Out of my mind when the WhatsApp tone startle me
Into believing that it was him: who was texting me

When your love has reached it course
A good apology is hard to find: But why say it in a text
Knowingly the other person is going to be vex

Today, I was meditating on three words,
Happiness, empathy and relationships
I will never say this is the end: or will I jump ship
I will always add more to my trouble

Because of whom I am: when I was with them
My past lovers count their trouble,
but they never calculate their happiness:
While they were in my life: they make me
Lost my perspective on the true me

however, do bear in mind
Your true self is never lost

There's nothing left
so what is there to lose?
Guess I'm the left
opposing your right.
Every fight alters the light
that used to shine bright.
There's nothing like
a forbidden love,
a sordid spoiled fruit
you keep throwing up
until I've given up.
Your lies cut through my neck
and the effects
have caused another train wreck.
You make love
seem like a war that never ends
that no one wins
inside my head
you never get it,
it's pathetic.
You make love
feel like a drug
you only found
dug in the mud
and you just gave it up.
There's nothing like
a mind you redefine
to fit in between your lines,
a mind that uses time
consumed with parasites.

My words now
Seem only
Adequate
But I cannot seem to adequately
Put into words
What I want to say.

long hair cut short.
apology after apology.
jackets often worn,
if not, sweaters or
long-sleeved tops.
anti-social,
not because
i hate people,
but i fear they hate me.
isolation in my bed,
sometimes,
panic attacks
in the bathroom.
constant overthinking,
whether 3 am or 3 pm.
scribbles thoughts
into poems,
but hides them.
pushes away,
even though i want
to pull them closer.

Concealed depression is
Buying water proof mascara
So you won't have to reapply makeup
after each daily breakdown.

Concealed depression is
Laughing at everything
so they won't question
why your eyes always water.

Concealed depression is
staying up until 4 a.m
because it's the only time
you can ignore the world
and no one will notice.

...Or concealed depression is
taking three melatonins
in hopes you'll sleep deep
enough to keep the terrors at bay.

Concealed depression is
Staying consistently busy
So your mind will be too exhausted
at the end of the day to fight you.

Concealed depression is
the impatient selfish monster
that burns bridges as you cross them.

Concealed depression is
feeding yourself lies like
"I'm fine" or "I won't cry".

Concealed depression is
the uphill battle that you don't get to win once;
it's a mountain you're forced to climb every single day.

Concealed depression is
silently screaming, hoping someone
will have super sonic hearing,
swoop in like a bat,
and carry you under their wings.

Concealed depression is
never hugging too tightly
or meeting a gaze too intensely
in case your guts may slip
out before you can catch them.

So when they accuse you of changing,
when they accuse you of rage and indifference,
of violence and apathy,
when they ask why you never called,
when they ask why you never told them,
all you can say is that concealed depression
is like an overbooked hotel and there's only room for one.
All you can say is that you were afraid
Your darkness would drown them too
and then there would be no one left to save you.

Every day is
the same road, same lines,
same lights, same dents on the
c r o s s r o a d s .

Flickering lights of
s t o p    &    g o

Sitting on the back of a cab,
The beeping sounds start to sink in. . .

S    l   o   w   l    y
I close my eyes, thinking :

"  Where the **** should I go?  
If somewhere the rivers don't flow,
W o u l d   I    b e   a l o n e ?  **"

Its been a while,
since i finally accepted
the end.
But my heart still aches,
everytime i think
of how we ended.

And if i could go back,
I wish i could tell you:
I stayed for so long not ,
not because i was weak.
But because i believed
in the good person in you.

I left, not because you
stopped wanting me,
but because i no longer
loved myself by loving you.