"Why do you look so ******* happy?"

Because that's the way they like me,

But to be fair, I do too.

I love feeling pretty in pink

With pastels and fragile florals,

But I am endless and vast

And equally crave the taste of metal

With the bite of blood.

I want my white roses pristine and velvet

Hugged by black leather,

Stained in crimson,

Studded and cold.

Because I am all of these things-

Careless and gentle,

Cold and yielding,

Pristine and dripping venom.

I am balanced and infinite

And thrive swinging on these scales.

I don't want to go back.

My hands cover my ears,
pressing, pleading.

Nails break on my scalp,
digging, wrenching.

Blocking out the sounds,
screaming, crashing.

My mind fills with wails,
feral, deafening.

The bathtub embraces me,
cold, empty.

I can't unfold my body,
crushed, quaking.

I can't accept this reality,
toxic, devestating.

I don't want to breathe,
To rise, turn on the light,

Open that door,
Return to someone else's madness.

I'll just... stay here.

I had it all-
a touch of faith,
your hands on mine,
Our love the sweetest taste.

Your warmth began to freeze, 
your hands strangled,
milking the last of my hope,
every drop of life,

and I was lost.
Reflections shattered and scattered.
In a single instant I grew,
my innocence mangled.

Your secrets trapped my tongue,
making them my own,
unable to utter a sentence,
unable to mourn.

You never changed,
I never tried to make you.
You simply didn't grow.
My rhythm slowly withered,

your grip suffocated,
my affection a complex addiction.
My black and white,
stained in red,

indistinguishable and spreading-
consuming.
Interest fading
Into superficial persecution.

Taking the place of something
Infinite yet indefinite,
Beyond our understanding.
Worship tastes like servitude.

Lust becomes a synonomn
For mercy,
Love is simply a syllable,
And all we do is doubt.

Doubt if we're enough,
Together or separate,
Fulfillment a fairytale
Tarnished by simple maturity.

Tenderness is an inconvenience,
*** a chore ,
With a seizing heart
And grief tinted lips.

I can't keep exhaling,
And praying you'll be
My holy resource,
When your love was never pure.

Make me feel
Beyond my measure.
Pierce the brittle stone
I refuse to surrender.

Crumbling as the surge
Pushes against the levee.
Knees cracking, spine snapping
Bowing beneath the pressure.

A tiny *****
Just enough to feel
enough to breathe
And hear my own gasp rattle.

Strength and weakness
Gun powder and snow
Grief and mourning
The grip of twisted souls.

The feeling of hands
I should have never known.
The lack of love
under which I could have grown.

Treasured life flushed down a pipe
Lewd acts in the day instead of night.
Paying the bills one ****** at a time
But they're never mine.

Jealousy and rage
Dancing with my own darkness
A complicated waltz
As death patiently watches.

Bleed out the pain
Only for it to fill me once more.
Snort it away
Coming down is always so hard.

Cling to the veil
The concrete protection
Afraid to break it away
And succumb to divine destruction.

Cradling and pacifying,
A gift for enabling narcissism,
Wiping tears and standing strong
Even as the bellows break my spirit.

Never rising
Without repercussions,
Manipulations and invalidations,
Demands for constant zombification.

Fingers inching for cherished blades
Obedience taste bitter.
I should have learned to be docile,
To know when to wither.

Instead I was born with poison
Pumping through my veins,
Chaos in my brain,
And wear wrath as a crown.