I dreamt of you again last night.
I do not remember a single moment of the dream in detail.
The thoughts discussed and the actions taken are all a muddled blur.
I do remember that you hugged me.
I remember the feel of your arms wrapping around me.
My head resting on your chest.
The warmth emanating off of you.
The softness of your shirt.
Every fake moment of it, is etched into my mind.

I remember the feeling so deeply, that even now, wide awake and alone in a room I can feel your arms around me.

The thought of writing how I feel makes my skin burn.
My heart races in my chest and it becomes hard to breathe.
I used to write every day.
The words would flow out in this never-ending stream.
I wonder what changed?
I wonder why I am so scared to put how I feel into words the way I used to.
Will I ever be able to turn feelings into eloquent writing again?
The way I used to or at least tried to...

The past year I've reached a level of happiness I use to never think possible.
It's like I've become content with myself and life.
Yet lately I've begun to feel off.
My anxiety has begun to creep back up and is spilling out of me.
I'm losing my calm.
I can't stop overthinking.
Every conversation I have, every action I make echoes through my mind on a loop.
I'm scared to go to work.
Scared to speak at school.
Terrified my boyfriend is going to leave me.
And why?
I have no clue.
It won't stop.
I can't calm down.
I feel like I can't breathe and all I want is a cigarette.
Something I quit over a year ago.
I'm craving it the way I normally crave alcohol.
Like it's an overwhelming desire I can't bottle down.
I can't stop thinking.
I want it to stop.
I want to calm down.
I want to smoke.
And I can't.
I really don't know what to do.
F**k Anxiety.

I’ve been in love before, that’s no secret.
I’ve felt love so intense I couldn’t fathom it ever ending.
Then you appeared.
I couldn’t get you out of my head.
Nothing about being with you, nothing about understanding you was simple and easy.
But every second talking to you, sitting next to you was more than simple and easy.
I’ve found so much peace inside myself.
So much love and happiness.
I’m happier than I’ve been in years.
That’s owed to you.
Your smile is my anchor.
I finally was able to stop the madness in my mind and just live.
And on the bad days I have you next to me, loving me, taking care of me when I need it.
Loving you is peaceful.
It’s like floating in still water.
We are so different.
Nothing about who we are on paper should work.
Yet, we do.
We work perfectly.
Through our differences you push me out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned, evolved, and changed for the better.
You’re one of the best things to ever cross my path.
Because of that I think I’ll love you forever.

They say the eyes are the windows to your soul and that is nothing but true.
Through someone’s eyes you can see it all.
The glare of anger.
A sparkle of happiness.
True surprise.
Intense sorrow.
And worst of all when you look into someone’s eyes and see nothing.
No emotions.
A blank slate.
An empty shell.
The eyes of someone filled with too many years of pain.
I’m tired of seeing those eyes in every mirror I turn to.

It’s my birthday and I feel nothing.
Every year I watch people anticipate their birthdays.
As a kid there’s so much excitement.
As an adult there’s so much dread.
There’s the glorious sweet sixteens.
The exciting turn of being an adult at eighteen.
You turn twenty one and are
completely legal.
It’s a celebration.
A cause for happiness, gifts, parties, and so much more.
It’s a holiday just for you.
Yet year after year I’ve felt nothing.
I feel nothing.
It’s a day to remember for most.
A day I’ve always wished would go away.
I feel as though I have to fake my way through this day.
Pretend I feel the same.
In my eyes it’s just the same as every other day.
Birthdays are meaningless to me.

You make eternity feel like a matter of seconds.
Sitting next to you feels like I'm frozen in time.