So recently,
I was reminded of a sad incident,
where I cried in public,
where I was comforted.

In a discussion,
the topic was brought up.

And you know what the said?

"Oh yea it was funny."


What in god's name is wrong with you?

I cried my heart out because of you.

And you know what you said after that?

"I was trying not to laugh."

I don't cry for attention.
I don't cry to be wanted.
I cry because something happened.

My mom used to say,
"Don't cry, you'll leave permanent tears on your face."
As a young child, I didn't understand.
My brother objected, smug and saying, "That's not true, tears can dry up."
My mom just smiled and said, "I hope you don't see it when you're older."
Now, I didn't understand, and I sided with my brother.

As the years went on, I could feel what others thought of me.
I could finally feel their glares and recognize the harsh meanings behind their words.
I slowly backed away, but no one noticed.
If they did, they were fine with it.

Being a "wretched outcast",
I looked for new shelter.
A new environment where I could feel safe.
I never made it to the promised land.

When I finally gave up,
I cried.
I poured out my feelings on paper,
my pain filled into countless notebooks.

When I look into a mirror,
I finally see it.
The permanent tear tracks.

All my life,
I'd been a sweet girl,
an eccentric girl,
a caring girl,
a passionate girl.

Your little girl
is on the edge of insanity,
fueled by desperation
and loneliness.

Your sweet, loving girl
is crying her heart out.
Her tears the byproduct
of their actions.

Their laughter,
humiliating words,
and obvious glares.

I used to laugh until I cried,
but now I just cry.
I cry and cry and cry.
I hate it, waking each morning to a soggy pillow.

I'm sorry,
but your sweet little girl is gone.

I can't do it anymore,
I just can't.

My front has finally cracked,
and I can't take it.

I'm almost completely numb,
the only thing left is emptiness.

The realization of being truly alone has finally hit me,
right in the heart.

It's not settling in either, no,
instead every time I think of it, it hits me as hard as the first time

It's that time of the year again,
I have to see them once more.
I've got a change in appearance,
and a sharp edge on my words.
They want me to apologize,
but for what, I did nothing wrong.
They're hypocrites, every last one of them.
I'm not angry at them,
rather at myself for not realizing sooner.
Now I have to go through the same old shit,
loneliness, resentment, all the works.
The time has come,
and I have to deal with this again.

When I look into the mirror,
all I see is a broken person.
Someone's who's been through the worse things that life can offer.
Someone's who's been forgotten for all their life.
Someone's who's sick of it all.
I can't feel anything anymore.
I've put up a defense so thick that I can't feel anything anymore.
I look into my eyes.
I have eyes clouded with emotion, but I don't know what it is.
I can't tell what it is.

I recently heard a quote: "You are who you are when no one's looking".
What if who I am isn't a worth a thing?
What if who I am isn't acceptable by your standards?
If I showed who I was when no one was looking, no one would look.

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