It makes you stronger, doesn't last longer, I get that.
But what am I supposed to do with this load of sadness right now?

The clouds are weeping for you,
Awaiting for the time to surface.

Can't you hear the raging storm outside?
Can't you hear them calling for you?

No matter what I say,
No matter what I do,
There's no way for me to save you.

people romanticize self-harm
as if it's nothing special
and really, no one is alarmed
everyone's stopped being careful

it's not just about the blood
it really eats your heart out
the suffering makes your head flood
and everything seems so loud

you can't just seek pitiful attention
saying "oh, look, i'm depressed"
you really do deserve a lecture
because the real deal would say so much less

cutting ruins your body
it also pierces your soul
you seek a friend or just anybody
but you always end up alone

the cup of coffee in the morning
is the only thing keeping you alive
the rest of the time you're crying
trying to get thoughts out of your mind

you've got a stash of blades
hiding under your bed
today your sister got engaged
and you might end up dead

you try to down twenty pills
with a chug of burning *****
maybe then you'd see flowery hills
but it's just likely to cause you trauma

you stare at your own blank wall
trying to find a slimmer of hope
and nobody's there to watch you fall
as you exit this life with some dope

"ugly as we are,"
                      you said to me
                      as you held my hand,
"the reflection of this horrible world
shown on the mirror
every time we look up."

                      you were slowly fading,
                      and i could see your eyes turning glassy.

                      a tear fell,
                      not only from your eye,
                      but also from the sky
                      to where i looked up
                      and saw the reflection of the world

"ugly as we are,"
                      i said with an empty hand,
"a horrible world
without you in it."

Prozac and Tic Tacs
That's what keeps me sane
One keeps my mouth clean
The other Scrubs my brain
These small sweet little pills I pop
One

                now two

                                         now four

I wonder what would happen if I took a couple more

I can't believe you just said that to me
( please, you are the only one I expect kindness from, do not say such things, I'll forgive you if you never do that again)

Go away, leave me alone.
( please, hug me tightly, tell me you're sorry and don't let me go until my muscles relax after I feel convinced, please be convincing)

I really don't care what you do right now
( please, do what i hope for. I care so much, deeply and you affect my actions and feelings greatly, take my hand and make things right)

I can't take this anymore, I can't stand you.
( please, change just that one behaviour and I will accept all the rest of you genuinely. for the others qualities are so good, you're a great guy)

Let go of my hand, you're hurting me
( please, my emotions are soft, I'm fragile and gentle, I feel no physical pain at this moment. I am not a weak snail. I'm a lioness but I am hurt by what you did, don't let my hand free, hold the other and look at me as you explain to me, to correct the issue. I'm eagerly waiting on you)

You always do this to me
( please, lets figure this out, you've done this once before, but we never dealt with the underlying issue, we were too eager to kiss and make up, wanting things to be perfect again, let's just talk this through, find the root and pluck this **** before it grows)

I never want to see you again!
( please,don't leave, why would I ever want you to leave? If you leave, even for five minutes I will  suffocate, let me breathe, stay with me, I love you. please don't leave me!)

you never listen to me!
( please, don't listen to what I'm saying right now. I'm just so angry, saying things I don't mean to seem tough and far from the fact that I need you in my life, you are my everything, ignore my harsh words.)

I will never forgive you.
( please, know that i have already forgiven you, it wasn't that big of a problem, I'm over reacting out of fear that this may happen again, it IS the second time. though we never actually dealt with it, so we are not to blame, we simple must try to solve this not avoid it. we can do it)

I'm sorry ...I love you. I'm so glad we are good again. I missed you so much**
( I'm not sorry. this was excellent training for the both of us. we needed it. Now we are more secure. we have a mutual understanding. a loving connection and treat each other better. I love you more now. I miss you incredibly. You are my one and only forever and always.

2017