ive drafted what i want to say hundreds of times
the words never sound right
they don’t fit right in my mouth
constantly struggling to form the right shapes
speak the right sounds
there are no words that mean what i want to say
hundreds of thousands ricochet around
inside of my juvenile, impressionable mind

i know you’re not good for me and i constantly
try to tell myself that things don’t go as planned
but i peel at scabs and bite my lip and try to
make myself feel anything at all

constant waves of dread float over my body
covering my head, preventing me from breathing
in an ocean of disappointment and anxiety
i am struggling to stay afloat and you are safe
inside a floating sanctuary
asking me why i won’t help you

the sun doesn’t shine as bright and
people don’t talk as loud and
i can’t stand on my own two feet without
needing to be braced
but recovery takes time and
im doing what i can
learning from my mistakes
and i think that everything will
get better.

If i could
i would take that smile
and inject it directly
into my bloodstream

my parents warned me
about drugs in baggies
sold on the street

but never the ones
with teeth
and a heartbeat

im not afraid
of breaking anymore
im just scared
that i wont be able
to put the pieces
back together
all by myself

again

you said your most defining term is forgettable
thats not true
becuase i just cant seem to get you
out
of
my
mind

i dont know you
yet you plague my thoughts
i turn a corner
and i hope to see your face
i get dissappointed
when its a different stranger
and all i want to know is

how do you miss someone
youve never met

I wish i could lie in bed to smoke, and
pretend that all the bad feelings
are floating away with the grey cloud
evaporating into the air along with the other
things i shouldnt worry about

One night you let me borrow your sweater and i still feel it on me and i still smell your scent and i think i melted and the remnents are still trying to put themselves together

I want to be the 2:34 AM
that knows your secrets
but still returns every night
I want to be the rain
that kisses your window
and tries to calm you
when youre trying to pick
yourself up
from the cold hard floor
i want to be the mokn
that shows you hope when
the night seems to be darker
than ever before

your eyes hold the stars
and your smile holds the moon
youre a galaxy
and i want to be an astronaut