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blackmarketcat Aug 2020
I've been walking the edge of panic attack
for almost 5 days now
I am terrified
I . am. terrified .

I have been holding off on feeling anything for years
and this dam that I built is like artillery
waiting for the cue
from physics
the thawing
from numbing
the call
from fate

and I feel the dam breaking
the third panic attack this week is brewing
inside of me

I need a poem to hold the pain

speak to me poem

tell me about the things I have done

tell me about how I hurt everyone

tell me about my shame based self

that I should not be feeding any poetry like this to

tell me about that pig at the trough that is munching on my soul

as the world around me spirals and I

breathe heavily; breathe heavily; breathe heavily

there is no safety for me in relationships with others, doctor

I feel terrified of the thought of connection; of conflict

I'm making excuses again; aren't I?

I don't think a poem can hold this pain, doctor

I don't think words can communicate this fear

I don't think that I can just put this in a letter and push it out

because her demons are out in full force and nobody

will understand what that is like, doctor

nobody will understand

I struggle to understand what that's like doctor

but I feel it

the days that she sleeps through

her demons singing lullabies the way that they always have

keeping baby in bed

I can't wait for this to pass

for the seas to calm

somehow

for us to beat these demons

that sandwich me in the day and in the night

I'm losing myself, doctor

before I could find myself

it has been so long
so much
numbness
so much fear of shame and insomnia
bottled up and ready to crush this
dam
like artillery
I'm scared of this poem
I'm scared of this feeling
I'm scared of being
I'm still the child that was told he was an accident
hidden away in this body working 9 to 5
trying to steal a living
blackmarketcat Aug 2020
I'm supposed to write love poems, right
about how sweet your eyes are
kind your voice is
lovely your ******* are
healing your embrace is

I'm supposed to acknowledge these feelings
of actually feeling okay
of getting to know myself
and an incredible person

I'm supposed to get a hold of myself and
fix my feet to the concrete
but I'm only human and I will weep
my every error until the end of time
because that is just who I am
and what has made me so sweet
oh **** i read a comment about love lost and I'm crying again ****
blackmarketcat Aug 2020
where's the time
that will heal
these wounds
that feel so mortal
and yet are invisible
where is the love
that will warm our cold bones
in the clutches of what has happened
so long ago
and so soon
where are the eyes
that will wash away this dirt and blood
where's the embrace that will make all of this okay
where's the father who could guide me through this minefield
where's the mother who could soothe me through this turmoil
where's the friend who could look me in the eye and tell me what it is
where's the lover
who I sacrificed everything for
who is locking herself away from me now
help i am crying
blackmarketcat May 2020
I have rediscovered the beauty in between notes
In between words
In the pauses; in the silence, in the cold
In the negative spaces.

I tried to make all those spaces positive. I didn't understand why
It never felt right
But here I am
With so much negative space
I finally feel free
blackmarketcat May 2020
It used to be that my embrace
Could fix anything
And now it just makes more problems
At a time when we’re up to our ears
In challenges
And I don’t know what to do
I’m praying to a god I don’t believe in
Hoping for the storm to clear but this time
It isn’t just going to clear up
This time it is different
This time

I really don’t know
How to be in these moments
When they hurt so badly
Might lose the love of my life
The best part of my life
My better half
Because I was so stupid, cold, cruel and ugly
I want her to have better
She doesn’t deserve this but does it ****** me
Every time I think about it
Tears overrun my face
And I don’t know what to do
Where to go
What to say

To make it stop
This time the bleeding may never stop
I don’t know for how many years I will bleed out
She thinks it is no big deal for me
Doesn’t realize what a massive deal she is in my eyes
Or understand what I have felt

There is a schism between us and I may never cross it
There is a cut across your heart and every time I look into it I cry
blackmarketcat May 2020
I need space to mourn
When she is the one hurting
I hurt her
And she never deserved
Any of it
Not a single shred of it
She didn’t deserve it yet I crushed her
Obliterated her
She should leave me
I should be alone
blackmarketcat May 2020
I can resume now
Each goosebump like a little razor
Perking up when I hear any mention of my name
I need to be alone now

I need to be alone for years
Why was I ever given two hands? I’ve only used them to wreck
And to steal
And all those good things that I never deserved I
Have basically stolen
Because I have been afraid
Of not deserving them

I am not afraid now but maybe it is too late

I may not ever bounce back but lord I pray that she does
She deserves the world
And I don’t know how I will ever love anyone else? I don’t know how to express this whirlwind of emotions beyond its complicated
Beyond saying I was hot and cold
I crushed it all
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