can't shake this feeling,
feel like a schoolyard boy again,
unsure of the next step after simply liking you.
i've never felt a want like this.

how can i miss someone i don't even know?
felt nervous for the first time in seven years -
a heart attack away from never being able to love you.
i'll use less tonight if it means seeing you again.

waking from a nightmare into the dream of having you beside me.
i can keep the shades closed because i'll have all the sunshine i need.
i'll keep my heart open because all my love will wake.
what do i have to do to see you every daybreak?

men used to fight wars over women like you.
and i suppose i'd take to arms to hold you in mine.
a.i. generators couldn't better picture 'goddess'.
and maybe... just maybe... they won't better picture 'love'.

we lie in each other's arms -
our only truth in the world.
you comb your hand through my hair...
you lie to me, saying, "everything will be alright,"
and i believe you every time.

i look forward to nothing more
than bear-hugging you low around your waist,
and you tracing the ridges of my back with your lips
while you death-grip my hand in yours.

we'll dine here and there and everywhere,
looking at each other like we're the only two people left in a world no longer cruel.
and you'll constantly remind me,"i am yours and you are mine."
and once again...

once again... everything will be fine.

parted, napsack full of fears.
again, where was 'begun'?
this labyrinth full of mirrors
has twisted all the fun.

i try again to find my way,
instead only i see myself:
a child - no games left to play
a bard - no tales left to tell.

if i scream, an echo's 'round.
nowhere are ears to lend,
wide'ning to my siren sound -
to me, my only friend.

so we grow old, sighed by side,
my voice strangled, wrung.
this carousel, the only ride.
there's nowhere left to run.

This coal I've held too long
Call it the siren's song
My palm grows stronger, calloused
My heart is filled with malice

'To err' is human
To forgive, divine'
To rage is too, then
Too porous, in time

All thoughts lead to violence
Stalled spots read it, silenced

Where does this energy go?
Faired, spuds of a moss that grows.
A virus that leads only in time,
Escaping only heeds of mine.

i'm lost again
trying to recover the pieces of myself
this room brings to remem'brance
i've tried to hide but i've only managed to pelt

all answers lead to nowhere
and i'm somehow worse-for-wear
the questions that got me here
perhaps, i never should have asked

these sides i show to no one
this nakedness - a sin
when there's nowhere left to run
these four walls swallow me within

i can't recall your portrait
but i'll never forget the feelings you inspired

my tornado shelter in the middle of the storm,
keeping me grounded while the sirens scream

my daily PRN for a diagnosis of loneliness,
easing the pressure of life's trials,
bubble-wrapping my heart and mind

my extra blanket in the depth of winter,
giving me warmth when the furnace died...

... died like our love did

melting, as all the parts of me
that make me human
die a slow and torturous death.
"no one is coming to save me."
and somehow,
that has to be okay.

my mental stability is whitewater rafting.
drifting along this everlasting
river of de ja vu, my sanity
crashes against the rocks,
splashing in strings and fragments
that i once called thoughts.
this ****** little beige boat of mine
wasn't built for travel like this.

i sledded down the slippery *****.
i shedded downs and tripped through my nose.
i netted frowns and flipped them, they rose.
regretted grounds and clipped them, awoke.

and then...
i'm...

blue like the pills that make me
rise from the dead.
hues gripe the deals that break the
highs from the dread.
flew, kite, the wheels had staked my
mind from my bed

and then...
i...

crash and burn like the Challenger,
thrash and turn like a gallon churned,
cash out, earn spikes my melon's slurred,
past loud, learn rites, i'm felling words

and now...
why...?

over. the fog has cleared.
the sky still grey, revered.
my mind is frayed. in tears
i lie awake. the fears
return to stay. my gears
all turn, in play. the years
won't burn, they'll pave what's near
and earn the brave. i'm clear.
i'm... sober. saved.

your warmth like a blanket
gripping like an anklet
i held you tight in my arms,
too loose in my grasp

your smile like a spanglet
i crack your ears to see it
eyes dark like the lights
when we lay next to each other

your heart like a home
with a familiar scent
- a flower of love in our garden -
and the comfort of a family

your break like an iceberg,
you held too little above
and so much below,
sinking my ship of hope
in the idea of love

"it was an honor being your partner."
yours, too, Bug.
Love, forever in my heart,
-The Sour, Patched Kid

water the plants
first the dying
then the healthy
but you've forgotten
which one is which
or just haven't paid attention
so the dying
wilts away
leaves turn to a frown
as green turns to brown
you smile away
at your green succulent
as the other fades to mold

Hey, old friend.
I never thought we'd actually speak again...
All of our conversations abruptly ended
after a sentence or two...
Where have you been?
I've searched for you everywhere...
Low and high...
Especially high.
I never thought we'd meet again...
It's great to have you back, Me.
I'm glad we're back.

You said I spoke poetry
And your mind was as sharp as all your thorns
But I'll wear a suit of armor
As I hold you close in memory

Love, your friend always,
-The Sour, Patched Kid

To think so differently that you fail to relate to most people
To feel so alienated because your emotional palette is so diverse that it has to be supported with reinforced scaffolding
To be so strange that absolutely no one understands your suffering

Nobody ever told me that in such genius there was such loneliness.

i haven't held on to a single memory of you
not a fight or a session of love making
i try to recall the person i loved
what was your laugh like?
what made you cry?
and i can
hardly even picture your face
not a wrinkle or freckle in place
i've forgotten the animosities along with what seemed to be only fantasies
remind me who you are...?
how does that voice sound?
the one that sang along to the melody of my mind
i can't remember the last two years of my life
but i'm sure it will all return
atom by atom
at the most inconvenient moments
such as
during a date with my new love
or during a depressive episode
or when my heart is broken next

our time traveling hearts
don't recognize the hours as they slip by us
like the wind while we hide in this
little home we built called "love"

Love, your friend forever,
- the sour patched kid

a hue deepening from the baby blue
of the desperate sky to the midnight
blue of the harrowing ocean floor

i had forgotten what it felt like
to sink into the opaque depths
of despair and drown as my deep
sea monsters watched and laughed

even with my feet touching the
ocean's core, i still can't tell
which way is up

If you would just
Set aside your pride for a few minutes
And do a few clicks or taps to reach me...
I'm only several fingertips away.

games are played, activities
to pass the time

games are played with hands
and often the mind

games are played, your band
shouldn't knock the rhythm of mine

games were played, your sands
are lost in the depths of time

Cutting you off is like

never consuming sugar again
because you're as sweet as they come
quitting drugs and alcohol
because your love leaves me intoxicated
getting off my meds
because you stabilize me
pulling out an IV
because you hydrate my soul
pulling the plug on my life support
because I could live from you

Toxic masculinity is
I'm going to cheat
Instead of expressing my insecurities

Toxic masculinity is
I'm going to hit you
Instead of raising my voice from time to time

Toxic masculinity is
I'm going to **** myself
Before I let you see me cry in front of you

So I apologize
For being insecure
For raising my voice
For crying

But this is the emotion you've been dying to see in a man.

I'm sorry you're not used to it...

Green

Yeah, I felt green around you.
Young. New. Go.
Get the hell away from me...
No, please stay.
I'm free to accelerate.

Yellow

Yeah, I felt yellow around you.
Energetic. Happy. Caution.
I need to pump my brakes.
No, I can make it.
**** it, I'm falling in love.

Red

****... I feel red around you.
Wait. Stop. Danger.
I can't keep doing this to myself.
Will you stop doing this to me?
Or can you love me like I love?

Your energies change like a stoplight,
and sometimes I want to open my door
and run into the middle of traffic.

winters used to come and go
now all's draped in sheets of snow
trailing wherever the wind blows
clutching tight all of my woes
where's my way with most doors closed
trapped in a maze, seeing ghosts
phantom limbs and phantom whims
can't turn to books, songs, or hymns
switching to a diff'rent dose
hoping, to death, I come close
i can't ever tell friend from foe
guess I'll have to go alone

we walk in darkness,
faintly but agile,
dodging puddles
and strangers
whose gaze is uncomfortable

we play games
with ourselves
that we just can't win.
we try to bend the rules
but instead just bend ourselves.

we lose ourselves in art:
the only thing that's real.
because the connections we make
are hurried and fake.
affection is *** appeal.

we inquire and murmur
hoping the other has an answer
to our questions of self doubt.
we jump off the bridges we build,
and hope they burn with our regrets.

we search for souls
replete with love,
knowing **** well
love is an empty concept
to all the broken people

we both see red,
but my red isn't your red,
and the doctors tell me there is no "red" at all.

i'm counting the days.
my numbers make them numbered,
and i'm just growing number.

i'm calling on the angels
to have faith in something more than memories.
suffering from loss because i remember "me"

the end isn't far.
i can't tell "end" from "END",
but right now i would settle for either.

i've tried
to find
the light
flick'ring
it leads
again
nowhere
wond'ring
where does
this end
do i
create
the end
the search
to be
happy
is so
pointless
to me
because
it fades
to coal
we work
for cash
to pay
bills and
take pills
matter
is all
that does
matter
but to
me it
doesn't
matter
at all
i have
no faith
in gods
or gems
no joy
in tales
or hymns
there is
no love
to be
felt here
like a
dog I
only
see in
shades of
grey now
no high
is worth
the climb
no words
are worth
the rhyme
i will
soon be
saying
goodbye
for the
last time

wait for the best day.

the best day
to
**** yourself
is
your birthday
because your
loved ones
will only be forced to think about
your suicide
once per year

(your birthday comes.

you eat cake and smile.
you drink, dance, and forget you're suicidal.
you wake up the next morning
back in the suicidal mindset
but knowing you have to wait
364 days.

you wait 364 days.)

repeat until death by natural causes

Home was wherever you were
Now home lies on treasure maps
"Ex" marks the spot
So I travel and I dig
but all I dig up is rot
Home is still a treasure
I've just lost the key

Walls.
Someone or something hurts, and then walls.
Everywhere.
But
So towers tall the ground around you
When
You're at the bottom of a hole.
Heaving
Higher or digging depths, it's all the same.
Unless
You build beneath you.

I sparked a cigarette and painted my faults with gasoline.
I steadied my limbs and summoned the guillotine.
Never had I pondered that love was so subtle.
Never had I wandered so far from rebuttal.
It's funny how feelings themselves whimper when they're so animated.
Had I known any better I would have stayed for sedation.
Tell me something that echoes so profound.
Tell me something that forever makes a sound.

Prayers balance my regrets
All I've forgiven
I've not done yet

Tomorrow looms
Its shadow casts a spell
Where it leads I cannot tell

Love is change
Change is to be lost
Adventure comes with a cost

Some have asked
Will you ever stop writing
I tell them
I will stop writing
When I have captured her
In words
Imagery
Similes
Magic threes

I will stop writing
When I have captured her
In the perfect poem

I rinse the cups
In case
They're lined
With poison

But I pop the vitamins
And leave my supplements
Under the drug cabinet
When my ambition is suitable

The tap water tastes funny
And the food never goes down
Quite right

My sleep is like my relationships:
Seldom deep and only existent
Because of normalcy

Judge my facade
Acting is easy
Madness is difficult though honest
I am simply mad.

I wanted a broken heart
Because many hearts were broken
And to be like many was "to be like..." -
Relating was a cosy thought

It was like that cool dime-sized scar on your elbow that you could show your friends to brag about your adventure
But instead of a healing arm you have a philosophy that needs to heal
This knotted idea, constructs tangled like a pair of earbud headphones you left in that near-useless right front 'pocketception'
And it will require patience
Patience and nimble fingers
That will someday hopefully be used to pluck a guitar to the soundtrack of your soul

I wanted to cut my heart
So I could craft it into a diamond
Refracting all the shades of pain the world has to offer, all the hues of hurt
Shades and hues that paint a portrait of my experiences
Sad indigos, angry crimsons, ***** onyx

I wanted jagged edges
That resembled a ninja star
That had been thrown in a wood chipper
Whose cuts were familiar to many
Whose veins were identical to none
I'd like to think the same pain flows through my veins
As that that flows through someone's

I wrote
Better poetry
When you were
Chewing on my heart
Like a dog chews a bone
Sharpening its teeth

wind, water, and rhyme
brushed away the sands of time
like golden hair - fine
out of a lover's blue eyes

revealing glimpses
into the past
little chocolate heart-sized samples of a
lost civilization swallowed like pride

wonder struck and sowed a seed of curiosity
like one who just discovered knowledge
and the depth of its beauty
desiring to seek that forbidden fruit
knowing well what trap lies there

its beauty, divine and sparkling
a silver crown encrusted with sapphires
that begs one to look further
dig for all the treasure beneath

its beauty: but also worn and dull
like an over-washed, one-size-too-large t-shirt
not highlighting assets
instead drowning them in an ocean of grey

its beauty: where sweetness raffles
like eating trail mix
and its bitterness is cold, black coffee
some crowns are stained with impatience

brush a little more delicately
around the fragile artifacts
never digging too deep
for fear of fumbling it all

uncov'ring these time capsules
conditioned as they were
preserved by memory lapses
laps in a labyrinth

why do we seek
buried, ancient artifacts
instead of building new ones
with the plant that knowledge became?

why do we bury deep
our prized possessions
like a dog buries a bone?
- to dig them up later

pick me apart
like one of your spongy, sparkly, buds
put me out
like a cigarette in your
ash tray soul
stir with me your second favorite poison
Regret me the day after
And swear this swine you'll quit
The next Monday you remember

A guttural hatred
dwindles
dwells
digs further

i plucked the hair
but left the follicle,
sealed the surface
of a hollow, "Full."

i always move the ***
before it boils over
but i am not so sure
that i will keep my clover

perhaps it's not just luck
perhaps in fact it's skill
perhaps it's glass and rust
in the throne sits my will

it doesn't matter the quality of the day
letting it fade out was one of my favorite past times
staying awake doing nothing
until your mind and body slipped into that foggy state
and it felt like seeing the world through
amber sunglasses

unwritten novel in my mind
autobiography of my much-sought-after
deep slumber
the ****** mystery of my sense of
purpose
and not a pen in sight

i am my father's lost cause

to lose something one must first be in possession of it

to possess something one must be able to afford it

how can one afford what one does not know the value of?

how can one afford someone whose values they do not know?

Relief is not
Too far from here
Tell me I'm not
Destined for years
Wasting my time
In all I've seen
Somehow losing sight
Of what strength means
The black 'mongst white
What must I give
To keep my might
So cheerful but grim

The day has come where I am no longer
looking back at the sunsets behind me,
but to sunrises beyond, in wonder.
A smile ruptures across my face
like pavement fracturing from an earthquake,
and a hearty laugh bursts from my depths
with the pent-up force of a geyser.

And my world is shaken like a snow globe,
redistributing the beauty all around.
Sometimes falling can be delightful  -
like watching a violet and amber dusk.
Beauty always lies in contrast: rise and fall.
The sunrise is where tomorrow holds my lust.

i live for this moment
this
melting together of souls
that feels
how white noise sounds

we can cast our thoughts and feelings
into this ocean with ease

infinity is so serene

the undefined has no end.

he writes limericks.
and happy poems.
and even jokes.

i don't think I like him.

so I tracked him down.
used his username
to find his real name
and found his address

i walked up to his front door
on a dreary, Tuesday evening
knocked thrice
just to ask him why.

i asked him why he wrote
limericks, bright poems, and jokes.

"to pretend I'm not sad."

plumped down in the shrieking worn chair
pulled my hunk of life-****
  out of my pocket
brewed up a ****** poem with my thumbs

i've traded informative book reading for
  'dank memes'

i need to get lost in a dank library for a
  while
away from all the life-****

i've come to learn
that they
become numb to
my cries
so often that they've
become deaf to
my whimpers

and i've
become hoarse from
my shouts
so often that i
become mute from
my whispers

after all
what can they do
to help
after
they've tried ev'rything?

after all
what can i do
to tell
after
i've tried ev'rything?

try some more

try.

pour your heart out
like the last 'fifth'
you've had too much
where's home from this?

I am just as evil as you are.
That damming claws at my ev'ry choice,
but steadily I will hold the bar
and 'member my inner sound, my voice.

The call rings. I answer with virtue,
recalling reasons not to hurt you.
You spout your hate and project your pain;
pain - that chorus I will not refrain.

Sometimes I wince and curse the earth
and others I rinse and find rebirth.
Sometimes I lie the dead night awake
to try to burn before daylight breaks.

The saga lives, I'm tired of its tail.
I'm using all my strength to prevail.
The serpent slowly slithers around,
but again I bring the giant down.