one** simple man, the
two of us against the world
three perfect children, or
four if you count our dog
five minutes was more than enough for
six of our friends to say that
seven days a week we'd spend with each other
but that's not enough
eight days is what we want,
cause we float on cloud
nine when we're together, for
ten times our lifetimes combined, or forever
which ever comes first

the moon sits, on the branches of the tree
outside the window of my door
the wind whistles it's normally unheard tune
this is the time for it's solo
the fridge hums and floors creek
and there's a rattle from the lone car thundering by,
at 3am.
my mind races, while other are at rest
a pen in my hand, rather than a pillow under my head
really late turns into really early
my words are now silent, scribbles on paper
every feeling I've ever felt plays like a movie reel in my head,
at 3am.
my never dying love for you is loudest and
your faults are perfections
my once strong will is non-existent, just like
all the ****** up things you've ever done, so
I let myself miss you, and it feels even darker
than the blackest of moonless nights,
at 3am.
If I close my eyes, I can see your face
I smell you in each breath
let my tears drop to the page
don't even try to push it away
while my mind turns to liquid and pours out the tip of my pen,
at 3am.

I'm so tired of being lonely,
  having nothing to fill my thoughts but you

I'm so sick of feeling that pain,
  that rips the inside of me apart

I'm so longing for that smell,
  of your hair on the pillow by my face.

I'm still wanting for those lips,
  to kiss my neck, right below my ear.

I'm still waiting for those eyes,
  to really see me fully.

I'm so lost without that heart,
  that keeps my own heart beating.

I'm so scared for this life,
  for it's nothing, without you

I** will look for you in the faces of those I pass by forever

Moments pass when I can't disguise it, even
If I try to shake those tears out of my head, I know
Soon I will break, if I can't push it back
Someday, hopefully I will be stronger

Your were gone before I even got to know you,
Out of my life you were ripped
Uselessness of memories, that only serve to remind me of what I no longer have

I'm trying not to be so crazy.
I have trouble, dwelling on things that bring me down.
How do I see tomorrow, through all those yesterdays?
I wish I was stronger, being weak all the time gets old.
I strive to control all the small things, so maybe I'll feel less out of control.
I need to be happy; happier at least.
How come and I can't just forget, or reconcile myself with what I've got?
If it would just stop hurting, even if for just a brief moment.
If this aching from my bones would just cease.
If I had it all back..

this poem has been a long time in the making,
it's not easy like stating, how the sky is blue,
or the grass is green
it's more like how I feel so BIG,
but never seen,
how I loathe that girl in the mirror, and her taunting, nasty screams
she is evil
as she pokes your sides, laughs at that belly you try desperately to hide
calls you chunky, just look at those thighs
girl in the mirror, so full of self hate
your mind is such a powerful thing to waste
on thoughts solely existing to enforce doubt and a need to keep pace
with those matchstick, anorexic figures
always shoved in your face
when it comes to beauty, when did less become more?
when did real, wholesome girls get traded for the *****?
when did your self worth become something you could pay for?
when did being beautiful become dependent on if you shopped at 'that' store?
they used to say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder
and I've noticed as I've gotten older
that you cannot quantify beauty based on what we see
'cause this world will look a little different to you
then it does to me, and there's no cookie cutter
labeled "beautiful girl", no molded shape to uphold
so big, tall, slender, small, dressed in rags so fine, or dressed to the nines
you're all gold
so long as you're sold
on the fact that you are beautiful!

you got off pretty easy,
not left here to look for closure
no smile to wear to hide the pain
no scar to bear at the mention of your name
no tainted view of the world to change
no hatred for the people who took you away
no craving for the sleep to forever stay
no hope of living another normal day
no money will bring you back, but they should all pay
no ******* up your life, acting ******
no attempt to numb it all, light and breezy
no camouflage, so no one sees me
no you got off pretty easy

I find myself slipping
back into the love I had for you
like sliding down the tub
submersing my head
till every sound outside
is muffled and distant
how I love the world below the bubbles
that float on top of the bath
so peaceful, and serene
but I cannot stay under too long
enjoying the separation from reality
for no matter how wonderful it may seem
detached, submersed
eventually I have to come up for air
and hear it all for real,
above the water

I've burned the candle from both ends,
burning fingers trying to hold on
soaked right through with whiskey, and tears
shutters ripple up my spine
to the brain I no longer wish to use
I've done my time, paid my dues
kissed my fair share of frogs, for something better
but the best is always yet to come, or so they say
I've desecrated my boundaries, jumped borders, and covered empty pages
just to hear that faint scratch of the pen across the paper
which still sounds louder than your heart
You see, I am a coward
who takes solace in the certainty
that words will drip from these fingers, like the lies from your lips
you call her your wife,
but know nothing of the sanctity of marriage
you babble on, about the greatness of your union
while taking me to your bed, you speak
of connections, when you could never understand
singing your own praises, you're not like every other man, ha!

I have burned the candle at both ends
burning my fingers to hold on,
as my whiskey soaked self engulfs in flames,
I let it burn..

chase the wind
from yesterday to tomorrow
for the ones who took their final breath
and the ones who's breath is borrowed

chase the wind
from the east to the west
for the lonely children crying
and the single moms who try their best

chase the wind
from the earth to the sky
for the fat cats getting richer
and the ones just scraping by

chase the wind
from the beginning to the end
for all those freedom fighters
who bury their best friends

chase the wind
with every step you take
for the ones who give their all
without a single break

chase the wind
with everything you've got
for everyone else who chases the wind
and for the ones who cannot.

All those breadcrumb pieces of my heart I'd hoped you would use to follow your way back, lay rotting along side the stagnant words you left behind with me
I doubt you would find your way home, even if you wanted to but,
I have no more of myself to send with you when you leave again

there are things
that I find impossibly hard to describe
that make my day
that much more intolerable
like the first crack
that was made in my strong,
once thought invincible, heart
sustained from realization
you are too far away to come back
the second
when I knew I would have to learn
new things without you here to share it with
cracked
when I wish you'd have been around
to back me up, no matter what
cracked again
from seeing your classmates
living their lives
moving away, by choice
cracked
knowing that those other new families
started by your peers
will never include yours
cracked
my children will never know
what an amazing uncle they had
cracked
when my mind searches
and recalls only vague recollections
of your face, and smile
cracked
when I can no longer
hear your voice as it once sounded
cracked
every time I mess up
knowing I owe it to you, to do better
cracked
on the day you'd have been a year older
or the days you loved in the winter, on the snow
cracked
till there's nothing left to be cracked
and my heart breaks

*******
and your ***** ******* ways
**** your mind games
and your pulling the **** away
**** your feelings
and your robot ******* heart
**** your brain
you zombie, you think you're so smart
**** your relationships
and **** time too
**** everything you touch
that is all you wanna do
**** your lovely ******* life
and **** your hate-filled remarks
******* for ******* me
right from the ******* start

the water spins around me,
the air carries me away,
my mind, bouncing off the walls,
my heart, beats for another day.
the sky, jumps, above then below,
the gravel scraping, hurts my ears,
the world whirling around me,
the nauseous feeling of running from my fears.
my head aches from wasting all these years.

I'm damaged
like bruised apples, or broken glass
and sometimes it feels like my scars
bring me down a class

I am tiny pieces
held together with pieces of tape
and this is all a mask I wear
so you can't see my real face

Can you be the glue
to hold my pieces together
can you be my ship
to sail through any weather

I am an addict
without their helpful crutch
'cause I've never needed anything
like I need the feel of your touch

I am just a child
who still wonders where her daddy was
I know he didn't want me then
just wanted to be lost in his buzz

Can you be the glue
to hold my pieces together
can you be the one
I can count on for forever

I am hollow
like the tree left empty by the birds
I feel nothing but vacant
just resonating your words

these damaged goods
are second hand at best
they fall short of perfect
to be left behind with the rest

I am wounded
like death soaked, ****** animal fur
like the one who will never belong anywhere
even her family won't ever want her

Can you be my glue
to hold my pieces together
Can you be my ship
to sail through any weather?
Can you be the one
I can count for ever?
Can you promise me
that you won't leave, ever?

can you fix the damages here?

you make me sick
to my stomach,
so much so
that I joke to my friends
that the very thought of you
makes me throw up a little
in my mouth

you make my world
go round
because it's constantly a chase
but that's okay because the love
I feel, keep my feet floating
off the ground

your smug, self absorbed
stench of a personality
turns me off
a repulsion
that even I have a hard time
putting it in to words

you have a million dollar
smile, baby
and eyes that penetrate my soul
my brain turns to mush around you
but I'm too stupefied to care

you're the 7 deadly sins
and you preach
such strong sermons
while you back stroke your way
past the buoys of your principles
so fake

you walk into the room and
my heart beats
an extra little ditty
just to know I can breath you in
while it tries to race itself
to an early grave

I see your face
and right through you
I look  into your eyes
to a soul I can no longer find
my body does a 180
but my heart stays,
silly, silly heart

I dont want to see you
you're not worthy of my time

I don't want to not see you
you're the only reason
I even want time to exist

I don't want to hate you
you're the one I loved the most
but alas
things aren't always as they seem

so
good luck, you will need it
but I need no more
magicians
with awe inspiring disappearing acts
and tricks that cut me in half
but don't put me back together
again

you were once my dear friend
a confidant, my lover
a video game partner
or a tricky cribbage opponent
you were my favorite
and now you're just the bad taste
in my mouth

My dearest, you are my saving grace
and owe to you all that I am today,
all my heart, and soul, and my pretty face
you are the one who made me this way

Thank you for everything that you do
for giving up your life for mine,
always putting me ahead of you
for ensuring I turned out just fine

You've always done better than you could
even though the responsibility was left to you alone,
thank you for doing even more than anyone would
and for making our lives perfect at home!

I dont want you,
anymore
I dont want you,
cause you I abhor,
I dont know you,
cause I was just your *****,
I dont want to keep you,
all ******* on the floor,
I wont stop you,
from walking away,
I wont help you,
ease your guilt on the way,
I wont need you,
cause youre weak, and will never stay,
I wont want you,
after you treated me that way
I wont love you,
cause youre no different today
I cant talk,
cause my words mean nothing at all,
I cant stay,
cause youre never gonna fall,
I cant try,
cause your not a man, brave and tall,
I cant lick your wounds,
because you were never a friend at all.

self inflicted hell
is not where I wanted to be
pushing you to the back of my mind
forgetting there was ever a you and me
rage fills inside of me
but I know I have no right
to justify the pain I feel
for having said yes that night
pain beats me down
like a constant punch in the gut
I know there's nothing to hang on to
nothing to pull me out of this rut
hollow is how I feel
like if I moved to fast or shook
there'd be no rattle from my heart jostling
it's not there anymore
it and everything else you took.

I tried practicing meditation
to silence my mind
I tried screaming at the top of my lungs
to drown out my thoughts
I tried weeping for days
to drain the poison out
I tried to swallow it all down inside
in hopes it would dissolve in my stomach
I tried eating the fridge empty
to enjoy something for once
I tried not eating at all
it wouldn't stay down anyway
I tried everything I could think of
to avoid the only choice I had
to walk through the fire
and pray I'd make it out the other side

I'm sorry,
I'm not perfect,
I apologize,
I'll always mess up.

I'm sorry,
You think I hate you,
I apologize,
For being the crazy one.

I'm sorry,
We can't seem to not fight,
I apologize,
We are forever so different.

I'm sorry,
Living with me is such a chore,
I apologize,
changing who I am won't last.

Do not go quietly into the darkness of the night
Rage against the wind with all your might
Make way through valleys, and dark thickened woods
Tread on rocks and mud and brush
Go farther than you thought you could
Do not make haste when escaping away
Fear not the others and the hurtful things they say
Instead be strong, patient and have faith
As you push on through your way
Know that if you give your all
You cannot regret yesterday.

LSD
acid rain
slowly detaching
feel no pain
lights all blur
colours smear
cold wind blowing
whispers her song in my ear
nerves tense up
panic saunters in
if I dont keep sippin' this water
the bad tippin' will win
a bubble surrounds me
but I can still see clearly through
a new found understanding
of just what is really true
you placed a cymbal on a drum
to play for us your show
sparks fly off, with every hit
and time moves endlessly slow
I smoke, but I feel no satisfaction
my fingers swell like sausage links
I wonder if it's all for real, or
if it's just what my mind thinks
this is a musical trip today
we jam, and fry, and blaze
we laugh, because we can't understand, like
no sentences are made from the words we say
soon I long for my cocoon
to swaddle my self in warm
while your laces turn to snakes
unafraid, they mean no harm
the morning eventually comes
but feels like she's been here all along
the rising sunlight hurts my eyes
as the morning birds sing their songs

Maybe I'll get breakfast....

I feel it
  my hot red cheeks,
that lump in my throat
weight under my tongue
the heat of the tears filling my eyes.

I fear it
  that rush in my head
throbbing in my chest
the seizing of my lungs
    not breathing, falling, weak.

I fake it
  that smile on my face
the laughter and joy in my voice
the will to live on
pushing one foot in front of the other.

This is for the doers and the seekers
the straight arrows and the tweakers
this is for the movers and the shakers
the hungry, unemployed and the money makers
this is for the girlfriends, and the secret ******
the ungentlemenly men and the ones who still hold doors
this is for listeners and the hearing deaf
the right wingers and for the liberal lefts
this is for the child who's awake at night afraid
and for the parents who'll regret not being there one day
this is for the academic scholars, and the high school dropouts
the meek, quiet talkers, and the ones who curse and shout
this is for the homeless and those braking banks to afford their mortgage rates
the healthy ones and the ones who's lives are in the hands of the fates
this is for the elderly and ones who's lives are not yet found
this is for you my brothers and sisters
for it takes all kinds to make the world go round

He's gotta be tall, dark and handsome
be chasing stars or have some
heart, passion and art
with moonbeams in his eyes
He can serenade just breathing
pass you the world within his greeting
contain the spark to start a blaze of tomorrows
He should be an open book
Speak the truth with just a look
The candle and the mirror reflecting it's light
No questions asked, he should be solid as stone
fill you up and make you feel at home
be the one who dedicates every song to you
He could be Mr. Right
but nothing's black and white,
he's Gray

some people write birthday cards
but there is no mail delivered where you are
so a poem to wish you the best on this special day
no matter if you are near or far

Happy birthday to my big brother
this day of yours is like no other
for this is the day the world was blessed with your grace
though you were taken too soon from this place
another year passes as we miss you more and more
and will write you birthday poems, till you answer heavens door
where we'll meet with balloons and your million dollar smile
and we'll have a birthday party like we haven't had in a while
we'll toast our glasses to our reunited family
while we recant times passed cannily
but till that time comes brother dear
know that I hold your memory ever so near
along with every cleverly placed dime
that I know you've dropped just for me to find
so in closing, all I wanted to say
was I miss you so much, and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I am stoner,
watch me soar!

I am a handle,
that opens your door.

I am the sunshine,
which keeps you so warm.

I am the wind,
that fuels this storm.

I am a smile,
to a stranger on the street.

I am a cupcake,
too pretty to eat.

I am a lake
for you to escape from heat.

I am a steak,
though I don't condone eating meat.

I am a girl,
the madonna and the *****.

I am stoner,
and so much more.

I miss that piece of me
  that disappeared when you left
I miss those smiles that warmed me
  and made me feel my best
I miss how I used to be
  back when things were right
I miss those days I spent with you
  and looking forward to our nights
I miss the way I loved you
  but love me you did not
I miss not missing you
  now that hollow memories are all I've got

I miss you with every fiber of my being
with every emotion I am capable of feeling
with everything I am or will ever be.

I am enraged by the very thought of them
that makes every drop of my blood boil
those truth hiders, secret keepers, and liars.

I weaken with every breath I take
every time I know I should push it all away
that every part of me needs to let go.

'Cause life goes on, or so they say
but with it goes my vivid memories
living without you hasn't made me stronger, but is killing me from the inside out

Oh, dear dreamy night
how doth the day give light
when you seem so endlessly dark
Oh long lost peaceful rest
my aider and ally to looking my best
I have forgotten where to find you
Oh, warm cozy snuggled bed
thou art the place where I used to lay my head
as from tosses and turns, sleep no longer prevails
Oh, you always chattering, noise filled mind
how you're relentless, that I shall never find
a moments peace to just slip away
to that sugar plum, candy coated, sleep filled
night that greets the day

the choice has been made for me
there's no hope for you and i
yet i still hang on tightly
as my dreams all pass me by
i used to think i'd stay around
so eventually you would see
though that hope could never hold it's ground
i never meant as much to you, as you did to me
alas the day finally came
where you chose someone else instead
we've reached the end of this superfluous game
i hope you're happy 'cause you've made your bed

I've been thinking lately,
as that is all I seem to do
that I perhaps will never move on
and be completely over you.
But I also have thought of late
that I never really did love
the anti-happiness, dream killer
who lives off flowers and doves
to tarnish all the shining stars
and muddy all crystal waters
who puffs his chest, and looks down his nose
and stomps out the hearts of your daughters
I have been realizing, with all my ponders
that I was just the blind, faithful, fool
trusting your wine was not tainted
and drank it all down, sip by sip
too embarrassed to admit
I wanted not this picture I painted
of blindfolds held by my own hands
or of water colors softened with my tears
this picture should have been oil paints
bold, strong, appreciated, lasting years and years
But thinking of all the things that I wanted
but of yet have not achieved
I try to grow and move on, and say it wasn't love
but my thoughts only awake you in my memories.

I miss you.

I remember saying to you, "I want you SOOO bad!"
I want all your parts, the light and dark, I want you even after so long
even though you're gone I want you
like a kid wants to see Santa on Christmas eve, hoping for a glimpse of the elusive man, not even questioning his validity
I want you like hot fudge on ice cream, the perfect compliment to my frigid self loathing, hot and sweet covering every inch, making me melt, I want you like the bros at the gym want gains
out of this world gains, hard work pays off gains
the protein to your muscle, stronger than the weight on your shoulders, I want you the way a tree buds and grows its leaves into the most lush escape, only to send them off with the most colourful goodbye awaiting their return in the spring, I want you like my dog wants food
and let me tell you one singular thought fixates his mind, and that is eating
I want you like an soft song played on the strings of a perfect evening, while we slow dance in the dark
I want you like an ice cold beer on a hot summer day! the spritz of the cap, bubbling with anticipation, the sweat forming on the bottle dripping down your finger as you touch it to your lips and then,
ahhh pure refreshment, quenching my Sahara thirst
I want you like how green grass, and shrubs and flowers and trees all grow towards the sun, innately seeking the heat source of life, the very sustenance that keeps them alive, I want you
like the air
all around me, I wanna feel you permeate every cell in my body, wanna feel you expand my lungs, and pump my heart, fire neurons in my brain sending electric signals to every muscle tingling my nerves
I want you like the first snowfall
magical and nostalgic, cozy and beautiful
I want you the way I wanna write poetry that saves lives, the way I want the words to build themselves with every pen stroke and speak to you, I want you the way no one has ever wanted me
worth the effort, if you would just try to see I could build a universe around us, so we would have our own stars that shine for our eyes only, and we would never miss a chance to watch the beauty of our stars crossing the sky,
I want you with feelings, and that uncomfortable "communicating" thing that I do so well for a living but struggle to do with you, I want you raw and exposed
our souls bared, a connection even fully clothed, I want you so bad
was all that I could muster under that gin soaked cloak of bravery
I should have said, that all I really wanted
was for you to want me too

why don't you just say what you mean,
you really think I cant see through the smoke screen?
but it's me taking things the wrong way?
overreacting, living in my brain?
funny how the only time I hear a thing from you
you're asking how or if I could prove
that I havent ****** up your life
or made you sick
if I was smarter I'd just quit
giving two *****
cuz your only answer is silence
and ******* it, I thought you said you cared
so stupidly I believed you, even though I was scared
and now you've proved that you're just like the rest
just like ******* and two face, you're far from the best
you used me, and laughed as you moved on to the next,
you disrespect me, but I should take it and move on?
I thought you were one of the good ones, but boy was I wrong!

I was wrong
I see now
I can't change people
but they change me
one turned me against the world
another against myself
one made me see my light
others just brought me down
I suppose it's all just lessons learned
but why must they be so tough
if I could just get past the redundancy
how trying is just never enough
I thought I could play along
and get by unscathed
that if we spent enough time together
eventually you'd be on my page
or at least I would walk away
unattached, more confident, more wise
I thought I could handle your seeing other girls
and I'd be fine with seeing other guys
I was wrong