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Feb 2021 · 87
i want to erase u ;(
Alexis Feb 2021
While tenderly scattered across my skin, even the sunshine becomes trivial when i know that you don’t think of me. The stars only know what i’d surrender for a spotless mind and a name with a less bitter taste.
Oct 2020 · 770
know you don’t
Alexis Oct 2020
know you don’t miss me
you just miss the way it feels
to not be alone
Sep 2020 · 174
Crazy or Correct?
Alexis Sep 2020
Lately I’ve been contemplating whether you’re a test from the devil or a gift from the universe

Are you really the piece I feel I’ve been missing from my soul or is it just my unruly wishful thinking?

Are you really the one I should be fighting for or is my heart just too stubborn to give you up?

Am I truly captivated by your light or are you just an obstacle in the way of my rightful brilliance?

Do I let you break my heart over and over because I love you or am I still just yearning for someone to love me?

Am I crazy or am I correct?

Maybe I’ll let you break it again just to make sure
Jul 2020 · 48
Untitled
Alexis Jul 2020
an exclamation
you claim your love is so grand
but it hurts the most

you yearn for grip
tightest on me for control
scared to be alone

above all others
their mistakes are worse than yours
so you tell yourself

you can fool me once
maybe a few thousand times
but here’s where I part

you can keep my love
for at one point, it was real
but you can’t keep me

hostage in my mind
pleasing one who doesn’t care
nothing is enough

you pretend to care
take everything I give you
but count all I can’t

I’m not what you want
at least you can admit that
although, not to me

please just let me go
losing all my energy
left nearly empty
Jan 2020 · 125
Permanent Hangover
Alexis Jan 2020
my chest is heavy and i just want to be emotional
but i'm not even sure how i feel right now
maybe it's a mix of everything
sadness, longing, loneliness
exhaustion, anxiety, irritation, and fear
like a jungle juice of despair
i can't tell where one ends and another begins
but i know i'll have a headache in the morning
Jan 2020 · 107
ME vs. EVERYTHING
Alexis Jan 2020
How could i feel so empty
yet so simultaneously overwhelmed?
So alone in the middle of a thousand people
but shudder at the thought of truly being seen

A melancholic wanderer, slightly misguided
and significantly misunderstood
drifting through a world where “quiet” means invisible
and being invisible means all I’ll ever have is myself.
Sep 2019 · 651
Longest Year Ever
Alexis Sep 2019
these days are long and the seasons seem to drag
this year has me trapped beneath her grip

friends are only friends to your face
and lovers just love to use you

people only care with their words
as if i could lay my crying head against empty whispers

served slow motion hits to the chest
and taken advantage of time and time again

i've been aching for my heart to heal
anticipating a fresh bloom

and still with three more months to go?
****, it's been a long year
the last few months feel like decades
Sep 2019 · 694
Don’t Forget
Alexis Sep 2019
for you being the only one i have to count on
you sure aren’t really there for me lately

maybe my everything isn’t enough for you
and that’s not your fault

but before you count all the things i couldn’t give you
don’t forget the times you took advantage of me too
i hope i’m enough for someone one day
Jul 2019 · 845
why am i like this
Alexis Jul 2019
i hate it when you look at me
like you don’t think i’m weird
like you’re seeing the real me
and it doesn’t scare you

but that scares me
Alexis Jun 2019
it seems i do this to myself again and again
an inevitable desire for something i can’t have
this time, it’s you and your eyes
the ones that radiate rich, golden rays
and pierce my skin but i can’t look away
i wish you wouldn’t look away
Alexis Apr 2019
I’m not easily broken, but you really cut me down a notch. You led me up a tall cliff with the "I love you’s" and the "what would I do without you’s" and then you pushed me off the edge. I didn’t even have time to catch my breath as I watched you shrink away. Now here I am back at the bottom, in a pit of broken trust and low expectations. Another hole punched in my paper heart.
Mar 2019 · 148
Lately
Alexis Mar 2019
Lately I just want to be alone and curl up into a big sad ball, but even a ball could roll out of bed. So I guess I’m more like a sad puddle that most people avoid until they step on me and suddenly it’s my fault they weren’t paying attention. That’s what it seems like anyway. Like I’ll always be in the way and all I give will never be enough.
Feb 2019 · 121
Untitled
Alexis Feb 2019
why do i feel so empty no matter what i do
i’ve become a hopeless void that endlessly consumes
and nothing satiates or seems to get me through
forever faced with a sense of impending doom

i wish i could be good enough for someone
i’ve been cracked and bruised by every hit and run
held together by a thread, i’m nearly coming undone
left to dangle lonely beneath a careless sun
Feb 2019 · 258
panic
Alexis Feb 2019
shaking hands and shallow breaths
choking on self inflicted tears
drowning in thoughts of yesterday
fearing i'm not worth tomorrow

a brain dead nothing
aimless with nowhere to be
lost in the madness of my mind
eaten alive from the inside
Jan 2019 · 310
Family Time
Alexis Jan 2019
gathered  t o  g e  t h e r
don’t you feel the  c o n   n e c t  i o   n?
side by side so  c l   o s  e
close in proximity but not so much else these days
Dec 2018 · 520
when the sun goes down
Alexis Dec 2018
safe inside soft shades
a cotton candy caress
dissolved to darkness

crisp chills come creeping
goosebumps gather on my skin
stars scream in the sky

i'll call it a night
lying lonely, hit the lights
somber 'til sunrise
Nov 2018 · 283
Waste of Space?
Alexis Nov 2018
strolling empty streets
indifferent where they'll lead me
i'll never belong

awake while they sleep
pretend like i don't exist
hidden from drained eyes

small as possible
don't let them catch me breathing
wasting oxygen
i've been feeling like i'm just in the way lately taking up space, even around my friends that say they want me around.
Nov 2018 · 583
I've Been Thinking
Alexis Nov 2018
one thought, two thoughts
three thoughts, four
lately i've been thinking
what am i even good for?

five thoughts, six thoughts
and many more to follow
i forgot what being happy is like
what a hard pill to swallow

ten thoughts, twenty thoughts
then the room starts to spin
where do i even start
will my life ever begin?

happy thoughts, happy thoughts
at least that's what i tell myself
but sometimes it doesn't work
and i can't turn to anyone else

big thoughts, little thoughts
thrown around my head
screaming, overwhelming, and telling me
"you're better off dead"

now inhale, then exhale
just hope that the pain starts shrinking
i don't mean for any of this to worry you
it's just that i've been thinking
when it rains, it pours
Nov 2018 · 142
asdfghjkl;
Alexis Nov 2018
what doesn't **** me
makes me really wish it did
Oct 2018 · 370
Dear Roommate
Alexis Oct 2018
My name drips perfectly off your tongue,
sweet like my morning coffee.

And when your eyes meet mine,
I see an electric ocean skyline
almost as beautiful as the rest of you.

Alluring like a siren's song
when you say "I love you."
Oct 2018 · 475
#2
Alexis Oct 2018
#2
Brought back to life by your electric impact

Our hands entwined felt like home

Your eager lips would collide intensely with mine

Sending all my thoughts into space

I let you trace secret messages across my body

With the intoxicating touch of your tender fingertips

But it turns out I wasn't the only one you shared your secrets with
sometimes you open up and give everything to someone and it's still not enough.
Sep 2018 · 471
sleepytime saturday
Alexis Sep 2018
late night, sun rising
guess i haven't slept again
a crisp morning dew

fall's hushed announcement
a gracious breeze heaves warm hues
then settles again

it might rain today
perhaps the perfect soundtrack
deep sleep through my woes
Sep 2018 · 172
Morning Mentality
Alexis Sep 2018
these demons are sprinting circles in my head
creating whirlwinds of doubt and self sabotage
annihilation of all things i used to love
and things i used to be

crumbling through the years of an invisible war
begging that one day i could just disappear
quietly dissolve into thin air
free fall into a black hole where i belong
Sep 2018 · 2.2k
Quiet Demons
Alexis Sep 2018
i try to tell you how i feel                                                          
       ­                                                   YOU SAID WHAT TALK LOUDER, I
                                                                ­                         CAN'T HEAR YOU
i said it's hard, i'm just struggling     
                                                          YO­U SAID PULL YOUR HEAD OUT
                                                                ­OF YOUR ***, GET YOUR ****
                                                                ­                                      TOGETHER
i said i'm trying
                                                             YOU SAID I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
i said i don't have motivation to, i feel
hopeless                      
                                                                ­          YOU SAID FIGURE IT OUT
i said you don't listen to me
                                                         YOU SAID STOP MUMBLING WHAT
                                                                ­                                 DID YOU SAY
i said i'm just sad, i hate living
                                                        YOU SAID LIFE'S NOT FAIR, I DON'T
                                                                ­        KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU
i said i don't get it either, but i'm
trying
                                                         ­ YOU SAID OKAY BUT YOUR EYES
                                                    SAID THEY STILL DON'T BELIEVE ME
my heart said i'm sorry
                                                   YOUR NOW EMPTY TEQUILA BOTTLE
                                                              SA­ID THIS DISCUSSION IS OVER
i said good night
                                                           ­                  YOU SAID GOOD NIGHT
my eyes cried i'm worthless and my bed
screamed stay here forever
                                                         YOUR SNORING FROM DOWN THE
                                                      HALL SAID YOU WON'T REMEMBER
                                                                ­                THIS IN THE MORNING
my anxiety captures me and whispers
remember this forever
basically a mash up of conversations with my dad
Sep 2018 · 524
STAY AWAY (or else)
Alexis Sep 2018
STAY AWAY!
              
             Or else I'll fall for your smile
                          
                          Or else I'll get used to the way the corners of your eyes
                          crinkle when you laugh at the lamest joke I could tell you
                                    
                        ­             Or else I'll find out that you hate tomatoes but spaghetti
                                      is one of your favorite foods
                                                
                                                 Or else it'll be embedded in my brain forever
                                                 that for some reason you hate the color yellow
                                                 and I'll never know why

STAY AWAY!
              
              Or else my friends will start asking me where you've been after I
              invited you over to hang out for the first time
                          
                           Or else we'll find "our spot" that I'll drive by every other day
                           and always remember how good that summer was

                                      Or else I'll show you one of my favorite songs that'll
                                      turn into one of your favorite songs and you'll thank
                                      me for it

                                                    Or else I'll hang up the pictures of us in my
                                                    room and every time I see them I'll smile and
                                                    be thankful I have you around

STAY AWAY!

              Or else I'll love you

                         Or else I'll give so many pieces of myself to
                         help you
                                    
                                      Or else I'll think you feel the same way

                                                   Or else I'll think that you care

                                  
                            ­     S    T     A    Y           A    W    A     Y 
                                
                               Or else you'll have a chance to leave me
It seems like I'm losing all my closest friends and I'm scared to get close to new people.
Sep 2018 · 2.2k
It's Not You, It's Me
Alexis Sep 2018
How do you write about love if you've never been there before?
Been there; as if it were a place. As if love were an X on a copy of a treasure map that seems to be in everyone's back pocket but mine. I've heard stories about people that have found it. Visited or even planted themselves there. They often speak of the warmth that envelops them. Talk of a wholeness. Complete. Brave, bold together against the world. And where am I? My own little corner of the world kept cold and still. Frozen over by my own mistakes and insecurities. Sure, some people stop, but not for long. As if anyone would choose to brave the chill longer than they have to on their way to where they really want to be.
And how could I blame them?
Sep 2018 · 113
Catch 22
Alexis Sep 2018
when i start to cry
i think of things that i love

then i wonder
why they're never enough to make me want to stay

when i think of things that i love
i start to cry
Sep 2018 · 207
The Cheapest Tragedy
Alexis Sep 2018
Heartbreak in the form of a crystal
The cheap kind
No, not the kind we drank kool aid from
On 113 degree afternoons
Cheaper than the cigarettes we smoked
And the trips we'd take
Yet it's cost me so much
You made excuses for the damage
Like it affected no one but you
It's shattered and cut us apart
You're running a thousand miles ahead of me
I don't think I can catch you
You left me behind in your clouded memory
How do I get back from here?
Now what do I do without you?
about losing a friend to drugs
Sep 2018 · 136
Pull My Strings
Alexis Sep 2018
pull my strings
keep me from floating away
not sure if you can hear me
but my heart has something to say

i’m not asking for everything
i just need a piece of you
your love, your laugh
anything i can cling to

i’ve been hanging by a thread
hurry, reach out your hand
it’s a long fall beneath me
nowhere a safe place to land

lead me through the darkness
push me into the light
find me before i lose myself
gone in the dead of the night

hold me in your arms
please don’t let me go
if i don’t have you today
you won’t have me tomorrow
Sep 2018 · 314
Who Am I?
Alexis Sep 2018
i’m watching me be here
just be; floating
i’m watching me watching
and i feel nothing

my body is cold
but my head is hot
melting my brain
pouring through my mossy eyes

what am i doing here
she doesn’t look like me
a carcass brimful
nothing of mine

divided mind from body
frozen in blurry vision
a universe away
i mourn for peace
i wrote this in my statistics class while i was dissociating during a panic attack.
Sep 2018 · 347
Melancholy Woods
Alexis Sep 2018
melancholy woods
sadness whisps between branches
anger shakes the ground

leaves; pieces of me
forth and back to the bottom
shrivel and shatter

decomposition
my mind, my heart, my body
sun sets above me

forest in the dark
sinking beneath quiet stars
last light in my eyes

weightless atmosphere
a bed of serenity
inhale, new again
Sep 2018 · 308
Far Away
Alexis Sep 2018
my room feels empty
or maybe that’s just me
i feel empty a lot
and by “feel” empty i mean
i don’t feel much of anything at all
i’m just cold
i’m cold because
we’re coming up on winter soon
and i’m alone
i’m alone in my room
and far away from motivation but
submerged in hopelessness
i’m far away from feeling
like i need to be here
and i’m far away from feeling
like anyone wants to
save me
Sep 2018 · 188
Colors
Alexis Sep 2018
my favorite color is orange
like the sun against the evening sky
the evenings we spent together
golden in my memory

your eyes were blue
like my favorite memories of the ocean
skin soft the like sand
my flesh hasn’t felt in years

the grass is green
where i lay my head and remember you
alone in the breeze
that somehow brings your scent to me

i see in red
like the blood you spilled from my heart
warm under the tears
that drown me in my nightmares

darkened; deep black
the pit you left in my chest
the true colors exposed
a love that wasn’t meant to last

— The End —