i'm telling you now, leave.
i'll give you this one warning
before
i pull out my remington and shoot my lucky bullet straight into your heart.

too late

my boy, you're a soon to be dead man.
and me
i'm your death sentence.

make your last wish with pursed lips now.

i will do whatever i need too, to get you out of this head of mine.
i own this brain as tortured and mushy as it is
and you're merely trespassing.


you're the kid they use to shove into lockers, gone rouge.
the kid who's now well, not really a kid at all.

you hangout with the jocks these days,
go to a school full of yuppies
yeah. we all know your type and what you've turned into.

your transparent
might as well be glass.

generic.
simple.
gross.

but that lifestyle changed you into something new
and you morphed into something without a name

you were weak and
this world broke you.

that boy i fell in love with all those moons ago is dead now.

oh, well
time to go


so
here's the door.
and
there's  your shoes..

don't cut yourself too deep on the barbed wire
when you try to fit your pores through that fence


actually do

maybe then you won't come back and  will have finally learned
not to fight
fire
with
fire
and fist with fist


maybe then you won't haunt the halls in my head or the walk back home  

maybe then,
maybe.
maybe some day.

and if theres one last thing i could tell you
i think i would like to say thank you for letting me go
and after all we did
  after everything that transpired

it's okay.

i'm okay.

because i've set you free
  and i've learned to let things be
and maybe things didn't turn out the best in the end
  but everything happens for a reason
and isn't part of loving someone knowing when to let them go?
         you are the dust
the dust that lingers
           the dust that will always remain
in a special place, on the only shelf in my heart


**and i forgive you.

i just don't feel the same way that i use too
and
i wish i did
because i love you so
much
and not at
all

maybe
it's not you, it's me.
maybe im a skyscraper
collapsing
into
a preschool full of people that never play fair
but didn't deserve to die
but maybe
i killed them
and used there bones
as silverware for the dinner i have made you tonight
and
maybe
i'm a cobra
spitting poison into their mouths
because  
im scared
that they'll cut my head off
and cook me and my kids in a gumbo
and
maybe
nothing is what it seems
but you don't know that
and neither do i
    and
just,
*******
maybe
i'm actually disapointed in myself
for letting this all fall down around us
and for watching
you
watch me
not closely enough.

you didn't even
      try
to
hold
       those
rafters up

but,
i suppose you let go a long time ago.

you laughed that little laugh of yours
and let them impale
you
and me too

didn't think i could feel it
but boy, did i ever.

Hahahaha

i caused this mess.
i set the world on fire.
but worst of all

i was foolish
     to think you
could
withstand
     me
.

I believe in love
I believe in equality, were all different all beautiful
I believe in getting lost, because if you're not lost then how can you be found?
I believe that happiness will find you and its not something you can chase
I believe that laws should not be changed or bent as ruthless as they may seem
because they were put there for a reason
I believe in justice, not revenge.
I believe in karma, and fate.
I believe in euphoria
I believe in being able to laugh until you cry
I believe that sadness is beautiful as long as it does not over take you.
I believe that emotion is not weak but it can be over shown
I believe in you
in me
in every last atom
that makes everyone and everything up.
I believe.

you laugh with faces so bright
you could light cities
and
here
i'm left

  alone.

you didn't tell me to shed my skin..

peel off  all my insecurity's
all my faults
all the retired parts this world has broken inside of me
and plaster them onto a depressed collage of memories
and photographs


you didn't tell me to make sense of all the depression in my head
fight all of my demons in one on one combat
so I could put it on paper for you to read
but I did..
I fought wars to see you smile
Tried to tackle your fears and pain
just to hear that laugh of yours
but I wasn't enough
I've never been enough
not for me
not for you  
not for anyone.


I shed all of me when I stepped out of my clothes for you.

my heart was stitched into every part of skin
that you touched
and every part of me that you made alive again with the dance of your fingers


i didn't just take off my clothes
i clipped my wings for you..
i had so many chances to fly but i didn't
i had so many reasons to break down but i didn't
and
i would rather have my heart broken a million times then to break a single one the way you did.
and you know what? it's okay if you don't want me anymore.. its okay if your friends make fun of me
or if you make jokes about what we were
(you always were good at that)
or who i am
who i was
what i was
to be honest, you've ****** me dry of feeling
and
pretty much
robbed me of emotion
altogether
but its alright, really
there's a beauty in so much self hate
and
being so ugly
so worthless
so ******* disgusting.
and
maybe someday
one day
i wont think of your insufferable face
&
i'll finally have a reason to live for me
instead of everyone else.

predator
hunts
   prey

while
i
hunt
your
   heart
.

please just hold me until the sun dies
or until i stop loving you.
whatever, comes quicker.

She fell in love with his sun beam smile,
and the way he glistened when he talked about cars and country music.
and he fell in love with her hurricane eyes.

destructive, yes.
but
simply

**unstoppable.

my     words
have
suddenly
transformed
                       .
                into   vapor

and im trying
my hardest to
remember how to breathe

  them back
into my dehydrated lungs
    so i
can understand
again
what it's like to really
   be       alive
         .

you see me on the streets
i see you driving by
we pretend we are strangers
and we turn our backs to each other
as if dancing a forbidden dance.

only later
in the cover of darkness will you call me back to the alley way
so we can **** like wild animals
and play with all our broken parts.
i always wondered if your body ever gets tired
of dancing the same dance
if
you ever get sick of chasing the same feeling..
or is it just primal..?

natures way of telling you
that your purpose here on earth is to reprouduce and nothing more.

you make it look so easy

making love.

you seem weightless
even though you carry so much on your back.

and i,
i am heavy
my Intestines are full of questions
and i swallow bricks
to keep
them
down
.

i lay there
empty eyes staring up at the ceiling
as you kiss me
and ***
your body tired
you make yourself a bed
next to my bones
and collapse in a heap along side my skeleton.

with your arms around me
your hands entangled in mine
i smile
but
i have never felt more alone.

i thought we were the same
but turns out i was just wasting
time
lying to myself.

i have a tendency to
overestimate
and over analyze  
but it seems that i was wrong about you
is it that you've finally realized what i am
or do you just not care
anymore

tell me what did you run out of more quickly

**** to give
or time to waste?

actually
don't answer that.

you're too predictable and i know you too well..
i'm growing bored
and tired
of playing the same games. i've told you this.

i need a new puzzle to solve.
a new song to sing.
a new life to ruin.

I've packed the bags from under my eyes, up with best regards to you
and goodbyes.

my legs were wild animals
hunting for scraps


and you spent every night
feeding me lies

just to coax me into your bed.

i kept my mouth shut
and my eyes closed
when my limbs were pinned to the bedsheets.

i dreamed the dreamiest of dreams
when
i needed to
forget the feeling
of you inbetween my legs.


your sheets.
sticky.
starchy even.

cotton waves that tickled my skin
and crashed over me.

my hands pinned.
like the games you use to play with your brother,
to see who was stronger.

his breath on your shoulder.
cold.
huffing
in your ear
as his icicle fingers traced your skin.


it wasn't supposed to be this way.
your body seems to chime

you shiver and shake

scared or cold
it's all the same.
never seemed to matter.

he tears off your skin
and eats it
as he finishes with you
he wants you fully naked.
fully humiliated.

you crumple into yourself
arms wrapped around you like wings

you were ready to fly away that night.
but for some reason you didn't

legs to your chest
fetal position
proved nearly fatal as you lay next to him that night.

waking up next to that boy was the hardest thing you ever had to do.

the only witnesses to the crimes he committed on your skin
we're your legs
and they wouldn't stop shaking...

it's a bit chilly.
but you warm yourself up anyways
and throw on your clothes.
paint
on
a smile
and
  choke on the denial
after all
that's the way they dealt you your cards.

you were never good at keeping your poker face
or a straight face for that matter
but
boy, oh boy
did you have them all fooled.


hello. world.

it's me,
another unstable,
teenager.

open your presents,
act shocked;
what a supprise.

hello.
world.
   you will forget me.




just let go.

just. let. him. go.

but he stole the only thing of value to her
and
got away with it too.

that silly heart thief, that silly life ruiner.
that silly boy.


he got to get everything he wanted
and

didn't even look back.

so why should she let go.. why can't he give it all back..?


so when she cries,
and she cuts herself open.
sheds her skin for you to see
and spills her guts.

just know it's not her at this point, it's second nature

to
try to be whole again.

she never will though. she knows it.
the nostalgia will always be there and there's nothing she can do to get those memories back
and there's no where left to run
except straight back into his arms
straight back where she started
and
she might as well be walking backwards because she isn't making any progress and here she is again spending another night crying on the bathroom floor

she wants to tell the truth to you
she wants you to know why
she cries.
and gets scared.
but she settles for the bathroom tiles

she mumbles against the cold floor
lips trying to move but can't

she's holding herself up
barricading the walls that are just too weak

but these bricks and these lies are just too old
and these arms just aren't strong enough to hold the weight of the world anymore.
so
she crumbles
and she fumbles
and she folds
and her whole empire has fallen down around her..

she still sees you around town
and you can't help but rub it in

so
tell me,
what the **** do we do now.

now that we've ruined this place

now that you've ruined this heart

now that i have no where to go

no one to love

and

nothing to be.





i guess i can't expect you understand.

any of you.

i guess i can't expect to get it either.

but for some reason

*i do.

for some reason i do.

you are just an echo of what i once dreamed
and i am merely a girl trying to stand on her own two legs.

you
love
me so much
i can feel it
in my bones.

and
all i ever do is disappoint you.
it hangs in the air around you
and envelops our lungs as we struggle to breathe.

poison.

i've nuked our house with tear gas.
made everyone cry.
made everyone want to **** me.

spilt us into rifts.
glaciers
that float on the Antarctic ocean
thousands of miles apart.


no one wants to go home.
no one wants to pretend like we didn't cut and torture each other the night before
so we pack up our knives, guns, and other sharp things
stick em in our own backs
and go wallow in our sorrow.

we're hurt.
limping like fresh road ****
but we don't seek penance or first aid

instead,
we would rather die from what we don't understand.

the cop cars are the pulse of the city
weeding in and out of the city streets like veins to my corroded artery
and when their sirens come alive
no one dares to breathe.
But in the distance
the mountains shake with laughter
at the sheer mediocrity we call  life
and the trees whisper
words that we shouted from the rooftops on the darkest of nights
and
The earth vomits up
All the things we left behind
only to cover up our broken bones
when were to crippled to breath.

and
the city comes alive at night
beating drums in my head
all the
noise
So much noise
is
caused by the unity of our hearts.

i'm stuck in a state of nothing
and I can feel my sanity slipping into the abyss of nothingness
after all
we are all broken people trying to understand even more broken misconceptions
trying to piece together the world like a big jigsaw puzzle so we can try to understand things were too scared to even discover.
So yes,
i am stuck in a state of nothing
because everything I've been taught
everything I have learned
has been worth nothing
and
nothing makes sense.
nothing. Makes. Sense.
we live on the lie that we control our lives.. but our lives control us
and when you don't conceal the truth with fancy cars and trinkets
you see life for what it really is

something beautiful.

worth?



**nothing..

i breathe
nothing in
but seagulls feathers
and
my lungs
try to paddle themselves to shore

your mind is
just an ocean of garbage that i'm swimming
in
indulging
for a short time
before
i
drown in
you
&
your likeness

just promise me you'll end it quickly

flush me
out to sea.

i'm just a clam in the ocean.

a mere muscle.

walking around with a smile permanently engraved on my exoskeleton,
a smile can hide so many things.
including a life time of lies
including the things he did to you
the things they said

i'm just a little itty bitty thing against these waves, against this world.

a little pinprick,

a dot on your map

so tiny
i don't even matter
to the spectrum of everything....

but I like to pretend I do,
play make believe
as
they throw me against the rocks,
and try to break me
i tell myself i matter
that I'm part of the chain reaction that is called life
that i, being so tiny, can make a difference..

but logic gets the best of me
time and time again
and the waves don't stop
whispering.
they either speak too quietly  
or all at once
either way there words always end up crashing against each other


i don't understand what i need to do

i don't understand what my purpose is and no one else can tell me.

im just a mere muscle
with two shells for eyelids to seal in my saline tears
i am only a clam, and these are only waves.
so I seal myself shut,
let the barnacles grow over my lips
and choke on
the
  words
in
    my
salty
    mouth.

i want to step out of my hateful skin
and peel off my scales
like fabric
like feelings
like everything temporary.
like a snake molting its skin
i crave to be something new.
i want to shed the pure essence that is me
and leave my skin behind
so i'm just a tangle of strings
and broken clocks
and pulsating organs.
ill come to you in your dreams;
maybe give you a call around the holidays
but in the end, darling
you will be left somewhere
amongst
the dust
next to
beside
or within
my dead
excess
*skin

your hands are pale
fingernails sharpened like swords
hands like shackles;
wrapped around my fleshy ankles
you drag me down to the depths of yourself, and expect me to swim us both to shore
but, the current snapped my bones
and you broke my heart a long time ago..

i am just the sea foam now
the froth that beats against the rocks
like a prisoner against bars.

i'll sacrifice myself to the sharks and the sea monsters,
let them rip my beating heart out
if it means you'll just look the other way.

around you, i am a little girl lost in the waves
trying to call out but no one can hear her

and i swear,

**you will be the death of me.

im not skyhigh with this feeling of feeling
i don't like it when my heart floats in my chest
or when he watches the stars and holds my hand like im some type of catch
i can tell you right here and right now kid, that i might as well be the rusty metal handlebars on your first bike.
i may look strong
but i can promise you that i am not.
you can pedal me long and far
but eventually
i'm gonna
give out.
give up.
and
give your heart away.

so what's the use in loving someone (something) so temporary?

i hardly know you
but i know that
you make me fly
and
i'm afraid of heights.
                     (you)
                           .

          as much as i wish you were
we're just not on the same plane of understanding, darling
i fly so high that i get lost in the clouds
and you're hanging onto my toes
digging your claws into my legs
can't you see that
I just want to be free..?

sooner or later
things are going to fall apart.
we are going to fall.
and
this love boat is bound to go up in flames.
nothing lasts long with me
the sharks in my head will chew you up and spit you out
and
ill eat away at your heart until nothing is left.
and yes
i know
that you can see the guilt in my ocean eyes
i admit that
i'm the sea monster who comes up and steals all your love, dear sailor.
i only take it from you
so you don't give it to her

i want your love
as much as a scubadiver
wants a ships anchor on their chest.

but the suffocating is kind of lovely, in its own way.

ive grown attached to you like the barnacles on my brain..
you're a pain
but i think i want you around

at the same time
you make me want to inhale all the ocean into my lungs
And sink to the bottom.
become like i once was
lost.
nothing.

and our plane has crashed
and i've broken my fragile wings like glass
on the fall into
this ocean
and this story i cried for you
be careful, tread some water
and
dont cut yourself on the glass I leave behind.

your the wreckage
and im the girl in shambles on the beach.
my heart didn't survive,
my emotions died
but you saved a little sliver of your love to feed the beast inside me.

i think i like you
but i thought i liked him
and he forced me
to bed
and tied me down with ropes
that felt like lies
and tasted like salt

and now i am
nothing,
   but a hermit crab


*trying to find a new shell.

i kept you in bars
like i kept myself
and wrote poetry on my ribcage for you to read
and i cried when you left
or when you taunted me
but i swear to you, it was not love.
love isn't imprisoning someone;
love is freeing above all else

but
i never told you that
each night when i caught you trying to kiss another through the bars of my bones..

i tried to unhinge you,
unshackle you from my hopes and dreams.
i was letting you go
i was letting you free
i was never a monster, at least not like you.
but you tore away
left without compensation
and now broken bones and bruises are all i have to make up for the goodbyes you never said and the i love you's you never meant.

we     *****  


me.

we are the leather jacket kids
riding the subway
with our music too loud
and people tell us to stop
but we don't stop
we keep running
always running
never getting tied down.

this city is on fire
and
the skyline looks like burning cigarettes. we will inhale
this place and the next
and breathe
it all out like    
    


                       e
                     k
                 o
            m
  s

you were a moth with singed wings
flicking too and fro above a dying fire
and red cigarette embers shined through the night brighter then stars
as you flew into the one thing that could **** you
the one thing you found so imposible to leave.

your wings were tattered blankets
that you wanted me to take shelter in
but i would rather be colder then smolder in a broken hearted love..
a love dependent on our hearts being just as black as our lungs

you are a skin that i shed
made of fine silk that i toss into the waste bucket
along with the dinner scraps of yesterday.
to me,
you have no meaning
other then the feeling
you temporarily fill my chest with.

let them go
shop around
and
try a new one on

do you like the feeling that this one gives you pressed up against your skin?

this is all temporary you know that.
but they don't.

so let him *******
on his bed
in the morning
and let him build you a kingdom out of pillows
if it helps
cushion the blow
of you realizing that you truly have no sense of self.
he will teach you
how to forget
and you will walk away with his personality
and never look back..

i never asked to be this way
to not be me
not me
me

i share this body
with you
and her
and everyone i let in

we take turns playing
with this body
and pulling its strings
but
i am running on batteries and time
and my juice is quite low.
i am an apathetic android
in need of more soul
for
this situation
and i've just run dry
of everything

if only you could peer inside this dusty head
and see the inter clock work
that makes me the way i am
clean the cobwebs and confusion
out of the corners

blue wire
  to red

if only you could  turn back time and fix me.

something wild has been eating at me
because now i'm all torn apart..
so if I may
can i slide into your bones and become you..?
escape
what i can't control
and be something new..?
i tire of this skin, and i tire of yours
i can never find something to sustain my hunger long enough
because you're all the same really
you all leave the same taste on my tongue
petty little people
hiding in your generic houses
somewhere amidst the concrete jungles you call organized cities,
pretending to mean something

when we both know
deep down
inbetween our non existent hearts

you're nothing more than just an animal.

acid snow
falls down upon a perfect world.

droplets of
broken
bottle
happiness
sit on your roof
and
drip off the
brains gutter
into the
dopamine sewer.


im talking about the place i call home
where
rainbow
kerosene
puddles
lead into a perfect paradise
if you close your eyes

im talking about that feeling you get when you
reach that milestone
in your life
where you finally hit the bottom of that bottle your mom keeps on the highest shelf
when
your fourteen and your head feels a bit fuzzy
and
for the first time
you lose your sense of feeling
and
they have to open your tired eyes
with crowbars
and your parents laugh when you stumble the sad city streets and you fall down the stairs
on your way back home

you saw things for what they really were too quickly
and they tried to **** you for it

so you packed up the bags from under your pupils
and
with your sad little
blueberry eyes
you left in the night
and ran barefoot through the
snowy woods.

you know in your heart
that it doesn't get any better then this.

the faces of friends
and city signs are already
        being washed away

       **we are all
just melting against the
   back
       drop
     .

you fly with wings stained with crimson
catch flight as quickly as lungs fill with air.
it's only natural
for you
to leave people so breathless.
but you stole the feathers from my throat
and there's no tickle on the back of my tongue.

Dear Raven,

**I can't fly without you.

you liked your alcohol just like you liked your women
a little watered down..
bitter to
the taste.

and nowadays you set your lungs ablaze
and shoot things into your veins that I don't even know the names of
but
i remember once
when i was the only thing that tortured you.

we were never minuscule enough to be soley about something as petty and chemical as..love

but somehow you ended up loving me
because
i didn't love you.

bind my wrists with barbed wire
and tell me you love me
hold me hostage with the hope in your eyes
andd if you ask ever so, not nicely..

i'll reach into my pockets
and
trade you some sanity,  if you give me your love.

Pull the plug on those big blue  bathtubs for eyes
once you've let your tears surround
you knees like the great big sea
and let your eyelashes become whispering sand
that stings your cheeks with sea salt kisses
and let your hands become seagulls that fly away
or sea lions that sink to the bottom of your bathtub
spiraling down
in a crystal whirlpool
right
past your eyes
trickling down your nose
and
into
your mouth

we're all just animals dressed in skin suits
trying to be something more

and i'm so sick
of everyone keeping a cool head
and being the only kid with a temper tantrum
at this timeless tea party

i don't want sugar in my ******* tea, okay.

i don't want to play this sick game  anymore.

pour me my poison
and get the **** on with it.

i don't want to be politically correct
i don't want to follow the footsteps that society has imprinted in the sand
i don't want to pray to a God I know for a fact, died a long time ago
and i most certainly don't want to hold your hand and fall in love.
so pour that out the window
along with your hopes and aspirations.
this isn't a place for dreamers after all.


so please.
world are you listening..?

cut the ****.

i'm already filled to the brim with hate and stale tea
i don't need any more sorrow to drown in
or any more sugar coated **** to swallow

please
undress me
from this coustume that i spend so much time
trying to convince myself i am

get me naked
shine the stage lights on me
and
show me my real skin

and when your finished with me world.
after you've gotten your fill, of course.

tuck me into bed with rusty nails
blow the city lights out like candles
seal up my casket
and until forever
and
the next day

leave me be.

you were the only thing on her mind
but you made her skin rot
her teeth fell out of her mouth
like gems losing their luster.
with some kind of grace.
and you stole them out from under her pillow
and collected them,
strung them up
knotted them tight,
and wrapped it like a noose around her neck

you found a way
to make her **** herself
without her lifting a finger.

you offer your hand to me
as if i'm some type of dog.
shying away from your touch
i cower,
head hung low.


you get too close,
always too close.

i can feel the warmth of your fingers
as they hover above my skin

i feel almost safe
until you grab me

i bite your hand
you taste so bitter

please tell me why are you filled with bitter blood and bridges burnt?
don't tell me you don't know what it's like to feel pain
because i can taste it on your skin.

it exudes out of you like an odor that i can't get enough of

i crave it.
(you.)

but,
back behind bars i go
and we get back to that place where everything is okay
in your eyes

but i'm trapped
in mine

this was never love
this was never love
THIS NEVER WAS LOVE.

i rattle the bars
curse your name
and howl the blues with the wolves

i don't need to look you in the eyes to know that you despise me.

my teeth are sharp and my smile always did look like a snarl
and i cut you too deep to begin with
but i've never asked anything from you
in the seven hundred and thirty days that i've known your sorry ***,
so
please
just
this once
when you see me on the street
and drive by
as if
we never knew each other

free me from the ward of your heart
and set me free one last time..

i don't want to be remembered as the girl who gave you everything
i want to be remembered as the girl who took the rest of your humanity.
because we both know that's what i really did

look me in the eyes and tell me i didn't
destroy you.
tear you apart like a wild animal
from the inside out.


i'm not lying,
i promise you.
and him.
all of you.

im not crazy


just



**yet.

it's five am
&
the worlds just starting to wake up

but
this silly little heart of mine is still either asleep or numb
ive learned i can't tell the difference.

the faces come and go
i hate them all the same.

ive spun my web  
and caught little morsals
to pick my teeth with

and when ive
finished eating there skin
i use their bones
as instruments
to make something beautiful out of what they've left behind

i am innocent in less otherwise proven guilty
but no ones on the case

and with a smile of deceit on my face  the whole forest listens to
the melody of my eight legs cascading across my web
as
I pluck the strings
and make music
out of  dying screams
and the breaking of bones.

tie balloons to my ankles.
**** the life out of me.
darling, i think you forget to realize  that i'm just waiting for you
to
leave me in shambles

and let me
drift
       away.

i've been alive sixteen years, four months and twenty two seconds
and I still get fooled by a pretty face

words are words
but when she looks at you like that, they become lies hidden in poems
every syllable
stretched   out  with those soft lips
are all ***** lies.
and underneath that skin, darling..
you're still a bag of bones like all the rest of us
trying to fit together like broken puzzle pieces
desperately seeking normality
and you can't change a thing
and no matter how you spin it
under that skin you live in
its a rotting cage

that stinks of ugly.

ive lost myself.
any remenant of who i was
was killed in the fire that i burned your memory in
all that's left of me now is the ash prints that resemble your hands.

you tried to eat me alive
and i set you ablaze with all the hate i have for this world
and
i'm sorry our spark turned into a wildfire,
i let things get a little out of hand
and i let you inch by inch destroy everything that i loved
i would have extinguished you if you didn't force me into your bed all those nights
i would have stopped you if i had the strength
i can rebuild what ive lost
and find a new king  
to help me rule this world
but when i look in the mirror on nights like these, i don't even see my own eyes looking back at me

you either stole my heart
or

*i
became
you.