what am I waiting for
what keeps me here
what keeps me addicted to the heavy feeling in my chest
or the tears rolling down my face

it is hope
that is one I have not lost yet
though at times
I wish I had

the love that plays with me like a kitten
tangles me up in yarn
and presses its wet nose against mine

how tempting it can be
when surrounded by foggy windows and melting hearts
you receive an invitation
to a place
you think
love can live without bounds
and blossom without worry

i can watch you sleep for hours
feel the silent love
the love i know you can only give without knowing
how to give
i blossom into something more understanding
more patient
i am creative and i can see between the lines
but i cant decide if this is real
or fantasy

my mind is the messiest plate of food
matching my chaotic home
i have it together i have it together i have it together

i learn a lot about myself
through you
i don't like to be a spectacle
but for you
i want to be every word bouncing across the page
each spec of light that makes its way into your big-ones
maybe even
a time or a two
the one who makes your heart race
or eyes water
i lay cocooned
waiting for something
waiting for you to notice me
but
you're lying right beside me

throw me away like a carton of bad eggs
and rip me off like the hanging thread on your sweater
I've melted too many times under the heat of your being
scrape me off the plate like i'm nothing
(except for maybe the really nice bits)
and toss me like yesterdays paper
eat me in the morning
and spit me back out at night
it doesn't matter
because like the girl at the bus stop on Tuesdays
like the man in search of the answers to todays puzzle
I will always be waiting

I've lived too many times
under the deep mahogany smoke of your breath
i've let it wiggle its way into me
in through each which way
my nose and ears and even some through my belly button
every hour of every day
I've danced under sprinkles of your batting eyelashes
inviting you to join
in dresses red and ******* grey and too often ******* off
through the presence of moon after moon
I've rolled and then melted in the blankets you lay
from everything i understand of you
to everything i never will
you wake me and rinse me in the morning
and fold and close me like a special book in the night
i will always swim home to you

i sit in my car
Waiting at the same red light as yesterday and probably tomorrow
and my chest actually hurts
feels churned over like butter
(though usually when i speak of butter it's in good light)
i'm in the jungle in the woods in the ocean but no matter what i'm me
that's a hard thing to realize
over and over again in the same moment
"hold onto something"
when my chest hurts so bad my heart has no room to live

the light finally turns
no more anticipating
I can finally breathe again

i want to wake up
in the tiny jar of sugar
back in the dusty corner
of a wooden cabinet
at a nice pizza place
i want to be added to a bowl of oats
when someone needs an extra spoonful
i want to taste sweet and just right

now i spit it all out
real words float off my tongue
drenched and heavy with happiness
they fill the room with comfortable thick air
i know it because i feel it
my words dance around
first circling my body
then clacking along the hard white floor
until they reach the stubble on your chin
and nudge you gently, but persistently
like a kitten might
they beg you to play
to breathe
to love

my words have been dancing for so long
they run in circles
and entertain themselves
for the sake of them
and you
but they tire
and my chest aches from their heavy haul

it may feel good to get tangled up in his yarn
and eat off of him
like a saucer
but before you know it
he's the ******* dog
with not much to say
and heavy footsteps
walking out your door

now i can only perch on the inside window
and let the seconds run like minutes and the minutes like hours
a pink nose against the glass
and a meow
when all the black dogs pass

the mean streets bid me ado as i waddle
waddle waddle
up the twirly stairs to my girlfriends house
down the rickety ones to my boyfriends
Alas! a girl with bop-it stops me mid way
i thought maybe she wanted some of my cigarette
but of course
this twisted  little one had nightmares pouring out her ears
today
on the mean streets
i met satan
and she's a pretty little girl
with a lot to say

poetry left me the day you did
wagging your tail
and sniffing your way out the door

but it came back
the day a sweet little kitten
with tastebuds the same as i
peered through my window
and meowed at me
to come out and play

books give me art
kisses give me art
art thou not daddling and dabbling and doobling
in and around with
all these weird juices in my brain?
squeezing out the extras
like the last of the soup?
i see little wood animals jumping in the puddles
and leaving colored feetsprints all over the walls

but all i can hear is you

big round ***
to fit a hand
or maybe to eat
              breakfast off of
mom would be
so ashamed to see I
ended a sentence
with a preposition

i didn't write since you were here
i wanted to eat a million maggots
and pull my hair out of my scalp
my cup is full and overflows with hate
not a flower in my hair
or a writing on my wall
gave my brain a rest
like an injured moth
i lay here on the floor
and i don't want saved
especially
not by you

the four-day-old stubble really gets to me
especially
when its rubbing against my neck as i fall asleep
i want to melt in it
like butter
turn into buttery soup
buttery alphabet soup
and spell out what i can't spit out

feeling good and feeling feelings and kissing boys and daytime dreaming

i am the at the bottom of the bucket
waiting for you to make your way to me
and pick
me
up

boys seem to be much riper
and ready to eat
after i've buttered them up a little bit
maybe with a cheap beer
a little nudge on the stomach
a lesson on spell-checking

"take off yours first" he yells

(my bottoms are off before he finishes)

i guess i like the boys the will play games with me
and laugh when i tell a joke or don't tell a joke
and don't mind when i shake my *** all up in the air

he will ask me to see who can get undressed the quickest

and i wade in a lake
already naked

i like that deep truth of a person
when they're silently counting on their fingers the boys they've kissed
or when they look at an ant for a while
and follow it across the table

when anyone really really smiles
i am so happy
and they are so beautiful

jumping puddles in my consciousness
marshmallow ground upside-down and i'm lost in this
brought with this
made for this
wake up with a smile and scrambled eggs because i'm baking ****
i'm baked as ****
looking at her ****
just waiting for a hit
i wanna lick her lips
and close my eyes until i'm bit

sitting on the floor i think about all the pretty girls
(and prettier boys)
and the mouths that i've tasted

there was my sweet chum
with his sloppy lips
who left me wiping my mouth off for days
and turned my brain into cupcake batter

i had my boyish lady friend
who helped me figure out who i was
with her subtle hands
and her thin lips
with thick emotions
and even thicker passion

there was the boy from down the road
who turned me into an animal
with his claws and fangs and grip on my thighs
those kisses weren't kisses
but i liked them the same

i can't forget the one i loved
with the familiar mouth
of a friend and a playmate
and a lover all in one
i don't want them anymore
but they stay locked up in the corners of my brain

i also had a dancing fellow
who sang and moved and explored
with an always-smile on his face
and whistled when he walked
his kisses tasted like sweet butter
and he would never **** a spider
that's one i won't let go

is it cute if i twirl my hair on my fingers
and talk at you with a sass in my lip
and tell you i think you're intimidating when you're the boss?
tell me how it's cute how i puff my cigarettes
and kick my feet in the rocks
and maybe
when you get tired of telling me
you can show me how cute i am
and how cute you can be
with eyes closed
and bums spanked

We could talk about how much i hate my fickle and confused brain
how it hows
how it speeds up when it should slow down
like A ******* cat
how it cries for itself
like a ******* saint
we all forgot about

my brain feeds on eggs and lust
it's so hungry but when it finally gets fed it doesn't ******* want it anymore
what the ****?

a company of two
a company with you
is much too much
a worn out sole of a shoe

a brute
a beast
(a being of fear)
fiend
for a snack
-- and a midday's' beer
first breakfast (second breakfast) (third breakfast) (four)
hide behind curtains
at the knock of your door

i don't like bad things
but i will date the devil
if he spanks and growls

Leo tolstoy wakes me up
when he tells me about snakes and lizards and flies

somebody new brings me to breakfast
and she buys me pancakes and orange juice and happiness

a young boy joins me in a walk to the co-op
and he holds my hand and teaches me how to be quiet

i am alone for lunch

a creature with three legs but pretty eyes drives me home
and he teaches me about love and empathy and trust

a man in a long coat throws a frisbee with me in the park
the wind on my face is littered with freedom and nice words

an old friend takes me to dinner
and she enlightens me on goodness

a handsome lad falls asleep with me in my bed
and dreams of ours tickle me throughout the night

my tiny lake-pool of subconsciousness
invites me to swim

so i jump in
and i pass all the brutes and one-legged monsters
and politicians with sweaty hands
all the unlocked doors with mysteries behind them
and half-smoked cigarettes from
everybody i ever cared about

it is very nice to smoke a blunt with a boy
(or a man)
who knows all the US presidents
and not to lip the tip
and can spell necessary without having to look it up

but still
i will leave even that
for a nice dip
in the rushing waters
past the filing cabinets of my brain
where the gypsies enter
and the beatniks roam

i lay still
and let the ants of yesterday and tomorrow crawl up my legs
and the pants of today's message
breathe freely down my neck
the best moment of my life
i was floating
and so grounded
at the same time

there's a parade full of biggs and goblins and bums
there's a shelf in the corner with gins and rums

there's a bite in the cake, where the sweetness lay
there's a bite in my throat, where the lord fangs prey

there's a fairy who sits and never tells
there's a boy who's been sent to all seven hells

there's big ears and hairy arms and floppy feet
and there's upside-down heads and kisses where the lips meet

sunlight tickles me in the jungle-wood
and smoking men and nice girls find me with eyes closed
i am quickly hungry and irate for blunts and breakfast

unnamed purrs drip down my throat
where the fangs sleep
slick scotches skip skillfully sharp
and beastie boys know how to kick it live

calamity and chaos and whos and whats
I am a girl who doesn't know what to wish for on her birthday
I am a boy and my dad wants me to throw the baseball harder

when falling asleep isn't enough
i fall deeper
and down a hole
A real hole
It is in my bed

My bed opens up right in the middle,
into black

I swirl down it and i pass
plankton
and sugar and lions
Oh my

I fall right down but i don't land in a room where i am too big
i land right on squishy moss
and there's little tiny's
and little fairies
and they sprinkle dust on me
and put some on my tongue

Next thing i know
I wake up
and everything is my friend

crooked teeth but pretty lips biting into a sweet slice of cheesecake
that sounds good
i will do that
when takers become givers
and old men stop snoring and
bus 39 stops being late
old ladies with young problems like to crochet
and sad men do comedy
faces in the sheets and ceilings and clouds and even
in    between
my legs
get lost in the abyss of strange
in my delicate brain
and ashed-on layers

i swear i could take a bite out of you

i can't wait to smoke a fat blunt with you
it makes me happy it makes me happy it makes me happy
it gets me loose
shake my caboose and sip on the goose
smoke bits make me shifted and
light lips get me lifted
waking up is beautiful

Alas! a flower blooms
trumble-tods of colors manifest Her mind
sometimes you need to love because you Deserve it
sometimes you need to love because it hurts
She rows a boat in the purple sea of her consciousness
through bits and scary fish and ladies ****
She dives in
in another world, a flower wilts
She is It

science and cereal make my brain big
words and the moon put me to sleep
when it thunders, my mind and body don't feel so separate
I am something I can't describe
i still don't want the pig that wants to be eaten
i want to eat you and Him and Her
sometimes my brain knows what i am going to do before i know it
but I can find it
I can find myself when
my eyes turn into swirls
and each strand of this pale brown hair becomes a singing serpent
Life Feels Weird

maybe when you wake up
after chasing the thunder and
stomping every sugar cake along the way-
you're mushy brain will level out
and your appetite will cultivate
and you will feed on me in the night with the sweet subtlety
of a lost lover
and an insatiable hunger

i purr
purrrrrrr
when you call my name
and put your hands here and there
       (i like it best when you don't ask)
and take handfuls
of your favorite parts
i think my meows
turn you on
and when i shake my behind
you shake your head
little nibbles feed your hunger
but just make me more thirsty
watch out for when i dip my teeth
into your neck  
     my fangs run deep

upstairs and down the hall and through the room to grab a broom
sweep up all the spilled guts and butternuts
that dad forgot to bake
a woman walks in
and her heart stains the carpet
the house smells stinky like fish and sweaty taint
"just hire a pool-boy"
rich people don't know class

i

it is the beautiful subtleties of persons to which i turn when my heart is most troubled and dripping down my organs like wax:

1. the young man with the leather jacket
and big headphones
when he did me a tiny half-smile
and promptly looked at the sidewalk cracks
(eye contact makes me nervous too)

2. "Larry, you **** close to running into a lady, scoot"
(because a little girl in a backpack
matters to a big farmer in overalls)

3. when the lady with the cats and crooked teeth gave me her first strawberry

4. courtesy laughs for Professor John

5. the old lady at the park (every morning at 9:00) who lets her dog
really
stop and smell the flowers

6. the hug from the smelly, long haired boy
whose car i backed up into
"it's no big deal," he said
(and a girl who didn't like being embraced, loved being embraced)

when the world sinks its teeth into my neck
beautiful unnamed faces flash into my mind
and my atmosphere is clean
and i am brimming with gratitude

if you wake before i do
and leap through the window of reality
away from the rabbits that talk colors
the ever-changing shapes of this and that-
and the upside-down house where the ladies practice dancing
feel free to finish the cereal
and leave the door hanging wide open

i hate to share my bed
and i don't like to be woken up

little girl where are you
are you back hiding in the closet
picking beads out of the carpet
and humming
harboring James the bear under your arm?

little girl why won't you answer me
were you hypnotized by the silent spirits
all dancing-singing-playing
and enticed to the back-beyond
where it's too good to leave?

little girl when are you coming back
after the the long winter
and the hard rains
when the nothings have turned into daisies
and the old man stops snoring?

little girl
i only wanted to come with you

i know that all your kisses and your kisses and your kisses
in the rain and in my bed and in your car
pile up and wake me in the mornings
and paint me a curious picture
of a salacious dreamland
and a sweet demise

feel not, want not, oh
we live a great fantasy
you and juicy tastes

in my dreams
i am an animal with claws and fangs and degree of sorcery and charm comparable to that of the sweetest witch you never knew

the allurement of my radiation enough to butter up even a sad, coarse piece of sandpaper like you
and lead you to my web of delusion
willingly
where i tangle and untangle you
until your bones are soup
and your clothes are off

in my dreams i am a menacing night-creature
and in real life
i am the dishes in the sink

sometimes it tickles when you say a word like
"cheesed"
or "shmuck"
and i want to pull you right out of your dirt saturated overalls
and plant a fat one on your cheek
as deep as the roots
of all the goods that you have taught me to plant

i'll sweep after you
with specks of your scattered dirt
marking my insides