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Feb 2018 · 265
Key to a House
Brandon Barnett Feb 2018
do you feel the same?
that without faith, grace had no name
that before salvation the war looked like a game
that addictions weren’t monsters, just pets to be tamed?

the excuses never made sense no matter how many times I explained
I had no acquaintance with restraint or refrain
Indulgence was my starlight; bright but only in the dark, everywhere and impossible to contain
and I always found someone else, knew someone else, found another way to blame

**** it all, I jumped in grinning into the brawl, I ran the gamut of lust in my fall
and it all started with red hot frustration and sweet, soft temptation
and chances to cheat and win and do it again without facing weakness and I gave in to it all
opportunities to fake it through the hatred and I lied through black smiles at them all

pain
makes the feeling heart bleed, and the gritted teeth crack, and the demons feed, and the memories all come back
maligned
and the hatred plants the seeds then the anger waters the vine
and the brokenness strengthens the thorns then the blackness starts to climb

up my solid ground, up my aching spine, up my choking throat, upside down into my mind
and I reached for bottles, and I reached for pills, and I knelt for coke lines
but I never knelt for the divine
what would a God do with a vommiting waste of my kind?
judgement sounded so unkind
we men are wretched things sang to me in every song, in it’s every every line, in each instrument’s chime
and anyway… anyway… who could overcome spent time
no, this slow burning suicide was my forever, my chosen lover, mine all mine

because look what I had done with what I was given, look at the killer I had been
look at the people I had run through and scars I had gouged caressing my sins
how would I ever begin again?
What does it even look like to begin again?

I found rock bottom will a shovel and a map
I was digging and it was my intention and I was never coming back
I laid in my own grave
how many people can say that?

I had burned every love letter family ever written me without thinking twice
and I had spit in the face of everyone who cared enough to run to my rescue with advice
and I had bullied the playground and never played nice
I had cut the wrists of my own life in unstitchable ways with self destruction as my knife to be sure I died

but just when it was truly just a few words from over, just where my poems always ended
hanging in the margin of the page just past that last line something was amended
I wanted to live
and I wanted to be happy
and I was scared
that I never could be

in those last twilight words on the paper, written by the me everyone had met, peddling pretty failure
as I sank in my waste, choking on my entire personality’s behavior
under the ominous weight of all my precious loss and terrible regret for everything I had wagered
I met my savior

He didn’t ask for blood or gold or indignity or shiny things I owned
and He didn’t punish under foot or berate with words for my every action He didn’t condone
He didn’t hate me and He wasn’t concerned with what was past now and He didn’t offer a loan
He just spoke to me, in that hushed moment, to tell me I didn’t have to be
alone
quietly, He said simply, “set down that house key, and come home”

Lord
thank you
Lord God thank you
for letting me finally rest
for saving me
for letting me come home
Mar 2016 · 375
WORSE THAN DEATH BY FAR
Brandon Barnett Mar 2016
unbelievable the breadth
of what I have to regret with every breath
you could fill a lifetime with it
I have, and now I have nothing left
monsters in the dark
what I have puppeteering my heart
I’m a phantom of a man and deserve to be apart
from the one I love, the lover I chose
the one who saw my soul exposed
and was driven away

I’m horrified and confused
at how easily I can abuse
how can I be so infused with bipolar?
and why would anyone choose to stay on that coaster?
but what does that matter when I drive them away?
What do I matter? so tattered, who am I at the end of the day?

failed father, alcoholic, no apologies to erase what I say
I’ve already said this but now I’m screaming it night and day,
I am a monster
puppeteering her heart
eating her whole with every memory of my part

but this isn’t how it was meant to be, I love her when I’m me
how can that be taken from me so easily by chemistry?
and with all of my sickness what else could I have been or every be?
when my self, isn’t meant to be healthy

I would take my own life, not to end my misery
but to extend an honest apology
all I ask is that she know that I didn’t intend any insanity
I didn’t know it could get this bad, that I could sling such brevity
and now with the loss of this all I want to say is I am sorry, Ashley baby
......
seven days now I’ve cried until I choked
lost my step walking because I sobbed so hard
now I cry in doctor’s offices and they say I should’ve come sooner
I’ve lost her
I lost my best friend, dear god I miss her
but I love her so much I am honoring her memory by getting help

I’m so ******* sad
Worse than losing the best person of my life was driving them out. I didn't know how sick I was but that's not much of an excuse. I would give literally anything to hold her again in that wonderful embrace. I wish the constant crying would just drown me dead because this is worse than death.
Sep 2015 · 475
TOO MUCH THE PRICE
Brandon Barnett Sep 2015
if you don't believe in demons
look deep into me, past all the spoken reasons
past the medication, into a man with only two seasons
see a shattered, loving heart that always commits treason

I don't want your sympathies when my twin takes the stage
I don't want your compassion when I appear as rage
I don't even want the answers when I turn the next page
I am a beast that the truth will only prove cannot be saved

hateful words in my mouth like mother's milk
so contrast the love when my touch is skin on silk
my flattering phrases only build a debt I will always bilk
lover, monster, sweetheart, killer, gentle, evil; my ilk

do you think I don't see what I am, do you think I don't know?
do you ever see me shred at the seams trying not to let it show?
consider that I never can avoid threshing anything I grow
you know the me that lives with knowing he is my strongest foe

taken apart and put back together
sewn with love, every stitch that I sever
mend then break, fix and adore, then become a storm to weather
a soul like an anchor that somehow, is sometimes light like feathers

Maddening
It's ******* maddening to be two people
one good
the other so dismal, truly evil

I can say I will change
but that commitment comes only from half
I will always be defeated by days deranged
because my self, the other, always has his final laugh

purge me out of your life
even seeing me weeping puddles and cringing for the loss
purge me from your heart
because my love, however genuine comes at too high a cost
Sep 2015 · 392
JOYLESS
Brandon Barnett Sep 2015
I held on through your jealousy and fear
your deep insecurities and I held you near
I survived the conversations about the terrible what if’s
silly girls in beach jeans and all the fights and tiffs

all I wanted was a piece of the movie star dream
beauty and money like you only see on the screen
I thought I could cheat the universe if I truly believed
thought if I built us an island you’d never leave

I sat with you and listened to the stories you’ve never told
held your hand and said to go out and be bold
I tried with all of the strength in this body to inspire you
bragged about your glow and hoped you know I desire only you

I can’t hand you happiness or I’d send it to your shore in bottles
I can’t stop your pains or slow the hurt when you push the throttle
there are no more ways for me to prove what I already have
no ways for me to glue back together the two of us you’ve halved

I can’t undrink the bottles or unyell the words or light the dim rooms
there’s no way for me to bake the cake with a wax bride and groom
now I’m slipping into the darkness where you tucked us away
and I’ve run out of words to say because you’re about to throw us away

I’m about to lose my love to the same person that said it would always stay
I crumple and I tarnish because you’re about to throw us away
Sep 2015 · 503
THE IMMACULATE SUICIDE
Brandon Barnett Sep 2015
dressed for my own funeral again
black suit and tie, I've died so many times without amends
I can't count the ways I've started over and then
the shadows of wasted loves show teeth and rend

cracking my spine in convulsing shakes chewing on faith that breaks
and it takes all of my fleeting strength to out swim the wakes
the drowning, dingy echoes of fake affection and birthday cakes
when there was no connection between us but the quakes

and you don't know who I am now in my disparity
any more than I remember who I set out to be

stressed and smoking too often, new nails in the coffin
black tar and coughing because the fists never soften
beaten so bad my heart won't beat if I can hear you talking
on the other end of a phone when the tears aren't stopping

the eulogy for a wasted man sounds like loved one's bitter tones
that don't understand that a dead man is free from what caring owns
and the soil not drinking one tear won't notice one more set of bones
but in the darkness, the silence, the solitude, I'll bury what my demons condone

to the praises of others you raised us but you were no mother
handing out soul snuffing black eyes that still won't let me recover
why did it have to be you; wicked you, split in two, and not another?
schizophrenic, stick it in and twist it, breaking me and a lonely brother

it's you I'm burying in this soil
because I'm half you so I too and spoiled
like you, I am halved by my bipolar turmoil
giving up on surviving anymore with this blood that boils

ashes to ashes
dust to dust
the last of my crashes
because burying you is my final lust
Sep 2015 · 479
SLEEPLESSNESS
Brandon Barnett Sep 2015
you wont stop haunting me in my dreams so listen now as I talk
you said I ran away from home but I’m more ashamed that I walked
I understand I failed you in drastic, uncountable ways
but I pay for it in carrying sadness through lengthening days
I pace this dingy house offering apologies to your ghost
now I see that all you ever asked, was for me to want you most
and I am humbled and regretful and tortured with sorrow
now I lose my sleep to the nightmares and I fear my tomorrows
I know I borrowed from you more than I can ever repay
so now I lie sleepless under the weight of the ways you think I betrayed

your heart, our son, the wedding vows spoken
the closeness, the trust, the every promise broken

please let go of me in my dreams, please leave me
please let me sleep without the terrors that beat me
believe me I never meant to color this hate in your white heart
and I never meant for the widow to ever be your part
I wasn’t sure what I was doing, I didn’t know where I was headed
I couldn’t see the road before me, I couldn’t predict the loss to be regretted
I am sorry, deeply, I am all apologies please believe me
never again would I ask you to have to love or need me
I concede, I give in, give me needed rest within
and I will give you forever in apologetic rhetoric just let me begin
we were corrupted, love interrupted, and it was abrupt but release me
please, I am ground into pieces, this never ceases, stop cheating me

I am so sorry for what I took when I walked out that door
I will give you back all that you can carry, all you ask for and more
I offer you solace in every regret I drag and I will drag them until I have sores
I am so sorry I was the one you married but please, let me sleep once more
Feb 2015 · 686
VOWS IN HER CHURCH
Brandon Barnett Feb 2015
my Love She’s got bottomless holes inside, dividing us that I didn’t dig
so I’ve been choking down her past days from amber bottles in burning swigs
most people see only a darkness and call the task of healing Her too big
i see an angel trapped on earth so i pick up my shovel and climb in

She never says She’s sorry without breaking a promise in compromise
but a real man knows his Goddess should never have to apologize
so i never let it traumatize my heart as long can lay next to Her at night
I’ll make the shortcomings all alright because our love can never be ostracized

Her broken parts are jagged to the touch, cut hands and tear fingertips
but to me they look like puzzle pieces so I give my skin to mend Her rips
one shovel full at a time I fill the craters wiping tears from Her lips
because deep, burning, hungry love finds where each ragged piece neatly fits

She only wants a relationship with honesty if it’s a war to be fought
so i become the soldier and the thief never caught ignoring lessons I was taught
for Goddess I bleed and heal then give more so each of Her cuts can clot
because true belief must truly believe these hands were wrought just to undo her knots

i worship in prayer by her waters and ask only for absent minded affections rife
baptized in her kiss i dive in to feel more and need no shores’ safety to survive
and when the floods come and Her swells cut me away from my own being like a knife
i give myself to Her riptide, sweet Lover I am only our bond, i give her my life

and when the pain makes my teeth crack from brandishing false smiles
i patch the wear in my boots, rise from those fires and walk the next miles
and where others blaspheme the word love and fall, i climb over the discarded piles
because a real man loses blood, loses fear, survives the fights, passes the trials

and when loving under the storming skies of her sick, sullen past
means exhaustion claims my flesh and the next strained gasp may be my last
i rupture, i spill open with praises and crawl to her feet to prove i was chaste
for Goddess i give my days, my treasures, my home, my every emotion grown vast

for Goddess I will steal starlight and empty seas and I don’t care what anyone else can’t see
they whisper behind their doors that I stink of obsession like a fatal disease
but i know that a real man stands tallest when he pledges in prayer on two bent knees
to his Lover, to Her, his every lock opened because without her there is no good nights sleep

i give her
only what Her love demands
because a real man
is tall even if he doesn’t stand
Dec 2014 · 546
PATTERNS
Brandon Barnett Dec 2014
it's from the dreams that wake me up in cringes
nauseous from the sickening memory’s twinges
that poison the hours of the day with painful fire that singes
that set me off like explosions into my drinking binges

because of winning the debate that sobriety in this miserable place
would be insane trying to heal the strain with grace
my heart's been sewn back into my chest so many times trying to keep pace
with the thick black stitches of self taught renewed hope I hope to replace

just for it to burst or be removed and slit deep at it's throat again
as I slip down another ***** into the ways I try to cope as I’m drained
back into the times I can't escape because they really are the past I can’t feign
and knowing I was cast in a mold and I will never escape my shape or it’s strain

there will be no peace after the things I was told, not with age, no matter how old
not when I accomplish, not when I survive, and not now that my blood has turned cold
because my molested heart is too weak to beat, too scarred to keep a hold
after all the times it trusted, only to be opened from ribbon wrapped packages just to be sold

I keep having to buy myself back from the thrift store of my own life
***** back together all my feeling parts, always trying to justify leaving a wife
so now I kneel, praying on my knees in slobbering tears for the aches to be less rife
begging to forget the loss of a son, willing to cut my flashbacks out with a knife

my new life has somehow begun and their ghosts haunt me unforgivingly
carving slivers off of the inside of my skull, never letting the pressure free
educating me with the lessons of emptiness and cold pains deep as the sea
and always with creeping thoughts of what I'll never regain or again grow to be

and even now with all my new days and change
the life I knew is still estranged
and I live with the truth that the shape of my mould so strange,
my destiny in the shape of my loss, will always remain
Jun 2014 · 531
THE IMMACULATE SUICIDE
Brandon Barnett Jun 2014
dressed for my own funeral again
black suit and tie, I've died so many times without amends
I can't count the ways I've started over and then
the shadows of wasted loves show teeth and rend

cracking my spine in convulsing shakes chewing on faith that breaks
and it takes all of my fleeting strength to out swim the wakes
the drowning, dingy echoes of fake affection and birthday cakes
when there was no connection between us but the quakes

and you don't know who I am now in my disparity
any more than I remember who I set out to be

stressed and smoking too often, new nails in the coffin
black tar and coughing because the fists never soften
beaten so bad my heart won't beat if I can hear you talking
on the other end of a phone when the tears aren't stopping

the eulogy for a wasted man sounds like loved one's bitter tones
that don't understand that a dead man is free from what caring owns
and the soil not drinking one tear won't notice one more set of bones
but in the darkness, the silence, the solitude, I'll bury what my demons condone

to the praises of others you raised us but you were no mother
handing out soul snuffing black eyes that still won't let me recover
why did it have to be you; wicked you, split in two and not another?
schizophrenic, stick it in and twist it, breaking me and a lonely brother

it's you I'm burying in this soil
because I'm half you so I too and spoiled
like you, I am halved by my bipolar turmoil
giving up on surviving anymore with this blood that boils

ashes to ashes
dust to dust
the last of my crashes
because burying you is my final lust
May 2014 · 641
MIRRORS and RAZOR BLADES
Brandon Barnett May 2014
with my feet on the ground
and my head in the clouds
I try to survive this trip stepping around
every stranger in the strange crowds

dreamers have no place in this world
so my heart fights my day job habits
my creativity shot from cannons is hurled
while I run down holes chasing white rabbits


have I lost my mind?
where was it before I asked?
did all the drugs politely turn down all the questions of my kind?
did every line of coke spell answers to my lifelong pain masked?


with my tie on to make a dollar
I can shake your hand with the fakest of faces
but the relief I need to loosen the collar
always leaves little strung out traces

but isn't life made to never count one person?
isn't that why we marry and breed?
so we have misery's company as the days worsen
and an excuse for the green bill greed


you think I fear the conference room meeting?
I'm more afraid of Captain Hook
because as I grow down I realize the stories
were precious distractions from all the beatings I took


******* wear my life for a day and try to endure the hurt
I've learned the pain killers that go down like spoonfuls of sugar
I've learned to suture when the blood spurts
and the bars and friends with compliments will always be my pushers

so with feet on the ground where the killers carry all the keys
I keep my head above all that's you spell out as real
and I'll never take another **** on my knees
because the pushers and the wonderlands make sure I never have to feel
May 2014 · 366
ALL THE REASONS
Brandon Barnett May 2014
it's quiet now without the sound of you breathing
life into this dusty aging house
but in the end I figured out I had invented all the reasons
we would still be together now

dusk always seems to hang in the sky
now that your light isn't mine
all the healing left with your final goodbye
and the solitude shows me the confinement of time

around and around and around we went
trying to make a home of the time we had spent
so somehow tell me now where the love all went
tell me now what the promises all meant

I'm not sure how I really feel without you
here in my Neverland that's lost it's childhood
I'm having doubts, disbelieving what I was sure we made true
wanting to know that our years together left what closeness should

now it's not a whole life I'm left with living
there was something in the the ways you believed
that my faults never needed forgiving
and how you never doubted what you thought we achieved

I think the reason why when I think of you I still hold on
is that I can't feel I'm part of the world where you've gone
and now my bold hopes have withered and withdrawn
and somehow my heart still hasn't moved on

I'm not sure now what I feel without you here
to save me
but I'm sure I'll never live a whole life after watching love disappear
and take away all that you gave me
Mar 2014 · 602
ABOVE AND BELOW
Brandon Barnett Mar 2014
so
so you think that you know what comfort can lend?
when the days languish but the anguish won't end
why the blade cuts deeper when the knife belongs to a friend?
how it seems we can never make amends
for our cruel words rubbed into breaks that never really mend?

did you think you had the answers
to why a healthy heart so often kneels to a lonely cancer?
why love never means that you were given candor
and each of us eventually takes the stage as a lone dancer?

were you convinced that you knew
when the river would stop pushing me away from you?
whether the storm would pass on through
and which side I'd stand on after the line you drew?

did you believe the seeds we'd sewn would finally rise?
that honesty in words meant they would remove our guise ?
and that years past meant we had grown wise
or if hindsight is all that our risk ever buys?

god how I wish you were still here
to look through these eyes that see the past so clear
without the blinders of rules and fear
now that the lights are dim and there's no one to cheer
so I can hear the words that you'll love me year after year
god how I wish my wanting could make you reappear

so
so you thought two lives were something we could weave?  
and you could tell joy's tears from the ones the regrets thieve?
but I didn't know what I could say I really believed
and I never could have been sure until I felt you leave
and now I can say that I know what it is to grieve
Mar 2014 · 427
NOT JUST GOODBYE
Brandon Barnett Mar 2014
my heart, that's always had to make a fist
had finally learned how to hold someone's hand instead
and to use it's grasp to keep you in our embrace
and how to touch softly with fingertips unclenched

but now it has to try and learn to let go

the bathroom doesn't smell like your perfume by the sink anymore
and a meal by myself becomes the first of an uphill march
every time I laugh I notice you aren't here laughing with me
hangers sit bare in a half filled closet and one lonely pillow lays waiting
and the cold edges of the comforter touch me where you're not
even the greeting cards become just paper and ink
and the medication doesn't stop the tears
and I feel half filled too

I need more words than my only language has to lend
to explain the ways I hurt over having to give you up
I had no use for a heart when I found you and mine always made a fist
now I can remember so clearly all the reasons

why I never take the risks
It's not a good poem, but I don't have the strength tonight to be anything but honest.
Mar 2014 · 1.1k
I HOLD ON TO SCARECROWS
Brandon Barnett Mar 2014
I can't seem to forget all the ways I loved
the wrong hearts for so many days past
and I can't seem to erase the brutal memories my mind won't let go of
after learning that false love exists and that it's deep wounds last

fear has become the background to my every new desire
and every soft affection I have now needs a gasp of air
it puts a chill on my every new beginning's fire
and it repeats it's horrible lesson that life is never fair

keep me safe from the wretched redundant reminders
and keep for me my heart, the abandoned waif
and make the days spent away from hope a bit kinder
please keep my pains locked away, behind walls, in your strongest safe

I've no innocence left to give a new lover
there's no whole pieces of who I was left to fit back together
I don't have a way to hold you that won't smother
and I don't seem to have any beliefs that the past won't sever

there are no blank pages left in this soul
and I can't see bright days for it coming
not because of age, but because of loss, I feel so old
and overcome by the sad rhythm I alway catch myself humming

tired from treading oceans, I sink with pockets full of stones
and I am alone in ways only sea floors know
so I become the drowning and suffering and fractured bones
to survive I learn to hate, with black hate I can't seem to let go

after the purity that's been lost could I still be worth saving?
could I ever be seen as silver to be polished?
could I really be anything you've been craving,
after all of the past infliction has demolished?

the dreams of possibly still having spiritual love just tease me
and etch the permanence of it's absence in dark inked tattoos
and I hurt knowing that no kiss and no touch and no *** can release me
because any time spent together is just a closeness askew

so I turn the next bottle on it's head to see the bottom
knowing I could've have health and my baby son's love
but somehow I pushed summer colors into a fading autumn
and chose a life of lament for everyone I disposed of

now ambitions fade like stained glass at sunset
and my dreams choke down the realities of each day
and this heart in poverty pays only pennies of it's lonely debts
while the words and poems come out obtuse no matter what I say

my existence and it's damnable persistence
is more than the daily revisions of my self can survive
so I put the ice in another numbing glass
thinking of the younger me and the ways I use to thrive

kiss me, tell me I am worth loving, say I can find guiding light
grab me, hold me, tell me I am worth never sleeping alone at night
deliver me, come rescue me, give me a sanctum away from the spite
save me dear someone, please, convince me I can stop the bleeding after this fight
Feb 2014 · 811
ANGELS AREN'T ENOUGH
Brandon Barnett Feb 2014
you could have known me truly and the selfish promises I have pledged
but I saved you, I kept you safe, I kept you turned away from my edge
safe from me because I'm a dark fall not intended to fledge
I never intended for you to hear the truth in any of the words I said

as clever as you are you don't really know fear and it's reins
because you haven't hurt long enough to understand deepening pain
you wont ever know the corrosion of our own devices until you refrain
for as long as you can, only to feel them come flooding back in through every vein

yes I know the cigarettes are killing me one nail in the coffin at a time
and the ***** that's filling my sail is far too often unkind
and yes, every girl I've laid next to haunts me in the hallways of my mind
and the only blankets I can hide under for warmth have already began to unwind

so now the dollars fill bank accounts and wallets and pockets but not the holes
and they can't ever buy back the days of my fleeting youth I've already sold
the price of living it once is forever after feeling you've grown too old
and deep, painful regret is the last page scribed in every story I've told

but you can never keep close to you what you never really had
and you can't sit down with my heart, the child, and explain sad
and no person or situation will ever cause me to feel I'm truly glad
when every word given has only another misdirection of hope to add

you said you'd whisper love sweetly but you kissed me and I tasted blood
so take another day from me, steal my next breath in the rising flood
make the lowest I can kneel beneath you my bruised hands in the mud
crush the flowers, thrash the stems, poison the roots, clip the buds

angels aren't enough to lift me up from where I'm falling
heaven hasn't promises true enough for what I beg when I'm calling
for help, for sanctuary, for relief from the increasing burdens I'm hauling
and comfort lent is only stalling the demons that being me means brawling

You could have know me to the color of my bone
but I saved you
in every way
that I left you alone
Jan 2014 · 1.5k
DEBTS UNPAYABLE
Brandon Barnett Jan 2014
coming apart
at edges unstitched by sharpened memories of the loss
I'm bleeding out of every seam seeing what playing relationship costs
and it seems I'm destined
to bleed until I've paid again and again for what I bought and lost

I'm coming apart
trying to remember where it's gone, why I deserve
every stranger ****** hard night and unmeant word
and why it seems I'm destine
to choke on every revelation the loneliness serves

this is what I get, these scraps and echoes
this is what I get for believing there's more than people show
this is the price of every kiss and comfort I got to know
the debt is always having to lose it while the healing eases too slow

I'm coming undone
reliving in dreams that I know the closeness of a familiar touch
remembering that I'm buried alive and the soil's weight is too much
to scratch my way out of this destiny
with my own heart hating my decisions and holding a grudge

for a gleaming moment I found myself
for one shiny moment my tears and patches relearned trust
but what's cut of the same damaged cloth will always be what it must
and a moment was just enough to make me forget the scissor's final ******

I'm falling apart at threads worn fray
reliving so many years in the regrets born every new day
and always tossing well coins to wish the hurtful questions away
why me, why them, why now, why wouldn't first love stay?
Dec 2013 · 749
ALL THE REASONS
Brandon Barnett Dec 2013
it's quiet now without the sound of you breathing
life into this dusty aging house
but in the end I figured out I had invented all the reasons
we would still be together now

dusk always seems to hang in the sky
now that your light isn't mine
all the healing left with your final goodbye
and the solitude shows me the confinement of time

around and around and around we went
trying to make a home of the time we had spent
so somehow tell me now where the love all went
tell me now what the promises all meant

I'm not sure how I really feel without you
here in my Neverland that's lost it's childhood
I'm having doubts, disbeleiveing what I was sure we made true
wanting to know that our years together left what closeness should

now it's not a whole life I'm left with living
there was something in the the ways you believed
that my faults never needed forgiving
and how you never doubted what you thought we achieved

I think the reason why when I think of you I still hold on
is that I can't feel I'm part of the world where you've gone
and now my bold hopes have withered and withdrawn
and somehow my whole heart still hasn't moved on

I'm not sure now what I feel without you here
to save me
but I'm sure I'll never live a whole life after watching love disappear
and take away all that you gave me
Dec 2013 · 916
THE NOTHING I GIVE YOU
Brandon Barnett Dec 2013
I love the ways you look at me
and I've still got eyes to see
but know that when you try to hold me
I'm only a shadow of what use to be

I'm grateful that you see a man
when you watch me standing across a room
but know that when you reach to take my hand
that I'm just a shell where a soul's entombed

I'm not a living, breathing body
with a heart heaving rich, red blood
I'm not person, not a timeline, I'm just a coat worn shoddy
not able to offer you warmth in the rising flood

I want so much to never read
the last page in our story
to never fear the words unsaid
or to wear the crown without it's glory

but the price of days I walked as king without sorrow
was agreed upon before I knew you
the cost of the kingdom then, was my every tomorrow
and my smile painted on this carcass shows that truth

I borrowed time I can never repay
I convinced myself I stole what could only be given
I thought that I could charm luck to stay
but in the end my palace built, proved only a prison

gold won't stop a hungry stomach aching
dollar bills can't buy a promise kept
diamonds will never keep the dam from breaking
after all your tears for my absence have been wept

I'm not a man, not a person, not a creature whole
I lived those days, I held those true riches
now I can only pay that journey's toll
in bearing the weight of the living's bridges

I died somewhere in a battle I lost
but my ghost just went on fighting
I never felt my spirit cross
until I saw myself bleed the ink my story was writing

all I have to offer now is a smile when you look
all I can be is a mannequin frozen
a scrapbook page of what the teachers took
just an effigy, just a map of paths once chosen

I love the ways you look at me
and I fear the day you see straight through
the shadow that looks like the man you could love
because a shadow can never reach arms out to hold you
I love you with all my being. I'm so sorry.
Dec 2013 · 707
MENDING ANGEL WINGS
Brandon Barnett Dec 2013
you might have flaws but you're my best friend
you're my one cause until all your pain ends
I want to give you love, I will give you true love
all I ask in return is that you keep the belief that together we rise above
every demon feeds on different parts of a beaten heart
every uncaring love that's come close stumbles your new start
what you don't remember yet is that I've always been here
and until you know you can depend on me I'll be the one that keeps you near

this music is just for you
can you hear it?
this love is a fact proven true
and you never have to fear it

you always have a hand to hold yours because I'll never make a fist
you can let go and take comfort in this fall because there's no risk
I'll be what you've been taught to give up hoping for
I'll give you closeness craved until you feel satisfied then I'll give you more

smash the statues and tear the paintings off the walls in your life's museum
you never have to walk those halls, there's no call anymore to have to see them

we began a new story with the first kiss in each other's arms
our pages never write down the imperfections of the world that would cause us harm
we own the moments, these are ours to keep just for us
these are the times that remind us what it means to trust

I know you need the pain to stop, someone to fight for you, a true best friend
so I'm your guiding light until life's bright for you and it's dawn in your heart again
For Ashley Baby. Forever I love you, until you realize it and then until I am no more.
Dec 2013 · 498
LOVE ONLY BORROWED
Brandon Barnett Dec 2013
little dark ring of scars
my reminder
where a wedding band use to be
dusty gray ring of ash
my reminder
of where that fire use to warm me

lord can it be?
that regret is calling me
down into those times?
I should have seen the coming loss
before I ever paid the cost
now I'm lost between two timelines

and everybody feels and sees
that shattered hearts don't heal or ease
we just learn new ways to breathe
and on knees you can beg and plead
but the regret just chews and feeds
and you have to learn again how to breathe

now the treasure maps all lead to empty chests
and reminders
calling me back to my home burned down
and pleasures trap me and tempts with rest
feigning life a little kinder
only stalling the attack of wedding roses turned brown

lord can it be?
the voices calling me
all lead back to time long gone?
I should have known the cost contrived
that all love has loss to be survived
now I'm torn between two lives

and now every rainbow ends
at missing gold I had to spend
to learn love isn't yours to keep at the end
love is never yours to befriend
it's just a waking dream that someone lends
and everybody knows shattered dreams never mend

the little dark ring of scars and their intent
my reminder
love isn't yours it's only lent
and love is never any kinder
Dec 2013 · 1.1k
ANYWHERE BUT INSIDE ME
Brandon Barnett Dec 2013
what they call a heart, my every anchor chained
what the pages make my story, every loss explained
like words in letters, as if they retain it, like they make it better
as if the knowing of it loosed or broke these fetters
eight ways the shapes of my only alphabet spells s-u-r-v-i-v-o-r
infinitely too short a word and leaving me to wander again if I'm alive in her
they think it breeds strength to outlive the beatings
they think it makes a great chase never retreating in the pursuit of what's fleeting
just once couldn't I rest and feel safe like it could all get clearer?
in the haze of aging when I'm sure it isn't my real smile in any mirror
in the crowded, faceless streets of having to stand on my own two feet alone
with all the hurtful, hateful, squalls this living condones
everyone thinking they know me because they know my name
know the face that's a mask over what's hollowed out by the aches I don't explain
and someone asks me to come near, to be dear, to love again
and they give like gifts and they mend the rifts and they care and then
the cycle of costs begins again, the loss of the friends again breathes
and makes every swallowed wine taste less like escape and reminds that it never relieves
and every candle on a cake burns another year I waited to start over
and every green field yields beauty unnoticed in my frantic search for a lucky clover
the pages pile with words wasted on hoping for better
and my few days waste away with so much time lost in trying to understand "forever"
so if you think that you know what made me then you haven't been listening to the words I didn't say
and if you've ask me for love then you've never felt what I already gave away

so put the times you've felt greatness on one side and see if they outweigh the hurt
or if the scales tip in favor of the ways you've failed and it still hurts
and trudge the horrible roads to the edges of the maps and see if you outrun the hurt
and see if any hand held or risk taken or affection given dispels the way you hurt

all the slivered glass pieces of my heart just cut me to blood as I try to pick them up
and all that my view of what could have been does, is lend tears as I watch those doors shut
and all another line will explain
is how it will never be the last line if I'm trying to write out the pains

I can never explain the hurt
Aug 2013 · 2.1k
GLAMOUR
Brandon Barnett Aug 2013
oh how we worship the pretty people
despite them being the source of so much evil
and lust to be just like them
we find so much ******* believable and think each of them a gem

the glamorous, the beautiful, the ****
"did you see the new tweet? after the show I hope they text me!"

we follow them through the movies into their church steeples
hollywood and all it's heights of it's anointed peoples
the magazines are their bibles and we hold none of them liable
for the lies they've told or the lives they ruin being unreliable
with every story they're spinning
they want us to believe they're "winning"

marriage, divorce, wife number three
new baby carriage, move to the golf course, life under palm trees
remain calm and know things are always ok if you can sing and be pretty
I pity the soulless with hot faces, no social graces but lots of *** in the city

and we love their scandals we can't get enough
every news stand proving america has more than a crush
on the movie stars, on the models, on their cars, on the rush
of thinking we could be them if we just got a new nose and a tuck

who put Brangelina's kids' new brother on every magazine cover
but never the military heroes who live to protect you while they duck for cover?

**** the sheep who keep the weakness in our families
who want the news filled with the new runways fashion and grammys
instead of the problems that need solutions and what real life should mean
we need action and my reaction is to lift the small faction of thinkers up to be seen
we need a cause to cut loose the famous like weights and hate their *******
ignore the models, shun the actors, pay the teachers, appreciate the surgeons

being pretty is a gift not a skill
being hot isn't exactly curing cancer or healing the ill
but we still want what we can't have, much worse than reality
another prada handbag under the disposable christmas tree

them or us, I don't know what's a worse diversion
I guess I'm just not pretty enough to be a "real" person
Mar 2013 · 867
ANOTHER FIRST KISS
Brandon Barnett Mar 2013
I want another first kiss
for every minute with you I've missed
for every single past time we could have been each others only tryst
the very first, the very first time that love would exist and persist

I've searched for you in every line on every page of every poem I've ever written
in every mile since leaving home in every day of life I've roamed and never forgiven
over every mountain I've crawled and in every depth of every dark sea
I've felt you like a heartbeat and I couldn't breathe or be whole without you defining me

you are my religion in every bright hope it promises
even with all of doubt's dominance
the struggle will never again seem unbelievably ominous
if I could just have your hand regardless of any consequence

I was created to chase you to the ends of this flat earth
to show you and prove to you what true love is worth
I am only worth half of what you're meant to be
and I must show you what the other half shines like inside of me

please listen to a man on his knees
I would never lie and ask you to believe in belief
just see that you love me so deeply too
there is only the thought of one in combining us two

the sun never finds it's way up my sky without your smile
there is no heart wrenching pain too rough in these trials
if you come to feel the same things that I know to be true
that there is never self there is only me and you

oh god can you even breathe without me?
doesn't your soul remember?
that all that being alive could ever render
is just a peace here in it's splendor without a temper and so glad to surrender

I will kiss your lips and love your laugh and crave your essence
and never feel content without your presence
and always watch every doorway everywhere we visit for you entrance
and read every whisper on your skin for every message

no one loves as deeply as I do and every thought you have you know it to be true
search for me
because we deserve to feel this
I ache and I ache but I am so happy just to search for you

I will find you and I will hold you so close that skin won't just touch it will shiver
I will fill your heart's fissures and you will remember
that all a soul is good for is finding it's other half
and no one has ever been so adored as how I adore your perfect face and sweet laugh

I love you more than I have the words to give you
and that makes a poet's love the truest truth
Mar 2013 · 606
SHARDS
Brandon Barnett Mar 2013
I don’t know if I have enough heart left to give to anyone else in sharing I’m always
back at the start just trying to be myself and pretend I’m caring and it’s glaring me in
the face this stalled pace                       at which I’m                      crawling through my
own life trying not to                                    cringe                                 from the deep cuts of
the knife that you all                                                                                       call love it all feels
to me like a clifftop                                                                                            kiss goodbye with
a hard shove and                                                                                                 from where I
stand it makes me                                                                                                 wonder if I
misunderstand it                                                                                                  what I thought
was the right way                                                                                               that I should but
apparently I really                                                                                             misunderstood
and it all makes me                                                                                         beg and cry out to
everyone in this part                                  please save my heart        there’s so little  left of
the me that could ever                                                                           believe couldn’t this
god ****** world just                                                                      once let me keep a little
piece all I ask of this terrible                                                           wretched ******* lifetime
is a life that’s actually all mine                                                   let me build something and
protect it and keep it safe as my                                          own beautiful charm safe from
the chaos and the harm am I worth                              so little do I count for so much less
that I should endure my heart being                      belittled and beaten under this much
stress I don’t even know anymore how to       trust and the machine that has become
my day to day survival is so filthy with rust I just want to feel like I am a human being
with some worth and knowing deep down that I never will be, is the very worst.
Mar 2013 · 1.1k
WAKING WITHOUT YOU
Brandon Barnett Mar 2013
I've been writing the same tired words
weary from forever trying to explain you
to the same endless song
repeating itself to me in your every kiss
ever since we started this game that we play
of me loving you
with a fondness that still remembers you, pure
loving you with depth that will always catch your falls
and you always pulling away from me
pushing me away
taking a needed piece of me each time you stray
making it a little harder to heal
making it a little scarier to feel
a little harder to keep hope in a new start
making me a little harder in the heart
when all I need from you, is all of you, just one time
because you would never want to leave the embrace
of a best friend kept in a lover's mask with a poet's need for only you
if you would just look into my eyes
that see only your beauty, blind to your scars
what you'd see would tell you
that to me you are perfectly imperfect

but the song repeats and somehow all my words fail me
in forever trying to win you, to charm you, to keep you
and the infinite sadness that is loving you
burns me again as I pull it's flame even closer
trying to make you mine at last
in every word I say all you have to hear is the truth
if you ever want to believe in love again, believe now
we are the proof

because every time we lay down together
and I wake up alone
I crack a little deeper, I become a little more fragile
I lose a little more I haven't got left to give
I turn a paler shade of ghost
and the crime is never punished
because you never stay to see
that you're killing the one person who loves you most
with every meaningless kiss you give me

I die a little
with each meaningless kiss
Mar 2013 · 835
THEM
Brandon Barnett Mar 2013
jealousy
it's forced regrets are ****** me
it steals the songs from lullaby's
it steals all rest from sleep at night
it's eating me one tooth filled grin at a time
it hates with hate filled lover’s crimes
I'm cringing sick I can't escape the wreck
the squeezing grip it has around my neck
I'm losing hope with every painful breath
there's no sign of it's end in length or breadth
it beats, it brawls, it scars, it darkens the sun
I use to think that I was the only one
until all that jealousy stole
it's consuming me whole

what happened to the hope filled light
in my bright eyes that could see through any fight
now I'm lost in every one of her wrongs
where has all of me gone?
consumed by her consummation with lies

I miss my bright eyes


jealousy
pondering where she could be
imagining my wide imaginations worst
thinking of her affections with a choking thirst
who has her hand and where she wears those skirts
who can get close with lines and flirts
fearing all a man can fear alone
fearing down into aching bones
this is a war I cant win filled with brimstone and spite
it keeps me wondering and wandering the streets at night
it steals the light from two bright eyes
the ephemeral boys' once beautiful view of life
I think of all the things my new outlook holds
jealousy is consuming me whole

surprised by her consummation with all of the lies
I miss my bright eyes
Feb 2013 · 901
TRULY
Brandon Barnett Feb 2013
every time I let the memories back in
I lose her again
every time I think of now and then
I've just lost my best friend
all over again
and I roll over again
tossing and turning in bed another night
making a night's sleep another fight
hiding my eyes under covers from the morning light
knowing that nothing now can make it all alright
and my heart aches and my chest squeezes tight
and I lose hope, and I lose my desires, and I lose sight
of anything that could make me whole now
of what could help me relearn to be proud
and I cringe, and I scratch at the sores, and I gush pain aloud

what can ever make me whole now?

true, I gave her up, I cast her like a stone
just to watch the ripples and to be myself, alone
but they never explain the solitude of the throne
or the anticipating the mail and the waiting by the phone
or the feeling of no arms around you like losing your home
like watching the fires of your greed burn down all you've grown

I'm sorry for every time I yelled
I'm sorry for all the bad memories her stories have to tell
I'm so sorry for her pain ringing like a bell
not fading fast enough like she can't forget me fast enough for it to quell
because I broke our spell
I'm sorry for the distance and the personal, inflicted hell
and the feeling of nausea that is nothing can make either of us well

with the depths of this consuming hole as I fall, not proud
and the pains that make me wince aloud
what could ever make me whole now?
Jan 2013 · 811
MY ONLY
Brandon Barnett Jan 2013
darling gypsy flower how I adore you girl
rhythmic, teasing, bright light dancer how I love you
your essence, your glimmering, shining smile
the way your lips curl up when I kiss you
golden voiced whisperer of my sweetest wishes
poetry your only language, how you speak to me
I am yours and no money can buy me
you are mine and no trial can take you
my faith is only in you and you are completion
you are my island and I find ecstasy in every bite
down your neck
over your shoulders
tasting your tummy
my hands, I trace you like I was painting you on smooth paper
you are my wandering star how you sing to me
with every beat I feel your music
gorgeous gypsy explorer how you stroll through me
my
etherial
baby love crush
how I need you
and darkness never takes you from my sight
I see you even in my dreams
when you sleep I count your breaths each a blessing
when I wake to you I know happiness
my
every reason
every change of season I am with only you
I hear only your words
"love me"
and I do
deep into my being
Jan 2013 · 754
BABY GIRL
Brandon Barnett Jan 2013
they say stay strong
and i tried
but hearts stray and betray pride

a thousand nights
I held you as you slept
I counted your breaths
and the beats in your chest
my lullabys because i loved you

but your hands never meant
to ever be held
you pushed me away
my affections forgotten
for the freedom in a strangers touch
confidence consumed you
as the door closed tight behind you

i stayed and waited
for you to hunger for the love
missing between us
but with hourglass somersaults the days passed

until you had need

no love you’ve come to look for but
your every secret mine
hunger brings your knocks
my door locked i must decide
to turn the key let you come inside and see
if i can resist the skin and the kiss
of my cherished pandora

yes
i see your tight dress
your baby doll lips
and bedroom eyes
my favorite fascination
so i seccumb
to the jasmine scent
of a lovers heat

my lips soft across your neck
my mouth made
to trace your shape
familiar friends fondest games
and so we play

no love left to be made
i take the delicate shape
the perfect petals of my precious baby girl
and i *******
my long walk out of eden

and so your head finds the pillows
and my hands find your warmth
and your sounds fill the room
and i ignore the tears

they say stay strong and i tried
Dec 2012 · 677
HOW IT BETRAYS
Brandon Barnett Dec 2012
It flows through me passing into me taking part of me as it leaves
streaming by like a heavy wind draining my fresh hopes it thieves
time
is taking more from me than even the breaking of me took to survive
now nothing mends as days past by lend only distance contrived
this fall into passing years has found no bottom yet
and it makes every instance I hear the words "I love you" another debt

and I have paid, I have paid and bled and learned to bend
only to bleed again and lose friends and find withdrawals with no end
time
is the riptide I struggle in, being swept farther from any safe shore
it is the hungry predator that never quite kills but thirsts always for more
more of my life eaten
more of my flesh beaten
more so I'm made the ******
never, never, never does it rest while I'm still breathing

none of the new years are kind and the months are more of their cruel kind
the days and the minutes become the haunting ties that bind

I am so far from any good memory that I miss them like childhood loves
time has become a terrible keeper keeping me from rising above

all I want is to look forward into my days and see hope for happiness
as my youth slips, I see time is not a clock on a wall it's an illness
it's not a hand on a dial
it's the cost of every step of every mile
it's not a chime on the hour
it's the pain that makes aging sour
it's not a schedule for sleep
it's the loss of every yesterday it keeps

and I've had my fill of the chills and it's hurtful tricks
time is the illness we all share as it ticks
time is my best days gone, my illness with quickly burning wick
and with it, I am so sick
Dec 2012 · 1.3k
A STARE'S SEDUCTION
Brandon Barnett Dec 2012
happy and care free
the side of me waiting inside me that you'll probably never see
a "me" that can't stand the sight of myself outwardly that you'll probably always believe
the person that I want to become when I overcome my defeats

It's the way your eyes lie to me that makes me light up inside
I'm happy to have the chance to change my hold on pride
they draw us together like the sides of a satchel with strings pulled
oh how I love to be fooled

those eyes, that color, their light, your stare
they make me forget everyone else and forget myself and not care
they draw me in with a whisper that asks if I dare
they pull me in like a scream rushing at me through lust filled air

it's funny how eyes can deceive so believably

teach me how to lie
I want the same fake happiness you see as a prize
teach me how to lie
I want the same hollow affection that gets you by
teach me how to lie
show me how the honest heart's noose needs to be tied

teach me how to lie
because the truth is I can't survive my own life
Dec 2012 · 3.0k
COMETS
Brandon Barnett Dec 2012
I will walk the miles in your heart
the distance it takes to prove my love
I will trudge the sands of your time
the moments you need, to know I will stay
I will chase storms into the ocean
and beat the waves to rest on your shores
I will catch fire for you and burn new light
to set aglow the path to your affections

giving up or giving in, will never even begin to begin
and never will I ever beg to be let in
I will earn you

I will ride the comets into your black skies
to get a deeper look into your blue eyes
I will never surrender or be subdued
I will reach you
I will brave the fears and swallow the salt in your tears
to teach you
that we were meant to be one
no setbacks will keep me, no dark streets will defeat me
I will arrive, I will arrive

You are my river uncrossed, you are my home still lost
you are cherished deeply at any cost
you are my quiet moment soon to be filled with music
you are the evidence of love that proves it

I will run the race it takes to chase an angel
I will
I will it to be true
and no mile will keep me from you
Dec 2012 · 1.9k
PROTECTION
Brandon Barnett Dec 2012
I have to stop the thoughts of you
running around my head
I've no escape from their tantrums
they're reminders of hurtful things I've said
they're a look back into the places
where we lived and loved but fought
they're whispers of broken christmases
and looks at presents I never bought
they're kisses I never got from you
because I never made it home
overdosed on the night's escape
a rotted king, a hospital throne
they're the things that forever haunt me
following my footsteps back to the bar
they're the pain I've cause in everyone
in causing things to be the ways they are


hate me away
take back all I've borrowed
hate me because I betray
please hate away your sorrow
hate me for what I've taken and can't repay
despise my every sad tomorrow

hate me in ways that let you free from me
it's the only way I can ever give you peace  


I have to stop the days I sadden you
I have to **** the way I make it true
that no matter what I promise
my actions won't prove a love for you
I've been without so much for so long
that I should appreciate all you have to give
I should've cherished your soft presence
in every day since, that I have lived
but I never put you above myself
I never helped or held you up so high
now the only way I affect you
is with a commitment that makes you cry
you always fully forgave me
for all the crimes that I'd commit
now it's you I have to protect
In asking your heart only for this split

hate me away
take back all I've stolen
hate me for the foul days
that could have shined and been golden
hate me for my every terrible display
despise me deeply, hate my emotions

hate me in ways that let you free from me
it's the only way
I
can ever give you peace
Nov 2012 · 1.0k
IN MEETING MYSELF NOW
Brandon Barnett Nov 2012
he don't talk much now that his spirit been broke
a man of few words that lost the joy a smile evokes
he don't speak of the good times anymore
feeling all the money in his pockets has left him poor
he don't raise his head much when he writes
ignoring the lovers and families around him tonight
he just pushes that pen looking for solutions and answers
scared of every lonely day coming like a slow cancer
he hates the eyes staring back in the mirror's glare
he hates the ways he sees that they use to care
and prayer don't work 'cause no one ever whispers back
he's a slow, trudging train on the endless track
of regret pushing and shoving for redemptions
feeling love all around him and his own lowly exemption
and he'll chat with you if you ask
but the words and stories you'll hear are just a mask
secretly he holds hands with a little boy
who's not coming back to be his favorite dandy toy
he's still holding his hand and only looking back
surviving each of his heart's attacks
with the bottle, with a guise, using memories to patch the cracks
and peace is all he asks

how I pray for him to find a healing, completely
dear God, how I wish he wasn't me
Nov 2012 · 875
UNKNOWING
Brandon Barnett Nov 2012
there’s a vacuum, a hole in my heart, a skip in it’s beat
the size of your shimmering glow
it's the width of your smile, the height of your laughter
it’s where my love gleans all that it wants to know

it’s an autumn untouched in a memory held fondly
watching the white shine of fresh fallen snow
it pulls like a tide and it howls like a gale
and it tugs at me to surrender to all it bestows

it prays with belief and sustains on it's faith
and it stands tallest on two bended knees
it's all ribbons and wrapper the thing I most wanted
and it fills my needs completely

you and I are the seed, the sprout, the tree, the fruit
the protection of deep binding roots
you and I
the journey along no destination’s route  
my wanting unwaning, your flirtatious glances
the wonderful unknowing pursuit
Nov 2012 · 1.7k
NO2H (My Heavy Alcohol Poem)
Brandon Barnett Nov 2012
walking out the door to score the first pour
or headed to the store to buy more, more, more
alcohol slides over my lips and burns my gums
look out depression because here I come
unforgivable and dumb
my decision in choosing again to succumb
to filling my throat with hateful *** just to go numb

unbelievable the cost of the lines I’ve crossed
the hours and days I've lost
the vicious shifting of minutes across
the abacus rods to the side of loss
the moments of my life I accost

my happy endings sent marching to their deaths
an insult to the true preciousness
of every one of life’s next breaths

I stop and think of all the terrible acts and hate crimes
that I've committed since the addiction in my lifetime
my steady, self inflicted decline
and the horrors that have come from my anebriated mind
the sickness embodied in drinking, thinking it’s not filth and grime

one of life's few real truths
is that we have so little of it in our youth
we have so little of it to define ourselves
it doesn’t halt, it doesn’t pause it can’t be contained or stored on shelves
it will never refrain from moving along
with or without your happiness time moves on

writing this down in sobriety now
or reading this later aloud
drunk and probably too loud
for a crowd of one person not proud
I’ll wonder how
how I do this to myself again and bow down
to a voluntary disease that only brings storm clouds

I've been taught better than this
I've been treated better than this
I've been shown and really seen clearly my life’s gifts
so why do my actions always need forgiveness

how is it I burn the pages of my own plans
how is my touch capable of the murders of a killers hands
I don’t know how an able body like mine can
refuse to stand up like a man

I’m dragging myself to an inevitable end
with every sip I take and every bar dollar I spend
and every gushing wound I refuse to mend
everytime I choose ***** over the company of a friend

i can put the vitamins back in my body
and pretend my ledger isn’t red it’s just a little spotty
and that I wasn’t that bad I was just a little naughty
and say that I make everyone laugh when I’m *****

but those rows of abacus beads on the wrong side that I tossed
tell a different story of a war fought and lost
and a power that remains with the victor unchanged
and a coward carrying a bottle like a cross

and every day there is a line drawn, and then right now is gone
with or without my happiness, time moves on
Nov 2012 · 971
TRUTHFULLY
Brandon Barnett Nov 2012
I think that I've become the one
who's every choice brings pain
who's every adventure ended in other's tears
who's every action cost other's dearly

I think I've been the one to load the gun
that always craved more and never learned to refrain
that made the night times turn cold and bring in fears
who's lied in every word spoken clearly

I think I've become the boy
who takes but never gives of himself
who wants the world for his toy
and drinks it down to his own health

I think I made this bed where I lie
and made it feel unloving to hold my hand
I watched so many suffer in tears as they cried
and I listened with no intention to ever understand


I think I broke the skin with my kiss
and stole the prized things they'd miss
I think I said I cared then let them slit their wrists
and I created this

the world stopped loving me
they all stopped loving me
they all saw through the guise and learned to hate the mayhem
and no one can blame them


I think that I've choked all lasting love dead
and poured bitter ink in all the wine
I think I've left stains with everything I've said
eaten all the fruit and killed the vine

I think I sold their affections for things that shine
I think I've smashed my own glass walls
I think I'm about to suffer the cost of selfish crimes
and see that I'm left with nothing at all


I think I bled them dry chasing a bliss
and touched the soft with a crippling fist
I think I promised but never cared of promises missed
and I created this

they all stopped loving me
my world stopped loving me
they all chocked for the last time on my poisoned mayhem
and no one can blame them
Nov 2012 · 847
KEEPSAKE
Brandon Barnett Nov 2012
even with all the love letters that I've sent
I know I don't kneel low enough to really repent

all you ever ask of me
was to give myself unrestrained, completely
but so much of me lives in the past
always I'm the drifting ship without a mast
and you always knew it
but me leaving you proved it
now your anger is almost all I feel
seen in every passing glance I steal
and I can't blame you
for hating what is true

now I'm cashing in memories just to wear a smile
but the sore pangs of life's true cost come every new mile
and every thought of what's lost drives me into someone's arms
looking to find the same protection and charm
but stranger after stranger makes my life a little stranger
and where there could be new connections there is only mistrust and anger

and the ache of constant questioning drowns me in another drink
and I swallow the color from another glass till I'm back over the sink
facing that awful mirror that always tells the truth
that silently describes how the tears in these eyes are the proof
that I don't know how to love you more than I did
and I know it fell so short of everything you wanted
and now I know I regret it myself too
all the needed things I couldn't give you

but I don't know now who I am without you here
when I look backward to our past I see myself then so clear
all I can do now is give these apologies for all your realized fears
that I couldn't be the true love that you could always hold dear
Oct 2012 · 2.2k
WHERE DO I GO NOW?
Brandon Barnett Oct 2012
childless father, I ******* ache
every time it crosses my mind that I miss his little face
when any other connection to anyone else feels so out of place
living only in the past in analyzing my actions and in decisions I retrace

and no one else can really understand what it takes just to get up and stand
what getting on your own two feet each morning demands
when you're young son isn't yours anymore to see become a man
when you can't hold his, so you just wipe your tears with your useless hands

regret
will put a blade in your belly and cut slowly till you will never forget
the waking in cold sweats and seeing any other love as a threat
it makes the smiling at others just a bluff as you place each day's bet

can I survive this draining daily distress?
is there life after a needed connection's brutal death?
can I catch back up to normal when the pain won't let me catch my breath?
can I live a whole life when without him I am so much less?

I can't drink the pangs numb or calm my blood's churning seas
the sickening motion rolling through each inch of me
the sticky tar that paints me in black misery
or **** the grinning devils that make any new hope only trickery

childless
a father's love unwavering but never received
without my baby son all I do is grieve
and I have no use anymore for love, no matter what I use to believe
Oct 2012 · 825
TODAY IN THE FREY
Brandon Barnett Oct 2012
each day is a poem the hours spell
each a chance for peace within ourselves
every line’s an opportunity for eyes without a bruise
but opportunities passed on just pass on through
time lost is a short road to regret
looking back is all a moment wasted begets

I can’t reach the clock to turn back the hands
I can’t reach back and have the time again
when did I become
so unsighted to today
when did I start to shove my spirit away
when did I become so anger-torn and frayed
when I forgot the pains that cut like a knife,

how regret and anger can burn a life


each day is a love song of a heart feeling well
each a love story the moments tell
every word a chance for our selves to be soothed
but opportunities shunned just slide on through
time wasted is a long fall into regret
longing for the moments lost and squandered and spent

I want to reach the clock to turn back the hands
I want to turn the glass and return the sands
when did I become
so naive to the gift of today
when did I start to throw opportunities away
when I forgot the pains that have been my strife,

the regret and anger that have burned my life


the sands, they only fall
Oct 2012 · 893
I ONCE WAS
Brandon Barnett Oct 2012
of the daylight
this artificial heart
has learned to love with the sun up
without the midnight might in lusting
without the dim lights, candles orange blushing
without the blinding bright shine of bodies thrusting
nothing
compares to what once was
first years longing
first needs wanting
first times hungry for the hunt
new skin glowing
hot blood flowing
fire in my veins
treasures of the moment

of gold
it shines and it shimmers
gives the shivers
under skin like slivers stuck
warms like *** becomes the first ****
storms like thunder
rip tide pulling under
sweat from the first heat of summer

flourish
set your heart free
keep it for no one
give it eyes and let it see for itself

of the winter
this artificial heart
has learned to love with summers gone
never
has the want stung like what once was
first times laughing
first lines mapping
the first time writing from the soul
writhing in need and longingly losing control
first moments craving
flames paths blazing
running toward
fire in my veins

of gold
it gleams and glimmers
sparkles like glitter
into blood like poisons’ bite
burns like pyres bright white light
roars like oceans
first waves of emotions
***** secret kept notions
courses through veins and hot skin
intoxicating and welcoming within

flourish
set your heart free
keep it for no one
give it eyes and let it see
Oct 2012 · 560
SOMEHOW ALIVE
Brandon Barnett Oct 2012
so i reach this after all    teach myself after all    that after every fall from each torturous height and frightening ache that’s made me crawl    in the wake of what it’s taken to survive each tooth spitting brawl  
i am proof that nothing can diminish a survivors soul to nothing at all    and no matter what you call it or     what its commanding    i am still standing   maybe a little less tall    but on my own two feet for what its worth even with this curse   the weight of my absent self worth   i have given birth to some kind of hope and   i know now i can send it forth to return to cut loose this noose rope    with what i’ve learned about always   feeling deeply that i can’t keep all the pieces of me together neatly and i yearn   sadly so badly wanting to  
       watch the world burn  

my reckless life has tried to beat and eat alive all i've strived for but i have arrived at 33 i have survived      not completely living but somehow alive
I write a lot of "stream of conciousness" flowoetry. I love this flow.
Sep 2012 · 1.0k
UNLOADING A PISTOL
Brandon Barnett Sep 2012
I put another cigarette up to my lips
and hit it with a lit match flame
I take another drag feeling her affections slip
feeling that another day would be just the same

I put the bottle up to my lips
and think of the reasons I shouldn't
I take another pull, a long burning sip
and realize all of the ways love couldn't

be for me what it was for her
with me being confident falsely when I wasn't sure
just looking clean when I was far from pure
holding on tightly when I couldn't always endure

my razor blade taps out another thin white line
with a sharp breath I feel the sting start to numb
I cut out another knowing I'm crossing a line
but it takes the remorse of this that I've become

I take another pill waiting for it's relief
it's bitter taste reminding me of too many nights in a floor
I wonder of my convictions and my true beliefs
so many of the things the filth helps me ignore

I couldn't be for her what she was for me
I couldn't open eyes that didn't want sight to see
I shouldn't have let true love only slightly be
and I shouldn't be surprised at the misery

it is all this sadomasochists sick ride down into the pits of lost pride
but
killing myself slowly doesn't feel so much like suicide
Sep 2012 · 2.4k
PROTECTION
Brandon Barnett Sep 2012
I have to stop the thoughts of you
running around my head
I've no escape from their tantrums
they're reminders of hurtful things I've said
they're a look back into the places
where we lived and loved but fought
they're whispers of broken christmases
and looks at presents I never bought
they're kisses I never got from you
because I never made it home
overdosed on the night's escape
a rotted king, a hospital throne
they're the things that forever haunt me
following my footsteps back to the bar
they're the pain I've cause in everyone
in causing things to be the ways they are


hate me away
take back all I've borrowed
hate me because I betray
please hate away your sorrow
hate me for what I've taken and can't repay
despise my every sad tomorrow

hate me in ways that let you free from me
it's the only way I can ever give you peace  


I have to stop the days I sadden you
I have to **** the way I make it true
that no matter what I promise
my actions won't prove a love for you
I've been without so much for so long
that I should appreciate all you have to give
I should've cherished your soft presence
in every day since, that I have lived
but I never put you above myself
I never helped or held you up so high
now the only way I affect you
is with a commitment that makes you cry
you always fully forgave me
for all the crimes that I'd commit
now it's you I have to protect
In asking your heart only for this split

hate me away
take back all I've stolen
hate me for the foul days
that could have shined and been golden
hate me for my every terrible display
despise me deeply, hate my emotions

hate me in ways that let you free from me
it's the only way
I
can ever give you peace
Sep 2012 · 1.9k
EULOGY
Brandon Barnett Sep 2012
my dad was a workin man
mud on his boots and rust colored hands
cigarette in his mouth and Carhart pants
covered in sawdust from the projects he'd sand

we were family but how he saw us I'll never understand
and there was always my mother so he always needed another plan

we were technically a family, the few of us just us three
in a house like a boxing ring the loving was left up to me
four poor walls held together by two wedding rings begrudgingly
you could starve to death there if you were the one hungry for sympathy

my mom was a violent woman, a true fighter
hot tempered and her temper would start hot fires
at a young age I was inspired to learn to fight back because I was tired
of the beatings, of the yelling, of fake apologies, of the mire

we were a family but how she handled us I will never admire
she wanted us forever but the fates conspired

we were a family through all of the calls to the police
we were a family through the jealousy, the paranoia, and the deepening grief
we were a family that went to war and ignored peace
we were a sick body on it's knees that knew only disease and no relief

then of course we were a sailing ship forced on it's inevitable course
divorce
then us three became him, and her, and me, the source
now I have no recourse to heal those old sores

my dad was a boxer and my mom was a volatile pyre
fourteen years on that noose and fears are all I acquired
what transpired has made me hollow and lonely and scared of today because of the prior
and whoever tells you that you could survive that unscarred is the worst kind of liar
Sep 2012 · 1.6k
ENTRANCE IN BLACK
Brandon Barnett Sep 2012
fragile and self absorbed I've spent a lot of time kneeling
but I've come to find honesty in admitting fear in the new things I'm feeling
there's something about moons and stars being beautiful but out of reach
that I've always found appealing
and I have drown in all my futile pursuits chasing whales into the ocean
but never with my written words, those pros are a dreamers innate commotion
emotional,  combustible,  percussive,  explosions

I've­ survived a lot of falls and put my heart back together with duct tape
but somehow living always gives me just a little less than it takes

so my words now are few and chosen carefully
and my actions are my attempts at explaining those tangibly

every valentine's bouquet I'm sending
all the anniversary dollars I'm spending
each minute a loving ear I'm lending
but if two people are truly in love, there can be no happy
ending
Hemingway, that's from Snows of Kilimanjaro
an elegant reminder that we've one less day together with every new tomorrow

so I try and explain old emotions as best I know how
if only I could have known in those times the truths I know now

redundant, I'm a record with a deep scratch
tired, I'm the head of a burnt match
useless, I'm a diamond necklace with a missing clasp
bitter, and perpetuating the despair, never letting go of the holes unpatched
hopeful, I'm a dog kicked that keeps coming back

I've survived a lot of falls and put my heart back together with duct tape
but somehow living always gives back just a little less than it takes
I can see that in the wrinkles carving roads in my face by the mile
and I noticed that there's more lines where I scowl than where I smile
duct tape and regrets I've spent a lot of time kneeling
it's probably time to apolgize and stop reeling
but eating my own words sounds uncomfortably filling
so I guess I've said a lot of things that I'll never have the chance for repealing

somehow I've always sensed it since I was very young
that I would always be looking back as I rocketed forward
humming the songs that were already sung
reading old greeting card’s they've forgotten and feeling tortured

fragile and self absorbed I've got a lotta duct tape
survived a lot of falls without becoming fake
but somehow living always gives me
a little less than it takes
Sep 2012 · 933
LITTLE VICTORIES
Brandon Barnett Sep 2012
I didn't dream about my ex wife last night
it spared me from waking to the cutting pains of that knife

I didn't tear up in the mirror when I saw the age that I've reached
or lose it as my head replayed the sermon's my regrets all preach

I didn't throw up in the shower like I do when I'm sobering off of ***
or shiver from the withdrawals of youth in realizing what I've become

I didn't make a face as I buttoned pants around a spreading waist
or throw a tantrum at the memory of all the beauties I once chased


when every one of my days could be defined by it's miseries
I guess life is all about the little victories


I didn't pull my truck into the other lane hoping for an end
I didn't miss the dollars I badly need that I was dumb enough to spend

I got a smile from a kind faced friend as I got to work
and it was just enough to distract me from my lack some self worth

I don't look nice in my second hand clothes but I got a compliment
and it helped me not look back all day at the ways my life could've went

and I made it home regardless of all the aching that surviving my day took
and I managed to crawl into bed alone without crying till I shook


but when everyday I take on could be defined by it's miseries
I guess life is all about the little victories


I haven't seen my baby son in six months but I didn't put my pistol to my head today
I held on to the prayerful hope that I'll have the chance again to see his smiling face

when every single one of my days could be defined by it's misery
I guess my life is all about my little victories
Aug 2012 · 1.2k
LIVING WITH TWO OF ME
Brandon Barnett Aug 2012
my tallest towers so proud and most needed bridges
are just sandcastles too close to the shore
all of my kingdom carved all the valleys and ridges
can't weather my storms and wash away once more

being bi-polar kills you slowly but you never forget that you're dying
as each new attack comes even more fierce than before
family can forgive doctors can try but there's no denying
there's more pain in store and it's going to end just like before

with me trying to remember the cruel things I said in a rage
painfully recalling the monster I become without knowing
tearing at loved ones and shrinking the size of my cage
trying to recognize the face in the mirror with so many scars showing

and knowing that all of the days I feel great are only mania, not inspired
my accomplishments just the bi-product of a sickness infused
and they will all be burned down to ash in my fires
and a tattered soul so sick will continue to be abused

I ache so painfully in ways that make me insane
on my knees even without faith praying for anything I might regain
sick with wishing for answers to the behaviors I can't explain
spitting up, in cringes, bleeding out tears I can't contain

this beautiful life is so cruel through my eyes
in sunsets I see only the cold of the coming night
adoring a heart like mine isn't wise
and that truth leaves me to be alone in this fight

love the good in me because it's here if only fleeting
love my warm spirit as it loves you deeply too
love me for my depth and keep my heart beating
know that I cherish the peace I find with arms around you

then fear me for my outbursts and hateful tantrums askew
learn my love comes at a terrible price never paid
grow to hate me for words said and things I do
it's the unbearable cost of an unsurvivable trade

I might have days that I shine like gold
all they are
is my story half told

I am a monster

I am a monster
Aug 2012 · 1.9k
DIVORCE EXPLAINED
Brandon Barnett Aug 2012
divorce isn't a breakup
it's a death in the family
two hearts too hurt to make up
and it never ends amicably

it makes every word said, every phrase, every promise ever spoken
sting like lies and sting your pride that you believed and they were broken

it takes from you the ability to believe in the beauty of someone special
when you feel like you gave all you had to give and it ended so regretful

it robs you of all your feelings of safety and comfort and home
it takes from you your confidence, your positivity and leaves you positively alone

it creates a deep hate that takes over and makes you fume anger
it causes the caustic sorrow that darkens every tomorrow and makes everyone a stranger

it makes you question your own value, your actual self worth
it makes you feel that you're not good enough to be loved anywhere on this earth

knowing that the person who knows the true you the very best
took a look inside you and chose to pursue one of the rest
the thought holds you down and carves your heart right out of your chest
and it takes back, steals back, rapes away all that made you feel blessed
like you invested all of your time, the very best of yourself and no less
and still failed the test

so you try to stand on two broken legs to walk again on your own
and you stumble into the arms of new friends and try to make a new home
and you search frantically for affection to replace what you've known
but at the end of each night regardless of who's next to you, you are alone

bar after bar, club after party, drink drink drink and take them to bed
trying to drown the remorse and the anger and the longing that fire shots in your head
you will literally try physically to **** your way into someone new's heart
you will become an artist making selfishness and need and self promotion an art

but they don't really know you so how could they really care
true love doesn't become tangible from moans floating through thin air
a love you reap comes from time spent in wonder and in promises you keep
true love comes from the person you're meant to be with seeing that you're deep
and wanting to dive in
to only you
to never surface again
from within you
to breath for the last time on their own
without your heart making theirs beat
to go to war for you alone
with no possibility of retreat

and that hope, that chance of what could come for my life's course
is the only thing I got to keep in my divorce
Apr 2012 · 1.1k
CLARITY
Brandon Barnett Apr 2012
***** den dreams
of laudanum and lace
visions of my pleasures
missing the aftertaste

sssh
listen and you can hear me sniffin
the sick cringe of addiction
on a binge with my affliction
healing what's crippled
with my own personal prescription

the sun goes down
the sun goes up
none of the chaos
ever goes away

chasing the idea of a real escape
a break from this life before it takes it's toll
breaking hopes taking dreams
and smothering my restless soul

bound and gagged
I say nothing
tied to a plate by eight white lines
and hushed by a drip
that robs my voice

that hush must be just the reason
I never paused even to ask myself if
I should stop

I realized I hurt
I realized I could forget
for a little while
I realized I found a way
I could breathe easy and smile
I realized it got out of control
I realized it went further than that
I realized it takes away everything that is me
but what the **** do I do
when I'm sober and
I realize this is reality

sssh listen
laudanum and lace
and everything tastes
like heaven
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