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Mar 2018 · 422
Title- untitled
Ben Fernekees Mar 2018
I tried to talk to you the other day, you
        seemed distant and mind astray, so I
        faded away.

Falling into a space, a place, where I have no
        face, no way to mask what's inside.
Everything building and burning, trashing a
        churning.
Emptiness of everything thatempowers the
        truth of all I hide.
Love that has been lost and left behind in the
       darkness.

All is forced out to see, unable to replace my
       mask and hide all I know.
Losing my sense of being, just a feeling, but
       one that fades fast.
Opening up, isnt as good as they say, when
       your secrets are disected from your mind
Nothing to stop it, no one to care.
Everything to lose.
Just spitting out thoughts..
Nov 2017 · 501
Speak Up
Ben Fernekees Nov 2017
"What's wrong?" She asks. Spoken simply, for its a simple thing to say. I didn't get much sleep last night. My brain was putting up a fight. Tossing and turning for hours on end, pretending to be unaware of the sun peaking over the horizon.

I haven't had much of an appetite. Sure I attempt to eat what I'm able, but it never sits well. I may ***** it up but time will tell.

My thoughts move too fast, sometimes I forget when to laugh. It's hard to know how much is real cuz everyone thinks it's an act. But it's real, everything I feel in my head and my heart, and the whispers and the shouts, reality fading and freaking me out.

I don't think I can cope with all of my madness, i lay gasping for breath, with feelings of death clutching my chest. I'm not sure how much time I have left.

I haven't left my room in a week, my body feels weak, I can barely stand on my feet. Maybe it's from too little to eat or not enough sleep. Sometimes I will my heart not to beat. So many thoughts fill up my head that I realize I forgot to speak.
"Nothing, I'm fine" I manage the squeak.
Nov 2017 · 257
Drag Me Into The Dark
Ben Fernekees Nov 2017
Today he came again, seeping into my thoughts.
He says he is my friend, but always shuts off the lights.

He lives in the darkness, wears it as a cloak that trails behind him.
Visiting when I'm alone. Breaking into my home.

A demon in every right, but a voice so soothing, all I wish to do is lay in bed.

He sings me to sleep as I keep falling deeper into a dream of black. A dream slowly becoming reality.

His voice paints my walls, and my skin and my heart, all dark.

As the color leaves my face and my skin turns cold, he smiles, knowing he is no longer alone in the shadows.
Nov 2017 · 308
Another Break
Ben Fernekees Nov 2017
Darkened by love's light dying.
Withered by the storms in my head.
Feelings of what is no longer the same.
Memories of a time before blame.

A crater of blank space filling my chest.
Where thoughts trying to become words die.

Understanding became a foreign language.
Our eyes never meeting, and our laughter fading.
Differences put us at a disadvantage.
Our hearts never syncing, what was may be lost.
Oct 2016 · 1.4k
Mental Illness
Ben Fernekees Oct 2016
My depression tells me I'm not wanted
My ADHD tells me to go find someone who will want me because sitting here won't change anything
My anxiety tells me to hide from anyone who might want to talk to me
While my bi polar argues about if it's worth talking to anyone or not
My psychosis tells me that everyone I could need is in my mind
While showing me things I don't want to see
How do you find your point in life
When your head keeps telling you otherwise?
Jul 2016 · 693
Red Ink
Ben Fernekees Jul 2016
I scream into this piece of paper,
Vomiting up ink that seeps in,
But no one hears the pain of the silenced,

You just see the words and thoughts,
Not noticing a lot,
Notice nothing as I drain my veins,
Notice nothing of my writing in red

But I write to you again,
Hoping you can feel the pain behind the words,
Hoping someone would bleed for me,
For I am all but bled dry;
Jul 2016 · 905
Today I die, again.
Ben Fernekees Jul 2016
Woke up,
Tripped down,
Scrapped my knee on the way to the ground,

No trace of blood,
No trace of blood,

Another victim of the dark,
Scared to walk into the light,
Scared to put down the knife,
Scared to know he was never right,

No trace of blood,
No trace of blood,

The night before? Hiding.
The day before? Running.
The week before? Crying.
The month before? Shaking.

No trace of blood,
No trace of blood,

Too many words in one head,
Too many thoughts driving to madness
Filling up and emptying away,
Unable to escape as the fire consumes,

No trace of blood,
No trace of blood,

One last day before the darkness,
Nothing more noticeable then the silence of voices,
All awaiting what's next,
All watching, as I lay in the pool that gathers.

No trace of blood,
No trace...
Mar 2016 · 1.1k
Day Drinking
Ben Fernekees Mar 2016
Drink all day
Maybe then the bad taste of life will go away
Maybe you'll see that no one stays
Maybe it was all worthless at the end of the day
Jan 2016 · 1.6k
blue skies/happy lives
Ben Fernekees Jan 2016
todays the day that i watched you
walk away, as I died in my room,
I closed the shades and fell asleep,
and while I slept I dreamt,

I saw how skies could be blue
and realized the sky was you,
clouds drifting, birds dancing,
winds shifting, tranquility ending.

I find it strange how fast things change
for once it rains it’s never the same
but life goes on at the end of the song
I just hope my skies are blue

I watched the clouds grow over head,
I pled and said oh my,
the blue skies have gone away
just as the ground became dry,

The rain begins as I get drenched
and when I clenched my fists,
I got devoured by a mist,
that twists the mind for all of time

tho my mind was already broken
all that was spoken was washed from my ears,
and dear, it isn’t an easy fear
for your heart to not be able to hear,

when your heart can’t hear and the mind is blind
it’s hard to find meaning inside
yourself, making it hard to trust
the one you must, yourself

I find it strange how fast things change
for once it rains it’s never the same
but life goes on at the end of the song
I just hope my skies are blue

I felt the cold of the rain,
accepted the hold of the pain,
took the toll of shame,
and forgave all the blame,

I wake from the dream with skies clear
and realize all that I hold dear,
now that my days finally begun,
I look out and see the sun

I find it strange how fast things change
for once it rains it’s never the same
but life goes on at the end of the song
I just hope my skies are blue
Dec 2015 · 264
All alone
Ben Fernekees Dec 2015
Alone
One word that haunts so many
Crushes dreams of plenty
Makes us spend every penny

It's the word that makes us go mad
Staying up all night being so sad
Wishing for the things we had

It's the one thing that's way to real
And that way too many feel
Waiting for that one person to heal
Ben Fernekees Apr 2012
im sick,
burn my wick,
so that it will end,
then we can pretend,
that i was never really here,
and no one will try and hold me dear,
because the pain is far to much to take,
and its adventually going to make me break,
this is all far to much for one man to hold alone,
i think its going to adventually rip right down to the bone,
so take me far away from the place called home that i hate,
because the wick is all burned up and everything is far too late
Mar 2012 · 1.8k
Demons Belong In Hell
Ben Fernekees Mar 2012
who is it in the mirror that i see,
the one staring back at me?
the monster

who is the one inside my mind,
controling my movements at all times?
the demon

whats left of the lost ones soul,
the one who got left in the deep hole?
the darkness

where do you go when no ones left,
when everyone decided you were a waste of breath?
**hell
Feb 2012 · 580
Feel It
Ben Fernekees Feb 2012
feel the lie
feel the hunger
feel the truth
thats gone away

tell a lie
to fill your hunger
as the truth
falls away
Jan 2012 · 1.8k
Masquerade
Ben Fernekees Jan 2012
The party has begun
and the faces are covered
the mask hiding truth
and eyes showing reality

those unknown circle together
as the music continues
and strangers mingle
under false references

yet there is one without a mask
the truth open for all to see
nothing to hide
and eryone stares

this man who is different
he is not accepted
those who are hidden rebel
and the one who shows the truth is lost
Jan 2012 · 904
Invisible
Ben Fernekees Jan 2012
i remember there was i time where i ment nothing,
just like the people that saw me bluffing
nothing mattered
nothing would change
everything seemed usless in my ****** up brain

then finally life took a turn for the better
and i was always the one in the center
i was loved
and people cared
but then i fell back down the stairs

again i was the one that no one could see
the person that im really ment to be, everything lost
my cards on the floor
no one to notice if i walk out the door
Dec 2011 · 952
Among The Unknown
Ben Fernekees Dec 2011
i sit alone
the empty room
dark and deserted
no one to see
no one to hear
all is lost
nothing is to be found

my only friend
my thoughts
but what i truley fear
is all thats to be said
by the mind left alone

a noise is heard
the next room another is found
sitting alone
just like i
scared of the darkness

i realize im not alone
for all those who are the same
we are together
we are one
we are **Among the Unknown
Ben Fernekees Dec 2011
I feel the love that burns in my heart
but the hatred has been there from the start
slowly burning away my soul
turning it into the darkest of holes

holding you close by the burning fire
opens up the gateway to desire
and the anger that thrashes inside my eyes
shows the truth of whats inside

thinking that this is all ment to be,
not seeing the lies of whats really to see,
the demon inside that breaks away
steals all the love inside me today,

the lies growing into truth
taking away all of my youth,
it all happens quickly without making a sound
for where there is love, hate can be found
Ben Fernekees Dec 2011
you think you can throw your life away
without caring what others have to say,
dont take your final breath
because your all that i have left,

you take the last supper way to far
for thats the reason that i have these scars,
im begging you to open your eyes today
and at least see that i can be a reason to stay,

dont pretend like you dont know
that this isnt how it should go,
because i cant live with that as the truth
and the fires burning to the end of the fuse..
Ben Fernekees Dec 2011
nightmares turn to truth
scars become reality
memories are reborn

a quick flash of a blade
stumbles away
blocking by the mind

truth shows itself
scars turn to wounds
time is reversed

red rubbies drip again
the mind is open
life is revealed
Dec 2011 · 977
Revenge In The Darkest Ways
Ben Fernekees Dec 2011
Waiting in the park
A quiet night
Revenge will be carried out

"Good evening, Doctor,"
Grief took hold,
I extract my gun,

The shot rang out,
Water turned red,
The deed was done,

I saw my gun,
I pulled the trigger,
"See you soon, my love."
Nov 2011 · 1.3k
As The Light Fades Away
Ben Fernekees Nov 2011
i cant even try
now that you've bled me dry
so i can no longer move on
from everything thats gone

the sharp knife in my hand
to make the final stand
and take away all the pain
that falls in the rain

show the demons that have come
that im ready for my final song
when the words no longer make a rhyme
and stand still this final time

how can you see my fate
when you cant stop your own
cuz its in this final state
that i am left alone

now that i see the light
for the final time
i finally lose my sight
unable to shine
Nov 2011 · 798
Show Up Or Walk Away
Ben Fernekees Nov 2011
Life flashes through your very eyes,
when all thats left is pain inside,
so i close the door the last time today,
and leave this town, walking away,

when all youve ever done is lie,
how can i tell whats real inside,
as you constantly hide the truth,
as it drains out my youth,

i can see that it will never change,
for things have never felt so strange,
as i walk to the darkness with head held high,
and all i can do is close my eyes
Nov 2011 · 756
Memory
Ben Fernekees Nov 2011
you tell me to let you know when i care,
but your the one who always glares,
you think yout the only one that sees,
that we aren't really ment to be,

stop lying to me and lying to yourself,
because your pictures no longer on my shelf
or my phone no matter how much you mean to me
I just wish I could erase you from memory
Ben Fernekees Nov 2011
how can you breath with no air
when life is only despair
all i can feel is the pain
and it matches all the shame

the blood dripping away
as i cut through my veins
without the voice of reason
and no changes of the season

how can you rip me apart
when all i get is the start

just bring me away
from the **** that has stayed
and the lives that arn't free
just aren't ment to be

the shame thats washing me away
stops hope from coming to stay
and i can no longer feel
anything that is real

all that you say is lies
as you rip out everything inside
and life is going dark
so why not just shoot the mark

how can you rip me apart
when all I get is the start
and my life is going down
so i can no longer turn this around

just bring me away
from the **** that has stayed
and the lives that arnt free
just arnt ment to be

im done with all this **** you bring
and im finally sick of all these things
all you do is turn me away
and yet you expect me to stay

— The End —