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Lately, life has been a grenade.
When they planted it firmly in my hand, I was told,
"Now this could be a dud,
Or,
If you let go,
Something big could happen."
Some days my knuckles bleed,
Screaming for even a second of relaxation.
Some days, I look at the grenade
And wonder what the "something big" is.
Some days, it becomes slippery,
And I nearly drop it.
Most of the time, though
I'm so full of fear you could look in my ear
And pull out a nightmare.
Whether the fear is of the grenade,
The consequences of dropping it,
Or of my own clumsiness, I'm not sure.
But, I can tell you this.

Im ******* terrified.
And squeezing last memories, last words, and favorite moments
Into a single
Shaken
Breath.
Sometimes I wish
Something had gone different.
The problem is,
I don't know how
I would have changed the past.
Maybe swap out the ***** pillow
For a stuffed animal.
Maybe boil down the locations
Until one, final place
Was finally sanitized enough to call home.
Maybe a good parent,
Or even less bad ones.
Maybe,
By slapping each hand in the ***,
We could've made a soup
That didn't pull in every direction
Causing the flavor to fall immobile.
Of course, none of that matters now.
Your history, memories, experiences..
They all weigh so much,
It's almost like that time
Dad put his pistol
In his 5 year olds hands,
And explained how to stop bad people.

But that doesn't include him.
Right?

Bang.
Absent Minded Feb 27
I want you to know this:
I'm going to make sure you're okay.
No matter how many times my compassion
Is met with a fist,
Or a face-full of disappointment,
I'll teach you what kindness is about.
I'll show you that there's more to life
Than a slap in the face
Over something you never understood.
I'll be the moon that lights the way
And maybe
At the end of it all,
You could make this dot of light
Your shield
In return for keeping the sun held back
Since Ancient times.
Absent Minded Feb 26
Maybe it isn't true.
Maybe things are still the same.
Same me,
Same you,
Same attitude.
The only difference is now that there
Isn't a clear enemy,
You've hesitated.
Instead of resting,
You kept watch.
Instead of building, and bonding,
You were standing outside keeping the walls from flooding.
Instead of identifying the REAL issues,
You made the people who loved you
Your next target,
And as I watched you hang those pictures
On your jade guilded dart board,
I couldn't help but recognize
The look of uncertainty that followed.
You're angry because you don't know
How not to be.
It's like asking a blazing inferno in ****
To give you an ice cube;
It won't make sense to it, and if it tries,
It'll fail
And burn you
And your successes
With its very existence.
Absent Minded Feb 25
I wish you'd lower your fists.
I can see why you're angry.
All the unanswered questions,
All the tears left undried on your pillow,
All the screams into the universe
Only to be met with more hurt,
Or silence.
I know you're angry
Because you never got the choice to not be.
For you, life was a cracked hopscotch net
Made of broken glass and sleepless nights.
For you, every act of kindness was met
With more demanding tasks
You couldn't prepare for.
I know the only way
To get life to move
Was to make a fist,
And threaten the looming jungle before you.
But it isn't like that anymore.
  Feb 22 Absent Minded
Sam
It was a waiting room for the dying
A home for agony and fluorescent lights
Nurses dashing from bed to bed

I sat by your side
Wishing my soul he would instead take
I sat by your side
Wishing your eyes would finally awake

Fighting off each urge to sleep
As the clock crept deeper into the early-morning hours
I watched your face slowly come alive
For once that fateful night
I knew things would be alright
Absent Minded Feb 22
The path to "better" changes
From person to person.
I want you to be better
In the same way that I want me to be.
Even if I have to take this
Broken, and blood stained machete
That was once used
To ward off those who cared
And storm into the unknown,
Blinding, and binding forest
Alone.
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