It's like drowning in a lake of blue flames.
It's like every pounding of your heart wanting someone you know you shouldn't have.
It's wanting so deeply that you breathe to feel that rush of desire consume every sense of your body.
It's a need to be near someone until your lips are on theirs.
It's a need to have their presence seep into yours like a warm blanket on a cold day.
Why do I have this desire if I am too selfless to feel it be fulfilled again?

One day I will marry someone but not right now because I am single.
Quite frankly I am enjoying being single.
One day someone will make me believe in true love again but not right now because it is difficult to find a soulmate.
One day I will be out of my parents' house where I will be free to make my own mistakes and achievements.
One day I will be out of my religious small town and have new start.
But until that day I will still be me because that isn't changing.

Those deep, dark blue eyes still echo remnants of our love.
Even it was an old love.
Those crimson lips, how I remember kissing those lips.
You came to check up on me while I was at work yesterday.
That dark tan skin, I remember it's softness.
I remember that defined muscles beneath that t-shirt.
I still remember your kind soul. And I remember you helped me through a panic attack when I used to work at Casey's.
I am glad that I met someone like you all those years ago. You are someone so endearing. I know you are my ex-girlfriend but if you are reading this thanks for all those years ago.

Growing up I remember in high school I was always single.
Valentine's Day is always a big thing in my small town.
But me being single in high school I didn't have anyone.
There was singing telegrams or crush soda can given to your crush.
But I never received a singing telegram or a crush soda.
Nobody had a crush on me well except my friend Ken.
Our senior year on Valentine's Day, he gave me a rose then we went to Sunrise Cafe as friends.
It wasn't until after I dropped out college he and I would go to romantic places as friends. He kept begging for us to be more than friends again. Then he would propose to me over text messages but I refused. He made me a last resort whenever a girl blocked him on the internet or didn't like him on a date. Simply because I would pick our hangout spots. He just wasn't romantic and his proposals weren't sincere. He just didn't want to be alone. And I refuse to be anyone's last resort. Even when he did make me a priority I could tell it was out of his loneliness, he wanted me not out of a sincere romantic notion of he thinks that I am important to him.
That's the difference between him and I: when I am romantic, I am sincere while he loved out of sense of misery. Then again our friendship ended because he was emotionally draining and he wasn't spontaneous or sincere. Sometimes two people who are total opposites shouldn't attract.

I haven't been called a spinster but I can tell what people are thinking when I walk by myself.
Or when I am at church with my mom then I get weird looks because I am 24 years old and single. So yeah you can call me a spinster because it is accurate.
But I am good alone. I don't need a relationship to define me. All of my friends are married and have kids or are in a relationship.
Sometimes I feel lonely because I don't have someone but when I am with my family or work friends I don't feel alone.

It's sitting in your bed reading a book having no idea what to do with your day.
It's standing in your room hearing the deafening silence and feeling like you are suffocating from being the only one there.
It's walking by yourself listening to music with a sad smile on your face hoping no one thinks you are depressed.
It's going to a cafe by yourself and trying not to feel like an emptiness is consuming you.
It's the loneliness that I am used to. I have grown so used to my solitude that I like being alone.

Nothing beautiful comes without a cost, to see a beautiful sunset you have to walk up a steep hill.
Nothing beautiful comes without a cost, to see the beautiful night sky you need a blanket to lay down in the grass.
Nothing beautiful comes without a cost, to get to know a beautiful girl you have to be courageous and ask questions.
Nothing beautiful comes without a cost, to love a beautiful girl you have to see beyond yourself and care for her as though she is the most important thing in your life because she might be.
Nothing beautiful comes without a cost, to kiss a beautiful girl is to experience your heart race, all of time stop for that moment and you hold her in your arms. For a split second all that matters is she loves you and only you in that moment.
Nothing beautiful comes without a cost, when a beautiful girl tells you that she loves you that is when you know she is worth it. Not because all those years you waited to hear from her but because she called you to tell you. And that beautiful girl hangs up before you get a chance to say it back, breaks your heart.
Nothing beautiful comes without a cost, that is my love story with a beautiful girl. I still think about her to this day. She is still alive just not from my town.