I told myself I’d never fall in love again because it’s too **** painful
and I’m tired of explaining my soul to everyone because no one understands
and I wish to be loved
but I also wish that I were dead
and I’m sorry if this is too much to process and I’m sorry if I get caught up in all the nonesense
but unfortunately I’m human
and it’s all I can do

to survive.

I’m not enough and I’m sorry.
I’m broken and I’m sorry.
I’m sad and I’m sorry.

Maybe if I were different
maybe if I hadn’t done the drugs
maybe if I thought twice
before I first fell in love.
Maybe if she didn’t touch me
or maybe if he didn’t hurt me
then I wouldn’t be here.
But that’s not the case and I’m sorry.

I’m not enough and I’m sorry.
I’m still too much and I’m sorry.

time passes as the colour of seasons drain
funny how as things change
they always stay the same.

out of body, out of mind
combine dust with ash and rubble
and what do you find?

that you are back where you started
slipping through my mind
familiarity of routines charted.

the train squeals to halt
at your familiar station
I can almost see you standing there,
waiting

but for now
it is just these hallucinations.

dim lights and starry nights
house surrounded by the waves
over the bridge then under again
as the night turns into day.

your finger tips against my skin
a stirring buzz of passion within
a gentle kiss and soft gaze
lips tremble and eyes a haze.

sincerely yours,
my body and soul.
our actions speak volumes
brave and bold.

our words speak of centuries
and lost stories untold.
how is your body so young
but your soul so old?

and I relish in every part of it
every time your lips move
how they caress each syllable
each careful vowel you choose.

how those lips caress my skin
gentle then needing
hard and fast, and between breaths
sensual and teasing.

afterwards you'll get me water,
food, comfort and stability.
I don't even need to ask
you read my mind almost instantly.

so,

I'm falling for you.

And though I'm afraid.

I shan't back down, I will not run away.

If it means I see your smiling face

I'll face my fears everyday.

I'm afraid
I'll admit it
I'm scared.

To open up to you
to love again
to be naked, vulnerable, bare.

For everyone I've ever
cared about
in that way

Has hurt me
beyond repair
so I fight this urge to run away.

I met you in September
When the leaves were just tempted to change
I met you in September
When the earth felt like autumn in the rain
I met you in September
3 months shy of my birthday
I met you in September
apart from headache or drama
I met you in September
listening to Frank, Kendrick and Lana.

I met you in September
and so I say it clear
I only met you in September
because it's my favourite month of the year.

fingertips against sore muscles
constellations on skin

star embedded irises reflect
a universe within.

stardust & moons cusp
varied stages of wax & wane

limitless yet weighted heavy
upon my orbital plane.

try as I might, I can't ignore
as planets grow closer

and comets soar

the parallel gravitation
I've tried so hard to ignore.

everything about you is beautiful
your soul, delicate & musical
introspective
through your eyes & lens

similar stories
from worlds apart
bound by invisible
quivering thread.

tying us as one

we look eye to eye
the light in one another
beside the setting sun.

from city skylines,
forests green
and lakes vast and blue.

the shared experience
of being human
is what binds me
to you.

"why would you ever think that someone wouldn't want you?"

you looked in my eyes with earnest.

"I suppose at one time, I did feel that way, I guess".

~

half-truth, and half a lie.
for I still feel that way most of the time.

I suppose it is difficult for most to see
through my eyes and smiles,
sundress waving in the breeze
the damage that lurks dangerously underneath.

an ugly monster threatens to seep out from within.
runs its tongue along my cheek,
drags its nails against my skin.  

one of disgust for who I am,
I've never loved myself, and I don't understand

why I was made this way?

to wake up and hate myself every day
to feel unworthy of real love or affection
to crave but be so afraid of real connection.

perhaps the damage was done long ago,
I let my foundation rot and crumble
continued to pile brick on top of stone.

from the outside I suppose,
I've built a fortress
beautiful and bold.

I look pretty, sane, and sound.
my dreams as high and limitless as the clouds.
but one step into my fragile mind

and it all

comes

crumbling

down.

I can't express how I feel.

I wanted to write a sad poem about the black hole swallowing me up from within.

I wanted to express the seeping darkness that threatens me to exist.

But I just can't find the words.

I can't express this emptiness I feel inside.

It feels as if I'm drowning in each of my comfortable lies.

I crave comfort, warmth.

Someone to look me in the eyes and to feel that soul connection.

But every time I feel that pull my mind wanders in a different direction.

Like I refuse to make myself happy, I don't believe I deserve it with this icy core.

I've felt numb for so long I'm starting to doubt that I even have a soul anymore.

I could be surrounded by all of the people who love, care, and wish the best for me but I'd still feel so utterly alone.

Like the space I've built to comfort myself is suddenly foreign, no longer home.

A bystander of my own life.

Watching things on a movie screen pass me by.

Going through the motions just to feel like I am doing something.

Anything, instead of nothing at all.

my head spins, and I forget
nausea creeps in
before each sunset.

children age, and pictures grow old
speaking of stories
repeated, told.

empty heart, empty stomach
gasping void nocturne.

the past imprinted on my mind
like old lighter burns.

pain, joy and memories unfold
who I used to be seemed so simple
before my heart turned cold.

darkness coating old shoe prints,
fossilized by mud, a modern relic.

the steady pitter-patter of footsteps falling,
drawn forward, hurried

by the silent calling.

labored breath,
as beads of sweat
trickle down reddened cheeks.

tightness in my chest,
struggling to breathe.

But

I never want to stop

chasing this feeling.

sprinting forward blind,
my feet cracked and bleeding.


no destination, no plan

just the sensation of gripping
my bare toes in the sand.

or feeling the concrete beneath my soles
as I rush head first

towards everything unknown.

for when I stop
I lose the rush

palour coats my fading flush.

for the moment, it's relieving
to catch my breath

enjoy the moment
of silence in my steps

or the quell of my frantic heart beating.

yet the world continues
shift through time

I mustn't stay long

or I'll leave myself behind.

blackness surrounds in charcoal billows,
sleepless stillness
head laid upon pillow.

isolation creeps,
though I prayed its beckon no sooner.

drifting through the limitless, barren lacuna.

metanoia of myself, induratized my mind.
though a beast, rantipole and restless
rages inside.

a quest irenic, and chaotic the same.
two sides of the same coin,
acceptance, and blame.

both
love and hate,
gorged and hollow.

cloaked over every
white pill I swallow.

to go to bed at night,
and awake with morning day.

is it to rerun through
the monotonous cycle I've built?

or to quietly keep me sane?

I live in a world all my own
inside my head
through fantasy, I roam.

One of magic, heroes, and might.
One of darkness, clouds, and endless flight.

I could lay in bed and dream my life away
no wish or want for the reality of the day.

Realism pushes through my blinds at sunrise,
reminding me I need to wake,
and live my dull, mortal life.

I depart from my dreams with trembling breath, goodbye.

Until I return to dance with my thoughts at night.

the sun she hides,
cease the birdsong call
the leaves frozen, frail
fall.

the darkness long,
quiet river weeps
silence but scurry, settle
sleep.

lay still to rest,
flaxen unfold
dying carefully, cautious
cold.

So do it--decide.

Is this the life
you want to live?
Is this the person
you want to love?
Is this the best you can be?
Can you be stronger?
Kinder? More compassionate?
Decide.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
and decide.

I miss parts of being a child
the endless days with not a care in the world
the simple clothes and bike rides
on back roads where grass grew so long it curled

in the gentle breezes of June afternoons,
or seeing the neighbourhood cats stalk,
& lay on warm side walks for their
mid day snooze.

or summers by the lake,
being in the sand and sun until late
there was no tomorrow, no yesterday
just then, there, today.

parents, and grandparents and aunts and uncles
still full of laughter, life, love and light.
as they aged, their lights fade
each day, they become more grey.
smiles strained, and eyes foggy
memories of their newborn babes.

it's all so strange.

it happens to all of us

the circle of life

we're born, we live, we die.

I just never knew to treasure all those long summer nights,
all of those days wasted away
not thinking of the future,
just what we were going to do today.

the moon, painting me in his glow

I, a moth to that flame

cast out to sea,
caught on a rock
with waves crashing around me.
we used to sail,
we used to rise
we used to float on waters, endless
ebb and flow with the tide.
but as the storm approaches,
my thoughts grow weary
the compass points in all directions
we both jump ship in fear of steering.
I'm stranded, wet and cold
in a storm of sadness, confusion, anger
it has come the time, for us to decide
are we a lifeboat or an anchor?

I'm so low
I wish I could say it's unfamiliar
but this place is like my old home;

here I reside and within it
a part of me dies,
every single second I spend
trapped here alive.

Everyone is thinking forward
and here I am trapped in my head
sleep, the sparse hours I receive
are the closest thing to comfort I get.

I wish I could just stay in bed.

I don't wanna die, not yet
no, not yet.
I just want to live a day where my bones don't feel like lead.

And my muscles don't feel like they'll contract
so suddenly,


and **** me on their own accord.

Or that my organs won't turn black
and start oozing from my every pore.
So when you ask me what's going on
I'll say, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm bored.

But in reality, I'm hurting
every part of me is sore.

Please don't worry,
and please don't stress.
I hate to see you cry.
Don't stay for me,
you'll be stuck here forever
I'm just waiting to die.

empty

nothingness

numbness

I have

succumb to

what I've learned

from early on.

Numb yourself

when the hurt

is too strong.

Numb yourself

when you

feel like

you can no

longer go on.

Numb yourself

so you can

pretend you're

strong.

Numb yourself

so you can

last, just another day

Numb yourself

so you don't

have to die

today.

sometimes it feels like

I have so many people around me
but I am so alone.

that I am happy and healthy,
but I feel disease creeping through my bones.

that I want to run
but my body is heavy and numb

I'm so hot
I'm too cold

I'm too young to die
but too unsure to be old

like being trapped in a bubble
panicking, wanting free

trying to ground myself
in some sort of familiarity.

lump in my throat
body twitching in bed

how can I feel too alive
yet feel
so dead.

crushed
by the immense weight of
expectation; I’ve come too far
to turn back now.

or to stay stagnated, where I am.
this halfway house of
purgatory, grasping at mere
fibres of the future I so very wish to weave,
but my attempts are futile
I am unable to get a grip.
rope burn bites at my hands,
slip, bleed, slip.  

The options are so endless,
yet so limited by none other
than myself.
I preach,
believe in yourself. love yourself.
go for your dreams and don’t let them slip away.
but these are simply words I say.
I preach one thing and
I practise another.
hypocrisy, doubt’s dutiful brother

fan others flames yet ignore mine being smothered.
by my own hands, none other.

at least I have you,
the single being on this earth
that believes in me.
I don’t know why
I don’t know how it came to be.
that you are the one soul that truly pushes me towards my dreams.
you don’t let me give up
you don’t allow me to claim victim, be smothered by this monster surrounding me,

not mother or father
but me, it’s me.
the monster is me
don’t you see?
I’m the one who doesn’t believe.
I’m the one whose stopping me
I’m the one whose keeping me down and doubting myself and writing myself off before I even put pen to paper and make myself worse off.

You are like
a fallen angel
lifting me on
your broken wings

not to save me,
but to let me go
and catch me again
like a bird
teaching her
baby to fly.

you,
are trying to help me realize

that I have wings too,
if I’d just open my eyes.
that you can still fly
and be scared of heights.



3 am passes
another day approaches
pointless moments surrounded by
expressionless
wilting roses.

I’ll fight the urge to
give up, even if it feels like
I’m not winning
because


the clock will pass 4 am
and the world will keep spinning

even with oceans between us,

       I’ll swim against the tide
            to lie
               against
                 your heartbeat

once again.

it's going to be a long day
long night
long morning
whats the difference
if you don't


sleep



anyways.

paralyzing.
a black hole ******* me in
nausea creeps in waves starting in my stomach
hot then cold
and sweating
I can't get comfortable
I can't bear it.
I gag and *****
until there's nothing left
but something claws me to
dizzying spells anyways.
I cry to spill the fears inside
but none the less they continue to reside.
I travel wearily through the evening
just to find a hopeful feeling
I am met with,
all the more nothing.
so why move? I stay rooted in
a single position,
waiting for it to find me.

but my hearts in my throat and I'm starting to choke
on the nothingness that surrounds me.
I can't breathe,
I find no solace in sleep.
This must be the final chapter.

(II)

I suppose it makes sense,
I'm so broken
beyond repair anyway
what's the point?
my paint is peeling
my walls are cracking
my floorboards creak with every step
I'm a mess
I'm a wreck
no really, save yourself
leave me dead.

you don't have to stay
just do me one last favour?
put a gun to my head
paint the walls with blood and lead
and take my pain away.

just say it,
you don't want me like I want you
you slip between my fingers
like sand,
I start to grip
and you slip right though
until all I'm left with
is little grains of you.

you'd walk away,
and never turn back
you'd forget about me almost instantly
cut me off, delete me from your life

in fact,

I wouldn't be surprised if you've already started
had your fun before you departed
and now, like weaning an infant off
a mothers breast
slowly and surely,
you'll put this to rest.

you say you love a writer but
these words could never be true
for you don't want me,
like I want you.

Silence,
beautifully cherished between soundless glances
or love locked eyes
of after sheet trances.
for you once said to me,
“silence my dear,
is not the absence of sound
but the presence of something else.”
both capable of taking me to my greatest heavens,
or paving my quiet path to hell
this fact and uncertainty both
fills me with joy
and frightens me to my very core.
for it feels as if you’ve taken my words for nothing but fairy lore.
yet, I stay mute
I’ll sew my lips shut
stuck in this purgatorial
entrenched rut-
deafened,
by the screaming silence.

Give some love, follow a friend & wonderful new writer

https://hellopoetry.com/DBongos/


x

The rain puddles in the cracked city pavement, a drowning vision of striking familiarity. Nostalgia encasing those mulling over their Earl Greys in coffee shops. A wooden stir dissipates the bubbles in the steaming liquid, contrasted by the cool droplets streaking down the ordinary windows. As breathing slows, eyes lock deep in thought upon the bustling, grey castle streets. She slows as she steps to the sidewalk, meeting a gaze before they realize. Her face like snow, her lips like two tiny rose petals just starting to push from their blossom. Her eyes as dark as they are deep, rounded and child-like. Coming to, the strangers been locked on one another for just half a second longer than deemed socially acceptable. She breaks stare, adjusts her bag; and with her hooded head to the ground, makes her way past the old coffee shop.

the shadows dance on the spot you left
indented in the mattress
a reminder of its emptiness.
we destroyed ourselves in the nick of time
to sell our souls to the new age
and uncover all the sins we wished to find.
the wind shakes the trees and my bones
our bodies no longer a place we call home
through trouble and turmoil
you'd think we'd have grown
but instead, we're trapped
in crowded bars, streets and houses
alone.

you are the flame
I'd burn myself with
over and over again

she loves him,
              &  he loves her
and not time or space
or catching glances
from arm & arm linked
couples disturbing the twittering birds
could halt that.

for, she loves him.
and he loves her.

I could never tell you
exactly what's going on inside my head,
so I'll write instead.
Drown my thoughts in paper & lead.
Keep my hands alive,
and my expression dead.

Hi guys I see I have lots of inboxes just give me a little bit to respond to you guys I’ve been super busy lately xo ps you guys are lovely

I don't want to talk about what school I go to, or what program I'm in. I don't want to talk about how I work in retail part-time or how busy I am. I don't want to discuss where I'd go on vacation, or what I hope for in the future. These conversations are just spoken in order to have a response, I say my piece and ask "what about you?". You'll take a deep breath and start on where you started in school and how you're stuck right now in this dead-end job but you swear- you swear that you'll know when the time in right to make a move in the right direction. You'll say you want to go to Thailand, and Dubai because of the cultural experience, but you'll never actually make it there. I don't want to talk about my family, what my mother or father does for a living. I don't need your compliments on how highly I was brought up, how perfect my life must've been. I don’t want to sit there and agree with you, and smile and giggle and say “I know, that’s why I’m different.” The funny part is you’ll think I am. When I get to know you, you’ll show me vulnerability- you’ll launch into some story of how even though you had friends and everything was completely fine you never fit in. On how your grandparent’s death affected you, or your parents divorce or moving cities. And you’ll look into my eyes, wanting sympathy, compassion and understanding. Because, you know its there, I give it freely to anyone who needs it. But after its over and through, once you’ve told me… that’s it. That’s who you are, that’s all there is to you and when I ask you what you’re thinking all you’ll say is nothing. Nothing. Even when you’re thinking something. I don’t want that anymore. I want someone to converse with me about what’s beyond our limited human level of understanding, I want someone to be honest about who they are and what they feel and I want someone to look at themselves as a work in progress instead of a completed artwork with chips in the paint, for once. I want someone who will look out onto the ocean and sky and see what I see. Someone who will explore what could happen if we simply, suddenly just lost gravity. If we all fell into the sky, if we all just suddenly choked in space and died. I want to explore if we’d see one another on the other side. I want to lay in a field and listen to the wind in the grass. I want to feel the earth beneath my back and smell the warm fragrance from nearby lilacs. I want to be purely myself and not harbour any judgement, I want to love freely and openly without any punishment. I just want some sapience and a soul connection. Maybe I’m just asking for too much, or the universe just wants to teach me a lesson.

*******
**** everybody
**** that
**** this
*******.
*******.
*******,
and you
and you.

*******