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  Oct 2015 Alexis
Tom Leveille
i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"

i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"

so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"

i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"

before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and

every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."

and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried
Alexis Sep 2015
"I would love to but I can't."
"I feel so bad."
"I am so sorry."
Sincere tones laced together in regret
I lost you
before I even found you.
"I wish I could find something to say."
"I hope someone else returns your feelings."
Wishes for the best
The best was from you.
Alexis Aug 2015
Salty tears
****** tears
******* tears
Dead tears
Heartbreak tears
Please come back tears
Tell me you're not gone tears
Why aren't you here anymore tears
It's too dark here tears
I can't find the words anymore tears
My mind is numb tears
I couldn't save you tears
Suffering tears
Please hold me tears
You're not coming back tears
Alexis Aug 2015
The stagnant watch of passerbyers
Penetrated with a needing of closure and a surrounding of homeliness
Words laced together in an order not distinguished
Without a sense of security and faith
It shatters and the phrase is broken
Just like everything else in the world and everything else that is just
But nothing is just
Nothing is certain
Burning. Molding. Changing
Life is not certain but it is meaningful
Only to those who can find meaning
In the pieces left behind by those before them
Who have created havoc
Who have created *******
Who have created falseness
Who are damaged
Who are wanting
Faith has created life
Faith has destroyed life
But get on your knees
Pray. Worship. Lie.
Nothing to save you
Nothing to save you
A bunch of fuckery
Myths all tied together
None is real
Suffering is imminent
Life is imminent
The passerbyer walks
With disappointment
Alexis Feb 2015
Your name felt bitter on my lips.
You touched her and I screamed.
You gave great hugs.
Your glares cut like knives.
Your laugh sounds empty.
Your smile is forced.
All you.
My name doesn't touch your lips.
I touch him and you don't care.
I held on for a little too long.
Eyes filled with tears instead of glares.
My laugh is full.
My smile is genuine.
So paradoxal.
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