I wanna be numb.

I want to feel the familiar buzz in my chest.

I want to be fearless around other people.

I want to spend a night with someone random.

I want to not care about love for one night.

I want to feel nothing but numb.

I want to dance with random people.

I want to be free and wild.

For one night.

All I want to think about, is alcohol.

I don't know anymore

I don't know how to live

How to be happy

How to take care of yourself

How to live with depression

How to be me

How to not fight with my family

How to not snap at them every second of every day

How to tell the truth to my mom

I don't know anymore

How to want to be alive

How to not want to **** myself

I don't know anymore

How I'm going to do it

And when exactly is my last day.

I feel like I'm breaking
                Everyday it's a new bone

Broken, Bruised all of this and more
               I feel like my mind is racing

So many thoughts
               Not enough room

So many things to keep track of
               Yet I'm still able to function

I'm still able to fake my happiness
               I'm able to convince everyone else that I'm okay

But truth is
                       I'm still breaking

Little by little
                                         Everyday

And soon enough
                                                                  I will fall apart completely

He broke up with me.

It was sudden and painless.

I didn't cry.

I was fine.

I moved on really fast.

I'm already moved on.

I have a new person already.

She's amazing.

Better than him.

Better than he could ever be.

I think I'm broken

I'm not quite sure how this happened

But I what I do know, is that my heart was shattered into a million pieces

My mind has self destructed into toxic thoughts

I can't stop thinking of my blade

I can't stop thinking about running it across my skin again

I want to see my blood run down my leg

I am broken

And I don't know why

I am learning to love myself

I am learning to embrace my scars

To embrace a little extra skin

To feel okay no matter what I'm wearing

To not let the words get to me

To not let them pierce my skin

They will ricochet off my skin

They will only make me stronger

And soon enough,

I'll be stronger than you

Watch out, I'm coming for you.

I don't know why I keep crying

What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I keep my emotions stable?

Why is this happening to ME

Why!?

Why can't I just be normal

For once in my miserable life

I have a great girl

I have amazing friends

Supportive parents

Understanding siblings

So why me

Why does this still happen to me

After all these years of not feeling okay

Why can't it just go away

Why can't I just stop crying

I love everyone in my life

I'm not so sure that I love life anymore

Or even myself.

I cry myself to sleep a lot

Almost every night

I'll cry myself to sleep tonight

I can see it now,

Head in my pillow to muffle the sobs so my sister won't hear me

I won't tell you that I'm crying

I don't want you to worry

I can't have you worry about me anymore than you already do

Which is a lot

So I'll just cry by myself

Without anyone knowing

All alone

Like I'm meant to be

Dear dad,

Why?

Why were you such a bad person that mom doesn't want me to see you?

Why were you such a bad person that mom doesn't want you to know that I exist?

Why me?

Everyone else gets to say "My Dad"

But I don't

I get to say "My Stepdad"

But hey it's okay

You only missed 16 years

And not to mention not being there for my siblings

No, Grandma has to

Why?

Am I not good enough?

Did I do something wrong?

Tell me

What is it?

I want to know

If i can improve

If I can do something that will make everything better

To make the pain go away

Because if there is

I want to try

But dad

I need your help

You have to try too

You have to be my dad

Darkness, thats all I can see.

No light, no glimmer of hope.

No way out, no way in.

How did I end up here?

How do I escape?

Simple, I don't.

When will the light kiss my face again?

When will the wind caress my skin?

When will the grass tickle my feet?

It wont.

I will never be allowed to leave.

I can never be who I once was.

I can never go back.

I might be happy now but that can change.

The darkness will slip it's cold dark hand into my heart and steal it away.

How long will this last?

When will it be over?

When will my cries be heard?

When will this darkness release me from it's grasp?

The answer?

Never.

I wanna die

I'm not going to **** myself

But if I were to get hit by a truck, I wouldn't care

I would be so okay with that

I don't wanna live on this earth anymore

But I'm not making suicide plans anytime soon

I don't want to be alive

I just don't know what to do

I know that I'm a disappointment.

I've only been told that half a million times.

It's a running joke within the family now.

I know that I get angry at you.

I know I fight with you.

I know I make things hard.

And as much as you don't think so,

I'm trying really hard.

I'm trying to be better.

I'm trying to better myself.

Get my grades up.

And fix myself for you.

But to you,

I'll always be a dissapointment.

I can't take this anymore

I can't keep living this life

I can't stay on this Earth anymore

Not when my only friend is my Razor

When my only solace is hurting myself

When the only thing that comforts me is the demon in my head

I feel like my friends don't love me the way that they say they do

I want to be done with this life so badly

I want to be done with the way life treats me

But that's life huh?

That's the way it is for everyone isn't it?

But for me it seems worse

It seems like everyone is out to get me

I'm done with everything

But at the same time

I still try, I still strive to be perfect

I try for my family, for my boyfriend, for my friends

I try but at the same time I'm done

How can that be?

I feel like I'm drowning in sea of you

You are a sea,

And I'm person who cant swim

I fall out of my safe haven

My old relationship

And I fall into you

You mean no harm

But to my demons it doesnt seem that way anymore.

To them you are a typhoon waiting to drown me with vigor

But all you want to do is safely guide me to shore

But on your bad days, the storms are so bad that I can barely keep my head above the water

On the good days, I float on my back and soak up the sun

I never know what to expect

But today

I'm drowning

And there's no help in sight

My heart beats like a drum.

It only beats that way for you.

The steady beat thrums in my chest.

'*** *** *** ***'

If you are near it speeds up.

'BumBumBumBumBum'

When you are away it gets softer.

'***        ***       ***       ***'

I love the sound, oh how beautiful it is.

I hear yours too when my head is on your chest.

It speeds up when I smile at you.

Does it slow when I leave you?

Or does it stay the same, unbothered by the lack of my presence.

I need to know, if your drum reacts the same as mine.

Two drums beating in harmony.

Two drums beating in time.

Everyone fears something.

Whether it's the dark

Or spiders

Or thunder

Or people

Everyone has a fear

But some fears are worse than others

Some people fear the unknown

Some even fear, fear itself

Me? I have a lot of fears.

The one that outweighs the rest though,

Would have to be looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person looking back at me.

Forgive me father for I have sinned...

I said this a lot when I was younger

But now it's,

Forgive me Mother for I have lied.

Or,

Forgive me my love for I have hurt myself.

My entire life, I have been asking for forgiveness.

They say that they forgive me

That all is forgotten.

But it's not.

I'm not trusted.

I'm not trusted to do things with friends.

I'm not trusted around sharp objects.

They never forgave me.

So I guess I'll have to ask again.

When will you learn

That I am not a toy

I am not here for your entertainment

I do not exist for you

I exist for me

I don't dress for you

I dress for me

I don't need your approval

I don't need your permission

I want to be free

Not trapped in a cage like a bird

Singing a song of misery

I want to spread my wings and fly

I don't want you

I want me

And that's what I'll have.

we have a future

both of us do

whether we're together or apart

we have a future

nothing is certain

nothing is written in stone

but the future is inevitable

sure, we can hang onto the past

but that will never stop the future from coming

so live in the moment with me

let's live and love together

and maybe

our future will be together

for the rest our lives

living in harmony

in our future

I've lied

To everyone

I told them all that I don't think like that anymore

That all those thoughts are gone

But they aren't

And if anything

They're getting stronger.

****

*****

*****

*****

That's all we hear

Everyday

Over and over again

When does it end

When will the stigma fade?

Girls,

We are beautiful

We are strong

We are not;

Fragile

Made of sugar and spice and everything nice

We are made of steel

We are born of strong mothers

And Grandmothers who went through it all

Who carried the weight of the world on their backs to make a better world for us.

We are told from a young age that we can't do anything

And I'm here to change that

Be you

Be strong

Be like a girl.

My happiness is gone.

I don't know where it went.

It might have slipped out of my heart and up my throat while I was sleeping.

Or someone might have stolen it.

All I know is that it's gone forever.

I have my happy pills.

They force fake happiness into my brain.

They trick my heart into thinking that I'm happy.

They trick my friends into thinking I'm happy.

They trick him into thinking I'm happy.

They trick my family into thinking I'm happy.

But the worst of all is that they trick me into thinking I'm happy.

My happiness is gone.

Where could it have gone?

Maybe it's there behind your ear.

Or hidden in a hat.

Is this a magic trick?

One where you wave your hand over the hat and say the 'magic word'?

This is a cruel trick.

One that can't be undone.

My happiness is gone.

And its no where to be found.

I'm leaving today
                                I'm not coming back
                                                                ­    I'm sorry it's so sudden
But I can't take it anymore
                                            Everyone tried to help
                                                                ­                  But nothing works
I can't tell my friends
                                   They worries too much
                                                                ­            And I love them too much
I can't tell my mom
                                 She'll lock me away
                                                            ­         As if I'm not already a prisoner
A prisoner in my own mind
                                              Locked away
                                                                       Where no one can find me
No one will ever understand
                                               How I feel
                                                                   Or what it takes out of me
I can't tell anyone
                              How many sleepless nights
                                                                             I've endured over the years
Or how many times
                                   I've cried in my room
                                                                        Not daring to make a sound
In fear someone will hear
                                           That they'll find out
                                                                             what I've been hiding
So goodbye
                         Because with some luck
                                                                   I wont be coming back.

I get it.

You've known her longer.

Been friends longer.

And I'm just a passing phase.

Just a play thing.

Something to get your mind off of her.

I get it.

But it hurts.

It hurts to know that I'll never be yours.

And you mine.

It hurts that she's my bestfriend.

Who hides nothing from me.

And surely didn't hide this.

I see the looks you give her.

The ones you don't give me.

I see the lingering touches.

So yeah I get it.

Just don't break her heart like you broke mine.

My arms and thigh itch at the thought

The thought of running that razor across my skin

The thought of leaving my sadness behind

I want it to end

The pain..the sadness..the void in my chest

I want to give into the itch

I want to take the leap into the chasm

I want to see what's on the other side

I want to leave everything behind

I want to scratch this itch

My mind is killing me

It's telling me that I'm worthless

That I'm better off dead

No one loves me

And they never will

So I should take all of those pills

I should take that razor down my arms

And just leave everyone alone

For good.

I'm scared,

Scared that I'll go off the deep end.

Scared that I'll do something I regret.

Scared that I'll hurt the ones I love.

But life....

Life is hard right now.

Life is definitely not on my side at the moment.

I have so much stress

Way too much for a highschool student.

So yeah,

I'm scared,

And this time my friends are too.

Your lies lured me in

They sounded sickly sweet

If only they were true

Maybe I would've stayed longer

Maybe I would never have walked away

Maybe we would still be together

But your lies stopped

I was no longer beautiful

I needed to lose weight

I was no longer your girl

I was your responsibility

I was no longer worthy of your love

I was only worthy of the truth

The painful painful truth

But no matter how painful it was,

I stayed

And I listened

Until one day you lied again

I finally saw through the facade of your lies

I no longer held onto the notion that I was nothing

I became myself again, well as much of myself that I could

I left you and never looked back

You called and texted, but I never answered

I finally had you out of my life

And I was going to be free

Until I wasn't

You showed up again

You sweet talked me into believing you again

This time it went too far

I believed you a little too much

So much that I'm now six feet under

In a way that's a good thing

It means that I don't have to hear your sweet lies ever again.

Your light outshines the rest

It's brighter and sweeter

It bekons me like a ship to a lighthouse

Like a moth to a flame

I can't get too close though,

I fear I might burn myself

I feel like you will push me away

That you'll ignore me

That you'll laugh at me  

Somedays, I see your light and think to myself,

What would I do to bask in your light?

To shine brighter than the rest

But you dont see me

You don't even know I'm alive

For I am just darkness

And you are light

Love between us is forbidden

And why would you love me?

I bring fear

You bring hope and happiness and life

You'll never feel the same

Why?

I am darkness

And you are light

I have these little white lines

They're on my thighs

They tell the stories

Of the times I sat in my bathroom and cried

Of the times I felt truly alone

Of the times that I was told that I'm not loved

They bled

And they stung

But I still did it

Time and time again

Like it was nothing

I was told to stop

Or they would lock me up

So I stopped letting people find out

No one knew

I was so good at hiding it

Until one day

Someone hit my thigh and everyone found out

They were so upset

I stopped

And now all  I have are lines

To remind me

That at one point

I wanted to hurt myself

Truth is

That sometimes, I still want to

I lost her

Because of that ******* monster

He ripped my heart out of my chest

Yet it still longs for him

I thought I could forget about him

I thought that everything would be okay

But it's not, I'm not

I lost her

She is so amazing

She's the light in my darkness

But now...

She's gone

And it's all his fault

When you say love what's the first thing that comes to your mind?

Does pain come up?

How about suffering?

How about tears?

Fights?

Yelling?

Yes, love can be bliss and it can be pure.

But that's not it.

Love isn't always kind.

Love can be cruel.

Cupid can shoot you with the arrow but not the person you now love.

Unrequited love is the worst kind.

But when two people are in love, it's a feeling that can't be expressed in words.

It can be hell.

But if you are truly in love, you can overcome anything.

Love me tenderly

No not like that

Softer, Sweeter, With more love

They way it's supposed to be

Don't leave me

Nevermind don't look at me

I'm sorry, I love you

I don't care I hate you

I can't make up my mind

But all I know for sure is that I want you.

It creeps up on my like a monster in the dead of night.

Sharp claws ready to puncture my skin.

Giant mouth ready to devour my soul.

Piercing eyes to see my every secret.

Ears to hear all of my fears.

It knows that I'm afraid.

It knows that I'm alone.

Vulnerable.

And it waits.

Until the tears start to flow and the sobs tear my throat.

And then it strikes.

Filling my head with lies it creates to make my head swim.

Telling me that I would be better off dead.

And worst of all,

I begin to believe it.

I begin to succumb to wanting to die.

And I let this monster take over my mind.

Until I only have one option.

Death.

My mood changes pretty drastically

I can be super happy and bubbly

And then super angry and silent

My friends get confused

My family thinks I'm crazy

But none of that matters

What matters is that my brain is at war with itself

That everyday, I'm fighting myself

To be nicer

To be a better friend

A better daughter

A better girlfriend

To be better.

My mood changes drastically

And one day

I'll end up alone because of it.

This feeling isn't new

But I hate it

I hate the way she looks at me when I talk about you

I hate the way my mom hates you

I hate the way my sister doesn't trust you

You've been nothing but good to me

You give me the love I need

You whisper 'I love you' into my ear when we hug

And don't even get me started on your kiss.

This feeling isn't new

I've felt like this for a while

I've been in love with you since the first time we made eye contact

The first time we touched

The first time you said 'hello'

So much has changed since then

Both of us have gone through some pretty toxic relationships

We held each other when we cried

We talked into the late hours of the night

We waited for each other

Even though it may not seem that way

But in the back of our heads

We knew

I knew

You're the one

So yeah, this isn't new

But everyday is a new day

And I want to spend every new day with you

For the rest of our lives.

I have a noose in my drawer

It calls out to me sometimes

It calls my name in the dead of night

Luring me to tie it to my fan

Stand up on that chair

And drop.

It tells me that it would look pretty around my neck

Like a diamond necklace

It tells me that everything would be better

If I just died

If I got away from this hell called Earth

It tells me that no one really loves me anyway

So why not,

Just jump from that chair

With my pretty necklace tied around my neck

And when they find me,

They won't be sad

They'll be happy that I'm finally gone

Out of their lives

No longer a burden

No longer a pest

No longer Breathing

And six feet under the ground

Where I belong.

My thoughts are like ice cold water

When they wash upon my brain, it numbs

I have been numb for oh so long

So that's why I use my razor

Because, for a moment I feel something

I feel the pain I know I deserve

Because I'd rather feel the pain than feel numb.

Your skin is like paper

It cuts so easily

One razor can ruin your skin

It can cause permanent scars

Ones that never fade

Ones that will always be there to remind you that you are nothing