my muse sinks to five times filtered depths
that twist lemon, orange, sugar rimmed
five times distilled,
filtered depths
that fill half empty
                                 gin blossoms
                                 dry on ice
                                 shaken not stirred
                                 bruised, black eye
                                 ****** smile
seductively pouring from throat
through keeping thoughts straight
burning time will keep my heart from freezing
standing still while
words escape
me.

waiting can cause panic
as sure as any fire in the room
while breathing becomes shallow
too little liquid courage
to drown my doubts
left in the puddles that gather
in the cracks of the sidewalks
                                                         - crossing paths
lead to the crumbling wall
that was once impenetrable
that still my heart calls home
my once beating, never ceasing
existence, a fire, a flame, a spark
left to burn down to ashes
a gutted ruin caused by worry
that reigned (rained?) from the sky

a world of color blanketed now
in all the shades of grey
a twilight where i may never
sleep, yet never wake
just race the thoughts that run
circles and circles and circles
in my head as the minutes tick by

i thought i was stronger than this
i told myself that i would not fall
and yet how the best laid plans
of mice and men fly to the wind
at the chance of love, the greatest
walls crumble at the chance to belong
and the very essence of my soul
strains at bonds, slips free
and sings to the sun of its hope

hopeless i am
lost in the ocean
emotion overflows
and yet i sit in my sinking ship
and refuse to feel, fail, and feel again

i refuse to sleep because
losing my mind
is better than seeing him in
my dreams
and the way you whisper
his name
will forever haunt me
lie to my face
and **** me slowly

i hate myself as much as i love you
he said
how much do you love me*
she said



..a lot

focus needle sharp and glowing
piercing the rare white winter calm
of my mind at rest
like a ray of too bright to see sunlight
too hot to do anything but set
the edges of conscious thought ablaze
where they blacken and burn fast
curling inwards with steady flames
roiling over ashen fingers grasping at
the long forgotten Morpheus's throat
prying wide the sleeping god's eyes
fastened open by Prometheus's chains
Hades, Tartarus, eternal penance,
for bringing inspiration into this
dark human world
the price I paid in sleep for grades

calm and collect my thoughts
ethereal smoke twists upwards
indecipherable spirals winding
their way towards the moon
temporary existence
fleeting memories
my fingers grasp and hold nothing
a silly gesture - acted out
more so in a symbolic way
the ticking clock provides a
backdrop to this satisfied silence
as i take stock of my body
and file away the sensation
of skin on skin and desperate
moans for more
a midnight tryst held close
to my heart that's beating its
way out of my body and
finding its way into yours
with limited time to live this life
embrace it head on and hold me close
tell this dream to last forever
for a moment this special made real
could only be a fragment of
a sleeping mind
i never want to wake up
if time were to stop i'd be happy
knowing that this finite strand
of fine gold thread held high
by fate was made to last more
than the thin tendril of white
sighed out - brushed past my lips and into yours

A girl named Autumn
reflected on the river floor
or is she drowning?
water or wind blows
her hair flows around
her rose red lips
as pale hands move
reach for the reflection
or grasp for air?

life, like war, can seem
chaotic to say the least
yet, my dog still sleeps

I...
     think...
                 I...
                      like...
                              
crazily chasing concocted crushes
however hasty high hopes
earnestly entangled erstwhile enthusiasm
left languishing limp lethargic
suddenly soundless stupidly selfish
every emotion enviously expectant
an abject apology absent

purposeful pleasure purportedly posed
unearthed unhealthy ungainly uncertainties
devouring devotion disgracing dogma
an accident awaiting arrival

girlie you've a lot
to learn in these coming days
let me hold your hand

living like goldfish, you do not understand that you can stop swimming

a fresh poem a day
                                 keeps the doctor away.


right?

Paint my sunset bright with brushstrokes from your lips
Don't leave me with nothing but a memory of this
An Artist's touch is what we need
Girl you said you'd never leave
So hold me close cause it's just so **** cold
Open your eyes and look to the sky
What's happened is over we said our goodbyes

Put the down the pencil you didn't even try
We took all our chances and had our last night
Open your eyes and look to the sky
What's happened is over we said our goodbyes

Color in the pages of the stories of our lives
Reds and blues just like the bruise you gave my heart that night
Cut my face out of the picture
Sloppy now you're cutting quicker creating you're own world to the tune of an artists lullaby

Open your eyes and look to the sky
What's happened is over we said our goodbyes
Put down the pencil you didn't even try
We took all our chances and had our last night
Open your eyes and look to the sky
What's happened is over we said our goodbyes


I'm looking up at the stars in the sky
They remind me of the gleam in your eyes
And the way your smile shined
Oh I wish you were mine

Broken now with colors gone
The world is gray it's said and done
Erase your mistakes and go with the break
Cleaning up the lies you spilled and messes that you make

i read books in my
shower to combat fleeting
boredom - game of thrones

where is the girl for me?
quirky fantasy broken
a piece to the puzzle that doesn't fit
infront of my eyes?
or never to be found
in this sea of humanity
solitude, self inflicted
to the extent that she's not for me
will i always have unrealistic expectations
that will remain unfulfilled
a media dream
product of countless late night stories
to be to exist
in this sphere
where no distance
is far enough away
to stop the ache in my chest
to cease the pounding behind my eyes
a facade
please tear down these cheerful walls
please fill the space between my fingers
please please please please
an empty cry to a nonexistent deity
is it my fate to be alone
no answer on the blowing wind
"silence"

as i do another line
i can't help but picture
all the nights that i spent
up with my eyes wide shut
and i know that you're in his arms
tonight and you couldn't even
lie to me about the truth
tonight i'm going to dance with you
girlie girl you got to watch
what you do cause how many
cigarettes i smoke will never
make me forget your eyes
i spent tonight with molly
while this warmth on my skin
never goes more deep
than the smile on my lips
that never quite reaches
the stars that i told you were
always in our reach
and i'm grasping at straws
while you never spend
the night alone and here i sit
with nothing but my thoughts
and a band playing a catchy tune
i love you dear
and this is my 100th time writing this song
while my heart falls to pieces
in the most tragic of ways
you're all elegance and klonopin
and i'm just a wreck that will
always come back for another
round of pain
you're my high darling
as much as i want to quit
you slip into my veins
and leave with my flesh
and my fingers in my brain
scratch out my memories

a second before a brush with that buzzing needle
and the world stands still for that one perfect moment
my heart beats faster, pupils dilate
and a heady sigh escapes my lips
as ink and blood mingle and mix
to form new shapes brought alive
awash in red and black
chemical release as endorphins flow my mind goes blank not a thought for a penny nor a care for the world
and my soul rests easy with one more
story written out on my skin

imperceptible

                       *twitching

                                      whiskers

Mr. Mouse sighed.

                                      Fallacy!
Mr. Owl cried.

a discrepancy
in my character, forgive
but never forget

pain brought on by an apathetic existence
a desire to taste chaos in the flesh
i ***** my soul, dredged from the depths
as death rises, creaking - a gory deity
from my shattered, broken back
gnashes it's filthy, cracked teeth
this barbed, twisted creature rears it's ugly head
as guttural growls wrench free from a torn
throat - wracked with convulsions, sickeningly
sheds a blood and gristle carapace
reborn into rot, steaming flesh sloughs
from it's face to reveal an impossible amount
of needle-like teeth, stretched into a wicked grin
slowly, like creeping mold, the mouth opens
and regurgitated from it's putrid depths...
...a single beautiful butterfly - spun from the
finest gold, inlaid with the most vibrant precious gems
floating on the whisper of a breeze, it lands
on my empty eyes and begins to feast

I**

smoked a cigarette
to the sight of the sunrise
thought of our time on this
earth and how it flies

by in a big rush
a never stopping stream
leaving us little time
to live, fight for, and dream

of a brand new day
wait. stop. or a year
instead focusing on every
flaw, secret, fear

of living too little
to pick up a cause
commercial causing consumer
to overwhelmed to pause

this hectic game we call
a required rat race
we're to scared to be
afraid of "first place"

to think that maybe
a life full of money
a life full of stress
is not sweet as honey

maybe we're meant for
more than just this
life of working up a ladder
of a meaningless list

maybe we should live
how we want to be
ourselves as our own
rebel, be happy, be free

...

**** the sun's up
i gotta bus i can't miss
another unfortunate piece
in the meaningless list
...still trying to break out
i'm left to do naught but reminisce

that feeling where your stomach sinks
and your body betrays you in your time of need
when glass runs through your veins
and the mirror before you is broken and black
this is when the monsters crawl out from under your bed
and the nightmares you laid to rest haunt your dreams
when she is in everyones arms but mine
and you can see nothing but the future you never had
laughing in your face as you feel like you could crawl out of your skin
finding comfort in the impermanence of the
cigarettes smoke thats dangling from your lips
smoked until the embers are all gone out
how can you feel the sun on your face
when your past enshrouds you in a fog so thick
pulling you back to the places you tried to escape
are you to jaded to love
to hardened to care
apathy
the emptiness of nothing
how have you gotten here
how can you leave
do you want to leave
this feast on your soul
as your mind rots and your future slides
from your fingers and from your bones
looking at all youll never have
a minute
an hour
a day
a lifetime too late
and theres no way to change the present
no way to relive the past
and no way to stop the inexorable march of time to the future
where is the future you never had
why are you hesitating on the bridge, the cliff
the jump
the fall
and the most exhilarating moments of your life
before the end. nothing
there is nothing to be afraid of
coward
*******
labels that mean nothing
only skeletons in the closet hid under the new paint
the false cheer
and the hatred you feel when everything is ok
i want things to be broken
this is how it feels to be alone

we live between the panels in the unfamiliar life
time happening scene to scene with no interlude
no interlude for the weary actor who longs for a respite
a glass of water to clear a parched dry throat
yet the curtain never falls on this comic book scene
the hero never rests and so loses his mind to the constant
never ever ever ever ending stream on conscientious objections
to pursuing the greater good, not for the individual but for the whole
the wolf brings down its prey for the sake of the pack and yet
my teeth bite down on nothing but air, involuntary
the sky calls to those who wish to be free of these intentions
of plots within circles within groups within cliches
truth will set you free to explore the recesses of the darkest mind
but the blue pill will grant you sleep

the sky is hazy
noon air so heavy it sticks
a storm approaches

the dark clouds tower
columns in a cathedral
a foreboding sign

fast roiling sea
suspended above my head
when will the gates burst

illuminated
purple clouds pregnant with rain
the lightning is blue

the wrath of the storm
rips open the violent sky
the ground shakes in fear

sunlight in the storm
lightning divides a dark sun
it rains yet i see

calm are the heavens
such is the passage of time
the eastward wind blows

i dream of the end of the world
the only place i find solitude
time for myself is when
i am getting a tattoo
and bleeding myself dry
with ink in my veins
my life is cracking at the edges
and crumpling at the core
and i am not so sure who i am
while sit in solitude in my basement
and drink myself sober
while i put out a cigarette on my arm
because the smoke in my lungs
isnt killing me fast enough
while my friends do nothing
but make sure i go comfortably
to an early grave
while i remember the backrub you gave me
and how you laid in his arms
while i eat a bag of beef jerky
even though im a vegetarian
and the taste of blood in my mouth
makes me sick to my stomach
yet i keep eating because
something had to die
while i try to write this suicide note
with all the eloquence of a poem
and cry for help in the smallest voice
all the while knowing that
i will just ***** our in the end
and end up with one more scar
of many that are there or not
but they all ghost on my soul
shame
i dream of the end of the world

it's cool summer nights like these
where I roll down the windows
to watch the world pass while
our song plays quiet through the speakers
and, just for a second, with eyes half closed
I can feel your hand in mine
sweet memory of touch
before I refocus and find a car that's empty
and space between my fingers
an ache in my chest and a cold right shoulder

swishcreeeakswisssssssh
it's autumn and the leaves are falling
swishcreeeakswisssssssh
how long will this creaking rope
swishcreeeakswisssssssh
keep my spirit aloft in the tree tops
swishcreeeakswisssssssh
before i too drift to the rotting forest floor
swishcreeeakswisssssssh

Autumn's chill wind plays down my neck
while the ghost of you whispers in my ear
mist in the edge of my eye, never out of sight
flowers at your grave, red roses bleeding
into the gray ground, stone angles mark where you lay
dew drops glisten on their faces like tears unshed
its been a year since i killed you, my love
and still you haunt me, a loving nightmare
buried in the soft earth, your bones pierce my heart
and the smell of vanilla fills me with fear
crimson hands never clean this knife
driven into your back and into my soul
i will be ****** with the memories of you
and those who don't believe in ghosts
...have never been haunted by you

Autumn has never looked so beautiful
with red streams overflowing on to pale white banks
rivulets of summers laughter brought forth
with the gentle kiss of sharp ice from winter's depths
to turn from the brightest crimson to black
empty are the eyes of the sun now darkened
and glassy as the last breath of air rustles
through falling leaves
stirring a lock of raven hair gently
as a blanket of fog descends to obscure
colors made vibrant by life in a never ending sea of grey
i love you whispered tree to tree, the last sound heard
before she falls to dreamless sleep

acid flashback in the trees
         frenzied branches feathered leaves
swaying seizing in the breeze
           forming shapes that his mind sees
scattered thoughts attention free

your breath
                      reminiscent of
                                                  ocean waves
                                                                           lulling me
                  to
                                  sleep

it doesn't seem that i can get high enough
                                                                          or low
to find a reason for b r e a k i n g this cycle
                                                        cycle          cycle
                                                                  cycle
of trying to become drinking buddies with my demons
or unconscious of the fact that i'm slowly letting my passions
                                               die.
i'm empty
on the ins
ide but at
least i loo
k ok.

angelic being -
the god machine incarnate
the truth lies to me.

it's hard to sleep
when i close my eyes
and see you fit to him
the way you fit to me
kissing lips that
tasted once like mine
i hope you choke on
the thought of what
you did and how you did it
and i wished upon
every star i could see
the worst luck in the world
that every car crash
and broken heart
falls in your lap
i've seen more honesty
in... oh never mind
its not like you'll read
my rant where my heart
is open and on my wrist
pulsing red and turning
to black with the sky
an awful wretched grey
im collapsing and can
only sigh to the wind
because i'll smile to your face
and hold you in my arms
even though you still
smell of him darling

i'm in a dangerous state of mind
with no care for living this life
where human emotions are traded
for less than a pack of rubbers
but you didn't even use those
so how much did i truly mean
when the push came to shove
and grinding hips
with moaning lips
that whispered, screamed,
and cried his name
on the night you ****** my heart away
where loyalty takes a literal backseat
to pleasure
and a long term relationship
is laughing stock material
ha ha standup, ain't i funny
to look for something more than this
but i would choke on my own tongue
before i'd speak bad of you
my backstabbing lover
unfaithful friend
i hope to god it he was worth it
the cost was more than just tears
but blood spray on the bathroom mirror
and an empty place where i once
used to love
permanently empty
i can't find the will to care
more than a few half-hearted,
correct that, heartless
obscenities muttered under my breath
with ****** on my mind
a 3:30am fantasy to help dull
the pain that i should be feeling
maybe i'm just a pessimist,
fatalist, cynical, and negative
but my lack of surprise cuts the most
lied to by my mind for those
two months of my life
that i thought i had it all
better to have loved and lost
but even better to **** it all
and just go out with your name on my lips
and your lies in my heart
i hope you think of me when you're with him
that you choke on your tears
plagued with the worst emotions and loss
a better killer than any gun

that puzzle piece of life
we had it all -
cute couple status
days spent in our eyes
nights in our arms
we resonated deep
but now i can't stand
to listen to half my iPod
burned cds sit and wait
while gathering dust
while marlboro blacks
break my heart
i grind my teeth to dust
wish upon a fallen star
that this **** never happened, love

In Spain -
where cheese-making stretches back
to centuries
is a medium sized lump of
Sweet ******* Christ

blessed is the ******
whose womb merited to carry
our small herd of
hand-milked cows
providing milk, cheese, butter, and ice

and to Christians,
the lamb is the symbol of when
the pope and all the christian leadership
will be succeeded by
Moo Jesus

The Good Shepard draws not milk
not liquid from his sheep
but
an overview over Greek pagan
and Christian pastoral deities

then Christ went and
made the exorcism and
he sold in town all his
rriegitha cheese, his curds, his milk

I mentioned that The Green Sheep
had an ad coming out
in the body and blood of Christ
how could the shepherds resist
the temptation?

I was refusing the sacraments
mysticism is cheese
Christ is cheese
better still,
mountains of cheese!

Is your cheese killing the planet?
The Wedding of the Dead:
Celebration and Restraint
Christ stopped at Ebola