i used to listen to you speak of icarus
your eyes would widen
with fascination and fire
as the myth reemerged in your memory
you spoke to me
with every syllable so delicately selected
and i would listen to you
awestruck by the way
you taught me your historic tales
you made time stop
while letting me experience
what felt like an eternity of bliss
in your sunlight
you crafted your word with your heart
and used your voice as it's vessel  
and i would sit there dumbfounded
so pleasantly paralyzed
by the pure passion
behind every single breath
that you spoke to me softly
each and every last one
of those nights we shared
your sunlight never failed to shine
no matter how dark
the settings of your stories were
but i remember
the feeling in my gut that day
the day i truly understood your passion
for that one tale
i'd still beg to hear you tell to me once more
it was the day you told me
i flew too close to the sun for your comfort
but when i soared through our sky
i melted so effortlessly into your sunset
but you believed my wings
were too close to your flames
so as i basked in the rays of your sunlight
you to pushed me away from them
so that i'd fall and crash
into the ocean right below me
your attempts to cool off
the burns that never were
you were petrified i'd be scolded but now
i've been swallowed by a sea of sorrow
and the lonely stars of the night sky
so frigidly cold
without your hearts heat
to keep me warm
i know you wanted to save me
from bearing the fate of icarus
but the only thing that's burning
is the hate that i hold now
for this rendition and how
i feel i'm farther from the sun
than the day i first dreamt to reach it

i will no longer allow myself
to lose my soul
in attempts of assisting you in finding
what i've been made to believe is
your sanity
i've spent too many nights
racing through your mental labyrinth
only to turn around and realize
you were never running beside me
the second i stepped foot into your maze
you locked the door behind me
and you had already obtained
everything
you could have ever desired
and more
you watched me sprint suicides in circles
my attempts to mend every crack
in your walls
using only the select parts of me
you craved, relied on, and would accept
you guilted and intoxicated me
every time i tried to say no to you
you exploited me and my entire body
for your entertainment and your pleasure
then boasted and smirked
over all the pain you inflicted on me
with a whole world i once knew
knowing i could never return the same without the reminder of everything
that you did to me
no matter how much you clawed out of me
i was never enough in your eyes
months later,
i still think i may have left a piece
of my being in there
after needing to use
my own bones,
the last piece of myself i clung to in there,
as a ladder
to finally get out of there
and rescue myself
i had to save what i had left for my survival
and if you ever truly loved me
the way you said you did
i hope you can understand

self harm, deprivation, and sabotage
to me
its an act of balance
it cancels out any good
that has made me feel blessed
with with the things i truly feel
are what i deserve
so that there's no more guilt
running through my veins