The feeling just keeps creeping in and I can't seem to clear my head
it's not my fault and it's not yours either and I no longer want to play the blame game. I just want to dance and smell the flowers and I want to sing for hours
without interruption.

I'm tired of my mind being poisoned. I need a cleanse and I want to feel better about myself. I need this now more than ever. The trees aren't as green as they used to be. My smile isn't as bright. My love hides in the dark and my heart feels tight. I can't move sometimes and it's hard to learn without forgetting. It's hard to be happy with these circumstances and I wish I would have passed all my classes.

Maybe in you would've succeeded if you were still in school. Maybe you'd smile longer if the world wasn't so cruel. I feel the weight of the world and I do not want this. I want to be free. Free of pain and sadness. Free of mishaps.

Hey,
I'm okay. I am able to rest now. It's so dark in here but I love it. I am able to finally be who I want without judgment
Everyone is so kind and loving
I have a huge yard where I can play football "touchdown"
A big big house it's my father's house
Don't worry bink I am always here with you  I love you forever don't be scared
Tell Ariah I said I love her and tell Ambrosia and Azarae I'll be with them soon.

When the brain no longer hums, you have won
When the tears no longer swell, you have won
When the flesh no longer bounds you to Earth, you have won
Your soul speaks so kindly
It is beautiful
You knew that the physical could not hold you down
You are so much more than flesh and bones
You are here, you are home

I have much to say but little courage
To get out the bed and write
I have curled up in fetal position
I have sweated all night
I asked to be saved and He did just that
I didn't think you'd be gone though
I didn't do the math
You showed me love
You showed me care
The very least I could've done was be there
I am so sorry that life turned out this way
I am so sorry about this life, love.
You deserved so much more

I just cried so much
Sometimes I won't eat because I'm wrapped up in thought
Every now and then I have no one to call
I think of all the good things this life has and I keep smiling
I have to hang on
What will keep me going?
Maybe a sharpened pencil when there is no sharpener
A glass of milk with a large piece of yellow cake and chocolate frosting
Having a mattress on the floor instead of blankets
Having your hand to hold when it 40 degrees out
I think of all the great things and it's hard to complain
Maybe that's why I started writing again

Nothing excites me
I go about the world unfocused
I go around hugging strangers because I need it more than them
Drugs are so harsh on the skin

You left me
I need you
I felt like I wasn't enough for you
You showed me that I was everything and you adored me
How hard was it to be left alone
How hard was it to leave this earth alone
I wanted to be there and at least hold your hand
Maybe sit with you
Pray by you
To feel your warmth one more time
To feel you take in your last breath
How could this world be so cruel to you
Your heart filled every room with sun
Your soul still speaks
You are still my everything

Art is the only thing with no boundaries yet you refuse to create you keep this hold on your throat and you let it decide what it does with you.
You could easily choose not to but this is where we are now
I hate to leave you in the dust but this is where we are now
You mean nothing to me and you have meant nothing for the longest time
You have created a horrible life for yourself and you continually blame it on other people and that is not their fault this is your responsibility and you should take care of it
This is what you have to show for what you have worked hard for and I hope it is worth it I hope you find love and peace and happiness and most importantly wealth even though i don't mean financial wealth but I do mean wealth and health and happiness.

I have never felt like a failure until now
I am a whole mother. Not a child.
It hurts and I am trying my hardest to stop this pain. But everything needs me and I need to stop this pain.
I will forever be confused at the choices that I make.
It is not my fault. In fact a fault is not what to call it.
This is a cycle
There is no support
Who traded our family for money?
The american dream was more important and now I go to bed with no support

I love you to the moon and back let's stay up at the moon in fact
We'll make a little room, we'll shack
He'll try to make a move, my man
But we will get there soon my friend
He tends to keep his eyes on me though we have the whole galaxy
Makes me feel so special even though we've got more to see
He wants to be with me
To share his life with me

The world suddenly went quiet
In all the best ways
You showed me that love was never there
I learned that the feelings I had with you were opressed for over 10 years
Now I've come back with great vingence and you hate this version of me
You can't stand that I have a voice
You can't accept that I love myself now and how smart I am now
You and everything you're made of just settled in me and I can't unsee it. You were never good
I only believed it

I patiently waited for the day I'd get over you
It's finally here and I feel great
A lot of people and places contributed to this
I needed this and prayed for this
I can't wait to see what else the world has to offer
I don't want to see another day personally but I do have a life that I am responsible for and I need to take care of that
I need to build a stronger version of myself and become happier
I need to see me in a different light
I need to become my own best friend again
I missed me so much

You lay strapped to a hospital bed
I want you to come home and smile again
Before the chemicals, before all of this
I'm still sitting by the telephone just to hear you say:
"I'm sorry that you're scared to live another day alone inside of my head
Pills do nothing, just like my friends
My long sleeve shirts are still stuck to my skin"

Yes I am old enough to understand what happened
But do I want to accept what has happened
I remember I couldn't grasp it
Now that I remember it, it doesn't make sense
I understand but my brain chooses to scatter it
It's not fair
Things have changed
Things have changed
Things have changed
Now we are sitting here trying to make sense of all the issues
The issues that have been poured onto me
The issues that have made me me
I don't get it but I got it
I will keep going even though it's a mess
I will keep going
I do not want to accept what needs to be accepted but here we are

Not many people stood by me during my grief
And for that I will forever feel comfortable with doing me
I hope they do not expect much from me
If only they saw me
Doubled over missing you
Holding onto memories too
Trying to live life they way you would
Hoping and praying things got better
They got worse
I had to sit in a bad place for a while
The only thing keeping me going was your smile
I swear it won't fade
I hope you realize that you are still loved
And for you my sister, I am never giving up
I will chase until I am dead

There is a fire that dances in my chest
Holding on to my heart it knows you best
Everything I do is for you and for my son
I want to see us win
It feels like we won
You are always with me no matter what
I get up and I fight for you and for my baby
I get up and repeat this on a daily
You are the sweetest and you are the coolest I wish that things could have been different with you and your world
I introduced you to mine and you adored it but decided it otherwise
I remember thinking I wasn't good enough to save you but that wasn't the case
The poison was just so deep in your veins that you couldn't help but let it stay because the moment you tried to release it, you got sicker and weaker
Your world depended on it and I had to stay away but that is the game of life we can choose to leave or to stay

I remember your little lungs struggling so hard to breathe
You were brand new, a few days, in fact three
You let it be known that you were hungry and wanted to cuddle you wanted to hold me
I was up all night making sure you were still breathing
Protecting that sweet smile from evil
That is all I did and will continue to do
You love me and I love you

evolve or stay the same
I didn't get the chance to do the things I loved because the spirit of depression was so strong
I prayed it away and was able to live another day
When I found out about my powers I shared them with others
They were confused
I now know to keep them to myself and let the world unfold in front of me
Taking apart the sky
Piece by piece
Not ever understanding poetry
I guess I could educate myself
Figure out how they dress
How they talk
What they listen to
I will be less like me and be more like you because I deserve to live a long happy life
No matter what I tell the others I too have a dream
I will feed that dream no matter what it takes
I will do what brings a smile to my sons face

Hey Moses
I didn’t really know you
After we all got separated from each other, we all changed drastically
It is not your fault
I wish you had someone
We all had at least someone
I’m sorry for the way your life went
I’m sorry we couldn’t be there for you
You did the best you could
And I’m proud of you because you tried for so long!
You could have called me any time I would have answered
We were always there for you, brother
If you knew me, you’d know you can call even if you were angry with me
I would have answered
You are welcomed in my life
You are welcome here
I wish I could have known you
But the old you, the baby you was the only you I knew
We grew up and let the world take us and now there only lies a few
Moses, what are we going to do?

you guys ever think about the things you did and think "what the ***" what the *** what the *** I can not believe that I have done that
Anyways all of the things I have done are now in the past and it is now up to me to make a better life and all of that for sure I have so much to look forward to but at the same time it is so scary and it is so strange to even think about the past
The past is a dark place but I have so much to get done right now we will talk later okay?

Merry Christmas
Today life taught me that life is really what you make it!
If you maintain a positive attitude then you will live a positive life
Lying to yourself is not an exception
Giving is very important
Try not to take so much
Use your manners
Eat to make yourself full this holiday season
Do not hold back

Okay now let's talk about the happy things
getting a job
Driving a car
Having everything baby needs
In the moment yes we are doing fine
Building a great future takes some time
Going back to school
New shoes
Good food
New country music
The fresh air
A shower every night and morning
The netflix options when things get boring

If I can't hold your hand
I will write to you here
you were so special my Brittany dear
your life was a mess but that is ok because your spirit was so rich and beautiful and loving
People treated you mean
People threw hate
I am sorry that you had to live life that way
You are still my sister no matter where you have gone and I still miss you
I will forever sing your song
I love you sister
So so much

I did not believe in love
I do not
I have many thoughts
I am not me lately
I want to be someone else
Anyone but me
This pain aches every day
I won't let myself pass away
I miss you sister and I need you
You taught me more about womanhood than any other and now
I need you more than ever
Please
I would say please come back but
I do not want that to happen
I know you are more safe than you have ever been
Perhaps you ended up in heaven
I can only hope for the best for you
You were my sister and my best friend too
I love you lots and I need you so much
I need you so much

I am fully aware that I need to let out my energy into the arts that I create
I am a woman of many talents and it's starting to eat me alive
I can not survive
if I continue to deprive
my body of what it longs for the most
and that is love and art
My baby's father
He is the one who made things harder
I still love him and I know he loves me but together would do us no good like salt and tea

I needed an outlet
So I sit to write
Will I educate myself on these poem lines?
The veins in my hands are more aggressive than ever
These headaches won't leave
My eyebrows are not groomed
The lump in my skin is growing
The baby is too
I have this new job pushing shoes
Selling them and buying them too
I need more money
I will soon start school
Does anyone write this way anymore
Will I learn the right way before...

Being away from you was probably the worst feeling in the world
I never realized that the term homesick can also apply to people
I am homesick for you
I miss you
This time there is no meeting up
This time there is nothing
I will not be able to see you again
I will not be able to see you again
This pains me deeply

I felt protected next to you
I felt like you understood
I felt like you were always there to help
When no one else would
I can not believe that you are gone
It hurts today
Tomorrow
Yesterday

Honestly not giving a ****
Always singing or dancing
Always laughing
Struggling and asking for help
No one lent a hand
I am sorry that this was your reality
You deserved so much
You went through too much much for this to be the end
I am hoping to reunite with you
I am hoping to reunite with you

I wasn't there and you withered away
I wish that I could have understood how much you needed me
Before it was too late
It would be nice to see you again and hold your hands and sit on your lap
It would be nice just to see you smile
It would be nice to see you dance again
Like you did when we were kids
You always kept a smile on your face through the toughest times
You always brought joy to the people around you.
I love you, Sister,

This absent feeling
Just warmed up by the sun
Hungry in the back seat
Just like everyone
She's driving towards home so we think that we are done
Only to pull into the parking lot of another one
The long drives to pick up used items
The starving stomachs and the attitudes
The constant reminder that you better not be rude
The feeling you get when you finally get some food
A bean and cheese burrito
It'll have to do

I am starting to see that you have nothing to do with me
That I should just up and walk away
For whatever reason it may be
But it is a gut wrenching feeling
For whatever reason
I have to leave you in the dust and not tell you anything
I have to get back on my grind
It takes one step at a time
The things you are saying without even saying it
The places you go and you aren't even paying

I am going to write about you until I can't anymore
All I can think about is the negative person that you are
The jealous rat that seems to hide behind these big brown eyes
We are all so terrified
If we leave it up to you then nothing would be done
So you take mindless orders from everyone
You think that it's normal
It is not
You lay and watch and clean all day as if it's the only thing you know how to do
As if that is the definition of you

You are so jealous it's sad
You take the best idea of hers and make it your own
You make everyone around you feel great
Because you would do anything to keep a smile on their face
It is not necessarily a bad thing
It isn't a great thing either
See you bribe them into believing that you are superior
You make them fall in love with your so called kind heart
But in reality you just do not want to be left in the dark
No one really likes you and no one really cares
But when it comes down to it
You'd say you're being fair

Why do you choose to pretend to care about someone?
Why do you acknowledge them?
When all you do is talk behind their back
When all you do is throw shade
When all you do is try and bully them
When all you are is cruel to them
Why do you pretend to care

It feels like I won't be able to love again
I don't know if I am just bored at the thought of it
The touching does not excite me
I am bitter at the thought
The affection and smiles seem synthetic
Because they always have been before
Where do we go to find love again
The answer is that no one knows

It’s almost like my heart has eyes
Big huge eyes with no lashes
And dark rings that surround them
With no lips or ears so the senses are limited
It’s like the only thing my heart can do is look around like it has lost its shoes
Or keys
Or remote
Or almost anything
It’s like my heart can no longer sing

I know this feeling
This feeling is not a friend
It will chew you up and spit you out again
Leaving a hard heart
Throbbing veins and head
You can not lay comfortably in bed
You must be up and outdoors
Nothing is more important than your chores
You fear the future you fear the past
Danger lies ahead if this feeling lasts

It doesn't make sense to eat whack ***, white cake and celebrations and birthday parties
Don't date within the group, it almost always never works out and the all of the friendships end
Why do you go for the girl when you only want to keep her at home?
It makes 0 sense

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while
I’m an adult now
I had an imaginary friend at one point
I didn’t even know she wasn’t real
Looking back I remember her being barefoot all of the time
She had a few strands of color in her hair
When we went swimming in the deep end we’d get yelled at because we didn’t have a partner
She never existed
And I didn’t have any friends at camp redwood glen

You are going to wake up one day and you are going to realize that literally no one cares
You will either use your energy to care about yourself even more than you already do or you will let the sad truth eat you alive and you will do nothing to achieve your goals

What happened to all of the hard work that needs to be done in order to achieve success?
Now days all people have to do is get undressed
In front of the flickering light
There is no longer a fight
It's an "oh-well, if I can not live with you, I'll just put my toe pics up for sell." But where do those buyers get their money??
They all have "secure" families so in the end it isn't so funny
Someone's dad, someone's husband is giving one hundred dollar bills by the dozen
Does this not frighten any of you?
The women who want to live off of a man?
At least the toe pic girl is hustling
When are you going to give a ****??

The leaves are slowly falling one by one
The cars are getting slower and breaking down
The children are actually behaving
The churches are no longer discriminating
The Netflix and the hulu are actually keeping people out of the streets
So if you are in the position to give your password
Do it
Please
The food is getting healthier
The "pre-teens" are getting meaner
The windshields are cracking way more than they should
The mothers and the fathers are leaving ya'll in the hood
The elders are nosy the youngin's want games
The babies are hungry
The women want fame
The men do not make
good money anymore
And with all of this said
Coming home became a chore

This is definitely what I wanted
What I needed really
I think that is why I have no tears left to cry
I understand your pain
I really need all of my love for me because who the helllll is going to feed me when I am hungry
Who??

Do you guys prefer writing with a pen and paper or would you rather type your poems?

I do forgive you and myself as well
I also feel dumb
Not as much as I feel numb though
Everything seems to be going in reverse
One day I may go crazy
After seeing what happens with people in the same situation I no longer want to leave any spaces in my mind vacant
I can attract the wrong tenants
I could attract a bad ending
No vacancy

We shouldn't be upset with the ones who hurt us because after they hurt us they move on to the next victim
You will still be hurting after they have moved on
Forgive
Because most likely they will forget
They may not even know that they hurt you so you should learn to communicate it

Not everyone is going to understand you but there will be a select few
Some who will not say anything unless you are at risk
Some who will smirk
Some who will hiss
When you learn to love yourself, new beginnings arise
When you learn to love yourself, people will see it in your eyes

Trust me
When I say that you need to stop caring about what they think
You need to stop caring about what they think
Sometimes it is impossible to let go
But that is the only way
Happiness is always open just like a super Walmart
Learn to understand your own brain and your own heart
Let people in at your own risk
Teach people the way you are and show them that if they choose to leave then they will miss you tomorrow
Because they will
When you are so secure in yourself they will

The **** that I have to say to you will never come out right so I have to write
I can not cry
I can not even sing
There is no room to dance otherwise I'd be doing that
So I write
I’ll write tomorrow
I write tonight
I write for you
I write at you