It has been a while indeed.
But not much has changed
Your hair
Your style
Your walk
My feelings.

You were the same.

We walked through the streets of Amsterdam
Inhaled some culture
Exhaled stupid jokes
Reached the heavens and our lowest points.
There was silence in between.

I liked you more when we were quiet.
The amount of things that silence makes you realize
Silence can change your mind.

I thought... I do still like you.
But more in my head than in the flesh.
A week ago, I wanted us to be us;
I wanted one of our 15 hour moments again.
But it's all just a mix of unreal expectations
and highly romanticised thoughts

Snapped myself back to reality
I looked for you.
In my heart
And
you
just
weren't
there.
Emptied by silence.
In a snap of a finger.
You were the same. Everything was.
But suddenly I wasn't.

I realised we've reached the end.
Smiles and awkwardness in between
We bid our last goodbye.

I left you in Amsterdam
I left you in my memory.
On the train to France,
I cried for you one last time.

That evening I stopped being miserable
I thought...
'My life is amazing'

Aside from the daily hustle and bustle,
And a few more hundred pieces to pick up,
It's not really that bad is it?

Even the one who broke my heart thinks that I'm going to be okay.
So he did it anyway.

He knows it will just be a tiny bump.
That he himself is just a tiny glitch in my life.
He's human enough to think that everything will be okay.
Otherwise, he wouldn't have done it.

He knows that even when he leaves,
I have amazing friends and family to help me pick up the pieces.
He knows I'm strong enough and that
I'll survive without his presence.

He knows that I'm smart,
and that if he didn't leave me,
immediately, right at that very moment...
If he stays a bit longer...
He'll grow deeper and closer to me
And he knows that sooner or later
I will be the one to wake up
with a huge realization
and the strength to leave him.

Not everyone can survive feeling like fish out of the water.
He knows he can't.
So he swam away instead.

And as I lay my
Tired bones to rest
You're the last image
in my head

I thought,
I never knew I'm capable
Of feeling so much
For a person

I try not to,
But I think of you
Many times
In a day

Soon as I wake up
As I walk to work
As I have my lunch
As I look at the flowers you gave me

Everytime I stumble upon a reminder,
All the cells and all the atoms,
Each and very ounce of my being,
is trembling with hate and anger.

I try not to,
But I curse your name
In the wind, in my mind
Almost as often as I blink

And with hopes the wind
And the universe be in my favor
I hope it blows and deliver to you
My long kept
Unspoken
Hurricane of hate.
All millions of them in a day.

Until all hatred is gone.
Until I get tired.
Until I can't live up to the abhorrence
That you deserve.

You have issues,
I have established that.

I stared deep into your blue eyes.
You ran your hand through your
blonde, slicked back hair
And stared intensely back

It's there! Undeniably
Felt and proven many times:
The air between us is buzzing
And we didn't need to try

But connection be ******.
I am not going there with you.
You've got issues.
I can. But I won't

I looked away and took a sip
from my copper cup

You've got issues.
She's got a hold on you.

Vous etes fou!

Now, I am not spotless
He's got a hold on me too

I guess I just didn't want to take
the blame for our dysfunction.
So... It's you.
You've got issues.

You aren't my headache,
and I obviously aren't yours.
We're each other's fire escape.

I'd see you when things get stressy,
You'd suggest drinks after work.

We cheered to the night.
To "Asia Asia"
To more laughter
To keeping things as it is
To 4 days in France
To your cozy apartment in Paris...

Allez les bleus!

After one too many copper cups, and a
paid flight to France
I guess the buzz won over the air between us.

And it was the last time we saw each other.
And we didn't need to try either.
And I'm sure I'd miss my flight in December.

I'm losing myself
again.
In you.
In this.
In us.

I'm not going to tell you
to appreciate my vulnerability

But there.
I said it.

Someday.
Some supposedly busy weekday.
We'll wake up around noon
And I will roll over
To kiss you before my coffee

And we'll make pancakes
Or eggs
Or maybe some porridge

Bowls in our hands
Legs stretched out
Leaning on each other
Comfortable silence

And everything is okay.

And then you'll look at me
And then maybe we'll make love once again
Or read Bukowski
Or both

And everything is perfectly fine.

Don't, just because you're lonely.
Yes. It's in me.
Like a drug,
I can make people feel better.

Don't, just because I'm the only one listening.
You can tell me what's ******* you off.
I am always all ears.

Don't, just because I make you forget it all.
In truth, it's temporary.

I can try and save you.
And I will succeed if I do.

But.

I don't want to just be your emergency exit.
I want to be the one to start it all.
I want to be the one to **** you off.
I want to get under your ******* skin.

With the shallowest reasons,
I want to be the one you talk about
to your friends.

Yes, I can be your rock. I want to.
But I can't be your fire escape.

Before we're there,
I want you to know that sometimes,
I WILL be the one to spark it all.

Sometimes, I'm a mess too.

Before we're there,
I want you to know that it will be tough.
I forget things.
I will forget to put the drink back in the fridge,
but I won't forget the hard times.
Sometimes I will slip
and bring up a storm of history.

Not deliberately, but sometimes,
I will be the one to cause you
emotional whirlwinds too.
But I want to be the one you keep coming back to.

Before we're there, know that I love to write.
I will write to you, and about you.
Like now, I will write about how I feel about you.
I will write about everything
And as much as you hate attention,
some people will know about you.
You will be, or currently are,
my muse.

Before we're there, remember how I ramble when drunk.
I will tell you everything, even the ones
you have no intention of hearing.
And I know you'll do the same.

Before we're there, know that it will be difficult.
I will demand for security;
For unconditional love;
For your all.
But I will also demand for absolute freedom.

Yes.
I will do everything to make you feel better.
I will go the distance.
Go the extra mile.
But before we're there,
Know that I want the same from you,
If not more...

I will try to get you through a rough patch,
keep your head above the water,
but sometimes, I will need help too.

Before we're there, know that this might all be a waste.
For many reasons aside from the ones
I have just mentioned,
this might not work.

A year from now,
You might be watching sunsets by the sea
with someone else,
I might be writing about someone else.
But I dont care anymore.

We might get there. We might not.
We might tiptoe off a plank 100 floors high together,
or just run and jump in with both feet
tomorrow or next week or next month.
I don't know.

I will stop wondering.
But take these precautions...
Before we're there,
I will see you next week.