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1.1k · Mar 2017
My Gender is Up Here
Benjamin A S Mar 2017
‘Are you a boy or a girl?’
They shout down the corridor in a chorus behind me
Like the cries of “Good morning, Miss” in assembly
The patronising tone
in sleep deprived confusion
Droning throughout the halls
ringing around ‘she’.
    
Going to lessons is the scariest thing
Head down, walking fast hoping
they’ll never say anything
Hoping no one will question you
Glance around and notice you
not daring to look up
in case you make a wrong move.
    
You can’t know what it’s like to be
in a room all alone,
in a house that is not your own;
'Your body is a temple’ they said.
But they don’t tell you how to treat it
if it’s right in your head
but wrong in your skin,
and that feeling
of being and existing
is like dealing
with a thousand anxieties
suffocating within;
Chest too obvious
voice too loud and feminine
not enough to be ‘gentleman’.

'Why does this bother you?'
I hear you enquire,
it's because society’s construct
of gender is too based on attire,
an old fashioned concept-
Telling your children
that 'blue's for boys'
'pink's for girls'.

'Is it really?' I say.
Gender is not just binary
it fluxes and changes,
just like any scientific theory;
Einstein for instance,
didn’t come up with special relativity
in a night!
It took years of work
until he was right

Let this apply for gender too:
not just black
and white it's not as
clear cut as that
this is black and this is white
Evolve the theory
from system to spectrum
of freedom and pride
to reside in one's body happily:
Humanity allied.

This is what I dream about,
but it is not what
I've been living throughout,
in our world of shame;
where we are reduced to words and themes.
Driving my community,
those who love and support me,
to thoughts of suicide.
Being known
only when they're reduced
to rags and bones,
dead bodies
hanging
from their hashtags
thrown in the corner
another into the pile of disorder...

But people think it’s okay
to come up to you
abuse you in the street.
Knocked to your knees
to cries of 'queer'-
you end up living in fear-
'well, what do you expect given
who's watching Wall Street?'

Yet I stand here
talking to you
a queer boy-
with all connotations of the word-
a queer boy with a voice.
Look at me!
My chest,
My unbroken voice,
My broken mind.
I am not proud of what I am,
what I’ve become and
how much it hurts
is indescribable to you.
I am not what you want me to be.
I am a man.
Not trans.
550 · Jul 2017
Look Up
Benjamin A S Jul 2017
A name on a form
speaks in front of you.
Focus on that
not the box they tick
when asked to pick
a side
when they don't quite fit
in either.
i had an interview today and we spent more time discussing my gender than my academic ability
239 · Apr 2017
Trich Tock Trich
Benjamin A S Apr 2017
Lost control...
Urges like
pins and needles
pierce and numb
First finger and thumb
move with misplaced
        enthusiasm
Written on 07/04/2017
206 · Jul 2017
voiceless
Benjamin A S Jul 2017
Shall I speak in your voice?
Shall I speak,
to make it easier for you
to have you understand
what it's like
not to have a voice
at all?
164 · May 2017
Generation to Generation
Benjamin A S May 2017
'We are history
in the making.'
Making decisions
Leaving the classroom-
running to the fields-
only to discover
the dying corn.

— The End —