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I have rediscovered the beauty in between notes
In between words
In the pauses; in the silence, in the cold
In the negative spaces.

I tried to make all those spaces positive. I didn't understand why
It never felt right
But here I am
With so much negative space
I finally feel free
It used to be that my embrace
Could fix anything
And now it just makes more problems
At a time when we’re up to our ears
In challenges
And I don’t know what to do
I’m praying to a god I don’t believe in
Hoping for the storm to clear but this time
It isn’t just going to clear up
This time it is different
This time

I really don’t know
How to be in these moments
When they hurt so badly
Might lose the love of my life
The best part of my life
My better half
Because I was so stupid, cold, cruel and ugly
I want her to have better
She doesn’t deserve this but does it ****** me
Every time I think about it
Tears overrun my face
And I don’t know what to do
Where to go
What to say

To make it stop
This time the bleeding may never stop
I don’t know for how many years I will bleed out
She thinks it is no big deal for me
Doesn’t realize what a massive deal she is in my eyes
Or understand what I have felt

There is a schism between us and I may never cross it
There is a cut across your heart and every time I look into it I cry
I need space to mourn
When she is the one hurting
I hurt her
And she never deserved
Any of it
Not a single shred of it
She didn’t deserve it yet I crushed her
Obliterated her
She should leave me
I should be alone
I can resume now
Each goosebump like a little razor
Perking up when I hear any mention of my name
I need to be alone now

I need to be alone for years
Why was I ever given two hands? I’ve only used them to wreck
And to steal
And all those good things that I never deserved I
Have basically stolen
Because I have been afraid
Of not deserving them

I am not afraid now but maybe it is too late

I may not ever bounce back but lord I pray that she does
She deserves the world
And I don’t know how I will ever love anyone else? I don’t know how to express this whirlwind of emotions beyond its complicated
Beyond saying I was hot and cold
I crushed it all
she is gone

I am

and all these years we spent building I shattered
it all
reckless is what I am

A ******* idiot
Beyond ******* words
Beyond saving
Beyond beauty
So far beyond beauty

She deserves better
sometimes it's like you're going to leave me
because I'm a dude
no feelings, no compass, no personality, no life
but I know that I've had to survive as a chameleon
and that my center most core adores you and is so in tune with you
and you know it, too

granted, I have been a menace to our peace
to your prosperity
I've been dead, cold, ugly
and all the things we swore off together
I've foresaken our past, our wonderful relationship
it was me. I'm the crook. For no good reason. just lacking in luster, divorced from his (their?) own feelings, not knowing how to live.

I hate that I am like this too.
I've been a coward
Never saying what I feel or think
Submissive, quiet and sad. I've been abused
and I've been letting myself be abused for so long

It's so ugly
And I've let those I love be abused
I'm spineless and I can't stand up like this
I need to grow some spine

I never thought I would talk about myself like this
Yet here I am

It's the truth is all it is

I have been a coward

I will finesse this moment, I swear it,
breath life into myself in this poem

because I love you more than anything else in this world
you give me life, Hiba, give me meaning, beauty, desire.
you give me it all; and I wouldn't actually be living without you
I'd be running on empty
and yet that's how I've had you run
without an ally

I'm so sorry. I will never forget this.

I will be so assertive; so aggressive; so forward; so fearless. Today is new. In this poem I am rebirthed.
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