you don't have a home
you create a home inside of others
you built a home in me, you made me your home
to you home was wherever i was
in order to build a home you need an empty space
if theres no empty space you have to destroy, abolish, demolish everything in sight
[why so selfish?]
but i didn't mind
i let you destroy every part of my being
i let you build a home inside me
i let you replace my memories with lovely memories of us in that home
you never gave me the key to the front door
you knew my trembling hands could never pick the lock
the door was locked for a day
a week
a month
my heart pounds, my hands shake
[ youre gone, youre gone, i need to find you, you need the key, i need you]
my hands begin to feel weak
i fall to my knees
my heart beats faster
[i cant catch up]
you're gone
my ribs are bruised
my knuckles are sore
her home is an abandoned building
my soul is a ghost town

i wish i was hidden away somewhere in your mind
along the string of memories that come forth every once in a while
snuggled in between your first heartbreak and the time you knew you wanted to stay alive
i wish i was the thought you slept on
that split second when you wake up and everything is okay in the morning
your calm before the storm and your calm after
your go to
your lifeline
your lifetime.

i threw in my pennies and dimes hoping to hear a chime
that turns into a ring
that turns into a “hello, i miss you”

i drown in the thought of you
until my face turns into a purple hue
i know you never meant to bruise my heart and turn it black and blue
i spoke to God about you
hoping my prayers would get through
but God doesn't exist to you

i wish you knew
maybe you do
maybe this wasn't so hard for you
i know you think this wasnt right
but here i am writing to you
letters that are long overdue

i think about you on most days
some more than others
sometimes i hide under the covers
hoping i might fall asleep and meet you in my dreams
where i dont feel like i need to stay upon this balance beam
hanging above distant memories that are falling apart at the seams

the sound of you, it fades with each passing day
i'm left wondering whether i should mourn your loss or just rejoice and walk away
if you asked me to, i would have stayed
left everything behind and walked your way
but you never asked
you never called
and it seems as though you never will

all i ask i that you come
meet me in a café somewhere
over there where faces are unfamiliar and everything is new
i bet you my life you wont recognize me
i am now the product of you
or rather, the lack of you.

so i tried to say goodbye
but my words tumble upon one another as they pass through the lump in my throat
i stutter  
all i am able to say is
my last penny goes out to you
this is our wishing well
i wish you well

I always told you i dont know what i did to deserve you,
And maybe i didnt deserve you.
But i still love you like theres no tomorrow
Maybe you just came along to show me life was worth living,
Indeed it was after i met you
[emphasis on after]
But it means nothing without you.
Ever since i met you ive beaten myself up over the times i wasnt there for you.
They asked me to describe you and all i could think of was the warmth of your hugs and the sound of your voice,
The way you put up a brave front all the time,
Your inner child,
Your giggle and your smile,
They asked me if i like to go sight-seeing,
But all i could think of is how your eyes shine like the full moon,
how your hugs make me feel like im at the top of the highest mountain
So yes i do like sight seeing
They asked me once if i like to swim
And all i can think of is how your voice makes me feel like im floating in the ocean.
So yes i do like swimming.
My love for you is like numbers
Never ending
Infinite
All i want you to know is that i spend most of my time thinking about you
Hoping we'd be thinking of the same thing
So that our thoughts would meet
Right now im thinking of the ocean
(I hope you are too)
Our thoughts could cross paths at the ocean
(Maybe not)
I will always think to myself
'You'd love this, i wish you were here'
Because everything beautiful makes me sigh,
Sigh because as beautiful as it is it doesn't compare to your beauty
You're stubborn and im hot headed
You're insane and i love you

she was broken and fragile
[she is beautiful]
she wanted to give up
[she's nineteen turning twenty]
i loved her and i didn't know why
[she's perfect]
im glad she didn't give up and I'm glad she pulled through
[she's happy now]
she's stronger than anyone I've ever met
[she's  alive. she's well. she's okay]

every seven years
all the cells in your body renew
oh how comforting it is to know that in a few years
i would be untouched by you
the remains of your fingerprints will fade
they will seize to exist
[do i want you permanently gone?]
im indecisive
all i know is that i love you
all i know is that i'd die for you, even live for you
all i know is that i didnt give up on you
did you know you were going to give up on me
**just say no

Would you trust me?
Dance with me? Dance with me.
Lets dance to music only we can hear
“Let’s”
We moved our feet to the tune of a harp so delicate
That it didn’t even feel like dancing
It felt like floating so high up
We could’ve French kissed the heavens
Leaving our bodies behind
Soaking in our surroundings
Soul on soul
And that’s when I fell so hard in love
I was drawn right back into my body.
At that moment I knew
I knew that the hanging gardens of Babylon were hidden in the plums of your cheeks
The lighthouse of Alexandria was dug deep into your iris
That who ever built the temple of Artemisia was inspired by the wonders of your mind.
I was never good at dancing,
You didn’t mind at first
But I stepped on your toes one too many times,
And with every apology I blurted,
I watched the light in your eyes grow brighter
That’s when I knew,
That’s when I knew that all that radiating light wasn’t the lighthouse of Alexandria
It was just reflections off all the exit signs
All the stop signs
Turn back signs
Dead end signs
You’ve always had one foot out the ******* door,
You were a runner and you were always ready
Ready to sprint so far across the country at the slightest scent of commitment
And so you ran and I followed
Until my legs felt like twigs that can no longer support me
Until my heart couldn’t beat any harder
I chased after your trail of dust until there was no trail left to follow
You’ve always had such a light step to you,
I used to love it when we’d dance
I used to love it before it had me chasing ghosts across a dessert so empty that it starts to look like the grains of sand were shards of my heart.



“I water my plants until they drown & this is the only way i know how to love”

New beginnings?
I need one of those
[no titles, no labels]
I wrote my story with a typewriter
Every letter i wrote could not be erased
Permanent marks
A whole book and every letter was for you
[my typewriter is worn out]
My past drags itself behind me as if it were my shadow
[How painful would it be to rip off your own shadow?]
I need a new start
Lock away this typewriter
Abandon this book
with its worn out spine and a broken back
[guess I visit memory lane a bit too much]

drifting slowly
counting sheep
i meet you in my sleep
bombshell lingers in the air
i love to meet you there
in my dreams we live on
i watch you walk out and hop in my front seat
we’d listen to iris and XO
(****, i loved your x’s n o’s)
you’d pray for it to rain
the rain was our sign,
when it poured we were always fine.

in my sleep
it feels so real
my fingers run a marathon across your skin
i feel the butterflies sometimes
when i look into those eyes
it feels like heaven
but there goes the alarm
its eleven

you know what they say,
“hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone”

the rain was our sign,
or so i thought
maybe all that rain wasn't beautiful
maybe it was the skies sobbing over a love soon lost
a summer approaching
a lover drifting.

the receptionist at the front desk of my temporal lobe welcomed you everyday
she handed you the visitors log and watched you sign it
"welcome back"
scanning across
your name was signed everyday
never at intervals more than an hour apart  
the closer i got to the bottom of the log
i noticed you started missing days
weeks
months
i guess you just got busy during visiting hours,
the card reader at my cerebral cortex  
says you forgot to punch in your card before my dreams took over.

i did not bother to look for you anymore
and thats when i felt my bones soften
i didn't realize how hard ive become
until i felt the shaft of my bone fill itself with cotton
i felt my spine extend releasing the secrets you held in between
i dont carry the weight of your world anymore

in the grey and white matter where thoughts are birthed and memories are cradled
your voice no longer lives
the curl of your lips when you smile, your eyes and the palms of your hand have been evicted
you've packed and moved to a home within another
blue neon lights now illuminate the 'no vacancy' sign that hangs where your favorite welcome mat used to lay
i hope you've enjoyed your stay.

you clawed at my skin
stripped me down to my core
ripped me apart
left me bare and vulnerable
i began to  feel so empty
isnt it amazing me how much space emptiness can take up inside you?
[comeback]
i try to pick myself up
my hands quiver as i try to pick up the broken pieces shattered on the floor
i break apart repeatedly
panic spreads through me
[it begins]
my body begins to shake
i'm sorry
im so sorry
i feel its texture between my fingers
between my lips
inhale, exhale
it feels like sweet poison
it fills up the emptiness
my insides are toxic
my insides are burning
just put me out
stop this burning desire

You are everything.
I know people come and go,
but i want you to stay
you are everything to me
Everything from my smile in the morning to the smile right before i sleep.
You're the shiver that runs down my spine
the light at the end of the tunnel.
You can be the sun and i can be the horizon
we'll collide and create something astonishingly beautiful
You're perfect, its thats simple and that complicated.

This writer does not want me to have a happy ending,
This writer decided it was time for a plot twist
I kept flipping the pages eager to see whats next
You're in my arms, you're in my arms
But whats a story without a ******
The ****** was my destruction
It all changed
[it?]
you changed
I don't know you anymore
Is your favorite color still blue?
Is your favorite number still twenty six?
Am I engraved in your mind
Or am I a rusted memory
I'll keep this door open
[dont mind my shattered pieces]
I'll keep my heart open if you need a shelter
a place to keep you safe

i hold the memory of your between my palms
your life is hanging on lilac strings tied to the tips of my fingers like a marionette doll,
i swing you into my present
dancing to tunes of music that used to move you,
pull at your heart strings.

all i have to do is stop moving my hands in curves and lines
all i have to do is stop letting you preform pirouettes and arabesques over sheets of paper that have not yet been introduced to the idea of you

i birthed an image of you so beautiful it could live on for eons
but you will no longer live through the words i speak,
you will no longer live in between the pages i keep
you will only reside limbo
in distant memories
fading away steadily, slowly

i loosened the strings
one bye one, your limbs began to go limp
you are no longer the ballerina
light on her feet
twirling in cursive and italics
you’re the ghost of a lover i had painted and framed front and center.

(this is when i take away your immortality
this is where you end and i begin.)

consider this your elegy
rest in peace, lover.