The chemicals in leafs allow for amazing things
Leafs process their own food from something as basic as light
And, with just a few other things, break apart those compunds and produce something entirely new

But beautiful flowers and sugars aren't live's most marvelous miracle
Love and pain and growth and friendship elude
For all the chemicals they boast, dopamine isn't among them
They are alive, but they don't live

While sentience escapes them
Perhaps that isn't the key
Because when you have thoughts and neurons firing
And yet there's a crushing abyss yawning
Somewhere deep inside you
That's when things get scary

Leafs are a simple thing
Not at all scary
You always think there are worse things to be than a leaf
But when you're a leaf
Empty and beautiful
Emotionless and amazing
There may be beautiful things you make
Beautiful crazy wonderful things
Leaves all have one thing in common

Because they all inevitably fall
And people pass them by
Without notice

crunch crunch crunch

And then you're gone

It’s said
Glittering things just in the distance do not always mean that gold is just within reach
for fools gold is so much nearer to the truth

And in a similar vein
Smiles and laughter do not always denote happiness
because those in the most pain know well enough how to hide it
and that you would probably prefer it that way

And just like mining,
One has to dig past the surface
To see whats hidden within
So break out your pickaxe
and plop on your safety gear
and if you care as much as you like to say you do
Get ready to work
and dig
and get *****

Who knows what you’ll find
Diamonds or coal
Riches or nothing at all
Gold or pyrite
The truth or another lie
For even past surface level
Things can remain hidden in the dark

Just when you think you’ve reached the treasure
You’ve searched for so desperately
Your foot might fall upon something you didn’t even see
A pitfall perhaps
and down you go
Further from your goals than ever before

If there’s one thing i’ve learned in my life
It’s how to set traps and barricades
So unwary spelunkers never touch my heart
and only those who really care will get close
Close enough to free my heart from the barbed wire prison I created

My gold and treasure
My friendship
Is only for those who can earn my trust
Because while my body isn’t a temple
My soul is sacred land
Never to be desecrated by uncaring hands
And I will never let the hymns and lullabies I whisper myself to sleep with
To encourage myself
To let myself dream for a bright future
Be taken

I will never see them ruined or changed to fit the agenda of the uncaring deity you see yourself as
Instead I’ll bury them in the sacred land of my heart
Only to be found by those deserving
I will never allow myself to lose the love I have to give
For friends and family
For even after I dissipate into the end
Into the resounding, echoing, heartbreaking “Nevermore!”
My whispered lullabies will remain for those who earned the right to listen
And so for now I'll leave my treasure locked and buried
My love safe within my heart, my temple
Until you can prove to me you deserve it

Scars criss cross my mind
Faded lines tangled like a web
The web of fears deep within me
Has my heart in a chokehold
And keeps me trapped within my anxieties
My pale skin and fat rolls become more rigid
Like the iron bars on a gilded cage
My words are trapped in the prison I've become
Social obligations becoming my shackles
Due dates I'm too weary to handle
And events I won't attend
My body has become my prison,
But there's no bail,
The security too strong for a jail break
All there is is eternity,
And a lifetime sentence

I’m not interested in your
Once upon a times
Or
Happily Ever Afters
Because I get it

Really, I do

I don’t need your fairy tales
Or your white lies
All I want is the truth
Answers to my questions
The truth about love

The lies about friendship
Washed away

I’m old enough, mature enough
I deserve the truth
Eros or Otherwise
Can love last?

And if time is the test
That decides if we last
I think I might skip class
And just never take it

And instead snuggle down
With Cinderella or Rapunzel
Stay up late and watch
As Harry and Ron’s friendship blossoms
But never dies

Because unlike them
I’ll never experience something so true
If I can’t get my answers
I so desperately desire
I’ll take your sweet lullabies
And your *poisoned goodbyes

I was always told to be careful
If I ever was to go to the ocean
(Which,
By the way,
I never have)
That I needed to be careful
Because I might get pulled beneath
The crashing waves
By the under tow

But no one tells you,
How careful you need to be
Inside your own head

I find that sometimes
My own thoughts
Scare me more,
Much more,
Than the idea of drowning

If self loathing is in style,
I must be a top model