i try to push these thoughts to the back of
my mind
my mind is thinking of you all
the time
the time isnt right for
you
&
i
.
.
yet
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I WANT TO SCREAM
BECAUSE
YOU AND ME
ARE EVERYTHING IVE EVER DREAMED OF
AND THIS WAIT
FOR THE DAY
THAT OUR LIVES ALIGN
IS A TERRIBLE
TRETOURUOS
BLACK HOLE INSIDE OF ME
I often get this feeling
where eyes have come to focus on me
they keep popping up in the dark
like in the cartoons on t.v
the race begins
my heartbeat is almost going faster than my thoughts
but not quite
¨what is your purpose in this mess we call life¨
¨what are you doing
and
what are your goals¨
the list goes on and on
repeating in my mind
am I supposed to want to keep living
all I want to do is shut down
from all these fake expectations
but they´re made up in my head
i
m

f
i
n
e
I just wish I knew
why
why am I alive
to fulfill these expectations
but the ones I made for you
better me
I find it strange when I look into your eyes
I'm not imagining an endless starry night
the world around me doesn´t
f
  r
    e
      e
        z
          e
but when I look at you i can finally
              b r e a t h e
I see a fire in your eyes
not anger, nor fright
but the calming sense of a wild familiarity
a crackling, thriving light
bursting through the cold night
my heart floods with an endless sea of visions
even when your focus seems far off in the distance
I get this feeling every time our
eyes, hands, or lips greet
I feel at peace
resting among the clouds
I feel such a deep affection
it is more than alright
but is it alright for me to say what´s on my mind
what love is this, I cannot say everything enticed behind it
you do not need starry skies or a stomach that´s full of a million butterflies
you shouldn´t have an expectation
and my words don´t need to have diction
I know what´s in my heart is right
and finally, my mind is more than satisfied
you make me a better me, thank you to anyone who reads this.
i compliment the girls in the hallway
some wave
and some smile
and some don´t even say thanks
it doesn´t matter to me
because i know the words that i say
will stay inside the brains
of the girls who need to know
that they will be ok
just a few kind words might make someones day.
i take it to myself to compliment at least 3 people a day
thank you for reading this, i hope you can take it into your life to say just a few nice things to anyone, even if you don´t know them it might turn around their day
but don´t let the people who just turn away ruin your day. compliment yourself just as often. you are beautiful, you are brave, make everyday hold just a little more positivity
Mid-October,
with leaves spilled
like colored pencil shavings ---

the streets dicing our town
into neat, unfair portions ---
and me, eatin' that *****.
I can clearly see myself in a mirror
I happen to have one accompanying
every one of my bedroom walls
I´m not pretty
at least not like her
but why would I want to be
I´m just usual
unusual
me
maybe not a flower
I feel as more of a ****
I don't beautifully bloom
into love you acquire
but I break through the sidewalk cracks
of your heart
unexpected.
undesired.
so you cannot pluck my petals
you must yank me by my roots
not sweet, nor fragrant
but pungent with attributes of the earth
we´re both nourished by sunshine
both growing
and appealing in our own way
i look so alien to myself in the mirror these days, i dont know why. i just look at myself until i tire out, then i look and wonder why we have these bodies. we only percive part of the world, our bodies are holding us back.
i would rather write than speak
but i wish through these words you could hear me
i do not like to be
open, or vulnerable
and if you are reading my writing
please do not look at me
imagining these words rolling and flowing off the tip of my tongue
makes me
small, shrinking endlessly
into possibilities of you
and me
          and me
                    and you
you reading these words
makes me insecure, scared, and alone
i wish i had the voice to be heard
i am not scared of you
but of what you will think of me
the story goes
that van gogh would eat yellow paint
in hopes that it would
put happiness inside of him –
probably the same reason
he drank absinthe.

i never understood that level of desperation –
except i painted my fingernails yellow today
in hopes that sunshine
would flow from my fingertips
instead of the torrential downpour
that i’ve made a home out of.

but it only reminds me of van gogh
and new york city
and you –
lots of starry nights

who knew you had the power
to make everything feel so grey in your wake?

if you think about it,
all of us have our own yellow paint –
something we cling to for refuge
even though we know it’s killing us, slowly,
the temporary solace feels worth it
if only for a moment

and you were mine.

- courtney l. p.
the words i never thought
i would have the courage to write
https://courtneylpposts.tumblr.com/
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