgrown.
Still, we always know this was our home.