while I may no longer show signs of exhaustion
it is good to note that I am filled with desperation
to sleep, or even better, leave for hibernation

He didn't like my smile, he liked my mouth. He wanted me to use my mouth to his advantage and he wanted me to make him feel good. He would do anything for it, he pinned me down. I was sweating and I was afraid. He took me to the lake and tried again there. I ran home in the rain, which was a 45 minute walk without a jacket.

I met another. His girlfriend wanted to be my friend but didn't know how he felt about me. She yelled at him and made him think he needed to give her more. More money, more kisses, more speech. She figured out he loved me. Him and I talked often, he told me what he wanted from me. I slept over, and I knew what was coming but I didn't care. If someone loves me, I loved them back because that's the way my stupid brain works. I should have known that he didn't like my smile, he liked my thighs. We got what we wanted but I stopped him when it became too much. The next day he told his girl a lie that made him seem to forget what really happened, which I later told his girl but she didn't belive me. Nobody did. I was trying to break them up because he liked me and I told him that his girl was abusing him but no, women can't be abusers.

I lost friends because they didn't believe me because I am just like that, making up stories so people will feel bad for me, because I'm not allowed to have my own opinions even though my being trans lets me see the struggles of both men and women.

Nightmares and frights and getting away from myself because I know that when people see me, they see me as weak and usable and a good way to get off once or twice. I'm vulnerable.

They didn't like my smile, they liked my body.

My nightmares of that evening in January
rerun in my mind like an overplayed television series.
rerun in my mind like a broken record.
rerun in my mind like an intrusive thought.
rerun in my mind like an itch that won't go away.
rerun in my mind
rerun in my mind
rerun

You are in my stomach

A topsy-turny rumble

I can't swallow away.

Go. leave. I need time alone.

I broke the hourglass. I cut your favorite sweater in two. I tore up the pictures you left in my room. I plan on destroying all history of ours.

The time you spent with me is meaningless now. The warm sun has become a dark abyss.

Maybe I should be guilty, or maybe I should miss you. I should forgive you. But I don’t. But I do miss you.

I cannot miss you anymore - you started to love me, and nothing can make that right.

Sometimes I just wish I could sink into the void inside of me, detach my soul from every part of me so I become a lifeless body.
So I can seep away from existence, fall into myself, and never see the light of day again, never be afraid that it will be burn me
Again.