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Jul 2023 · 513
Empty
B Chapman Jul 2023
It feels infinite, all the things from me that were stolen-
Words torn from my tongue and twisted into weapons,
Endearments and poetry that are now wounds left open,
Dignity and emotion, the vulnerability in a simple smile,
The safety of a quiet laugh, not knowing if it will awaken jealous wrath,
Years of effort, begging, threats, promises, broken screams and glass,
The ability to trust even the gentles touch,
All the versions of myself I wished to be,
The energy to fill the empty shell that is me.
Jul 2023 · 305
Bleed Out
B Chapman Jul 2023
I’ll never forgive
Not just the moments
But the way you made me relive every one of them.
How after all this time I’m forced to claw open the shining scars,
Bleed it back out,
Dive into wounds my mind had closed off,
Drown again,
Become that victim I always swore I’d never be
But had always been.
I’ll never forgive the way, after all this time,
You can still make me bleed,
Make me seethe,
And feel so small.
Make my mind curl against the agony
When all I asked for was you,
But you weren’t real.
I found only a monster behind the bull.
I may never earn love
But I know I never earned this.
Jul 2021 · 108
Stained Satin
B Chapman Jul 2021
I'm warped and twisted,
Laid bare across sharp edges,
Knees torn open,
Kissing your ****** knuckles.
I wear your hand around my throat
Like a satin bow.
Tighten the ribbon,
And never let go.
Jan 2021 · 130
And Again...
B Chapman Jan 2021
So many times throughout the day,
The pain supercedes even the brightest of moments,
And screams catch in my lungs as my smile freezes,
And tears jump to my eyes as I fight to breathe,
But I do,
and it quakes,
and I grow numb for a moment,
Sure that I'm dying,
And nobody knows it.
The moment passes into a dull, familiar ache,
And the tears fall again,
Just to be wiped away.
The fear grows cold and solidifies again,
As I promise myself I won't give up,
When I want to give in.
Jan 2021 · 136
Reckless Burning
B Chapman Jan 2021
I'll be the gasoline and the match,
You can be the bridge and the water below,
My laughter comes quick,
And death burns slow.
Jan 2021 · 102
Debilitated
B Chapman Jan 2021
Depleted and tired of pleading,
Unfocused and incapable,
Simultaneous logical advocating.
Sustaining for minutes and moments,
But time is always so fleeting.
Laughter dying on my lips,
before pain and a grimace.
Promises and answers whispered,
Hope swelling but bursting so quickly.
Scars and burns on my skin,
Attempting to calm the agony within.
And tumbling, always falling, never finding the ground,
But when I do,
Will it crush me?
Or will I hit water and drown?
Jan 2021 · 123
Venus in Capricorn
B Chapman Jan 2021
I have to stop falling in love with strangers,
The way their smile slides into view so slow,
When they call me beautiful in sign language and don’t realize I know.
When they leap past, dressed in all black,
Their own cryptic, creeping steps and clinging to the shadows- midnight at noon.
Scowls and imploring eyes and fists itching for my throat,
Teeth sinking into tongues and lips, grasping desperately for control.
Confused if it was their gasp or my own when the light catches just right,
Nervous laughter as they mention wives before a disappointed sigh.
Fantasy and fiction churning real beings into metallic dreams,
Magnetic storms at their energy,
a missed soul connection,
and Shadow Knights.
Jan 2021 · 242
Charming
B Chapman Jan 2021
I feel most alive
Standing on the edge
Singing for death-
A siren of the dark.
Jan 2021 · 232
MGDLM2
B Chapman Jan 2021
"Why do you look so ******* happy?"

Because that's the way they like me,

But to be fair, I do too.

I love feeling pretty in pink

With pastels and fragile florals,

But I am endless and vast

And equally crave the taste of metal

With the bite of blood.

I want my white roses pristine and velvet

Hugged by black leather,

Stained in crimson,

Studded and cold.

Because I am all of these things-

Careless and gentle,

Cold and yielding,

Pristine and dripping venom.

I am balanced and infinite

And thrive swinging on these scales.
Jul 2019 · 150
Escape to Drown
B Chapman Jul 2019
I don't want to go back.

My hands cover my ears,
pressing, pleading.

Nails break on my scalp,
digging, wrenching.

Blocking out the sounds,
screaming, crashing.

My mind fills with wails,
feral, deafening.

The bathtub embraces me,
cold, empty.

I can't unfold my body,
crushed, quaking.

I can't accept this reality,
toxic, devestating.

I don't want to breathe,
To rise, turn on the light,

Open that door,
Return to someone else's madness.

I'll just... stay here.
Feb 2019 · 292
From Lover to Last Meal
B Chapman Feb 2019
I had it all-
a touch of faith,
your hands on mine,
Our love the sweetest taste.

Your warmth began to freeze, 
your hands strangled,
milking the last of my hope,
every drop of life,

and I was lost.
Reflections shattered and scattered.
In a single instant I grew,
my innocence mangled.

Your secrets trapped my tongue,
making them my own,
unable to utter a sentence,
unable to mourn.

You never changed,
I never tried to make you.
You simply didn't grow.
My rhythm slowly withered,

your grip suffocated,
my affection a complex addiction.
My black and white,
stained in red,

indistinguishable and spreading-
consuming.
Interest fading
Into superficial persecution.

Taking the place of something
Infinite yet indefinite,
Beyond our understanding.
Worship tastes like servitude.

Lust becomes a synonomn
For mercy,
Love is simply a syllable,
And all we do is doubt.

Doubt if we're enough,
Together or separate,
Fulfillment a fairytale
Tarnished by simple maturity.

Tenderness is an inconvenience,
*** a chore ,
With a seizing heart
And grief tinted lips.

I can't keep exhaling,
And praying you'll be
My holy resource,
When your love was never pure.
Dec 2018 · 237
Again and Again
B Chapman Dec 2018
Some are easy to love,
I'm just easy to leave,
Easy to forget,
As though I don't exist.

I keep holding on,
As hope pulls away,
Burning my hands like rope,
Failing against the pain.

I'm drained from this battle,
I was never worth the fight.
When they walk away
They ask why I don't cry.

My heart bleeding in my throat,
A fist clenched in my gut,
A cigarette to my lips,
I'm so tired of being burnt.

The story always changes
but never my ending.
Left alone with the fragments
of a shattered, glass heart.
Oct 2018 · 175
Embers
B Chapman Oct 2018
Vile tongue ,
thorned fingers,
Destruction
Of all I cherish.

Poisoned heart,
Tar-like thoughts,
Dripping stains,
While burning bridges.

Losing myself,
This cracked spirit.
A blessing for them
I'm smoldering out.
Sep 2018 · 1.0k
Make Me
B Chapman Sep 2018
Make me feel
Beyond my measure.
Pierce the brittle stone
I refuse to surrender.

Crumbling as the surge
Pushes against the levee.
Knees cracking, spine snapping
Bowing beneath the pressure.

A tiny *****
Just enough to feel
enough to breathe
And hear my own gasp rattle.

Strength and weakness
Gun powder and snow
Grief and mourning
The grip of twisted souls.

The feeling of hands
I should have never known.
The lack of love
under which I could have grown.

Treasured life flushed down a pipe
Lewd acts in the day instead of night.
Paying the bills one ****** at a time
But they're never mine.

Jealousy and rage
Dancing with my own darkness
A complicated waltz
As death patiently watches.

Bleed out the pain
Only for it to fill me once more.
Snort it away
Coming down is always so hard.

Cling to the veil
The concrete protection
Afraid to break it away
And succumb to divine destruction.
Sep 2018 · 3.4k
Bite My Tongue
B Chapman Sep 2018
Cradling and pacifying,
A gift for enabling narcissism,
Wiping tears and standing strong
Even as the bellows break my spirit.

Never rising
Without repercussions,
Manipulations and invalidations,
Demands for constant zombification.

Fingers inching for cherished blades
Obedience taste bitter.
I should have learned to be docile,
To know when to wither.

Instead I was born with poison
Pumping through my veins,
Chaos in my brain,
And wear wrath as a crown.
Jul 2018 · 317
Just Stop
B Chapman Jul 2018
Do they see the insanity
hidden in my eyes?
Does instability consume their brain
the way it does mine?

I won't put the gun in my mouth,
I don't care how a bullet might taste.
I'd put it to my head,
that's where the problems play.

I can't pull the knife across my wrists,
I'd become enamored by the red.
I won't plunge the blade into my chest,
my heart is my son's, always his.

But I need to escape my head.
I can't continue just to exist,
detached but for moments.
there's no drug capable of healing
     this.
Jul 2018 · 611
My Poison
B Chapman Jul 2018
Lifeless fire and smoldering embers
in her eyes of unborn moons.
Hair that tumbles and strangles,
rolling in whispers of thunder.

Crawl into her mouth
so she can swallow you whole.
Pray that you sink
into her inky soul.

Withering to ash
in the echo of her laugh,
grateful you ever lived
wrapped in her wrath.

Rest between her lips,
dying for a kiss.
Give her it all,
weeping in bliss.
Jun 2018 · 214
Into and Under
B Chapman Jun 2018
Slipping into the inky black well.
The fanged darkness,
my cherished abyss.
I never know
if I'll come back up.
I do know
That I don't care.
Some call it madness.
I call it Home.
May 2018 · 877
Tiesa
B Chapman May 2018
Murky water I won't try to fight
A pinpoint hole
through which dark meets light

The somber mother of truth
Choosing this oppression
Destruction of a perfect conception

Cringing away from the touch of love
Rattling my bones
for what I don't deserve

Impossible consequences
For saying 'no'
to a God.
Mar 2018 · 476
Only a Decade
B Chapman Mar 2018
A million memories
Folded into the time
From youth and rage
To parents with wrinkled eyes.

Mistakes and celebrations
Joy and separations
Loss and superstition
Grief and new beginnings.

From Jack and coke
To green and candy
Diamonds and rings
New life in a tiny being

The white rabbit man
The strays and their pets
With questionable morals
Our karma resets.

So many regrets
A few were you
Too many obstacles
But together we jumped through.
Mar 2018 · 522
William
B Chapman Mar 2018
I penned your life,
sketched your face,
gave you breath,
and stole it away.

With the opening line
I knew where you ended.
I twisted your soul.
You believed you could fix it

I could feel your hair,
see the tears in your eyes,
taste your hope,
as I fed you with lies.

You're as real as a thought
and I am your God.
Am I so cruel
when I let you be loved?

Your fate is not so harsh.
I let you hold her hand,
but only through the veil
once I allowed death to descend
Mar 2018 · 434
Never Dance on Clouds
B Chapman Mar 2018
Fingertips racing with my pulse
Soft skin and feral cries
Distancing thoughts
As my mind unwinds

Dampened skin
The taste of lust
The prayer of my name
On your tongue

The long sip of water
After the crash into bliss
You stroking my hair
With a goodnight kiss

My knuckles in your ribs
Because **** you snore
Your head on my chest
My heart tender and sore

The bull against the water
One of us bound to drown
Pride battling stubbornness
Until our light blew out.
Dec 2017 · 402
Bitter
B Chapman Dec 2017
Poverty levels are miles above me.
Haven't eaten for days,
but the child's tummy is happy.
That's all that really matters, right?

Stolen vehicles and slinging to get by,
selling myself and losing my mind
an inch at a time.
But, I'm clean in too many ways.

Greed and snapping jaws trained at me.
Every angle of escape blocked,
this is my Destiny.
I chose the wrong hearts to trust.

I gave a mile.
I lost it all.
Though I want to give up,
I just can't afford to blow.

I'll feign strength and plastered
     happiness.
Block it all like I've done in the past.
One day I'll be blessed with death,
and I'll rejoice in the simple
     emptiness.
Nov 2017 · 302
Appalled
B Chapman Nov 2017
I gave up.
I no longer search,
seeking your approval,
acceptance,
or affection.

I sat bleeding,
panicked,
right before you.
You simply asked
if the blade was okay.
Nov 2017 · 362
Flee
B Chapman Nov 2017
Abondonment is expected
Maybe even created
Self fullfiled prophecy or Destiny?

Exhausted from the rage
Incapable of withstanding this,
Your eternal storm.

Trapped as always
Bound to yet another villain
Growing crueler as I strengthen

I think I forgot how to cry
This well of sadness won't release
Maybe I'll simply disappear tonight
Nov 2017 · 439
Tears on Repeat
B Chapman Nov 2017
You've lost me so many times,
always pleading and tearful,
pulling me back in
with promises of change and love,
promise you never kept.

Rage and deceit bleed in your veins.
Break me and ridicule when I crack.
Laugh and lay on me all blame,
ego tearing through,
ripping our fragile world apart.

Pride and greed stained with jealousy
drilling me deeper into the ground.
Weep as you play our Ressurection.
'I'm worthy of more,'
someone whispers in my head.

Yet if that was true,
wouldn't I have recieved it?
If I was worthy
wouldn't someone have shown it?
I'll always be the perfect victim.
Oct 2017 · 714
Inhuman
B Chapman Oct 2017
Martyr complexes running wild
My own fueling this escape
Ties are charred and crumbling
In their minds I am to blame.

Slave to the lender
Though owed so much
Is this strength
Or is it greed?

Weeping at their feet
Begging for love and acceptance
Invalidated and dismissed
I should have kept my distance.

I am not the Phoenix
Rising from the ashes
I am the flame
An unassuming figure of destruction.

Desperate for survival of spirit
Licking my wounded soul
Never enough to those I trust
Manipulations crease in the fold
Oct 2017 · 2.6k
Me Too
B Chapman Oct 2017
Eight-
In a general store,
the middle of nowhere.
I stared at toys,
oblivious to the stranger too close.
A hand on my backside,
a rub and squeeze.
The cops huffed,
'are you sure it wasn't an accident?'
'Is it really that important?'
Suddenly I knew shame.

Twelve-
Last day of school,
cornered in an empty classroom
by my lifelong bully.
He tore my pink shirt,
grabbed me where Trump would have.
My father helped.
Did what he could.
Told me it wasn't my fault.
But the teacher,
a male who never liked my voice,
groaned in private,
'this will ruin that poor boys life.'
But what about me?

Sixteen-
A class full of people,
feeling pretty as a rare treat.
A boy with a knife
sitting too close,
hand inching up my thigh.
A malicious smile
with a dangerous whisper,
'spread your knees.'
I never told,
It had hardly mattered before.
But that's the last time
I wore a skirt to school.

Eighteen-
The officer taking my prints
made me cringe as he lingered.
His compliments made me shudder
but I told myself I was paranoid.
Leading me to a cell
he offered me a private room
leering as he mentioned
I wouldn't feel alone.
I almost laugh now
at his offer to pay me with juice.
But a year later at the hearing
his lude claims were loud enough
for everyone to hear.
A court room full of people
heard him brag about things
he never did.
Only one person shut him down
without even a word.
Simply a glare of digust
that I was too scared to give.
Oct 2017 · 367
Temporary Peace
B Chapman Oct 2017
The house was quiet,
kid and spouse asleep.
I lit one candle,
a vanilla scent,
melting onto a pickle jar lid.

Moved the toys
Except of course
the squeaky yellow duck.

I filled the tub like a child.
Is there such a thing
as too many bubbles?
I sunk into the scalding bliss,
an ****** for the heart.

I soaked and sighed and giggled,
took a picture of foamy long legs,
and my toes painted red.

A perfect end
to a seemingly unending night
Until I choked on steam and had a panic attack because I couldn't breathe. But hey, it was a great five minutes.
Oct 2017 · 299
Rude
B Chapman Oct 2017
I'm sorry I need
I'm sorry you hate it
I feed Your soul
But I always give
You never reciprocate

I told you I need you
The blades are calling
The pain is building
You said you cared
But rolled over and fell asleep.
Oct 2017 · 313
Anchor
B Chapman Oct 2017
My fingertips dance along your scars,
the ones I made and the ones you
     caused.
'Truth' still shines faintly on your
     wrist,
from the night you lied and threw a
     fit.

This one right here, I stabbed you with
     keys.
You threw me from the porch and
     realized I do bleed.
Years of venom and violence abruptly
     halted,
little eyes and ears blissfully
     disrupted.

Though your tone gets sharp and
     patience short,
and I pray every day to not become
     what we were,
in the quiet when there's only beating
     hearts,
slow breathing and staring into the
     dark,

tracing your scars as my own begin to
     sting,
that passion and pain from the past
     begins to sing,
serenading and calling me home.
Then tiny hands reach and I only hear
     the sweet call of 'mom.'
Oct 2017 · 864
Taurus Whims
B Chapman Oct 2017
Day dreamer
  Fantastical lover
    Lack of logic
      Eyes too vivid
        Shallow morals
      Liquid voice
    Calloused fingers
  Satin skin
    Maim my being
      In just the right way
        Unravel my mind
          Kiss my trauma away
            Bruise my soul
              Watch it bleed in your palm
                Lap at my tears
              But please never console
            Broken promises
          Inky laughs
        Tighten your grip
      I cherish this dance
Oct 2017 · 348
Connected
B Chapman Oct 2017
Three sisters
Two born of full moons
One red and one blue

The third more special
An anomaly to our brood
Arrived with a new moon.

Three points of the triangle
Our dreams weave together
All sewn through

Premonitions are quieted
To anyone outside
But together our visions hold true

The sight of crows
Means something special
Warnings freezing our instincts.

Judged and called crazy
We don't need the world
As long as there remains us three.
Last night I dreamed I was on a dark stage, singing this poem I had yet to write. You'll decide what to accept from it for yourself.
Sep 2017 · 669
Not Obligated
B Chapman Sep 2017
If you're such a nice guy,
why get mad
when I won't let you kiss me?

If you're really so kind,
why feel the need
to announce and repeat it?

If you truly deserved my attention,
why get pushy,
deamaning, and pissy?

If I'm just a superficial *****,
then tell me why
you felt the need to beg for me?

If I owed you a chance,
then why aren't I
branded like property?

No means no.
I'm sure you understand,
since you're obviously such a nice
     man.
Sep 2017 · 375
Enraptured
B Chapman Sep 2017
We danced and played like children,
splashing in puddles and jumping the stream.
Trapped in the curse of our youth,
tangled in kisses and forever spinning.

Neither corrupted for we were already fallen.
Anger and lust pumped through our veins.
You climbed to the top of the tower,
and triumphantly exclaimed-

'I AM GOD!'
Lightening fell from behind,
cupped into your palm,
maniacle and dizzy.

My heart flipped as I stared in awe.
I knew from the start we were toxic.
With that moment engrained in my mind,
I knew I loved you, however tragic.
Sep 2017 · 375
Baby Sister
B Chapman Sep 2017
She claimed to be dying,
I asked to join her.
'I die alone.'
She's just so tired.

I screamed 'together,
Or not at all!'
She collapsed at my feet.
I wish I could carry her.

Take her pain,
eat or bury it,
lift her above,
but I'm just too weak
Sep 2017 · 221
Intangible
B Chapman Sep 2017
I am insignificant.
I am unlovable.
I am the abomination that travels time
     in my mind,
never finding peace of this life.
Reality overwhelms and depletes me
for I am undeserving.
I am nothing.

I am the echo of a mother who had no
     affection,
the image of a grandmother sick and
     divinely twisted,
the mimic of my father and all of his
     masculinity
channeled into the pound of a fist.
I am the heart of this home- empty,
my void filled with self loathing.
Pain.
Suffering.

How do I accept this daily?
How do I find the motivation to use
     my tongue,
to speak out?
How do I climb above what is done to
     me?
I don't.

Happiness was never meant for me.
Love was never to be a piece of my
     future.
I am this,
the ghost that fades through life, touching no one,
hearing everything,
feeling it all.
And I weep.

I weep for what I never had,
but always imagined to be in my
     grasp.
I weep for the loss that is my life.
The suffering.
The abuse.
The constant, dismal dismission.
For that is all I’m worthy of,
this is all I was meant to be.
Nothing.

I am the ghost.
A small poem I wrote while completing a manuscript. It was adjusted into the novel because it not only fit me, but my character.
Sep 2017 · 363
What Did He Expect
B Chapman Sep 2017
Throw an arm over my shoulder
Pull me close as we walk through the
     aisles
Slipping a hand into your back pocket
Lips curved in teasing smiles
Press a kiss to my hair
Profess your love in a whisper
Leave me with dignity at my door
Never realizing I have your wallet.
Sep 2017 · 294
Surviver's Guilt
B Chapman Sep 2017
The one before me
remembers your face.
She still holds the fear
of a child abandoned,
watching a television full of static,
searching for safety,
comforting me because you wouldn't.

I'm blessed not to hold that pain.

The one you left behind a while after
fears a God you never taught loves
     her.
The world is pain and rage in her
     vision.

I was taught so different.

The youngest-
we can't find him.
We follow your path,
assuming it consumed him.
I desperately pray he still possesses
An ounce of faith and innocence.

They don't know a mother's touch.
They've never been rocked with love,
though too old and grown.
They don't connect with a father,
hugged after an explosion and told
'I love you.'

From the same womb as me,
we carry the same blood.
Yet only I
have ever felt loved.

What makes me so much more worthy?
Though all my relationships tend to be toxic, I feel an overwhelming guilt because I know I have more than they do.
Sep 2017 · 449
Free
B Chapman Sep 2017
Cold linoleum and hushed voices,
**** tests and strip searches.
Accept their help or don't make it.
Recondition to become a sheep.

Control yourself, only you can do it.
But don't find relief unless permitted.
It might be your flesh but don't scar it.
Eat these pills but don't enjoy them.

Purge what they don't preach.
Deny your soul a sense of self.
Rely on acceptance and kneel at their
     feet.
Molded into an institution's dream.

Time blurs until your release.
You don't recognize home or scent.
Remain tamed for years to come,
until their chains gratefully come
     undone.

Creature of habit and comfort
slipping back into an old phase.
Relief swells with an epiphany-
Rehabilitation has always been fiction.
This isn't to say rehab doesn't work. If it helped you, that's great.
Sep 2017 · 299
Perfect Weather
B Chapman Sep 2017
Grass sticks to the bottom of my feet.
My head tilts back,
capturing the kisses of rain
as droplets race down my throat.

The foggy glow seeping from the east
softly turns my world into a prism.
Colors dance as rain flashes,
the music of thunder humming to me.

Hands circle my waist as lighting
     strikes.
A whisper in my ear urging to come
     inside.
A tug on my wrist as I reach for the
     sky.
I never wanted to be safe and warm.
Sep 2017 · 464
Let Me Try Saturn
B Chapman Sep 2017
The Earth is my friend
but she's not my mother.
Together we heal and work to mend.

I don't recognize the features of these
  people,
the way they think and react,
their need to destroy to create.

I'm not above,
I'm simply seperate.
A marble among a puzzle.

I stare at the stars
and sincerely feel
I was never meant to be here.
Sep 2017 · 310
Date Night
B Chapman Sep 2017
An empty bottle of *****
A six shooter revolver
Don't fill all the chambers
Darling, we only need two
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