I dreamt of you again last night.
I do not remember a single moment of the dream in detail.
The thoughts discussed and the actions taken are all a muddled blur.
I do remember that you hugged me.
I remember the feel of your arms wrapping around me.
My head resting on your chest.
The warmth emanating off of you.
The softness of your shirt.
Every fake moment of it, is etched into my mind.

I remember the feeling so deeply, that even now, wide awake and alone in a room I can feel your arms around me.

The thought of writing how I feel makes my skin burn.
My heart races in my chest and it becomes hard to breathe.
I used to write every day.
The words would flow out in this never-ending stream.
I wonder what changed?
I wonder why I am so scared to put how I feel into words the way I used to.
Will I ever be able to turn feelings into eloquent writing again?
The way I used to or at least tried to...

The past year I've reached a level of happiness I use to never think possible.
It's like I've become content with myself and life.
Yet lately I've begun to feel off.
My anxiety has begun to creep back up and is spilling out of me.
I'm losing my calm.
I can't stop overthinking.
Every conversation I have, every action I make echoes through my mind on a loop.
I'm scared to go to work.
Scared to speak at school.
Terrified my boyfriend is going to leave me.
And why?
I have no clue.
It won't stop.
I can't calm down.
I feel like I can't breathe and all I want is a cigarette.
Something I quit over a year ago.
I'm craving it the way I normally crave alcohol.
Like it's an overwhelming desire I can't bottle down.
I can't stop thinking.
I want it to stop.
I want to calm down.
I want to smoke.
And I can't.
I really don't know what to do.
F**k Anxiety.

I’ve been in love before, that’s no secret.
I’ve felt love so intense I couldn’t fathom it ever ending.
Then you appeared.
I couldn’t get you out of my head.
Nothing about being with you, nothing about understanding you was simple and easy.
But every second talking to you, sitting next to you was more than simple and easy.
I’ve found so much peace inside myself.
So much love and happiness.
I’m happier than I’ve been in years.
That’s owed to you.
Your smile is my anchor.
I finally was able to stop the madness in my mind and just live.
And on the bad days I have you next to me, loving me, taking care of me when I need it.
Loving you is peaceful.
It’s like floating in still water.
We are so different.
Nothing about who we are on paper should work.
Yet, we do.
We work perfectly.
Through our differences you push me out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned, evolved, and changed for the better.
You’re one of the best things to ever cross my path.
Because of that I think I’ll love you forever.

They say the eyes are the windows to your soul and that is nothing but true.
Through someone’s eyes you can see it all.
The glare of anger.
A sparkle of happiness.
True surprise.
Intense sorrow.
And worst of all when you look into someone’s eyes and see nothing.
No emotions.
A blank slate.
An empty shell.
The eyes of someone filled with too many years of pain.
I’m tired of seeing those eyes in every mirror I turn to.

It’s my birthday and I feel nothing.
Every year I watch people anticipate their birthdays.
As a kid there’s so much excitement.
As an adult there’s so much dread.
There’s the glorious sweet sixteens.
The exciting turn of being an adult at eighteen.
You turn twenty one and are
completely legal.
It’s a celebration.
A cause for happiness, gifts, parties, and so much more.
It’s a holiday just for you.
Yet year after year I’ve felt nothing.
I feel nothing.
It’s a day to remember for most.
A day I’ve always wished would go away.
I feel as though I have to fake my way through this day.
Pretend I feel the same.
In my eyes it’s just the same as every other day.
Birthdays are meaningless to me.

You make eternity feel like a matter of seconds.
Sitting next to you feels like I'm frozen in time.

I've changed because of you.
So much about me has changed.
I'm not even sure who I was before I had you.
I'm not even sure if I want to be her again.
I've grown so confident.
So calm.
I've developed patience and honesty.
I know who I am, and have accepted myself.
I enduldge in the things I love and don't hide what those things are.
I've matured and learned how to love in a truly healthy way.
I no longer rely on others.
I don't need someone in my life to take care of me any longer.
Though just because I don't need doesn't mean I don't want.
I can't imagine living through a day without talking to you.
Without proving how much I love you and want you in my life.
You're apart of every part of my world.
Everything about the person I've become has been supported by you.
I want to live the rest of my life spending everyday being influenced by you.
Maturing with you.
Changing with you.
Being in love with you.

However I've lost you..
The one constant I will never want to give up.
I just pray that one day I'll get you back.
The world dulls more and more each day without you by my side.

How could I possibly explain to you the things you do to my mind.
I get overwhelmed with love from one single look.
A thousand butterflies swarm through my stomach when I hear your voice.
And you always leave me stuck smiling.
A smile that could never fade.
Except.
When you start doing what you've grown so good at.
This beloved new pattern of yours.
We make plans.
This means, we have an agreement.
We've struck an accord.
I have your word.
A word that is beginning to mean less and less.
You've ditched me.
Again.
That's all I'm left here thinking.
I've been ditched.
Discarded.
Forgotten until another moment.
You try so hard.
That's what matters most right?
That you're trying?
That you love me?
I love you.
So tell me why I can't get it out of my mind...
I've been ditched.
My insecurities are screaming at me that I don't mean enough to be remembered.
You continuously tell me otherwise.
Yet, that is what I am stuck believing.
How could I possibly explain to you the things you do to my mind.
I've been ditched.
And you are no where to be found.

I love you the way I love a new book and paint covered hands.
I crave you the way I crave tea on a star filled night.
I need you the way I need to dance in the rain on a hot day.
I miss you more than anything I have to compare.

I remember the first time you held me.
It lasted for only a minute.
I lost my balance and you caught me.
Your hands were on my sides.
My eyes locked with yours.
It was only a matter of seconds before you let go.
Those seconds felt like eternity.
Everything froze in that moment.
Nothing else existed but you.
It feels so cliche to say, like something you'd hear in a movie.
Nothing else exists when you touch me.
Over two years has passed since that moment and it still holds true.
On nights like this I think of that moment.
On nights like this I wish I had you here to hold me and make everything disappear again.

Is it no longer possible for someone to look outside of their mind long enough to see me.
To see that I'm cracking, shattering across the floor.
With nothing but tears and sobs to slow my fall.

No matter how much time I get with you it's never enough.
It won't ever be enough.
Not until the day I finally get to start spending every night falling asleep in your arms.
I miss you every second.
Not having you next to me is killing me.

Stay by my side.
Don't let go for a second.
I can't imagine life without you again.
Just lay here a while longer.
Let's hold off on this ending as long as possible.
This isn't the last time I'll see you.
I just refuse to wait any longer for the next.
We belong at each other's sides.
Why does distance have to make love so hard?

With you I never stop smiling.
I never stop laughing.
With you I'm overcome with happiness.
That's what I love most about being with you.

You look at me and are struck with beauty as you kiss me and call me a goddess.
I look at myself and see nothing but a broken piece of glass chipping away.

Is being in love worth it?
Is being in a relationship worth it?
If you know it's not forever and will inevitably end...

I felt lost in the happiness and didn't know how to live.
I guess this is my karma for secretly missing the pain.
My life is turning upside down.
I'm no longer happy with how things have turned out.
I don't know how to fix this.
It feels as though this better life I've created has started to collapse.

I look at you and it feels like my heart is breaking.
How do you truly know we will be okay.
I'm petrified and all I want to do is run.
We are about to spend this amazing month together but then what.
We will be stuck 1,000 miles away again.
Spending month after month attempting a relationship through skype and phone calls.
Keeping things alive with promiscuous snapchats and conversations.
Will we make it?
Will we be okay if we end up going six months or longer apart again.
I love you more than I know how to describe.
Though as my mother taught me...
Love isn't always enough.

You can tell can't you?
That's why he bothers you so much.
You can tell I still love him.
You're right I do.
I always have and always will.
It's a love that will never vanish no matter how hard I have tried.
It will never leave me.
That doesn't matter to me however.
He is no longer who I want.
Who I spend my days thinking of, loving, and missing in our moments apart.
He is no longer the man I wish to fall asleep with at night.
The man whose arms I wish to be waking up in.
Your voice is the last one I wish to hear at night.
Your face is the last I wish to see before closing my eyes.
I can't imagine being with anyone but you.
The love I have for you is so pure.
It's a constant, never ending, happiness.
It's a calm summer night full of laughter.
I love you with more of me than I knew was capable.
Nothing has ever felt so right before.
It is time to stop worrying about my past.
And realize...
You are the person I was supposed to be with from the moment we met.
I was destined to find you.
To love you.
Even if it ends up being for only a period of our lives.
In this moment my heart belongs to nothing and no one but you.

Can't you tell I'm killing myself over here.
Killing myself in the stress.
Drowning as I try to reach your expectations.
You can't treat me like a teenager and expect me to meet the responsibilities and requirements of an adult.
I work my *** of for you but you don't ever see.
I go above and beyond.
Do everything you ask.
I'm starting to realize it's not worth it.
I can't **** myself for you.
I can only do the best of my ability and hope you see.
I have covered your *** so many times.
Covered everyone else more than I can count.
I'm always there.
Does that not count for anything.
If what I bring to the table is so worthless why do I push aside my priorities for this.
I have my own things to be accomplishing here.
My own goals to meet.
If I give you more than I have to give.
What will I have left at the end.
Nothing.
I'll be nothing.
I'm killing myself over here for nothing.
It's time I stop.
It's time I stop worrying about what you will think if I mess up and start worrying about what I need.
What I'm capable of.
What it is I can do.
Because isn't that the goal in life.
To do the best YOU can do.
I shouldn't have to be killing myself anymore for you.

You became a part of my world this weekend.
You met my friends.
My family.
Those in this world that mean most to me.
You partied with us.
Laughed with us.
Saw apart of my life I rarely experience anymore.
Everyone loved you.
It was amazing.
I can't believe how perfectly you fit into my world.
You cause happiness and fun in a town I didn't know was capable of allowing it.
It's been so long since I've felt the way I did this weekend.
Even longer since I felt that way back home.
I finally felt at peace in the place that destroyed me.
Some how you've managed to bring light into every section of my life.

Four years ago I was 14 years old.
An alcoholic on a path of destruction.
Three years ago I was 15 years old.
A girl madly in love for the first time.
Two years ago I was 16 years old.
I had lost everything I loved.
One year ago I was 17 years old.
Attempting to rebuild myself.
Today I am 18 years old.
Everything has changed.
I've never been such a different person compared to the one I use to be.
I always had one common attribute.
I was depressed, angry, and unhappy.
I was scared, anxious, and hated myself.
So much has changed in the past few years.
My friends.
My family.
My life.
Who I am at the core.
I'm truly happy now.
So much has changed.
Yet I look exactly the same.

I'm struggling to find the words to say to describe how I feel.
Do I write another love poem about how happy and peaceful I feel.
Do I write another poem about how scared happiness makes me.
Do I write about emotions I use to feel when my mind was dark and shattered.
Back when my poetry was at its height.
When the words came without a thought and I could write 20 poems in a night.
Broken hearts and tormented minds create such beautiful lines.
Now I understand why the best artists are always driven with pain.
It makes me wish I was still driven with pain.
How sick does one have to be to think this way.
To wish that someone could break my heart so I can write just one more beautiful line.

It's like the earth is shattering around me.
Chaos is swirling through the air.
All the buildings are beginning to crumble.
Brick after brick falling to the ground.
Everything has begun to wither and die.
Destruction is over running the world.
And I'm just sitting there in the center of it all.
I'm sitting in the eye of the storm.
Watching as everything I've ever known falls through the cracks of the universe.

Being in love is killing my poetry. I guess even happiness has its flaws.

Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I may be small and weaker than most.
We know I'm definitely more fragile than most.
Though I would travel to the end of the world to save you.
I would fight 1,000 men to save you.
To save your heart from anymore damage.
Protect your mind from anymore pain.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I love you more than words can describe.
When I'm with you I feel alive.
A sense of calm captures me.
The smile you see and laughter you hear belong to you.
You make me feel strong and invincible.
Every time I see you the rest of the world disappears.
The love I have for you is irreplaceable.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
Looking at you takes my breath away.
Your smile hypnotizes me.
I find everything about how you look addicting.
I can never stop staring into your eyes.
Your messy hair falling in waves down your shoulders is one of my favorite sights to see.
The way I feel with your arms around me is indescribable.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasions our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I love you with all of me.
I swear to protect you, you're safe with me.
You will never go through the suffering and heartbreak you did before.
I will never hurt you.
I won't leave your side until you no longer need me.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
Though it all sums up in three tiny words.
I Love You.

It is in my opinion that moments are fleeting. Days are spent attempting to find that one perfect moment. Twenty seconds of perfection before the moment ends and becomes nothing more than an undying memory. A memory that causes you to smile instantaneously.

Devastating times rise from the ashes of the happiest of occasions.

You make me feel like I'm a little kid on a swing set.
The higher I get the more invincible I become.
The longer I swing the more at peace I feel.
You make me feel like I'm flying through the air.
Being in love with you is like being on a swing set.

Everyone searches for perfection.
The perfect guy.
The perfect girl.
The perfect outfit or haircut.
To be perfect.
To look perfect.
We all want it and seek for it desperately.
I'm one who never believed perfection existed.
All I see in the world is flaws.
I search for beauty and am always left with everything but.
I look at a random face and see every negative feature instead of the positive.
I guess you could say I'm a pessimist to the extreme.
Or atleast I was.
I've recently learned perfection is hidden within every moment.
Because I'll look at you and I know you're perfection.
Not because you look like the perfect human.
Not because you have the most perfect traits one could have.
You're perfect because...
Every flaw.
Every imperfection.
Every positive.
Every beautiful feature you have.
Is everything I want.
When I look at you, I smile and in that moment life is perfect.

I love you.
That scares the hell out of me.
In some ways I've never loved anyone more.
The love I have for you feels simple and perfect.
It comes with no effort.
Almost as if it has always been there.
As if apart of me has always loved you.
It comes without thought.
The way I feel for you is unexplainable.
Why I feel this way is unexplainable.
It's almost as if I'm supposed to be loving you.
Everything with you just comes so naturally.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared my medical problems will become too much.
I'm scared my depression or anxiety will become an inconvenience.
I'm scared that you'll wake up one day and find the fact that I never shut up annoying.
I'm scared that the distance will make you feel as if I'm not worth it.
I opened myself up to you in a way I didn't think I was capable of anymore.
I let you in with no option of turning around and hiding.
I don't know why I did.
I never let my guard down without a fight.
Never allow others to know how deep my inner demons lie.
I'm scared beyond understanding of losing you one day.
I've lost so many others because they weren't able to withstand my constant battles.
To lose you would be destroying.
Most of all I'm scared because I still struggle accepting that you love me enough that I have no need to fear anymore.
Especially since fear comes so naturally.

I've struck an epiphany.
One I'm sure countless others have had before me.
One I'm sure has been realized so many times it's begun to lose its significance.
Yet here I am.
Lying awake with an obvious realization.
I have struggled with happiness for so long.
Struggled to have the capability to hold on to it.
Happiness has always been fleeting.
I grasp ahold and long to keep it.
However, I never seem to be able to.
I finally accepted last summer that I deserve happiness though still I struggle believing that.
When I fill my hours with others.
People to keep me away from myself.
I begin to feel as if I'm on cloud 9.
Everything in life seems to shift into place.
It always ends though.
I've never managed to hold on for longer than a few weeks at a time.
As if I'm in a constant never ending loop.
Now I realize for the first time why it ends.
I can't manage to be alone with myself.
You can only cover your days with people for so long before you end up alone for a night.
I can't stand being alone with myself.
No matter other people's opinions of me.
No matter how many people see me in a positive or amazing view.
I disgust myself.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I can't seem to find happiness in being alone with myself.
Not while I despise who I am.
Until I can find happiness sitting alone.
Until I can discover the good in me.
My happiness will always be fleeting.

I love the way you say my name.
I love the way you are always telling me to take just one tiny bite when I'm not eating.
I love the way you look at me and smile.
God do I love your smile.
I love how passionate you are about the things you love.
How enthusiastic you get playing video games.
I love the way you always have to make sure that "I am sure" about everything.
I love that you have dreams.
I love how caring you are.
That I can call you day or night.
I love your taste in music.
I love the way you accept me.
I love that you can always make me smile.
I love how happy I make you.
How happy you make me.
I love the way my heart stops every time you say that you love me.
I love the way you try to hide the giant smile you get when I'm talking about how amazing you are.
I love the way your hand feels in mine.
The way your chest feels when I'm using you as a pillow.
I love the way we can talk for hours or lay in silence together the entire day.
I love knowing that you're always there.
I love you.
I truly do.

Someday I'll learn how to fly.
I'll leave this place and all of my fears behind.
My soul will heal and my smile won't look as forced.
I will journey down an adventure few experience and many envy.
I will sit in silence without thoughts over powering me.
I'll forget everything I've been through, all the pain I've endured.
Someday I'll be everything I've dreamed of.

I've had an interesting past week.
With old memories appearing.
New memories being created.
This realization was bound to be met.
Anxiety filled I flew home to see everyone.
A sense of calm settled once I arrived.
Things were so simple.
So casual.
We all settled back into old routines.
And then the memories hit.
Things I didn't even realize I had forgotten.
What it felt like when we were all best friends.
When we were all family.
How it felt when drama began to tear us all apart.
Though the most intense memory that appeared is one I wish I had never felt.
I remembered what being in love with him was like.
How it felt to lay in each other's arms for hours while laughing and talking about nonsense.
I remembered every detail of how heartbroken I was when things ended.
I remembered how much I wanted to kiss him when he got excited over nothing.
How annoyingly cute his horrible memory is.
I remembered just how in love I was with every perfection and flaw he has.
And then I realized...
I'm still in love with him.
Apart of me will always be in love with him.
We've shared too much.
Been through too much not to be.
Without him I would never have been through what I have.
I wouldn't be the person I am.
I wouldn't have the friends I do.
The dreams I have.
He completely changed my life.
I'm over pretending.
I love him.
I'm in love with him and always will be.
However our lives are no longer compatible and it has been a long time since I've wanted him.
He will always be the love of my life.

Within a matter of days he swept in and changed everything.
Suddenly I felt like I deserved more than what I had been allowing myself.
Next to him I finally felt like myself again.
I wasn't being who I needed to be; who people expected me to be.
I was just living within each moment.
He didn't make me happy.
He made me believe I deserved happiness.
He made me want to be happy.
Now I'm smiling like an idiot throughout each day.
Yet, whenever I speak to him it becomes a smile that exceeds expectations.
Suddenly I posses a smile I was unaware existed.

She hid from those who loved her.

She rebelled to the point of self destruction.

She was overtook by the sorrow and darkness.

She rebuilt herself out of the ashes.

She replaced the fear with patience.

The emptiness with love.

She replaced the anger with passion.

The sorrow with joy.

I found another chance at life.
A chance to start new and be happy.
I ran into the chance head first.
Knowing the likely hood of crashing was far higher.
Yet here I am.
Smiling my days away.
I'm happier than I've ever been.

She sat there in hysterics.
Mentally and emotionally numb.
Swinging her feet off the side of a dock in debate.
Debating on how long it takes someone to drown.
What it feels like to be suffocated by the water.
How long would it be till someone found her.
What her parents reactions would be.
What her siblings and friends would feel.
If anyone would truly care or let go after the appropriate amount of time to grieve.
Time ticking fast.
She promised herself not to rush into the decision.
She survived once before when she attempted too quickly.
The seconds and minutes blurred together quickly as her deadline approached.
She took of her jewelry, jacket, and shoes.
Took the password off of her phone.
She was ready.
One minute remaining.
Her decision already made.
She finishes her cigarette.
It's 2:01
One minute passed.
Then she hears him.
Running over to her.
Sitting down with her.
Hugging her.
Asking her if she's okay.
Saving her.
Not realizing that if he was just a few minutes later she would be lost to him forever.
He saved her.

I've had somewhat of a heavy heart as of late.
The loss of you has been hitting more frequently again.
The pain is always there though at times is more intense.
I saw another shooting star just now.
That would be 5 since I lost you.
My beautiful baby whose eyes never got to meet the world.
My beautiful baby who I never got the chance to hold.
I think of you constantly.
With every shooting star I see I know it's your way of telling me everything will be okay.
I will be okay.
My beautiful baby.
My shooting star.
You will always be with me.

For the first time I feel at peace within my own mind and it's a beautiful feeling.
I have rid myself of the pieces I dispise.
Embraced the positives I hold.
Learned how to love the parts I've never understood.
The love I hold for the universe is raw and pure.
The passion I have for art is unique and bold.
The smile my face has developed is beautiful and real.
The anger I showed for so long is fading away.
While happiness and sanity is taking its place.
I'm falling in love with the girl I've always dreamed to be.
I truly have begun to finally feel like the girl everyone has always seen in me.

The most epic love and brutal battles normally start and end with the simplest of words being said.

Falling for you was a dream come true.
Loving you was the nightmare I never expected.

Somedays I wish I didn't miss you.
Because if I didn't miss you that would mean you'd be here with me.
And I really want to just not be missing you.

You literally make it feel as though I can't breathe.
Which is why I can't keep pretending.
I can't pretend I only see you as a friend.
Just seeing your name cross my phone makes me smile like an idiot.
I'm falling for your goofy smile.
I'm falling for your horrible sentence structure in texts.
I like you.
I'm falling for you.
I want you to be here next to me.
Holding me as I sleep every night.

She is the definition of perfection.
She is elegant and poised.
Knows true pain with every fiber of her being yet never falters.
Never stops smiling.
Has a kindness to her that is beyond compare.
Her body isn't perfect yet there's not one thing you could say is wrong with it.
To all who she meets they see kindness.
Innocents.
A pure heart and soul.
But underneath all of that she is wild and passionate.
Living every moment as though she will never live again.
She is everything about myself I wish I had the courage to see.
To summarize she is me.

Sometimes it feels like reality is eons away.
In those moments.
I just need somebody to grab my hand and pull me back down to earth.
Be my life line to the rest of humanity.