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18h · 25
annika (again)
cat 18h
I was always the main character in my narrative
until I met you
I had never felt that I was living with such purpose
as when I lived with you
I loved you as I love my mother
You are gone, and the purpose is lost
I feel empty, now you are gone
If I've upset you again
there is no greater failure
and my prevalence holds no truth
1d · 265
cat 1d
i’ve lived for so long already
feels like i’m already dead
1d · 68
cat 1d
It started with my mother
“Cat, you are a beauty”
“You look like your father, with a touch of beauty”
“You look like your father, with a hint of me”
“You look like your father”
1d · 52
cat 1d
“It’s been a rough week”
My freshman english teacher
and my freshman debate coach
both look only to me
as an affirmation,
as opposed to a reminder
that it hasn’t only
started this week
1d · 44
cat 1d
It was a lie,
when I said
that I wanted to be loved
Believe me
1d · 53
cat 1d
my friends i know don’t want me to stay
they can sense i feel the same way
in that i am unfit as a person
i do not want their help
& they do not want to help me
that’s how it’s still working
1d · 20
cat 1d
"You're pupils are a lot more dilated"

I know it isn't you
it's your proximity
I feel nothing but guilt
for allowing myself
to project this loneliness onto you

I tell you it's only the lights
3d · 42
cat 3d
I am a vessel
for what, I do not know
3d · 582
cat 3d
I reveal myself and I am lesser
I will never
be loved
by the likes of them
4d · 129
cat 4d
I’ve lost my narrative
5d · 34
the pen
cat 5d
It isn't paranoia
but the fear that has been following
Waiting for my word and for my pen
premonitions of the sword
that which men may have sheathed
though their waists still not unscathed
The lack of rhythm in each year
however steep the run can be
November always seems
to be the downbeat
It does not care whether we've moved on
or whether we cared at all
Still it holds you to that point
and it dares you to speak
inversed by the genie
of the very next morning
I did not mean, and did not wish
to find the pulse within my own
living, breathing, grieve-ish
body in disguise of a person,
in disguise of a tomb
I regress while you digress
and it can only be unfair
that I am worn, but I'm extended
apprehended by the likes of vacancy
and vacancy alone
I tell the tale to the dirt itself
the rubble I intend
to sink within and sink without
a means to any end
no mighty sword to **** the pen
where the pen has left my hand
where Divinity's demands
demand for more
than the sword
and the pen
who cannot bargain for his own
and cannot bargain with no hand
I will not pick it up
for I refuse to understand
the purpose of a Lord
and the meaning of command
where I am to live
in place of those who wish to
and I am to speak
to ground in those who can't
and the rhythm is lost
and the gateway is clear
that something new was meant for me here
&from nothing, I'm now bound to believe:
without the pen, the hand is clean
7d · 72
cat 7d
I hear a noise that is simple
a ringing that may suffice my temper
If I can find the substance
which allows my mind to whirl
like a spool un-spun,
dissolving into a single thread
the single point that I believe myself
to descend into mortality
and rid of my own conscience
My, spine, undone, will lead my way
through an abyss of my own creation
to part from myself and love the soil
to become the roots rather than possess them
it is a dream that I will have only now
a fantasy that will die together with me
until I am no longer together myself
but an unending string, webbed in coincidence
with a prayer on my tomb,
and the earth on my lips
Oct 23 · 478
cat Oct 23
prevalence in the absence of light
I seek a remedy that may live without the sun
for the sun may never come
and I may never leave
if this journey I will to embark
moves in beams
and stalls for wake
Oct 11 · 33
cat Oct 11
I have an optimistic take
on applying string theory
to the afterlife
that there are forms in which
I can give my living body
to oblivion
as a prerequisite
to the potential disintegration
of my string of thought
that it will be reduced
to only a string
and with a voidal imitation
I am already easing my way
Oct 11 · 312
cat Oct 11
If I can sing
however that may be
my soul as a poem
will never end
I will never die
for performance
is my eternal thread
when the conscience
descends into a string
the ring will still be there
Oct 5 · 302
cat Oct 5
no one will ever find me
no one will ever know me
no one will ever see the sadness & stay
no one will ever find me
no one will ever hold me
or tell me I’m alive when I think that I’m dead
no eyes that are watching
no ears that are listening
no one will ever see me
no one might ever hear me
they leave me a puzzle unsolved
it’s not that I’m tricky
just not what they’re used to
but with me, they believe,
their efforts will be wasted
all I need is one person
and a person, I need
Oct 4 · 158
cat Oct 4
time is a snow globe
and perception is the flakes
cat Sep 25
i thought that your heartbreak: circa 2017
had built me to handle my own
& alone I have been
& alone I have lived
I was wrong, but couldn’t have known
I hadn’t known that isolation
made me brittle enough to break
to crumble under the faintest touch
that long have been sought
and all I know is the ache
cat Sep 23
“I don’t know, but I feel it”
I don’t know, but I feel it
I don’t know, but I feel it
his head on my chest
he can’t fool me
he doesn’t know me
doesn’t know anything
but he knows how to hold me
his hands around my back
if that’s what he’s feeling,
I’m feeling it too
or that’s what my lips are telling him
he doesn’t know me,
but he knows how I breathe
doesn’t care that I sing
for a living
or that I’m living
and some days it doesn’t feel
like I’m living at all
but this boy is internal
he’s reminding my soul
of the body attached to it
detaching it from him
and he pulls me right back
and it’s over for me
for the boy who never knew
and only felt me
something else
stripped of art
I had to force myself apart
cat Sep 23
that’s it
I’ve felt it once
and the ending doesn’t surprise me anymore
I feel it now
as if I’d never left
and you’d never said goodnight
I’m alone for a day
and reduced to believing
in the remedies of being held
We are different
that’s what I’ll say
you’ll ask me “how?”
and for a moment, I’ll lose my answer
But they find their way back again
Sep 16 · 71
cat Sep 16
you have scary things to say
at least scary for me to hear
i am feeling for once
so i allow myself to feel
in that i hold no shame
Sep 14 · 436
sup fam
cat Sep 14
& after six years
put the same people
in the same room
and nothing will have changed
you reenter
and all of that growth is gone
for a moment, all progression
by their presence alone
Sep 11 · 76
cat Sep 11
my friends who love
can sculpt a lover's face
onto a sheet of paper
Sep 10 · 40
in a glance
cat Sep 10
his eyes who want to know me
they needn't a second look
I direct my clarity in his direction
an invisible beam of something greater
if he knows me, he knows me
'less he knows me not,
the beam dissipates
but there is no worry
we are still collective in time
Sep 9 · 222
postmortem solace
cat Sep 9
finding solace in thinking
that death comes in multiple stages
rather than an instantaneous there-then-not
to live is within our own conscience
and who's to say that we do not live elsewhere
to be a string in another memory
that is my only life after death
Sep 4 · 35
cat Sep 4
the good morning
is sitting at the back of my school's library
so the sun hits my face
just before I leave for class
just before I finish my coffee
I listen to my mother's spotify
and choose not to finish my math homework
Aug 31 · 82
cat Aug 31
it hurts, real bad
I can only say that to myself
‘less I submit to selection
nature’s way of letting me go
but that’ll hurt worse
Aug 31 · 313
cat Aug 31
near midnight, hello again
I’ll be in no one’s company tonight
Aug 29 · 27
cat Aug 29
Even when I seem colder
I'm not getting older
For all the things you sold her
You'll never be by her side

Even when the whitest lies unfold
There'll be no escaping your hold

Fighting every second of time
as its density keeps you wavering

I can't fight for you
I won't cry for you
I won't fight for you
I might try for you

You don't need my excuse
You think I feel used
For that, I didn't need you
I chose to live by my own rules
Aug 28 · 48
cat Aug 28
I expected the relapse
but still there is a warmth
One year ago, on this day
Two years ago, on this day
I never should have left you,
my dearest friend
I never knew how cruelly
our time would be taken for granted
This was never the end
I'll be seeing you
Aug 28 · 71
cat Aug 28
the air is cooler
and the taste is bitter
these last moments of comfort
are my only solace
for what's to come
Aug 27 · 36
cat Aug 27
I'm not like my sister
who ***** up to you
because her real dad is dead
I'm not like you
who ****** up to your parents
so you could enroll to Eastman
I'm not like my mother
who ****** up to your promises
before it was too late

The words that I speak to you are real
I am not a puppet
You make me *****
With every demeaning scoff
At any instant I open my mouth

Estrangement isn't a joke, you know
You won't be laughing
when the last of us are gone
and you die alone
with no company but your own ego
Aug 26 · 60
cat Aug 26
somehow, even now
after every dreadful year
you never fail to appall me
with your prevalence
in being completely devoid of empathy
i wrote a poem 4 u dad lol
Aug 25 · 30
final farewell
cat Aug 25
I was out again this evening
the prairie fields are already dying
my final farewell to summer, I suppose
Adventure of desire
turned to desire for adventure
I'll blame it on my horoscope and laugh
It didn't matter,
as long as I could still see the mountains
from the rearview mirror
I felt everything at once,
feeling swarming like pigments
before the muddy, brown crash
From omnipotence to pure isolation
A month of tired, restless hysteria
I may hold no expectation,
but still with my hopes I must be careful
As long as the void prevails,
I am my own creator
But the prairie is dying
and so I presume my morning routine
Aug 25 · 29
cat Aug 25
I like to think that your bed
is still filled with feathers
with your weight, and pressure
releases the crush and the sigh
of something more fragile
and something more stable
Aug 19 · 30
cat Aug 19
solitude is a favorable theme
however ironic
to my human orientation
and tendency to love
sometimes that means to live without
Aug 17 · 52
cat Aug 17
they don't understand my horror
when I tell them 'I'm afraid to die'
they don't understand
how this feeling is new to me
how, for once, I could see myself aging
how, now, it seems the stakes keep raising
joy cannot be ripped from you
if you do not possess it
but now that I do
this feeling is new
for the first time, in my short life
I'm truly afraid to die
cat Aug 15
need me a guy
who photoshops in a fringe
Aug 13 · 43
cat Aug 13
let it be known,
that in my last summer of peace,
all I did was watch Invader Zim
and eat taco bell
every night til 7am, baby
Aug 13 · 108
cat Aug 13
being suicidal was fine
since there was always that option
but now, that I don't want to die?
there's no way out of it
it's a little bit cruel, how that works
Aug 13 · 32
cat Aug 13
there's not enough talk
about accepting death with no afterlife
I can't read hundreds of articles
on how to comfort myself of this fact
Aug 13 · 44
the tea, sis
cat Aug 13
my shorter poems get all the attention
just cuz yall too lazy to read the rest
Aug 13 · 40
cat Aug 13
yeah the dread is a little bit completely overwhelming
the famous daves billboard gives me a lot of anxiety
I watched a youtube video about "haunted" instagram posts
humanity has allowed all of this to happen
it's so ****** weird
humans are the weirdest ******* coincidence
maybe I need to listen to a different playlist
cut off this train of thought as abruptly possible
block it out until I die
that's what I've been doing this whole time, yeah?
Aug 13 · 440
cat Aug 13
I'm either dead
or in fear
the inbetween is nice
but still there are sides to the spectrum
Aug 12 · 43
cat Aug 12
someone once told me
they believed the afterlife was a new earth
some call this hell
but for once
i hoped someone was right
Aug 12 · 80
cat Aug 12
you can't scare me
with the concept of hell
you'd think, if you're there an eternity
you'd get used to it eventually
Aug 12 · 35
cat Aug 12
how are you okay with the void?
i vote we say ***** it
and just become vampires
Aug 12 · 38
real talk
cat Aug 12
one of the worst feelings
is being too depressed to *******
Aug 12 · 132
cat Aug 12
the finality of it all is agonizing
i'm not ready to leave forever
i wonder what it feels like to vanish
i just want to be a space sphere
Aug 10 · 44
cat Aug 10
you've been relentless
i'm reaching my limit
i've never made such a mess on my face
washing off mascara has never been such a *****
no one knows a thing
no one knows a thing
not one person
if I felt better, I would walk downstairs
I would see what you were up to
I'd be friendly, I'd work with it
I did
but the moment you saw me
you had to tear me down
right back where I came from,
in a matter of seconds
it's amazing how easy we can shut ourselves off
it's amazing how i'm giving you all the signs
and somehow they all slip passed you
you'll slip pass me soon
never thought I'd have to prepare to leave you too
you were the only one
the one I thought knew me the best
out of everyone
you, too?
that's truly it for me then
i'm gone
i'll be here a while longer
but i'm gone
i'll forgive you
but i won't forget
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