It’s not about the materialistic things
The houses and cars are someone else’s dream
I want a home that’s filled with love
A place my children can bring their friends
A special someone to share it with
Who appreciates all that I have to give.
Who wants to work together as one
And shares the dreams that build our love
I need a rock, who is there for me
And accepts my quirks above all things
Who will go do things just for fun
Perhaps, geocache, a musical, or family time
I want to laugh more than cry
To fall asleep at night being held tight
And wake to realize it wasn’t just a dream.

So much negativity surrounding me,
It’s draining the life from the depths of my soul
Killing me with each word, look, and gesture
The energy is dark and haunting
As the darkness seeps deep inside
How do I break the chains that bind
Demagnetize what draws it in
How do I find the light again
And remember... that I am good.

In my mind I’m trapped
What if… a torturous thought
Am I where I’m meant to be
Or did I let destiny pass
Happiness doesn’t come easy
And the past is hard to let go
I miss it even though it hurt
And yet the present is so…
Is it possible to be caught
In the middle of two life times
Is there only one soul mate
That I am meant to find
Or can my soul connect
With the one i'm with right now.

Silence brings doubt
Why do I question
Trust in myself
What I feel
Wandering aimlessly
Within my mind
Hopeless and alone.

The shadow is always there
Whether physically
Or only in my mind
How to give love
To the one who still and always
Will love another.

Haunted by the love he had for her
Unsure of the love he has for me
The love of his life gone
Never to return
While I stand beside him
He being the love of my life
Wondering if a person can ever
Truly love again after loss.

Scared to always be second to a ghost
Do I stay or grieve the loss of the one I love
Tear drops fall from my eyes
Sorrow fills my heart
So much to risk and yet
There is love shared
Will time heal his wounds?
Or open mine…….

As you hold me in your arms
Our fingers entwined together
A current of energy
Flowing from your body to mine
So strong and exhilarating
I melt into you
My heart racing
My breathing erratic
I feel like I could explode
From this overwhelming feeling
Your energy and soul
Connecting to mine
I have never felt you like this before
And I can’t wait to feel you like that again.

I want to go home
Not to my dwelling
Where I keep my things
But to my home
Where I keep my heart
Feel love and warmth
And happiness
Where I can be with you
And share the love
I have to give you
Where the troubles of the world
Melt away by your touch
And there is a new sense of hope
That tomorrow brings better things
Where we dream of our future together
And work to make the dreams reality
Where you’re at is my home
For my home is in your heart
And yours in mine.

Forget the past
The troubles and worries
The moments of happiness
The closeness shared beneath the stars

Don’t think about the future
Forget tomorrow
Don’t dream or wish
Or long for your love
Instead live for the moment

What does that mean
I'm so confused
My thoughts and feelings
Are not on a switch
They can’t be turned off
Because you say
It simply doesn’t work

In the moment
I still love you
I still want you
I still feel you
Nothing has changed
Except you running away...

I feel your pain of darkness
Every time you burrow deep
Into that secluded place
Where there is no hope or light
And no way for me to get in
I want to be the light that shines for you
A beacon that guides you from the abyss
To a world that is full of color and life
Where happiness is found
And dreams can manifest into reality
You are not ****** but need to be found
I am searching for you
Follow the light I am here.

Day by day the confusion rises
Heartache and happiness take their turns
Happiness the mask that’s on display
While heartache looms deep within
Can I continue to wear the mask
While the heartache continues to grow
Each new day another battle
To see which emotion’s in control
Heads happiness tails heartache
Flip the coin to see which wins

To care so much about a person
That it costs their friendship
Isn’t that ****** up and backwards
It’s suppose to be when someone cares to little
I can’t change what I feel or sense
I wouldn’t want to feel if I had a choice
It’s just there and you can’t understand
I feel such loss but that’s alright
I can’t and won’t apologize for caring
In the end lesson learned
Be careful about letting anyone in
Moving on.

Twisted and cruel
The one who plays me
Like a puppet
Cut my strings
And set me free
For the good in the world
I can no longer see

Save me from you
Save me from me
I beg you to set me free
Don’t call my name
Don’t call me at all
The higher you raise me
The farther I fall

Forget the past
It meant nothing at all
At least not to you
But For me everything
I gave my heart and soul
But now I’m shattered
Bitter and cold

So cut my strings
And set me free
To be alone
For all eternity.

When you open your heart
You risk everything
For the lucky few
There is blissful love
For the unlucky
A broken heart
Shattered dreams
A feeling of loss and despair
It makes one ponder
Does the chance of love
Out way the risk of being hurt?

Shy quiet girl sitting in the corner
Fighting to break free from your shell
Afraid to speak what’s on your mind
For it may not be what others think
Afraid they laugh at you behind your back
Feeling what you say is just not important
You’re not smart enough for your opinion to count
You’re ignorance shows each time you speak
So instead you hide and let the world pass you by
So you’re not condemned a stupid freak.

They say women are moody creatures
But I think men are still worse
The only difference between the two
Men don’t get the monthly curse
They’re moody when they get hungry
When they haven’t got their beauty sleep
In fact they don’t seem to need a reason
To turn into complete bleep bleeps.

I feel myself slipping
To the depths of great despair
Loneliness is inevitable
I don’t want to go back there
I hear your voices calling
Wanting me to come back
I ‘m trying hard to reach you
Please grab a hold of my hand
If I reach the bottom
I ‘m afraid there’s no return
From this **** depression
Another of god’s many curse.

Little has changed over the years
A new coat of paint and hardwood floors
Mom’s waiting with cookies for the kids
Who said you can’t go home

When the hustle and bustle of the day ends
And everyone is asleep in their beds
That’s when the nightmares always return
And the haunting sick feelings start again

I’m not alone I can feel them near me
Is it the angel from heaven I loved so
Or has the evil ******* escaped from hell
I’m covered in goose bumps and chilled

Morning can’t come soon enough
I lay there still and wide awake
I revert back to that scared little girl
Please don’t let him hurt me again

At last the sunlight shines…I’m saved
Mom asks how I slept last night
I look the other way and lie
She never needs to know

Nothing’s changed after all these years
The memories and scars are still there
Never ending and unhealed
Who said you can’t go home.

It’s been so long
Since my heart was yours
But yet I stay and play the game
I ***** myself out to you
To give my kids the life they deserve
A place to live, food, and clothes
And a dad they love truly so
You are the twinkle in our daughter’s eyes
Our son and you are so alike
You’re a decent father to the kids
But never the husband who loves his wife
Perhaps that’s the way it needed to be
But now I see you’re not for me
You’re really not a terrible man
There once was love when we first wed
But time has changed one of us
I have grown and you’re still a kid
You’ve cheated on me with your alcohol
Your crutch in life but now you’ll fall
While you were drunk I carried on
I’ve learned to stand on my own
I keep the house and care for the kids
While you’re out there acting single again
I can’t continue to live this way
I want a chance to be at peace
The chance to find some love for me
To have someone share my days
And fill my life with happier ways
So now this ***** has seen at last
This life of doing tricks must stop.

Don’t thank me
I am not the saint
That you think I am
I am selfish
But you don’t understand
Everything I do
Is to save myself
Without my work I would be lost

I found something I could do
That has made me finally see the truth
I 'm not worthless as I once thought
To work with youth is a blessing from god
I am their mentor and their friend
A person they can always rely on
But they are so much more to me
They are my Scouting family.

Darkness falls
On love
All beauty
All magic
Lost forever
Broken heart
Shattered pieces
Beyond mend
Damage done
In shadow
Forever.

How many times must a heart be broken
Before it fails to beat once more
When will the mind see the pattern
Love is a double edge sword

One edge is warmth and beauty
Laced with adrenaline
That makes your heart race
Just by a glance
A gentle touch
Or passionate kiss and embrace

The second edge is ice cold
Brings darkness to life
Laced with a poison
That kills the soul
Empties the heart
Each cut deeper and more precise

Bring out the armor
Protect the heart
Don’t be the next victim
Of the double edge sword.

Sometime after midnight
A chilling sound fills the house
The noise of people yelling
In the distance sirens sound
From the bedroom I peek out
What’s that laying on the floor
Slowly I move closer
A cold feeling fills the air
Much to my horror
I see my dad laying there
His skin was grayish white
His eyes rolled back in his head
My mother yelled to my father
Please don’t leave comeback

In what seemed a flash
The furniture went flying
The room was filled with people
And my mother stood there crying
They did the chest compressions
They breathed into his lungs
But still he did not respond
Or come back to the ones he loved
The paddles were charged
One... two... three... clear
Again and again they tried
But it appeared to no avail

They put him on the gurney
And wheeled him out the door
Loaded him into the ambulance
But something was wrong
The siren didn’t sound
The ambulance didn’t move
What the hell was going on
They never did that before
My mother crying said to us kids
Go quick put on some clothes
We’re all going to the hospital
Wait we’ve never gone before

We quickly got into the car
Rushed behind the ambulance
We pulled into the hospital
Watched them rush the gurney in
We waited for what seemed forever
In the hospital waiting room
At last the doctor came out
But by his look we knew
He looked into my mother’s eyes
Said we did everything we could
But there was no bringing him back
I ‘m so sorry to all of you

They took us back to see him
So we could say goodbye
I approached the bed cautiously
With tears falling from my eyes
There were tubes in his mouth
And wires coming off his chest
His skin was white and cold
His lips were blue and cracked
I didn’t want to let him go
But they said that we must leave
I felt a part of me died that night
As they dragged me from the room
I wish I would have said goodnight
And how much that I loved you.

From a far off distance a friendly voice comes from no where
It’s the voice I have wanted to hear for so long
He is like an angel sent from heaven with a mission
His job to make me laugh and smile
Who would have thought anyone could succeed
I have become the ice queen for so long
Taking life way to seriously
But slowly the ice shield is melting away
I am singing and dancing once more
Thanks to him I feel almost young
Definitely alive and liking life.

How can I say I love you
If I cause you so much pain
What a selfish person
I'm beginning to portray
I never meant my heart
To fall in love with you
But it has and how to stop it
I haven’t got a clue
I know you don’t believe
That soul mates exist
But I can’t help wonder
What if this is it
I'm drawn to you like a magnet
I just can’t stay away
So now I have to say I’m sorry
I don’t know what else to say.

Life just happens
It’s there for you to live
Take the time to enjoy it
Before it cease to exist
You make it what you want
No need to complain
For if you don’t like it
It’s for you to change
You were given one life
Just live it…Bring it on.

Step 1:  Understand that you are powerless when it comes to love
Step 2:  Open your heart to love or there is no chance to love or be loved
Step 3:  When in love there is no return to sanity
Step 4:  Turn matters of love over to the heart, your mind will lose anyway
Step 5:  Take inventory of why you feel this love (will help in future step)
Step 6:  Admit to yourself the exact nature of this love
Step 7:  Realize that love is worth the risk of all heartaches
Step 8:  Never put off love, act on it, tomorrow may be to late
Step 9:  Conjure up courage and then proceed to step 10
Step 10:  Express your love, use the inventory from step 5 as a guide
Step 11:  Be prepared for anything, you may or may not get the response you seek
Step 12:  Repeat step 1:  understand that you are powerless when it comes to love

My Captain my Captain
I swallow you down
You taste smooth
And so refined
You make me feel
Nothing at all
And that’s all right
I really don’t mind
Take me away
From my reality
Shut my mind
To all that’s real
I hope to forget
The woes in my life
So bartender
If you please
Another round.

What is it with this fatal attraction
For my soul that’s what it is
I have tried hard to ignore it
And not always give in

Erase you from my heart and mind
To be free from you at last
But every time you’re near
I simply have no chance

What is it about you
Keeps me wanting more
Your eyes mesmerize me
And pull me into your world

Your body makes my pulse race
I undress you with my eyes
I wish it were just physical
I’d have walked away by now

I love the way your mind works
Even if I don’t always understand
You make me think about things
That I never have before

The way you make me smile
And the way you make me laugh
Is just another of your facets
That keeps me coming back

I love the way you accept me
Like it’s ok to be myself
I let my guard down around you
And I take off my many masks

You seem to understand me
Even with all my many quirks
You even seem to tolerate me
When I’m acting like a *****

There’s so much more about you
That I just can’t find the words
To tell all the reasons
That you're driving me  berserk

That’s why I keep staring at you
With such passion in my eyes
You're my fatal attraction
And that I can’t deny.

I think I have found my purpose in life
To save those needing to be saved
I open myself to their pain and problems
Allowing them to heal and see better days
They beg me to fix their messed up lives
Help get me through my bad days
Help me through the long dark nights
They cry I can’t go on living this way
I come to their aid and be a true friend
Calm them till they‘re at peace again
I truly don’t mind and I am glad that I can
But I find myself wondering each day
Is it God’s laughter I hear
Because who can he send to save me?

IF I FALL
Will you be there to catch me
Will you lift me up and brush me off
Will you help me see the good in my life
Will you keep me safe from myself

TODAY
Can you be my guide and show me the way
Can you help me find a reason to go on
Can you always be there to be my friend
Can you be the shoulder that I can cry on

CAN I RELY ON YOU
To be strong when I am weak
To listen when I need to vent
To tell me the truths I need to hear
To be the one that I can unmask for

MY FRIEND
I am thankful to have you as my friend
I am hoping that I have been a friend to you
I am grateful that you came into my life
I am sure life wouldn’t be the same without you.

A race against time is what this is
A family history that puts me dead
A few years if I’m lucky is what I’ll have
To follow my dreams before I join my dad
What can I do to leave my mark on this world
Will I be missed and will anyone care

A hopeless romantic I’ve always been
But my biggest fear is that I’ll never be loved
I am loved by my family and even great friends
But the love I refer to comes far from within
It’s the deepest love that two people can share
A devotion of the heart that is passion filled

I’ve accomplished so many things in my life
And yet there is so much more to do
There are places to go and people to meet
Dreams to dream and goals to achieve
But if I could be granted just one wish
It’s to find true love before I rest.

I travel to the abyss
To find myself
To understand the
Meaning in my life
The need to save others
As I lose myself
What more of me
Can I give
The more I give
The more they take
If I don’t stop
I’ll cease to exist.

The cars roll up and come to a stop
You jump onboard thinking this rocks
But the non-stop ride has only just begun
Before long you’re up and in rages again
Things fly through the air and break on the wall
You’re pushing and fighting and out of control
Then you run to your room and lock yourself in
Crying and shaking till your asleep yet again
You wake from your sleep but you haven’t a clue
You really don’t know why things are askew

Another day and what will it bring
Today the rollercoaster is on a downhill swing
You’re sad and mad and hating the world
There is no one to love and no one who cares
Forget the friends and forget the fun
You lay in your bed wishing you were gone
I tell you I love you and you say it’s not true
You’re the love of my life what can I do

Day after day the ride starts again
The only change is the curves and the spins
We have tried all the medicines but to no avail
We have gone to the psychiatrist but she is no help
I understand your thinking son but what can I do
We have tried so many things and yet I haven’t a clue

You beg me to **** you and to make it all stop
I want it to end but your request I can not
Please don’t give in to this terrible thing
Stay with me a while longer till I find you again
The rollercoaster will someday jump the track
And you will be free from the ride at last.

He’s up
He’s down
I sit and cry
What happened to
My sweet little boy
One minute I love you
The next he hits
There is no happy medium
By which he lives
A roller coaster ride
That does not stop
Turn off the ride
He wants to get off
A variety of pills
That should do the trick
But not one is helping
We’ve exhausted their list
What to do now
Someone has got to know
This Bipolar hell
Is taking my son
There is no place to hide
No place to run
He is trapped in this nightmare
He wants it to end
Each day he gets worse
He starts to defend
The thought that he’d
Be better off dead.

You walk in the door stumbling
Wreaking of liquor and beer
I am suppose to be nice
But I just cannot bear
I listen to your *******
Till I can take it no more

I go to the bedroom and shut the door
You come in saying you love me
Another of your lies
Its moments like this
That I’d rather die

I know what is coming
I know what you want
You strip yourself naked
And climb on top

What choice do I have
It’s a means to an end
I close my eyes
I picture my friend
It makes it bearable
Till finally the end

You finish your business
And soon you’re asleep
While I lay there crying
Feeling ***** and cheap

You’re no better than he was so very long ago
Both selfish ******* thinking only of yourselves
The only difference that truly I can see
Are the rings that are binding you and me.

The one I want
I can not have
The one I have
I do not want
The one who wants me
No love returned.

Once just a dream
To soar and fly
He started as a little boy
And though the journey
Was rough and tough
He gave his all
And never gave up
He selflessly gave
To those in need
A boy scout he was meant to be
A young man now
He’s strong and tall
An inspiration to us all
For though the dream
He thought could not be
Has become today reality
For an Eagle Scout
He’ll always be!

That ******* may he burn in hell
For what he did to a little girl
The innocence he had stole
Never again to be quite whole
For his acts she must pay
For the filth can’t be washed away
The nightmares that do not cease
Of abuse stemmed from his ****** needs
A cry for help but no one hears
Because she is a little girl
He would not hurt her for you see
A big brother he was suppose to be
Who would believe he was pure evil
Surely not her loving mother
So as an adult before he passed
A request to admit the torturous past
But the selfish ******* could not see
The truth was what could set her free
Instead he denied what he had done
So he could remain the perfect son
So because of what you did to me
May you burn in hell for eternity.

In my world
So cold and dark
Lonely by day
And even more lonely by night
Left alone to hide the pain
Of what my life has become
The smell of beer
The fighting and tears
There is no escape
Remember I chose this
It’s not easily undone
To do so would cause so much pain
So I shall live my life a fake
Longing for happiness that once was
I’ll put on a smile day by day
So the outside world never sees my pain

To care for me
Is to care for you
To feel alive
By the feel of your gaze
At the brush of your hand
At the sound of your voice
Feeding the longing
To do more then exist
To let someone in
To care for you
Is to care for me.