best to remain unnamed

best to remain unnamed Aug 2016

Sweet girl
I feel i must tell you that the worst is not over
But you are cold and steely
Churning and relentless
even in mosaic bits.
And you will slip silently into places you have not want nor have been.
You will at some points be nothing but a reflection of your own pain.
And you may hide from mirrors and even food will lose its taste
And comfort
And you will fade and think a
Hundred million times
I am broken
I am less than ...
Because falling into the abyss is a cold fighting wait
So cold you may not be but numbing ache
So cold you will lose yourself to sharp words
Stripping you right off your hollow bones
And you will lose all your hope and love and life
And laughter will be scorched right out of you by scornful looks
And you will be torn through by hands so gentle as to have loved you once.
And over and over  you will let them .
If only for the hope of the touch of something warmer
Every bit torn exposing more vacancy inside where something important used to hide.

Sweet girl
I feel i must tell you
Do not forget then
That the woman standing on frigid waters
Edge cursing and red
Is not but twisted picture angry sister of all that's loved you
Of your mother
And your friends
While she holds your head just above bleak motionless surface
Only long enough to paint you worthless
In the words she sings you in
remember then, sweet girl the legs your mother had born you in
Legs made of stone and electric grace
pedestals made to carry you to safe distance at swift pace
’pedestals
To lift you to your highest self
Even under the incredible weight of this disappointment and pain the nothing ringing out of everything of this disdain weighing  inside you
You will be strong enough to walk the distance
Brave enough to endure
Until you
Are caught unexpected not by the sharp demise you hear echo in your mind
but by the soft sweet echo of someone who loves you more than you can imagine
You will be aching and breathless and born again
In love with your persistence and patience and paint yourself courageous brighter than anyone ever said
Because you proved it when every time you died you lived.
No death nor hate or pain of disdain can hold you down no yearning heart not or wanting can stand you still you will sing yourself  creator of your universe
You will love all that brokenness all those anxious moments and scars for what they are because it takes every scrap of things to build yourself up.

When you finally see yourself
You will find you burn so deep and bold and wider still
than the bits of the girl that died inside
Sweet girl
I feel i must tell you
The fall you have taken will be the longest you have lived.
At all angles there is wind
That hurts
But sweet girl do not flinch
You will be the strongest then
You have ever been.
The strongest yet you have ever seen.

best to remain unnamed Jul 2016

Self love.

You fell in love with an artist
a poet,
you fell in love with this emotive , overwhelmed
lover
idling and obsessing over acceptance,

you fell in love with a fighter , a philosopher, a day dreamer
a worrier
a warrior
always pressed hard against her fears
and picking at them,

you fell in love with a creator,
a sculptor who touched you
like she wanted to make you into forever,

you fell in love with the clutter queen,
collecting things that made her feel like a smile,
and losing them just as quickly
she only has time and space
to love what matters
you fell in love with a universe.

you fell in love with a matrix of scars tracing back over her top lip to lower back to finger tips,
all the way across a childhood, adolescence ,
abandonment and broken glass,broken marriage, broken hands
traced along a tragic, beautiful, powerful existence.

you fell in love with courage, with raw honesty and grace. You fell in love with wide
open eyes, and hungry ears.
a great and terrible curiosity.

you fell in love with the mediator, the meditating the engaging tuned in
empathy reader.
sweet man
we fell in love with so many things
when we fell in love
with me.
I see you
seeing me
and it helps me see myself.

I love you
I love me.

best to remain unnamed May 2016

T.

I have lived my life a perfect rendition
of toddlers circling scrawl
always looping back
always colored an emotion
that was
to absolute to be appropriate

just a little to honest
and real
circling

I remember plain as day the sun of your smile
and I replay the color of your changing behind my eyes every night
I have traced over and over the feel
of your running away
of your hiding away
of your lines and color
the exact lay
of the paradigm shift
leaving lots of blank space
for the parts of you I don't know now.

Your sunshine smile died
or got lost in the shift, or in the space
and I miss for things you aren't now.
I miss a person who no longer exists.

I honer her
the little girl you laid to rest
with your decisions
buried under the weight of a whole life.
when you were just colors you bled
over the entire page

perhaps that is why it feels
like you started over.

best to remain unnamed May 2016

Sorry

sorry
I'm sorry
I'm all energy running on
blue
smooth and slow and a sorrow
that is without boundary
a whisper
drowned out by the bucketing
rain on our roof you never hear me
or all the thoughts I keep
just there
on the inside of my lip
to overwhelmed by my blue
and this tsunami
to tell you
how wrong I am
I have been
I am
I am....
sorry

best to remain unnamed Apr 2016

Monster On My Doorstep ( panic disorder)

Perhaps if
i had finished picking at all the sharp insecurities that leave fingers raw and ******,
If i had finished picking at all the sharp insecurities ; cause bones casting shadows beneath my skin.
If i had finished picking at all the sharp insecurities
cutting them out of me with her
sharp words,
Over and over and over
Frantically scraping
Scraping
Pasting
together some sense of security with my
repetition
Beating it into existence with my
Persistence.
Saying it over and over and over again

I wouldn’t be
falling
Yellow, brown, purple, blue,
Bruises where my knees make contact
With the stone floor,
With concrete,
With the stairs to my bedroom dungeon

My panic shaded shackles chaffing my scrawny wrists.
Fear can hold you captive

I know there is no monster on my doorstep
No one sees it
But i hear it breathing there.

I feel it waiting for me.

best to remain unnamed Apr 2016

I Prayed

I prayed,
a silent prayer
my eyes open and heavy on him,
settling like dust on his edges
dancing like the soft sputtering kisses
of the candle light
beside our bed.

Feeling safe in the shadows and light
that play all along him,
across the celestial lay of his skin
and parade behind his eyes
I prayed.

A silent prayer to empty skies
to the soundless indifferent void
To the absents of god
That I have always known
I prayed.

A silent prayer deep behind my personal truths,
Just in case i'm wrong
just in case he is  right
silently in still of night
I prayed
"thank you, for him.

for the carousal of his mind
and fire in his chocolate eyes,
for the warmth in his smile.
Thank you for his devotion
and his sharp sincerity.

thank you for the solar system
rest
upon my arm,
enigmatic, polarized and stunning.
grin induced heart beat thrumming,

thank you

for my goodnight and loving morning.
For the way he takes my hand
at night when he kneels to pray.

For all of this
If you exist
I need to say
I thank you."

best to remain unnamed Apr 2016

Dear mother 4

I know the pain of disassembly I know the pain of reincarnation The exhaustion every building from the bottom to the top searching every bit of your mind in the bottom of your greatest fear to the top of your highest hopes I know the pain So do not hide in the vast forest of your fears I will find you
Do not bury yourself under the weight of your thoughts I will find you I have been there I see you and glimpses of reflective surface dancing upon rapid rivers glistening pools of calm Collected do in the eager hands of the forest floor.
You cannot run further than I have been at least not here even with embarrassment feeling your bones when fitting lengthening your stride you cannot hide here
And you're not alone really wish that or not no motions have a funny way of echoing all the way around you of playing like reflections on the faces